Is it possible that there could be even more beach house drama???

[Anonymous]

Op I'm generally on your side here, but I don't think a vegan should have veto power over an entire family's restaurant choice. He can either not go, or eat first and go but just have a drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am sorry that you are so upset about this and that your family hasn't handled it well. I speak as someone whose immediate family (myself, dh and 2 kids) could never share a house with anyone else let alone my extended family. Since you mentioned that your MIL (your DH's mother) sent you a list of grievances after a vacation, is it at all possible that you and your family are difficult to travel with? I ask because my family and I are not "go with the flow" people and we tend to take our own vacations. Is it possible that maybe next year you could get your own small beach house and you could meet them during the day and then retire to your own accommodations? Maybe that would diffuse some of the tension?

OP here. The comment you're referring to was written by someone else; MIL is lovely and doesn't have a problem with us (that I know of -- this discovery kind of makes me question everything!).

It is possible that we are difficult to travel with, sure -- I'm sure the food restrictions are a bummer, though H always brings a bunch of food that works for him and we are always offering to go off and eat by ourselves. Even so, though, we've had our moments that probably annoyed everyone -- asking one sister to switch rooms with us when our youngest was a baby so we could fit her pack and play in the room, though it meant she lost the ocean view. I bet that really annoyed her though I didn't know it at the time (and if I realized she felt this resentment I wouldn't have asked, though I'm not sure what I would have done). But part of what hurts is that my sisters are certainly no pieces of cake, either. One is adamant about traveling with their golden retriever, which always cuts the places we can rent down by more than 75% at least. The other has three kids who are manipulative, spoiled, prone to tantrums, and mean-ish, who I have secretly worried are a bad influence over my kids. But I've sucked it all up and walked the dog and babysat the kids and never breathed a word of complaint because -- family. Yet out of this bunch, I am the pariah?

Okay. Whatever. Never again.

So sorry, Op, I take back my comment. Based on your response, it definitely sounds like your family members are the difficult ones, not you! Still resentful about losing an ocean view so your baby could sleep? Wow! Go plan your own trip and do what you and your dh like to do. Life is too short!

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to travel with people who resent you? Why do you want to spend your annual leave hanging around with people who find your spouse annoying?

[Anonymous]

Instead of listening to a third party gossip you should confront one of the siblings.

The explanation could be as simple as your husband didn't seem to enjoy the beach last year, so we were going to invite you on a different vacation this year rather than "we don't like your husband."

[Anonymous]

Coming from a family that never did shared vacations and having my own family that does not do them with my siblings, I do not see the attraction of this vacation at all. Look at this as an opportunity, not a problem.
If they want to go to the beach, let them. You can plan the vacation you really want to have and go enjoy yourself. Then mention that to them casually. "I'm sure you guys enjoyed your beach vacation, we had a great time hiking in the mountains.." There's no rule that says everyone in a family must like the same thing and go the same places once they are grownups.

[Anonymous]

I would never go on vacation w my sibling. Or my parents. Or ILs. Book your own vacation w your nuclear family and have a great time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. If you can't accommodate a vegan who brings his own food, your eating habits are going to kill you early.

True dat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. If you can't accommodate a vegan who brings his own food, your eating habits are going to kill you early.

True dat!

I don't think OP was saying that being a vegan was the problem. Rather it was her husbands vetoing of restaurants. Our family has two vegans and they would never veto a restaurant. As someone else said, they would order drinks and eat before or after.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they pick up on your feelings towards them. You don't sound particularly nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. If you can't accommodate a vegan who brings his own food, your eating habits are going to kill you early.

True dat!

I don't think OP was saying that being a vegan was the problem. Rather it was her husbands vetoing of restaurants. Our family has two vegans and they would never veto a restaurant. As someone else said, they would order drinks and eat before or after.

The funny thing is that OP vetoes the restaurants, not her husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming from a family that never did shared vacations and having my own family that does not do them with my siblings, I do not see the attraction of this vacation at all. Look at this as an opportunity, not a problem.
If they want to go to the beach, let them. You can plan the vacation you really want to have and go enjoy yourself. Then mention that to them casually. "I'm sure you guys enjoyed your beach vacation, we had a great time hiking in the mountains.." There's no rule that says everyone in a family must like the same thing and go the same places once they are grownups.

I LOVE YOU. Will you adopt our family?? Please?? I'm dead serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they pick up on your feelings towards them. You don't sound particularly nice.

signed, nasty MIL who just wants bragging rights

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have vetoed a few restaurants on H'a behalf because it's my immediate family, not his, and it's the kind of thoughtful interference he runs for me with his family. I didn't know it annoyed them. I still don't, frankly -- I'm still don't really know just what it was about us that got on their nerves.

But, I sort of don't care. The people who are saying, hey, compromise -- go for a day trip together! rent houses next to each other! -- no. The people who are saying I need to talk it out with them to see if I have it all wrong and they're inviting us on a separate vacation later (ha ha ha! As if!) -- no.

It's kind of like when a boyfriend I had twenty years ago cheated on me and I found out, all these weird occurrences suddenly fit into place and I finally really, really understood stuff that had previously be a bit curious and weird. I don't need confirmation. I don't need their side of the story. I don't need to salvage our vacations together. I am out and we will do our own thing from here on in. It is a little shocking to me how MUCH this changes how I feel about them. But it really does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of listening to a third party gossip you should confront one of the siblings.

The explanation could be as simple as your husband didn't seem to enjoy the beach last year, so we were going to invite you on a different vacation this year rather than "we don't like your husband."

This is good advice. You should confront them about the small house, and you can even say "I'm hurt that you didn't invite us. Is there someone in my family you don't like or get along with?" Without revealing what the other relative told you. Yes, this is confrontational, but passive-aggressive people (which it seems like given the small house) need to be confronted about their poor behavior.

FYI, you probably won't get an answer you're satisfied with, but at least they will know you can stand up for yourself. And then go off on the vacation you, DH, and kids have always wanted to go on but never did bc you've spent all that money visiting relatives who may or may not like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are better off not hanging out with them, if they'd have a problem with someone who appreciates sunblock. I know it hurts, and it doesn't mean you can't be good siblings who love each other - you just don't hang out on vacations together. It'll be fine. You're different than your jerky siblings, and that's good.

This!
OP, it's time for you to take a lesson from your gay & lesbian friends. Many queer folks have been shunned by their families. So they create what is known as their "chosen family." It's friends whom they love, trust and rely upon. They celebrate birthdays and holidays together, just like any other family would. You need to create your own chosen family. Build your friendships. Go to the beach with another family. Celebrate with them. Just because your sisters share some DNA with you, it doesn't mean you have to spend "family" time with them. Spend your vacations and holidays with real family friends.

As someone who just returned from a big family reunion/vacation with my sister and her wife (actually the wedding served as a winter vacation for the extended family too), I wish that I would never have to read about people being shunned for being in love

Not that building a chosen family isn't good on its own or "second best", its perfectly wonderful to surround yourself with great friends that become like family. I have both that and a close family that is blood so i get it. I just hate the idea that its still a necessity or alternative for many people.

And my family is blue collar, not very educated/ aware of the world in a bigger sense, probably more conservative than most DCUMers have! But love is love.