WWYD? DH cries over female colleague leaving for another job

[Anonymous]

Huh. Yeah, something is going on. Either an affair (emotional or otherwise) or your husband just has an extremely impoverished emotional life to the point that a normal friendship/colleague relationship meant too much to him. I have had some really close work relationships and I can't think of one that I would cry over. What this DOES remind me of is the time I freaked out over my opposite sex roommate moving out. In that case I definitely had an unresolved case of romantic love masked as platonic friendship, so unstated that I couldn't even see it clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, i think it's pretty weird. I can't imagine crying all alone at home over the departure of a work BFF. I can imagine tearing up at the office farewell party for a few minutes, maybe-- but sitting home alone weeping? That is VERY weird.

I think there is something else going on. Maybe he did have an affair with her, or was a bit in love with her: I don't think that is necessarily inconsistent with telling you that he was crying b/c of her departure. Some spouses who cheat or who fantasize about cheating need/want to hint at it to their spouse, b/c they just can't stop thinking about it, or want to create jealousy or get absolution.

But I also don't assume that the tears must mean an affair or crush: they could be a sign of general depression, or a more specific work crisis that is causing him grief or shame but that he doesn't want to talk about. (For instance, maybe he got a nasty public dressing down from his boss and feels like a failure, but it's easier for him to say, "I'm sad my friend is leaving" than "I was justly reprimanded and I feel like a loser.")

I think you do need to discuss this with him, at some point when things are calm. Something like, "It really worried me to see you so distressed. I know Robin's been a good work friend, but it seemed strange to me that you were crying about it. It really spooked me, and made me wonder if something else is going on that is bothering you, either something to do with Robin, or something to do with our relationship, or something to do with other things going on for you work or in some other part of your life. This has been weighing on my mind. Can we talk about this?"

Wow. Are you a therapist, cause that was really good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, i think it's pretty weird. I can't imagine crying all alone at home over the departure of a work BFF. I can imagine tearing up at the office farewell party for a few minutes, maybe-- but sitting home alone weeping? That is VERY weird.

I think there is something else going on. Maybe he did have an affair with her, or was a bit in love with her: I don't think that is necessarily inconsistent with telling you that he was crying b/c of her departure. Some spouses who cheat or who fantasize about cheating need/want to hint at it to their spouse, b/c they just can't stop thinking about it, or want to create jealousy or get absolution.

But I also don't assume that the tears must mean an affair or crush: they could be a sign of general depression, or a more specific work crisis that is causing him grief or shame but that he doesn't want to talk about. (For instance, maybe he got a nasty public dressing down from his boss and feels like a failure, but it's easier for him to say, "I'm sad my friend is leaving" than "I was justly reprimanded and I feel like a loser.")

I think you do need to discuss this with him, at some point when things are calm. Something like, "It really worried me to see you so distressed. I know Robin's been a good work friend, but it seemed strange to me that you were crying about it. It really spooked me, and made me wonder if something else is going on that is bothering you, either something to do with Robin, or something to do with our relationship, or something to do with other things going on for you work or in some other part of your life. This has been weighing on my mind. Can we talk about this?"

Wow. Are you a therapist, cause that was really good.

Excellent advice. Too bad OP already screwed things up so badly.

[Anonymous]

why is everybody dumping on OP? The sense I got from her first post and some of the subsequent ones is that the reason it bothered her to see her DH crying over a co-worker's departure was a stinging feeling that he was more emotionally caught up in the co-worker than in his family (e.g., the comments about missing the kids' games). So perhaps OP has had to be the emotional anchor for the kids and basically for the family and doesn't really feel very much appreciation from her DH for her efforts. That was the vibe I got from the post and if so, then I can understand the snappiness. I think the PP who had the therapist-like speech for how to approach the issue was on the money.

The most difficult part of marriage, at least to me, is trying to actually have those reasonable conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why is everybody dumping on OP? The sense I got from her first post and some of the subsequent ones is that the reason it bothered her to see her DH crying over a co-worker's departure was a stinging feeling that he was more emotionally caught up in the co-worker than in his family (e.g., the comments about missing the kids' games). So perhaps OP has had to be the emotional anchor for the kids and basically for the family and doesn't really feel very much appreciation from her DH for her efforts. That was the vibe I got from the post and if so, then I can understand the snappiness. I think the PP who had the therapist-like speech for how to approach the issue was on the money.

The most difficult part of marriage, at least to me, is trying to actually have those reasonable conversations.

These are really good points, PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why is everybody dumping on OP? The sense I got from her first post and some of the subsequent ones is that the reason it bothered her to see her DH crying over a co-worker's departure was a stinging feeling that he was more emotionally caught up in the co-worker than in his family (e.g., the comments about missing the kids' games). So perhaps OP has had to be the emotional anchor for the kids and basically for the family and doesn't really feel very much appreciation from her DH for her efforts. That was the vibe I got from the post and if so, then I can understand the snappiness. I think the PP who had the therapist-like speech for how to approach the issue was on the money.

The most difficult part of marriage, at least to me, is trying to actually have those reasonable conversations.

These are really good points, PP

Just to add, I hadn't put together OP's reaction with her DH not going to games, etc...perhaps OP didn't either because she didn't connect the two in her posts either, but it really makes a lot of sense and in that context her reaction is completely understandable.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure OP. My ex cheated so I am always suspicious. That said, I would cry if my boss left. He's a gay man. But I am very attached to him. So maybe y our DH's feelings are not romantic/sexual.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like an emotional affair. Hell no it's NOT okay for your DH to cry over a woman leaving the job. I would have honestly have cursed him out. I was sad when my 'work' hubby left my job also, but no way would I shed tears in front of my real husband over it. That's just plain disrespectful. Keep your eye on him. There are soooo many men that cheat on their wives and the wives don't have the slightest clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why is everybody dumping on OP? The sense I got from her first post and some of the subsequent ones is that the reason it bothered her to see her DH crying over a co-worker's departure was a stinging feeling that he was more emotionally caught up in the co-worker than in his family (e.g., the comments about missing the kids' games). So perhaps OP has had to be the emotional anchor for the kids and basically for the family and doesn't really feel very much appreciation from her DH for her efforts. That was the vibe I got from the post and if so, then I can understand the snappiness. I think the PP who had the therapist-like speech for how to approach the issue was on the money.

The most difficult part of marriage, at least to me, is trying to actually have those reasonable conversations.

Well, if she wants him emotionally engaged in the family, perhaps she should actually act that way with him. I'm floored by her response to him, shutting him down and shaming him so thoroughly. If you want emotional engagement, you need to actually allow for emotion to be expressed, whether it's emotion about you and your family or not. She can't have it both ways. I found her response to him sickening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why is everybody dumping on OP? The sense I got from her first post and some of the subsequent ones is that the reason it bothered her to see her DH crying over a co-worker's departure was a stinging feeling that he was more emotionally caught up in the co-worker than in his family (e.g., the comments about missing the kids' games). So perhaps OP has had to be the emotional anchor for the kids and basically for the family and doesn't really feel very much appreciation from her DH for her efforts. That was the vibe I got from the post and if so, then I can understand the snappiness. I think the PP who had the therapist-like speech for how to approach the issue was on the money.

The most difficult part of marriage, at least to me, is trying to actually have those reasonable conversations.

Well, if she wants him emotionally engaged in the family, perhaps she should actually act that way with him. I'm floored by her response to him, shutting him down and shaming him so thoroughly. If you want emotional engagement, you need to actually allow for emotion to be expressed, whether it's emotion about you and your family or not. She can't have it both ways. I found her response to him sickening.

Him crying like that over another woman is inappropriate. He should have done that in his car before he came home.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a crier but I would definitely feel depressed over a situation like this. Like close friends, great work colleagues are so incredibly hard to come by!
I have one right now helping me at work, and she has hinted that she wants to leave next year for a less demanding position. Hopefully I'll persuade not to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should offer him a sanitary napkin to cry in

I really, really hope you aren't raising sons!

OP, you said it yourself, he's introverted and doesn't have a lot of friends. He's getting older, things are changing. Have some sympathy. BTW, I'm a NP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why is everybody dumping on OP? The sense I got from her first post and some of the subsequent ones is that the reason it bothered her to see her DH crying over a co-worker's departure was a stinging feeling that he was more emotionally caught up in the co-worker than in his family (e.g., the comments about missing the kids' games). So perhaps OP has had to be the emotional anchor for the kids and basically for the family and doesn't really feel very much appreciation from her DH for her efforts. That was the vibe I got from the post and if so, then I can understand the snappiness. I think the PP who had the therapist-like speech for how to approach the issue was on the money.

The most difficult part of marriage, at least to me, is trying to actually have those reasonable conversations.

Well, if she wants him emotionally engaged in the family, perhaps she should actually act that way with him. I'm floored by her response to him, shutting him down and shaming him so thoroughly. If you want emotional engagement, you need to actually allow for emotion to be expressed, whether it's emotion about you and your family or not. She can't have it both ways. I found her response to him sickening.

Him crying like that over another woman is inappropriate. He should have done that in his car before he came home.

That's your opinion. The only reason it would be "inappropriate" (dumb, useless word that means nothing because it can mean anything) is if there was an affair. Otherwise, it's a guy who's upset for possibly many of the reasons set out in this thread. So taking the just as plausible "he's just upset" road, he expressed upset over a loss, told his wife, and she essentially berated him for having feelings, mocking him and telling him to sit there and sulk and drown in his own misery. Yeah. Good plan.

[Anonymous]

Well, think about this.

OP said her DH is an introvert and does not often express emotion. Yet, he does it and his DW dismisses him. So...normally he does not bother OP with his emotions. But when he does, she is not recpetive to it. Yet, she talks about all that she does...etc. He was emotional and OP is more worried about the person that he said he was emotional about. She could not be bothered to console him but now wonders what was/is up. This is an example of the number 1 reason that a lot of men are emotional robots. DW's OP shows emotion and what does it get him? Ridcule and suspicion. Rest assured, OP will not have to be bothered anymore with his emotional vulnerability because that turtle is spooked and is going back in its shell.

I saw my DH cry after his farewell party. He worked closely with 2 people (one M and one F) in a politically charged, hostile working environment. He was emotional becuase he felt disloyal and gulity for leaving them. Also, both of them were openly emotional about his leaving with the F crying on MY shoulder. OTOH, I was open to my DH's and he felt comfortable telling me of the emotional struggles he was having at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, think about this.

OP said her DH is an introvert and does not often express emotion. Yet, he does it and his DW dismisses him. So...normally he does not bother OP with his emotions. But when he does, she is not recpetive to it. Yet, she talks about all that she does...etc. He was emotional and OP is more worried about the person that he said he was emotional about. She could not be bothered to console him but now wonders what was/is up. This is an example of the number 1 reason that a lot of men are emotional robots. DW's OP shows emotion and what does it get him? Ridcule and suspicion. Rest assured, OP will not have to be bothered anymore with his emotional vulnerability because that turtle is spooked and is going back in its shell.

I saw my DH cry after his farewell party. He worked closely with 2 people (one M and one F) in a politically charged, hostile working environment. He was emotional becuase he felt disloyal and gulity for leaving them. Also, both of them were openly emotional about his leaving with the F crying on MY shoulder. OTOH, I was open to my DH's and he felt comfortable telling me of the emotional struggles he was having at work.

Couldn't agree more.