Found out that close family member is a child (sex) abuser.

[Anonymous]

Your cousin in law is so brave and saved your child from a horrific experience. Take the time you need to mourn the relationship you thought you had with these people but then be grateful you found out now. My brother's best friend is a child molestor, took a plea deal on her sister but my brother believes his friend's side of the story. I feel really awful and have spoken to him about it now that he has a daughter but I'm not sure what else I can do.I plan to tell my SIL everything I know when I see her next month. It will probably damage my relationship with my brother, but I can't sit on knowing this guy has access to my neice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My child has been watched extensively by the aunt. He is almost 1. Almost all the times the uncle was at work. I don't think anything happened and there have never been any outward signs of abuse.

The uncle is not around any other children (my child is the only one in the family). Doesn't mean he can't find one but there are none left in his care.

I have thanked the cousin profusely. I'm just so sick that this person is in our midst.

Good. I posted earlier. What about the other side of the family? Neighbors? Never have him at your house. Out of sympathy for the aunt don't have the beast over even at large gatherings. They can quickly molest in a flash even while walking around. Trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My child has been watched extensively by the aunt. He is almost 1. Almost all the times the uncle was at work. I don't think anything happened and there have never been any outward signs of abuse.

The uncle is not around any other children (my child is the only one in the family). Doesn't mean he can't find one but there are none left in his care.

I have thanked the cousin profusely. I'm just so sick that this person is in our midst.

Good. I posted earlier. What about the other side of the family? Neighbors? Never have him at your house. Out of sympathy for the aunt don't have the beast over even at large gatherings. They can quickly molest in a flash even while walking around. Trash.

No children on the other side of the family.
Our aunt will have no idea why we've cut off contact, but there isn't anything I can do about it. She has been so good to us and our child. Having the whole story a secret in some ways makes it harder to deal with, but I would never betray my cousins confidence.

[Anonymous]

Op, the abuser is step-dad to your cousin?

[Anonymous]

You will certainly encounter questioning from your aunt about limiting contact. How will you respond? I would ask your cousin for suggestions. This is a heap of responsibility to put on you if she is not willing to come forward and say anything (you say aunt doesn't know)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will certainly encounter questioning from your aunt about limiting contact. How will you respond? I would ask your cousin for suggestions. This is a heap of responsibility to put on you if she is not willing to come forward and say anything (you say aunt doesn't know)

Aunt needs to ditch this piece of shit. I hate these people and their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, the abuser is step-dad to your cousin?

No, bio dad. My dh also spent a lot of time with them growing up. He and his wife have been married almost 40 years and have picture perfect marriage (from the outside). Their children never remember them fighting.

I know anyone can be child abusers, but it still stuns me.

[Anonymous]

Not saying it's your place to blow up a larger family relationship, but if you're confident in the conclusion, this guy is a monster. Like as bad as a human being get. And if he operates in a community and gets the chance to sneak something with some other kid just as innocent as yours he will take it. I guess what I'm saying is, I would not opt for simply avoiding or minimizing contact as others have suggested. He would be forcefully confronted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not saying it's your place to blow up a larger family relationship, but if you're confident in the conclusion, this guy is a monster. Like as bad as a human being get. And if he operates in a community and gets the chance to sneak something with some other kid just as innocent as yours he will take it. I guess what I'm saying is, I would not opt for simply avoiding or minimizing contact as others have suggested. He would be forcefully confronted.

Playing devils advocate . . . To what end would this confrontation be expected to lead? What would be the goal? If it's to extract a confession - unlikely. If it's to get him arrested - depends on whether the cousin is willing to pursue it and whether the statute of limitations has passed.

I'm not sure what the best thing is to do here, but i don't see any simple, clearly right way to handle this with respect to the uncle. Other than the obvious, don't leave any kids alone with him.

[Anonymous]

What is cousin's relationship with her parents? Does she just plan on telling anyone with children privately and assume her mother will never find out? There's no way for it to remain hush hush without Aunt questioning why you suddenly shun them. It's a shame Cousin let you and your child build a relationship with them before saying something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not saying it's your place to blow up a larger family relationship, but if you're confident in the conclusion, this guy is a monster. Like as bad as a human being get. And if he operates in a community and gets the chance to sneak something with some other kid just as innocent as yours he will take it. I guess what I'm saying is, I would not opt for simply avoiding or minimizing contact as others have suggested. He would be forcefully confronted.

Playing devils advocate . . . To what end would this confrontation be expected to lead? What would be the goal? If it's to extract a confession - unlikely. If it's to get him arrested - depends on whether the cousin is willing to pursue it and whether the statute of limitations has passed.

I'm not sure what the best thing is to do here, but i don't see any simple, clearly right way to handle this with respect to the uncle. Other than the obvious, don't leave any kids alone with him.

Well at a minimum he would know he's been exposed, and his wife and entire extended family would know about it. Even if the wife doesn't believe it (or doesn't acknowledge believing it), it will be a permanent question mark that will hopefully have her guard up in the future. And if she's honest with herself I seriously doubt this will be a surprise. But just as important as the practical mitigation of risk that it happens again or that he has access to family members is that this guy doesn't deserve to feel like he got away with it. He doesn't get to have everyone ignore it or look the other way and go to his grave reputation and community standing intact. He deserves to have all of that blow up and live out his days with that shame.

[Anonymous]

Don't cancel your trip to protect them from wondering why you pulled out on the babysitting plan. Just say you decided to bring him with you. Maybe he will wonder and what's wrong with that?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry that this happened. It's really really awful. Can you talk more with the cousin to encourage him/her to disclose the abuse to the aunt?

[Anonymous]

We experienced something similar in our family only the abuser (a grandfather) had died by the time my close relative was able to disclose the abuse (she was a young adult at the time). We have never identified another person abused by this individual but of course can't rule it out. I would be very worried that your uncle could continue to abuse; you sound as though you are dismissing that as a possibility but really you cannot know the shape of his life and who he might have access to now or in the future. Abusers carry many secrets.

If I were you I would consult a therapist with expertise in childhood sexual abuse and discuss what to do. While normally I think it's your cousin's decision whether to disclose this further, because your uncle is still free in the community I am not sure whether the need to protect other children might supersede your cousin's needs. You need more counsel right now than DCUM can provide.

I would also try to talk further with your cousin about the risk that your uncle might continue to abuse or be currently abusing, and your concerns about protecting children beyond your own child. It's great that you believed him/her immediately and have stressed that to him/her. You have a responsibility and an opportunity right now.

I would not push your cousin to disclose to his/her mother. There may be many reasons why your cousin is not comfortable doing this and disclosure may not go well. For all you know, your aunt already has an inkling about the abuse and has denied or minimized it. This is the most common scenario though not the only one.

[Anonymous]

pp here, whoops, just saw you identified the cousin as female and it's DH's cousin, not yours. Sorry about that.