Is it possible that there could be even more beach house drama???

[Anonymous]

OP, you are creating more intense drama than there needs to be.

[Anonymous]

I am OP and I don't know what you mean about creating drama. I haven't created any drama with my family, who don't even know I now fully understand what they did or even that I'm upset. I haven't talked to them in part because I don't want to create some big drama and say something I regret. I haven't even created drama with my husband!

I have done a bunch of whinging in this thread, but hey, it's DCUM.

Maybe you are saying that I shouldn't be upset or am making too much of this. I sort of feel like that, too -- I would like to feel more zen about it. I don't know exactly how to get there and that's what people here are helping me with. I guess you are a better person than me if this would roll right off your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree with the idea of going in my own vacation but I am definitely not going to pick a place near them and go at the same time so we can meet up a few times.

I don't WANT to vacation with them anymore, if they feel this way. I may not even want to TALK to them anymore. I'm certainly not signing up for following them around on their vacation for crumbs of familial companionship.

I thought they were my family and my friends. I didn't know they were ... mean. I think I need to give it some more time, keep my distance, as others have suggested, and then tell them they hurt my feelings without a big fuss.

My mom is the one who gave me the additional details that revealed what is really going on, and she thinks it's mean, too, and has told them that herself, but they don't seem to care.

Sorry, OP, but I think your mom should not have told you this. It's too much like middle school. That said, I totally understand why you feel hurt.

[Anonymous]

Don't let it roll off your back. You already sensed something and your mom has confirmed it, so that's not drama, that's reality.

Also, not telling your husband seems like a good idea for now. Like some of the PPs already said, you should try and handle it yourself. Telling your husband might cause him to not want to ever spend time with them anymore--if and when you have resolved things (no vacations).

Letting more time pass will help you to be more calm about the direction you want to take with your siblings. Some of the worst relationships to maintain can be the ones with adult siblings who intentionally pull dick moves like that.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am sorry that you are so upset about this and that your family hasn't handled it well. I speak as someone whose immediate family (myself, dh and 2 kids) could never share a house with anyone else let alone my extended family. Since you mentioned that your MIL (your DH's mother) sent you a list of grievances after a vacation, is it at all possible that you and your family are difficult to travel with? I ask because my family and I are not "go with the flow" people and we tend to take our own vacations. Is it possible that maybe next year you could get your own small beach house and you could meet them during the day and then retire to your own accommodations? Maybe that would diffuse some of the tension?


OP here. The comment you're referring to was written by someone else; MIL is lovely and doesn't have a problem with us (that I know of -- this discovery kind of makes me question everything!).

It is possible that we are difficult to travel with, sure -- I'm sure the food restrictions are a bummer, though H always brings a bunch of food that works for him and we are always offering to go off and eat by ourselves. Even so, though, we've had our moments that probably annoyed everyone -- asking one sister to switch rooms with us when our youngest was a baby so we could fit her pack and play in the room, though it meant she lost the ocean view. I bet that really annoyed her though I didn't know it at the time (and if I realized she felt this resentment I wouldn't have asked, though I'm not sure what I would have done). But part of what hurts is that my sisters are certainly no pieces of cake, either. One is adamant about traveling with their golden retriever, which always cuts the places we can rent down by more than 75% at least. The other has three kids who are manipulative, spoiled, prone to tantrums, and mean-ish, who I have secretly worried are a bad influence over my kids. But I've sucked it all up and walked the dog and babysat the kids and never breathed a word of complaint because -- family. Yet out of this bunch, I am the pariah?

Okay. Whatever. Never again.

Sounds like you don't like them, either, OP. None of you sound like nice people.

So, why are you mad about not being invited on a vacation with people you don't like or respect and have to "suck it up" around?

[Anonymous]

I don't WANT to vacation with them anymore, if they feel this way. I may not even want to TALK to them anymore. I'm certainly not signing up for following them around on their vacation for crumbs of familial companionship.

Ok, I totally get not wanting to vacation with them if they don't want to vacation with you, but not wanting to talk to them anymore is a bit over the top. First of all, your mom should not have told you what she did, it has only stirred up problems. Second of all, I know it feels bad, and I would be hurt too, but it sounds like you had issues with vacationing with them as well and it just wasn't working for any of you.

[Anonymous]

Have honest conversations with people about things, and don't shut family out of your life permanently.

The only real wealth in this world is family and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to travel with people who resent you? Why do you want to spend your annual leave hanging around with people who find your spouse annoying?

+10000

OP, I get it. You don't need an explanation when someone outright insults you. They don't need to spell it out for you. Vacation time is too precious. Planning our own vacation, with our nuclear family, is the best thing we ever did. It gets better every year. Really, once you do it, there is no comparison to spending time with a bunch of sad sacks who don't appreciate you. You can call them on it, just to have the satisfaction. But really, make your own plans.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you, really I do. It really hurts when you are excluded and lied to by people who are family and who you thought loved you the same way you love them. And even worse, don't respect your husband.
You will need to address this issue sooner rather than later. Otherwise it will just fester and you will have a huge blowup and then they will say you have overreacted.
Don't wait until the next big holiday.

(Hugs)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you, really I do. It really hurts when you are excluded and lied to by people who are family and who you thought loved you the same way you love them. And even worse, don't respect your husband.
You will need to address this issue sooner rather than later. Otherwise it will just fester and you will have a huge blowup and then they will say you have overreacted.
Don't wait until the next big holiday.

(Hugs)

And don't leave out your mother. She instigated this whole mess. Maybe she thought she was going to spare your feelings should you find out later, but it sure sounds like she told knowing full well it was going to be hurtful.

I would just tell the sisters that you heard from your mother about the vacation and that while you realize your family are not their favorite type of housemates, you still would have liked to have been invited or informed in such a way that you could have made nearby plans. Especially since there were kids involved you can say that you value times to get them together.

Then just leave the ball in their court. They may have excuses so just counter with what's done and done and you just wanted to be open that you were hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. That's really hurtful. Honestly, to be totally frank, I would not invite a vegan to go on a trip with me -- too much trouble to accommodate when you want to relax and eat a lot of cheese. BUT I would certainly do so if it were someone in my immediately family and not leave them out. Is this something you want to address with them? Maybe just say to your siblings that you are very hurt that you are being excluded and ask if they have some issue with your family? I wouldn't necessarily take this information indirectly if it were regarding someone as close as my sister and certainly wouldn't want to cut off all future travel options because of second-hand information. Maybe there's another explanation -- like maybe they've been under the impression that your husband doesn't enjoy these trips since he stays inside. I still think they should have extended an invitation, but if it were me, I'd want to have a conversation about it.

How strange!! The vegan can usually take care of himself. You don't need to concern yourself with what a vegan is or isn't eating. I just returned from a 4-day trip with friends including 2 vegans, and I ate plenty of animal products without incident. I did indeed relax while eating cheese. I'm a vegetarian. It hasn't affected how many BBQ invites I receive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My family came back from this trip yesterday and I have gotten angrier about this since I first posted this. I stopped myself from calling them during their trip and telling them how hurtful I thought it was. I really wanted to but realized I would just be creating drama and trying to hurt them on their vacation to make them feel bad about their actions.

Still, I am so angry and am considering cutting off contact with them over this. I am angry, but I want to be zen. I'm not sure whether I can talk to them about this at all without getting all my feelings out and devolving into a big blowout where I say something I regret. Maybe things are exacerbated now because the trip just happened, and my feelings will become more manageable with time and then I can talk to them.

Stop. You need to grow a backbone and talk with them. A person can't cut off contact with her family without even finding out the reasons behind their actions (hearing second hand isn't good enough; your mom might be making her own assumptions about why they didn't invite you).