Is it possible that there could be even more beach house drama???

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP, DH and I went vegan a few years back and the first family summer vacation was ridiculous. We almost left early as my family is not one to talk behind the backs, they openly ridiculed and belittled us. We didn't veto any dining options, figuring we could always find some sort of pasta dish, and didn't have children at the time. Things are fine now, although my parents still think organic means the food is different in a bad way...

OP I'm sure we could find a fun group to rent a house with, unfortunately you can't pick your family and it will be their loss.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My family came back from this trip yesterday and I have gotten angrier about this since I first posted this. I stopped myself from calling them during their trip and telling them how hurtful I thought it was. I really wanted to but realized I would just be creating drama and trying to hurt them on their vacation to make them feel bad about their actions.

Still, I am so angry and am considering cutting off contact with them over this. I am angry, but I want to be zen. I'm not sure whether I can talk to them about this at all without getting all my feelings out and devolving into a big blowout where I say something I regret. Maybe things are exacerbated now because the trip just happened, and my feelings will become more manageable with time and then I can talk to them.

[Anonymous]

OP, your feelings are valid. Feeling excluded by family feels powerfully sad. But that's where your anger is really coming from: the sadness. Blowing up at them will likely be ineffective and muddy this drama further. Work it out with safe people: your H, therapist, trusted friends. Give the issues time to settle. When you feel like you understand things better, address it with them, or don't, but understand that people who pull this kind of sh*t are pretty tone-deaf in general. They may get it eventually (and feel justifiably bad) but for now, focus on self-care. It's often the only way out of enmeshed family drama.

[Anonymous]

I can see how you would be hurt, but realistically, I have one sister who I enjoy vacationing with, and one who I don't really enjoy vacationing with. It absolutely isn't that my other sister is a bad person, or does anything wrong - we just have sort of different ideas about what a vacation means (sleeping in vs getting up, eating out vs cooking) and it is difficult if almost every activity has to be a negotiated compromise. I love both my sisters, but I don't get much vacation time. I resolve it by not vacationing with either sister, to be fair, which doesn't sound like it is your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your feelings are valid. Feeling excluded by family feels powerfully sad. But that's where your anger is really coming from: the sadness. Blowing up at them will likely be ineffective and muddy this drama further. Work it out with safe people: your H, therapist, trusted friends. Give the issues time to settle. When you feel like you understand things better, address it with them, or don't, but understand that people who pull this kind of sh*t are pretty tone-deaf in general. They may get it eventually (and feel justifiably bad) but for now, focus on self-care. It's often the only way out of enmeshed family drama.

+1000 Thanks for the update OP. Now that the actual sibling vacation has passed, you can start to feel more "zen" about it now.

Hopefully, you can still participate in some family activities. You are learning what a lot of family members already practice--don't vacation with each other.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the helpful responses. It does five me some perspective and help me feel more balanced about things.

I didn't tell my husband about this because he already gets some signals that my sisters and their families are a little in accepting of him, and if I tell him about this I don't really know how he would react but maybe he would be hurt and mad too. And also I lose control of what to do in response, because he would get a big vote there.

But is it unfair NOT to tell him? It would be nice to talk this over with him, but I worried it would sort of turn him against my family forever, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell your husband about this because it will affect his opinion of your family. Plus, it's family business.

Were your parents involved? If so, I would call your mom and quickly tell her that you are very hurt that you were purposely excluded from the vacation. Sound calm but serious and maybe even a little sad or angry. Then cut the call off quickly. Ignore everyone's calls for at least a week. If anyone texts you, fire off a quick missive. The trick is to sound hurt and angry, but focus on how they screwed up. Don't lash out, otherwise they will label you the drama queen stirring up trouble. Sometimes family super sucks.

[Anonymous]

OP, allow yourself to distance yourself from your sisters. Doesn't necessarily need to be forever, but if you don't want to smile at them over turkey at Thanksgiving, don't feel like you have to do that. It sounds like it would be healthy to take a step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell your husband about this because it will affect his opinion of your family. Plus, it's family business.

Her husband IS family!

[Anonymous]

In this case, family business means HER family. This is an issue she needs to straighten out with her siblings. I have three sisters. Trust me, it's best to call out her siblings directly and handle it swiftly.

Ps - I totally would have joint texted my sisters during their trip --- probably atound the time they were enjoying their first day on the beach --- to let them know how they hurt my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two siblings rented a beach house without inviting us because they don't like my husband. (According to a family member I trust who has no reason to lie.)

I thought we were just left out this year as a sort of oversight, and the house they wanted happened to be too small, but as it turns out the house was too small on purpose. Hey maybe they don't like me or my two kids either!

I guess I wasn't exactly LONGING to go or anything because of all the free babysitting I get roped into, but I am reeling from this a little and my feelings are hurt. I had no idea they felt this way and I've been communicating with them and joking around and sending them gifts for birthdays and occasions as though everything is fine. I feel so stupid and hurt, and a little angry. What is this, middle school?

Resolved: To never go on vacation with them again, even if they beg us. Which isn't likely to happen because apparently I missed the memo that they don't really like some or all of us.

OP, this is my IL's, who did this to me and DH (and kids!) once, and never returned to do it again. They are not the most fun bunch, and as it turns out, they hate themselves, not me I would want you to say something, but if not, karma does a fine job. They sound like a petty bunch that you don't want to spend your precious vacation time on, anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP, next year - go anyway and stay at your own place. Depending on what type of accommodations are available, you may or may not be able to stay real close by.

They are allowed to vacation with who they want. You should be the bigger person - acknowledge that you want to be included. Arrange so that you might be included for some of it. Know that you need to have a nice vacation whether you spend much time with them or not.

This vacation should include your husband if we wants to go, but more importantly - this is about you wanting to be there.

[Anonymous]

^ this. This will empower you.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, well . . .. What's for lunch?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree with the idea of going in my own vacation but I am definitely not going to pick a place near them and go at the same time so we can meet up a few times.

I don't WANT to vacation with them anymore, if they feel this way. I may not even want to TALK to them anymore. I'm certainly not signing up for following them around on their vacation for crumbs of familial companionship.

I thought they were my family and my friends. I didn't know they were ... mean. I think I need to give it some more time, keep my distance, as others have suggested, and then tell them they hurt my feelings without a big fuss.

My mom is the one who gave me the additional details that revealed what is really going on, and she thinks it's mean, too, and has told them that herself, but they don't seem to care.