Found out that close family member is a child (sex) abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is cousin's relationship with her parents? Does she just plan on telling anyone with children privately and assume her mother will never find out? There's no way for it to remain hush hush without Aunt questioning why you suddenly shun them. It's a shame Cousin let you and your child build a relationship with them before saying something.

I am wondering about this, too. Is cousin in your life? In theirs? You said the aunt watched your child extensively--does your cousin know this? If so, was it the idea of the overnight that prompted the conversation?

I just don't think there is any way you will be able to cut off contact with the aunt without some conversation.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP. What does your DH think of all this? I am close with my cousins and would be devastated by something like this.

[Anonymous]

PP here again. Also wanted to add that my grandfather was a fabulous grandfather to me and he and his wife had a picture-perfect marriage. This is quite common when it comes to abuse. I idolized him, was very close to him, and had no inkling he was brutally abusing another little girl in the family.

I know it's shocking and I am sorry you and especially your DH are going through this, but it's great that you are providing support to your cousin and that she shared this with you to keep your child safe.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for your support of your DH's cousin. This must have taken extraordinary courage for her.

For those who are focusing on what a shame it is that she hasn't come forward earlier....yeah. You're part of the problem. Implicitly blaming victims for the fact that their abuser may have other victims is placing responsibility on the victim. This poor woman was abused by her dad. The horror and torture she has suffered are enough, and frankly it is amazing that she has been able to come forward now, not knowing if she would be believed or supported. She is a hero.

It is really, really hard to lead a double life, when your family presents a happy family face to the world but you are in hell. And the sad thing is that children often feel responsible to protect the image of their family because they so desperately wish it to be true. My family was a chaotic mess but the last thing I wanted to do as a child was make it worse by outing my abuser. I clung to the tiny bit of normalcy and security I had; I was terrified of losing everything if I rocked the boat. It is not my fault if my abuser abused someone else because of that. It is only his fault, only his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for your support of your DH's cousin. This must have taken extraordinary courage for her.

For those who are focusing on what a shame it is that she hasn't come forward earlier....yeah. You're part of the problem. Implicitly blaming victims for the fact that their abuser may have other victims is placing responsibility on the victim. This poor woman was abused by her dad. The horror and torture she has suffered are enough, and frankly it is amazing that she has been able to come forward now, not knowing if she would be believed or supported. She is a hero.

It is really, really hard to lead a double life, when your family presents a happy family face to the world but you are in hell. And the sad thing is that children often feel responsible to protect the image of their family because they so desperately wish it to be true. My family was a chaotic mess but the last thing I wanted to do as a child was make it worse by outing my abuser. I clung to the tiny bit of normalcy and security I had; I was terrified of losing everything if I rocked the boat. It is not my fault if my abuser abused someone else because of that. It is only his fault, only his responsibility.

Thank you for posting that and I completely agree. The previous poster saying what a burden the cousin has placed on OP since she told but doesn't want to tell her mom - what a horrible, irresponsible thing to say PP. This brave person has come forward and protected another child. The awkwardness that creates for the aunt & OP is not the cousin's fault. It's ridiculous that you would focus on that of all things. A victim is not obliged to tell her horror stories over and over again; she is not the one who did anything wrong and she is not the one who owes the world anything in return. It is the abuser who owes the world his time in jail. He is the one who did something wrong and all the relationships his behavior destroys is his fault and his alone.

[Anonymous]

But no relationships will be affected until it is much, much too late unless the cousin is open about her experience. Of course it's an awful thing for the victim to have to relive over and over, but people are not mind readers and will never know otherwise-unless it happens to them too. OP has left her child with them many times already. Hopefully the uncle really has been gone during those times, but there's a big risk there and cousin left them very, very vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But no relationships will be affected until it is much, much too late unless the cousin is open about her experience. Of course it's an awful thing for the victim to have to relive over and over, but people are not mind readers and will never know otherwise-unless it happens to them too. OP has left her child with them many times already. Hopefully the uncle really has been gone during those times, but there's a big risk there and cousin left them very, very vulnerable.

Ideally, the cousin would have spoken up sooner. Yes, true. If the cousin had been able to push past the trauma of what she was/is suffering sooner, that is. Many victims of sexual abuse can't - not even after years and decades following the abuse. But, to be clear, it's not the cousin who's left anyone very, very vulnerable. I'm sure you don't mean to blame the person who was brutalized as a child for not speaking up sooner. Perhaps you don't mean to be insensitive, cruel, and clueless, PP, but your words are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is cousin's relationship with her parents? Does she just plan on telling anyone with children privately and assume her mother will never find out? There's no way for it to remain hush hush without Aunt questioning why you suddenly shun them. It's a shame Cousin let you and your child build a relationship with them before saying something.

I am wondering about this, too. Is cousin in your life? In theirs? You said the aunt watched your child extensively--does your cousin know this? If so, was it the idea of the overnight that prompted the conversation?

I just don't think there is any way you will be able to cut off contact with the aunt without some conversation.

Yes, we are very close with the cousin. She knows that the baby had spent he night over there before (just one night at a time). It was the extended trip that prompted the sharing of this information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP. What does your DH think of all this? I am close with my cousins and would be devastated by something like this.

DH is devastated. These people helped raise him

[Anonymous]

Can someone explain why it's so hard for the victim to share this information? I know this question sounds cold but I'm really trying to understand the struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone explain why it's so hard for the victim to share this information? I know this question sounds cold but I'm really trying to understand the struggle.

They might fear that they would not be believed. They might fear that their loved ones would choose the side of their abuser over them, or even turn against them (I've seen it happen, especially where the abuser is charismatic, popular, etc. ). They might have had a hard time admitting to themselves that their parent, who was supposed to love them more than anyone else, abused them. They might feel ashamed of what happened to them, even though it wasn't their fault. They might fear that others would see them as shameful or dirty. Having not told anyone as a child, they might have a hard time breaking the habit of silence. They might not want to hurt the rest of the family by sharing this information. They might feel some kind of loyalty to their abuser (who was, after all, their parent).

This is just off the top of my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone explain why it's so hard for the victim to share this information? I know this question sounds cold but I'm really trying to understand the struggle.

Victims often feel blamed and shamed. They don't always recognize themselves as the victim, especially when they're young and have grown up in an abusive household, and don't know any better.

[Anonymous]

So. Devils advocate. No outside chance the guy is innocent? I wouldn't kear my kid there but also would not blindly condemn him to hell on one persons say so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can someone explain why it's so hard for the victim to share this information? I know this question sounds cold but I'm really trying to understand the struggle.

Victims often feel blamed and shamed. They don't always recognize themselves as the victim, especially when they're young and have grown up in an abusive household, and don't know any better.

There's also usually quite a lot of emotional manipulation/brainwashing that occurs alongside the molestation. It's not just the abuser who's emotionally attacking the victim, but also the people around the victim. Typically, the abuser targets the victim for the very reason that s/he knows the victim's "support system" is a system that will end up enabling his/her abuse of the victim. In the end? What's obvious to you isn't at all obvious to the victim and, in many cases, may never be obvious to the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So. Devils advocate. No outside chance the guy is innocent? I wouldn't kear my kid there but also would not blindly condemn him to hell on one persons say so.

Op here.
I have no idea. I've been reading the internet and seems like this is kind of thing is not falsely reported often- it's not just something ppl make it up according the studies I've read. I have no reason to believe that the cousin is lying. I've also never seen any signs that the uncle is an abuser but that's the nature of the beast right? Charming charismatic etc.

The catch 22 is that the uncle does not know this info has been shared and the victim does not want to share it. It's not our place to share it. So he can't confront the charges, we can't ask him and we just have to believe? There's no way to test it out safely obviously.

And even if he was confronted. He would likely deny it and then it would still be his word vs her word and we would be no closer to figuring out the situation than we are now.