Found out that close family member is a child (sex) abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your place to disclose? I hope you aren't serious. That man is a sex offender and he needs to be handed over to the proper authorities. It doesn't matter how much your families world will shatter what if there are other kids? What if there are other kids in the future? Now that you know you absolutely have the duty to stop that guy. People staying silent is the main reason for children getting abused every day. Wake up! You know now. You now have a responsibility.

I didn't post that, but I agree that it is not the OP's place to disclose someone else's abuse. That person is an adult now and is entitled to disclose or not disclose. Many times, when an adult comes forward with abuse that occurred in childhood, there is nothing legally to be done about it because the statute of limitations has passed. The only repercussions are social, and many, many victims are not believed, particularly if the perp is well regarded by his/her family and community. People also often wonder why the victim is disclosing now, after all these years. Maybe it came up in therapy and the cousin was working on it. Maybe the cousin has a child of a similar age and is now concerned for someone else's wellbeing as well. There are lots of reasons.

Either way, I believe that if the victim does not want the abuse disclosed/charges pressed/etc., that is their choice. The OP can choose to distance herself and her family from the relationship with the accused perp or not, but it is not her place at all to confront the aunt and uncle what the cousin said.

So you think the situation at Penn State was a-okay?! Because when victims don't come forward, it's okay for the abuser to just keep abusing? Because when people like Paterno know and turn a blind eye, it's okay because it's "not their place" to disclose someone else's abuse!?

I have NO idea how you got from my post that I think that sexual abuse is okay. Of course I don't think it's okay. I do think that because the OP's cousin disclosed the abuse in confidence, it would be a huge violation of trust for the OP to turn around and confront the abuser and tell his wife. I think that the cousin should do that, but I appreciate the many reasons why victims of sexual abuse (children and adults) are reluctant to come forward. I would personally be unwilling to break the confidence of a victim of sexual assault, no matter how many years it's been. That person has been victimized enough and it is up to them to decide how to act now.

But in lieu of the victim coming forward, the abuser can continue abusing for years. That is what I'm saying. OP has a duty to say something or other kids could be abused. It's horrific.

[Anonymous]

The uncle will know why the trip is canceled. Only the aunt will not know. Encourage the cousin to get therapy so when she is ready she can tell her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We experienced something similar in our family only the abuser (a grandfather) had died by the time my close relative was able to disclose the abuse (she was a young adult at the time). We have never identified another person abused by this individual but of course can't rule it out. I would be very worried that your uncle could continue to abuse; you sound as though you are dismissing that as a possibility but really you cannot know the shape of his life and who he might have access to now or in the future. Abusers carry many secrets.

If I were you I would consult a therapist with expertise in childhood sexual abuse and discuss what to do. While normally I think it's your cousin's decision whether to disclose this further, because your uncle is still free in the community I am not sure whether the need to protect other children might supersede your cousin's needs. You need more counsel right now than DCUM can provide.

I would also try to talk further with your cousin about the risk that your uncle might continue to abuse or be currently abusing, and your concerns about protecting children beyond your own child. It's great that you believed him/her immediately and have stressed that to him/her. You have a responsibility and an opportunity right now.

I would not push your cousin to disclose to his/her mother. There may be many reasons why your cousin is not comfortable doing this and disclosure may not go well. For all you know, your aunt already has an inkling about the abuse and has denied or minimized it. This is the most common scenario though not the only one.

Spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry people, this is why I don't do playdates. This was going on under the OP's nose and this is someone they KNEW--how well do you know the husband of your friend's kid, or whoever the hell is over at their house during a playdate or sleepover.

Sad state of affairs.

The cousin was molested "under the nose" of her mother. How well do you really know your husband? Statistically he may be more likely than play date parent to abuse DC.

I know him a hell of a lot better than random parents of kids at school. I also have my eyes wide open. Statistics are fine and all, but I know who the hell I married and you should not put shit past anyone. Sad but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your place to disclose? I hope you aren't serious. That man is a sex offender and he needs to be handed over to the proper authorities. It doesn't matter how much your families world will shatter what if there are other kids? What if there are other kids in the future? Now that you know you absolutely have the duty to stop that guy. People staying silent is the main reason for children getting abused every day. Wake up! You know now. You now have a responsibility.

I didn't post that, but I agree that it is not the OP's place to disclose someone else's abuse. That person is an adult now and is entitled to disclose or not disclose. Many times, when an adult comes forward with abuse that occurred in childhood, there is nothing legally to be done about it because the statute of limitations has passed. The only repercussions are social, and many, many victims are not believed, particularly if the perp is well regarded by his/her family and community. People also often wonder why the victim is disclosing now, after all these years. Maybe it came up in therapy and the cousin was working on it. Maybe the cousin has a child of a similar age and is now concerned for someone else's wellbeing as well. There are lots of reasons.

Either way, I believe that if the victim does not want the abuse disclosed/charges pressed/etc., that is their choice. The OP can choose to distance herself and her family from the relationship with the accused perp or not, but it is not her place at all to confront the aunt and uncle what the cousin said.

So you think the situation at Penn State was a-okay?! Because when victims don't come forward, it's okay for the abuser to just keep abusing? Because when people like Paterno know and turn a blind eye, it's okay because it's "not their place" to disclose someone else's abuse!?

I have NO idea how you got from my post that I think that sexual abuse is okay. Of course I don't think it's okay. I do think that because the OP's cousin disclosed the abuse in confidence, it would be a huge violation of trust for the OP to turn around and confront the abuser and tell his wife. I think that the cousin should do that, but I appreciate the many reasons why victims of sexual abuse (children and adults) are reluctant to come forward. I would personally be unwilling to break the confidence of a victim of sexual assault, no matter how many years it's been. That person has been victimized enough and it is up to them to decide how to act now.

But in lieu of the victim coming forward, the abuser can continue abusing for years. That is what I'm saying. OP has a duty to say something or other kids could be abused. It's horrific.

I absolutely agree. While the victim may not be ready to face the abuser directly, if there's any chance or likelihood (or even worse, everyone involved KNOWS) that the uncle has access to other children, something HAS to be done. Even if it's an anonymous report to CPS (but with specific info, so that they have something to investigate). Something has to be done to either directly protect other children, or at least to get the prior abuse on record, even if a CPS report doesn't get substantiated.

No action at all would be unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

By the way, I don't believe for a second that the aunt/mom of cousin didn't know if the abuse occurred to the victim between 2-10 yrs old. No WAY the mother/aunt didn't know or suspect. Not making excuses for her but she most likely either was in denial or has her own trauma issues and normalized it. But the idea that she may not have known at all is HIGHLY unusual. Sometimes victims need to believe the other parent didn't have any idea, because it's the only way for them to keep their sanity. After all, how awful to realize that one parent abused you and the other parent knew and didn't stop it.... But it's highly rare for abuse to be in the home for that long, and the other parent has no idea.

So sorry for the victim in this case, and sorry for all other victims that may be out there. Hope someone does something to interrupt the uncles opportunities to abuse at least, and maybe to get CPS and/or law enforcement to hold him accountable at best. Awful situation.

[Anonymous]

PP, you are still talking about forcing a survivor of sexual assault to disclose abuse she may not be ready to disclose. Even done in the service of protecting children, that's a shitty thing to do.