After school play date and dinner dilema

[Anonymous]

You are putting unnecessary stress on yourself in this situation. It is not your job to search for something that this child likes to eat, or to change his eating habits. Just have his mom pack him a sack lunch to eat for dinner. That way he'll have something that he is willing to eat, and you don't have to think about it. If your kids ask why he has a pbj and they don't, the answer is that his mom packs his dinner for him, and he eats what she sends, you make their dinner and they eat what you make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the mom that dinner isn't really working - that you can watch him till dinner time and then she really needs to have a sitter. She is getting paid to do her job... why should you watch her kid, who seems to be a pain, for nothing. Playdates are different than consistent babysitting!!!!!!!

DC area. Always keeping score. And no I don't get free babysitting from anyone.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I bring a teammate of my 9yo DC to soccer, and he eats with us afterward. He is picky like OP's situation. One time for example, I purposely prepared plain baked chicken, white rice, salad, and steamed broccoli. This is a very plain meal for our family. He literally ate 3 huge bowls of white rice, and nothing else. We said nothing, although my children's eyes were popping out of their head.

My kids have lots of friends who get either nuggets, mac and cheese, noodles, burgers, or pizza every single night. They are not used to eating anything else.

[Anonymous]

One time for example, I purposely prepared plain baked chicken, white rice, salad, and steamed broccoli. This is a very plain meal for our family. He literally ate 3 huge bowls of white rice, and nothing else. We said nothing, although my children's eyes were popping out of their head

Seriously? no need to be so dramatic!

[Anonymous]

Just keep doing what you're doing. Except I think you could offer a fruit snack after school. But you don't need to. (I do this partly to give them better homework associations. They usually have their snack while they're doing homework.) In any case, if the guest is hungry enough, he'll eat something. (maybe he can have butter on his roll, so it's a little more filling? ) His mom can give him something later if she wants. (That said, I don't like to make dessert dependent on what they ate for dinner. I don't think sweets should be a reward in any form. I think it'd be better not to have dessert at all on the nights he's visiting, or maybe make it a fruit dessert, so it's healthier.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep doing what you're doing. Except I think you could offer a fruit snack after school. But you don't need to. (I do this partly to give them better homework associations. They usually have their snack while they're doing homework.) In any case, if the guest is hungry enough, he'll eat something. (maybe he can have butter on his roll, so it's a little more filling? ) His mom can give him something later if she wants. (That said, I don't like to make dessert dependent on what they ate for dinner. I don't think sweets should be a reward in any form. I think it'd be better not to have dessert at all on the nights he's visiting, or maybe make it a fruit dessert, so it's healthier.)

As a parent I would send food. My child would choose to starve over eating something he does not like. We have gone hours in power struggles and decided it was not healthy for anyone. If my child had a snack I would just say I fill feed him when he gets home but no food for that long is unreasonable. Food wars work with some kids and not others. Usually kids have a window around 5-6 and if you miss it, it is hard. We are slowly expanding our child's food choices but it is hard. He would not even eat a roll. But, to the rice and broccoli poster, he would love your house.

[Anonymous]

I'd keep offering normal food, but relax the rules a little--let him fill up on bread if he wants. Let him eat dessert even if he doesn't clean up his plate (although I'd make dessert a little healthier that night--sometimes our dessert is fresh seasonal fruit), maybe a one-bite-of-everything rule. Sometimes serve versions of meals he likes (maybe homemade mac-n-cheese, or chicken breasts that you bread yourself with panko crumbs, or a make-your-own pizza night with fresh veggies for toppings). Let your kids know what you are doing and why. I agree with a PP, your kids will likely understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guest should eat what is served and not demand other food. The mom should have been upset that her child was acting so rude.

OP - you serve whatever dinner you have planned. If the child doesn't eat it so be it. You also will have to teach some manners and explain when he is guest at someone's house, that he should taste what is served, not declare it tastes bad, and not ask for something special to be made. Lastly, no dessert while he is at your house. Serve it to your own kids after he leaves.

If he complains or his mom complains, let her know she is free to make other child care arrangements.

My parents were pretty easy-going about food, if we didn't like dinner we could have cereal instead. But I had friends with stricter parents, and I was always terrified to be invited over to dinner at their house. It was so stressful, knowing that one wrong move on my part would reflect poorly on me and my parents, and that the family would be judging whether I ate too much or too little, regardless of whether I liked the food or hated it.

I feel bad for OP's kid's friend. Poor kid.

All of this. Every word.

Do you really make his sit at the table and watch everyone else eat dessert?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why don't you suggest on the next night the kid comes over that they kids get to help you plan the menu and make the dinner - many kids will eat what they make, and having input into the meal will be fun for all.

OP here. I do this with my kids in the morning on the drive to school. They're pretty good about coming up with decent dinner ideas. Then in the course of the day, I shop for the ingredients and get most of the dinner prepped if not fully made. When the kids get home from school everyone does homework. The idea of taking 3 or 4 kids to the grocery store to go food shopping and then getting home to assist with homework and make dinner sounds daunting to me. I know there are people out there that can do this, but I'm not one of them.

Do you grocery shop one day at a time or say: Would you like me to make something with chicken breasts, pork chops or tilapia based on what you already have from a previous shopping trip?

I pretty much end up at the grocery store every day for one thing or another. We never seem to run out of things at the same time. Tomorrow I need to purchase, milk, eggs, cream, yogurt, and ketchup. I'll just add whatever the kids want for dinner to the cart.

Are you OP, because I'm now totally confused. You've gone from "we don't short order cook, the kids eat exactly what is served, because of house rules" to "every day my kids tell me what they want to eat, I go to the grocery store and purchase the ingredients, and then I prepare what they asked for". Those are 2 very different philosophies.

I'm the OP. I guess I am a short order cook then. In the morning, I ask the kids what they want for dinner. They tell me. It's usually a realistic request. They may not both agree on the dinner but both of my kids get to pick. Maybe one child picks for Monday and the other child picks for Tuesday. Then I shop and cook. Whatever was made for dinner is what's for dinner. My daughter is the one that loves meatloaf. If that's what she picks, I expect my son to eat it. My son loves lentils...my daughter not so much. But again, I expect that she will eat the dinner that is prepared for the family. And some mornings, when I know I won't have time during the day to go grocery shopping, I don't give the kids a choice. Then I just make dinner from whatever is on hand and expect that they will eat it.

In that case, I'd allow the visitor to have a say in what's chosen.

I'll also say that you seem to put an incredible amount of effort into making sure your kids eat dinner. You see veggies and hummus, dinner rolls, and visitors as threats to their eating, and despite depriving them of food for hours before the meal, and letting them choose what they want, you still need to use a combination of bribe and punishment (sitting and watching your sibling eat dessert) to get them to eat. When are your kids going to learn to decide for themselves how hungry they are, and to regulate their own eating?

Seriously. The food control in this household is entirely too regimented. Ease up!

[Anonymous]

As a parent of a picky eater, I would not expect another family to bend over backwards and make a special meal. In fact, it drives me crazy when people make such a big deal about my daughter eating something, begging her to try this, have a bite of that, oh let me fix this. It almost feels like everyone is held hostage to what she is willing to eat. So usually with both our own dinners and if people ask, we mention the fruits and vegetables she eats so perhaps the side dish makes it into the rotation. Even if she eats that particular fruit/vegetable, she may decide not to eat it that day and I have been very explicit that you don't complain or ask for something else, you politely say no thank you, try to find something you will eat that is being offered, and sit at the table until everyone is finished. In some cases, we have sent food with her but that's usually if for example we know it will be pizza I don't expect the person to cook when everyone else has takeout.

My suggestion is to see if there are 5 fruit/vegetable sides that can make it into the meal rotation that friend will eat. Also, maybe have dessert after his mom picks him up since it sounds like he will never finish his dinner unless you make nuggets and fries. I've actually read in a few places that offering dessert if dinner is finished is actually not a good thing when it comes to picky eaters. I've had my dd hide food so miraculously she is done and could have dessert and waited the kids out an hour while they say they plan to eat dinner so they could have dessert etc, had thm try to negotiate If almost all could qualify for a dessert. In hindsight, I wish I did not go down that path. So anyway, even though your kids have dealt well with dessert, I would find it difficult to have to enforce the same rules on a guest and would prefer to take dessert off the table so to speak while they were there so I don't have to be the enforcer.

[Anonymous]

I would cook what I cook normally for my family. No desserts. It will be easier as in our house we have sweets on special occasions only. DO you guys have to have deserts every night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you annoyed this kid is over 1x a week or is it okay with you?

Besides the dinner issue, is his behavior generally acceptable? Is he a good friend to your kid? How old is he? Did you agree to this standing play date set-up so the kid's mom could work late? Does she ever do you any favors in return?

I am just wondering if there are other issues going on or not, such as the kid is annoying, you feel resentful having him over 1x a week, etc...

If there are no other underlying issues and it is just his pickiness at dinner, I'd just be sure to make something he liked. What about taco bar or spaghetti and serve salad with both.

The kid is a nice kid. He's polite and respectful. I agreed to the play date once. Which then became Johnny had such a nice time that he'd like to do it again. And then over the last few months, it's become an unofficial standing play date. Of course, if my kids have something going on like an after school drs appt, I just tell his mom that we can't do the play date that day.

I could try a taco bar--I don't know if he eats ground meat. He's turned down hamburgers, sloppy joes, meatloaf, and speghetti with red meat sauce. When I ask what he doesn't like about the meal, he just says he doesn't like it. I don't push for a deeper answer.

So this just kind of evolved. In that case I would tell the mom that having him there for dinner really doesn't work, since you don't seem willing to relax at all about it. Either once/week you cook food he will eat, or let him eat the parts he likes or something. Otherwise, don't have him there for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here---For those of you that offer alternatives, how to you handle a it? For example--my son will eat meatloaf. It's not his favorite dinner, but he will eat it. However, if a PB&J sandwich was also offered, he would select that. So how do you handle offering one child a different option that you don't want the other children to also have? And I don't want to get into a habit of alternatives being available for dinner.

Seriously, Mom?
Tell your child that you are HIS mom and he goes by YOUR rules. Other kid is a guest, if he lived with you, YOUR food rules would fully apply.

[Anonymous]

I am tripping off the fact that you do not give a snack when your kids come home. Maybe your kids do not eat much, but my kid is starving afterschool.

[Anonymous]

Ask the child. I know several kids who will eat pasta plain it without sauce. Perhaps you can do something like offer pasta, no sauce. Perhaps he is a kid who will eat meatballs no sauce,minor touching anything else n it is ok to ask and try to come up with alternatives or ask mom. It sounds all or nothing in your home, which is fine but you will have a starving child.