Found out that close family member is a child (sex) abuser.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell your aunt what your cousin told you.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry people, this is why I don't do playdates. This was going on under the OP's nose and this is someone they KNEW--how well do you know the husband of your friend's kid, or whoever the hell is over at their house during a playdate or sleepover.

Sad state of affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But no relationships will be affected until it is much, much too late unless the cousin is open about her experience. Of course it's an awful thing for the victim to have to relive over and over, but people are not mind readers and will never know otherwise-unless it happens to them too. OP has left her child with them many times already. Hopefully the uncle really has been gone during those times, but there's a big risk there and cousin left them very, very vulnerable.

Yes, because the world is so tolerant to those who are abused. They never get harassed, or threatened, or called liars, or have their lives completely upended by coming forward. "The cousin left them vulnerable???" Shame on you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just dealing with some information we found out last night.

We had planned to take a trip away and leave our child in the care of DH's Aunt and Uncle who are very close to us. They are as involved as grandparents and live in our same city. We get a call last night from my cousin (who is the child of aunt and uncle). Saying that she wanted us to know before we left our child, that she was sexually abused by her father (Dh's uncle). The abuse took place from 2-10 years of age approximately. Aunt (mother of cousin) doesn't know. We believe cousin 100% because she has always been trustworthy and honest.

I'm just reeling. I'm so sad for cousin. and for DH who trusted these people. I know people always say that child abusers look like everyone else, but I still cant believe it. The uncle is the most charismatic guy in the world. Super successful personally and professionally - everyone likes him. And I'm just sick. It's an avalanche of feelings.

Obviously I cant/wont leave DC with aunt & uncle. Think we will bring him with us on our trip, which is disappointing because DH and I really needed this for a number of reasons. And it also changes the future of our relationship (can never leave DC with them etc). Aunt loves our kid and will be heartbroken because she was looking forward to this time with him, but she will have no idea why we really pulled out of the arrangement. And it's not our place to disclose.

Anyone been through something similar? or have any advice? Any good therapists in NOVA for this?

Just wondering how this went....?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, this is really hard and sad. But thank God your cousin had the strength to tell you, and thank God you believed her!!!

[Anonymous]

I think lots of families have similar skeletons in their closets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry people, this is why I don't do playdates. This was going on under the OP's nose and this is someone they KNEW--how well do you know the husband of your friend's kid, or whoever the hell is over at their house during a playdate or sleepover.

Sad state of affairs.

The cousin was molested "under the nose" of her mother. How well do you really know your husband? Statistically he may be more likely than play date parent to abuse DC.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you see this back at the top of the forums -- Please update (if you can stand to). I didn't see this the first time around. So sorry for this situation..

I especially hope that the cousin is getting some very serious therapy to help her deal with the past abuse. Abused for eight solid years and then having to continue living with her abuser until she left home -- I can't imagine how much that affected her. She was extremely brave to warn you and to do it with specifics rather than just trying to say, "You really don't want to do this but I wont' go into why...."

It's stunning when someone who seems great turns out to be an abuser. Happened to family friends, where the husband/father was abusing young female relatives in their own home when he visited. He ended up in prison for a long time, lost his wife and kids, kids had to undergo a lot of questioning and counseling to try to find out if he had abused them too. But at least someone was brave enough in the end to let the cops handle it and remove this man from everyone's lives, even though the legal process was painful.

OP, are there other young great-nieces and great-nephews in the family who might be left with this couple and the parents don't know what you do? They need protecting too.

[Anonymous]

It's unethical of you to know this and do nothing about it, OP.

How do you think the Jerry Sandusky stuff happened? People knew and did nothing.

You are not protecting ANYONE by doing nothing. You are only creating an opportunity for more victims.

[Anonymous]

OP It is a lot to think about and a bomb shell. One thing that abusers are great at is blaming others, so be careful. If you talk about it directly with the abuser and his supporters you will get a HUGE blow back. This situation is best discussed with a therapist, because the family may have suspected, but the covered it up. They did not believe their eyes then and they won't now. Just think about the Penn State situation -- I knew some of those people -- you would NEVER think it.

[Anonymous]

Not your place to disclose? I hope you aren't serious. That man is a sex offender and he needs to be handed over to the proper authorities. It doesn't matter how much your families world will shatter what if there are other kids? What if there are other kids in the future? Now that you know you absolutely have the duty to stop that guy. People staying silent is the main reason for children getting abused every day. Wake up! You know now. You now have a responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your place to disclose? I hope you aren't serious. That man is a sex offender and he needs to be handed over to the proper authorities. It doesn't matter how much your families world will shatter what if there are other kids? What if there are other kids in the future? Now that you know you absolutely have the duty to stop that guy. People staying silent is the main reason for children getting abused every day. Wake up! You know now. You now have a responsibility.

+1

I can't imagine not reporting this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your place to disclose? I hope you aren't serious. That man is a sex offender and he needs to be handed over to the proper authorities. It doesn't matter how much your families world will shatter what if there are other kids? What if there are other kids in the future? Now that you know you absolutely have the duty to stop that guy. People staying silent is the main reason for children getting abused every day. Wake up! You know now. You now have a responsibility.

I didn't post that, but I agree that it is not the OP's place to disclose someone else's abuse. That person is an adult now and is entitled to disclose or not disclose. Many times, when an adult comes forward with abuse that occurred in childhood, there is nothing legally to be done about it because the statute of limitations has passed. The only repercussions are social, and many, many victims are not believed, particularly if the perp is well regarded by his/her family and community. People also often wonder why the victim is disclosing now, after all these years. Maybe it came up in therapy and the cousin was working on it. Maybe the cousin has a child of a similar age and is now concerned for someone else's wellbeing as well. There are lots of reasons.

Either way, I believe that if the victim does not want the abuse disclosed/charges pressed/etc., that is their choice. The OP can choose to distance herself and her family from the relationship with the accused perp or not, but it is not her place at all to confront the aunt and uncle what the cousin said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your place to disclose? I hope you aren't serious. That man is a sex offender and he needs to be handed over to the proper authorities. It doesn't matter how much your families world will shatter what if there are other kids? What if there are other kids in the future? Now that you know you absolutely have the duty to stop that guy. People staying silent is the main reason for children getting abused every day. Wake up! You know now. You now have a responsibility.

I didn't post that, but I agree that it is not the OP's place to disclose someone else's abuse. That person is an adult now and is entitled to disclose or not disclose. Many times, when an adult comes forward with abuse that occurred in childhood, there is nothing legally to be done about it because the statute of limitations has passed. The only repercussions are social, and many, many victims are not believed, particularly if the perp is well regarded by his/her family and community. People also often wonder why the victim is disclosing now, after all these years. Maybe it came up in therapy and the cousin was working on it. Maybe the cousin has a child of a similar age and is now concerned for someone else's wellbeing as well. There are lots of reasons.

Either way, I believe that if the victim does not want the abuse disclosed/charges pressed/etc., that is their choice. The OP can choose to distance herself and her family from the relationship with the accused perp or not, but it is not her place at all to confront the aunt and uncle what the cousin said.

So you think the situation at Penn State was a-okay?! Because when victims don't come forward, it's okay for the abuser to just keep abusing? Because when people like Paterno know and turn a blind eye, it's okay because it's "not their place" to disclose someone else's abuse!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your place to disclose? I hope you aren't serious. That man is a sex offender and he needs to be handed over to the proper authorities. It doesn't matter how much your families world will shatter what if there are other kids? What if there are other kids in the future? Now that you know you absolutely have the duty to stop that guy. People staying silent is the main reason for children getting abused every day. Wake up! You know now. You now have a responsibility.

I didn't post that, but I agree that it is not the OP's place to disclose someone else's abuse. That person is an adult now and is entitled to disclose or not disclose. Many times, when an adult comes forward with abuse that occurred in childhood, there is nothing legally to be done about it because the statute of limitations has passed. The only repercussions are social, and many, many victims are not believed, particularly if the perp is well regarded by his/her family and community. People also often wonder why the victim is disclosing now, after all these years. Maybe it came up in therapy and the cousin was working on it. Maybe the cousin has a child of a similar age and is now concerned for someone else's wellbeing as well. There are lots of reasons.

Either way, I believe that if the victim does not want the abuse disclosed/charges pressed/etc., that is their choice. The OP can choose to distance herself and her family from the relationship with the accused perp or not, but it is not her place at all to confront the aunt and uncle what the cousin said.

So you think the situation at Penn State was a-okay?! Because when victims don't come forward, it's okay for the abuser to just keep abusing? Because when people like Paterno know and turn a blind eye, it's okay because it's "not their place" to disclose someone else's abuse!?

I have NO idea how you got from my post that I think that sexual abuse is okay. Of course I don't think it's okay. I do think that because the OP's cousin disclosed the abuse in confidence, it would be a huge violation of trust for the OP to turn around and confront the abuser and tell his wife. I think that the cousin should do that, but I appreciate the many reasons why victims of sexual abuse (children and adults) are reluctant to come forward. I would personally be unwilling to break the confidence of a victim of sexual assault, no matter how many years it's been. That person has been victimized enough and it is up to them to decide how to act now.