My D wants to go away with BF and family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 17? She's going to be having sex with him if she wants to, no matter if you let her go on this trip or not. So refusing to let her go really depends on other factors, such as:

1) You don't want other people to know your daughter has sex;
2) They aren't actually having sex, and you have a basis to believe that he is going to pressure her into it;
3) You are so morally opposed to teenage sex that you must actively prevent it - in which case you should be also taking more drastic measures like making them break up;
4) Some other reason no related to sex, like you think teens should be better supervised than you think they'll be?

I recommend none of the above. Your daughter is 17 and in a year will be going to college. The best thing you can do is start treating her like an adult now.

Why not treat your kid like an adult sooner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she goes, she's having sex. No question in my mind. I'm not judging, as lots of young women have sex at that age- I think it is the average age for losing virginity? But don't fool yourself OP- if you let her go, chances are they are going to do it on the trip if they are not already. If you are not OK with that, don't let her go.

Not afraid to judge. Parents should not be promoting teen sex. I have no shame. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's really not the end of the world if she is having sex as long as she's responsible. I had sex at 17 with my boyfriend and it was fine. Actually, it was wonderful in many ways. I was in a good relationship with a respectful boyfriend. I had many positive experiences and really, it was probably a much better start to my sex life than it would have been in a college atmosphere. If they have been dating a year, your daughter is not a virgin unless you are extremely religious.

Teens wouldn't wait for a family vacation to have sex the first time. You may want to get her on some kind of hormonal birth control, though. Teens + condoms are often a recipe for disaster.

Oh, well, then, that's the final word. Your experience means so much.

Well, I had almost exactly the same experience as the PP: Sex for the first time at 17 (well, a few months shy of 17) with a nice, respectful boy I was madly in love with. It was a wonderful thing all told. Of course my authoritarian parents freaked out over it and tried to break us up ... only to regret it when I ended up with a MUCH WORSE bad boy! They sure missed my Ivy League-bound nice first boyfriend when I started dating a college drop-out felon! Obviously I have to take some responsibility for my own actions, but I can assure you that the utter freak out, guilt trip, hysterical reaction of my parents to my first boyfriend had absolutely no positive effect on my behavior, and instead made me more cut off, alienated, and without good adult guidance than I already was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello again, the thing is I am going to be going away on business to the west coast for 7 of the days. My H is going on a golf trip with his brother and my other D is in camp, so we could not go and get her and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them to drive 4-5 hours to bring her home early.

It's either she goes or stays (in which case now she would be alone). My H planned his trip once he knew she was going. I have spoken to her ad nauseum but she rolls her eyes as she is tired of hearing the same thing over and over.

Bottom line, lets put everything else aside, would you let your 17 year old go to a beach trip with her BF and his family?
Just curious if I am being overly reactive or most would be like me.

MY DH would NEVER have allowed it. I wouldn't allow it either at 17. 10 days is a long time. HOWEVER, my daughter would probably be on BC and have the sex talk IN DEPTH with a discussion on STDs and pregnancy long before she started dating.

When I was in my mid 20s, I went away with my BF (later my DH) and his parents for 2 days and my grandmother had a hissy fit and was telling my mother that I was a slut for doing so. I found out when I called to tell her I was extending my trip for another day. I did it anyway and I'm glad I didn't let some old fart ruin my relationship. (The irony was that my grandmother was married and having sex by the time she was 20, yet had a fit because I was going away in my mid 20s to be with my first BF!)

We got married less than a year later. My mother raised me right and I made the right decisions for me. You have to trust that you raised her right.

You don't see the difference?
She was married, you weren't.
I can see why she would think you were a slut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let her go. My kids can take vacations with their boy / girl friends when they're on their own and pay their own bills. But I'm old fashioned like that...

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's really not the end of the world if she is having sex as long as she's responsible. I had sex at 17 with my boyfriend and it was fine. Actually, it was wonderful in many ways. I was in a good relationship with a respectful boyfriend. I had many positive experiences and really, it was probably a much better start to my sex life than it would have been in a college atmosphere. If they have been dating a year, your daughter is not a virgin unless you are extremely religious.

Teens wouldn't wait for a family vacation to have sex the first time. You may want to get her on some kind of hormonal birth control, though. Teens + condoms are often a recipe for disaster.

Oh, well, then, that's the final word. Your experience means so much.

Well, I had almost exactly the same experience as the PP: Sex for the first time at 17 (well, a few months shy of 17) with a nice, respectful boy I was madly in love with. It was a wonderful thing all told. Of course my authoritarian parents freaked out over it and tried to break us up ... only to regret it when I ended up with a MUCH WORSE bad boy! They sure missed my Ivy League-bound nice first boyfriend when I started dating a college drop-out felon! Obviously I have to take some responsibility for my own actions, but I can assure you that the utter freak out, guilt trip, hysterical reaction of my parents to my first boyfriend had absolutely no positive effect on my behavior, and instead made me more cut off, alienated, and without good adult guidance than I already was.

My in laws freaked out about my DHs high school girlfriend. It has seriously ruined their relationship- we barely have one with them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's really not the end of the world if she is having sex as long as she's responsible. I had sex at 17 with my boyfriend and it was fine. Actually, it was wonderful in many ways. I was in a good relationship with a respectful boyfriend. I had many positive experiences and really, it was probably a much better start to my sex life than it would have been in a college atmosphere. If they have been dating a year, your daughter is not a virgin unless you are extremely religious.

Teens wouldn't wait for a family vacation to have sex the first time. You may want to get her on some kind of hormonal birth control, though. Teens + condoms are often a recipe for disaster.

Oh, well, then, that's the final word. Your experience means so much.

It does, actually, because it's very common.
http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-ATSRH.html
"On average, young people have sex for the first time at about age 17"

[Anonymous]

I personally think because your H said yes you cannot go back. Time though to sit down for a heart to heart not asking if they are sexually active but that just "in case" they are or will be, you want to be sure they are doing it in a smart way. i

If this were my D I would also not hesitate to call the BF's parents and speak honestly about the concerns you have. If anything it will make them a bit more aware and more vigilant and likely spark a conversation between them and their own son.

I am not going to judge, maybe they spend every waking moment together and it doesn't' seem odd that they are going on vacation for 10 days. We took my college daughters BF w/us to Park City in Feb. for 8 days and had a blast.

If you trust your daughter, then you need to make that the number one thing to keep in mind. If your lines of communication are open and she knows she can go to you then that's what is most important.

Let her know who to call too if she needed somehow to go home (illness or whatever) of course I dont' need to tell you that but just a mom to mom piece of advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think because your H said yes you cannot go back. Time though to sit down for a heart to heart not asking if they are sexually active but that just "in case" they are or will be, you want to be sure they are doing it in a smart way. i

If this were my D I would also not hesitate to call the BF's parents and speak honestly about the concerns you have. If anything it will make them a bit more aware and more vigilant and likely spark a conversation between them and their own son.

I am not going to judge, maybe they spend every waking moment together and it doesn't' seem odd that they are going on vacation for 10 days. We took my college daughters BF w/us to Park City in Feb. for 8 days and had a blast.

If you trust your daughter, then you need to make that the number one thing to keep in mind. If your lines of communication are open and she knows she can go to you then that's what is most important.

Let her know who to call too if she needed somehow to go home (illness or whatever) of course I dont' need to tell you that but just a mom to mom piece of advice.

Husband needs to agree to reconsider,
TOGETHER with Mom.
Critical life lesson for daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What state? It could be statutory rape. You could tell the mom you are not comfortable with them having sex and say it is statutory rape. Maybe that'll make her police the bedrooms more.

Age of consent is 16 in MD and 15 in Va. In Va., there can be no more than a 4- yr difference between partners if one party is 16 or under IIRC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK need to clarify a few things- she just turned 17 last week and he is turning 19. So they are really 2 years apart.Assuming they are not having sex, and I don't think they are, this will give them ample opportunity, and yes they are alone here and there but when he comes to our house or her to his someones always around. In this case the parents are big golfers and will be gone most of the day (so the mother told me) and to various functions at night and she specifically said they are welcome to join them but she doesn't' think they will want to.

My H is adamant about not reneging on this, he is being very stubborn. Really doesn't think its a big deal. I know its me being paranoid but sub consciously when I mentioned his size and "manliness:" I guess I was just thinking if things got heated one night when no one is home and she didn't' want to take things to the next level and he did,that would really scare me. He in fairness seems like a great level headed kid but a hormone driven teen in the prime of his youth, all bets are off.

So have no idea how to handle this.

This is ridiculous! "All bets are off" implys that young, hormone driven teen boys and young adults can't be expected to take no for an answer in sexual situations because they just can't help themselves. This kind of thinking is so dangerous- young men can and should be expected to remain level headed and confirm consent in sexual situations, regardless of how turned on they are.

Also, pregnancy isn't a given just because sex is happening (if it is), talk birth control! 2 methods (the pill + condoms, for example) is the best approach for young people!

[Anonymous]

I would not let my 17 year old son or daughter go. Who takes a vacation with their boyfriend in HS? Crazy!

[Anonymous]

is this BF in question in HS or college? I know a few families who have taken their kids BF or GF on vacation which to me seemed odd, but whatever. Guess its done more often these days.

I, OP would also be at odds with it, but if you really go up against your daughter sounds like you will have her AND your H to deal with.

The less stressful way is to talk seriously with your D and the other parents about what will go on. Just be real- many 17 year olds are having sex, especially in a relationship for that long. Just open your eyes to it because its quite likely.

They just need to be smart. If you are really against it to that degree that you cannot consider this is ALREADY happening then you need to put your foot down and not budge knowing your D wiill not talk to you for a while and your H might be peeved too especially if it means him not going on the golf trip!

My bottom line is let her know if you are open to the fact that they are sleeping together (highly likely). Just an FYI as someone who has 3 girls youngest being 21.

[Anonymous]

If you are really that unsure, then stop it now. Tell her husband in no uncertain terms after thinking carefully you are not OK with it. PERIOD. Do not make excuses or apologize, you have every right to feel the way you do.

I think there are many parents today who might think its cute or OK but i am not one of them. My own D who is 16 has dated a boy since she was 14 and I won't let her go with them for one day to look at colleges to DC (overnight) and his parents are super uptight too. So yes you do have some company out here!

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the posters who have said, "well DH said yes, so you gotta let it happen." Um, no. OP's DH shouldn't have made such a decision without consulting OP. And just because permission was given by one parent doesn't mean the other parent must let it go.