My D wants to go away with BF and family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's really not the end of the world if she is having sex as long as she's responsible. I had sex at 17 with my boyfriend and it was fine. Actually, it was wonderful in many ways. I was in a good relationship with a respectful boyfriend. I had many positive experiences and really, it was probably a much better start to my sex life than it would have been in a college atmosphere. If they have been dating a year, your daughter is not a virgin unless you are extremely religious.

Teens wouldn't wait for a family vacation to have sex the first time. You may want to get her on some kind of hormonal birth control, though. Teens + condoms are often a recipe for disaster.

Oh, well, then, that's the final word. Your experience means so much.

Well, I had almost exactly the same experience as the PP: Sex for the first time at 17 (well, a few months shy of 17) with a nice, respectful boy I was madly in love with. It was a wonderful thing all told. Of course my authoritarian parents freaked out over it and tried to break us up ... only to regret it when I ended up with a MUCH WORSE bad boy! They sure missed my Ivy League-bound nice first boyfriend when I started dating a college drop-out felon! Obviously I have to take some responsibility for my own actions, but I can assure you that the utter freak out, guilt trip, hysterical reaction of my parents to my first boyfriend had absolutely no positive effect on my behavior, and instead made me more cut off, alienated, and without good adult guidance than I already was.

Only proving the point that you were too young and too immature to be having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's really not the end of the world if she is having sex as long as she's responsible. I had sex at 17 with my boyfriend and it was fine. Actually, it was wonderful in many ways. I was in a good relationship with a respectful boyfriend. I had many positive experiences and really, it was probably a much better start to my sex life than it would have been in a college atmosphere. If they have been dating a year, your daughter is not a virgin unless you are extremely religious.

Teens wouldn't wait for a family vacation to have sex the first time. You may want to get her on some kind of hormonal birth control, though. Teens + condoms are often a recipe for disaster.

Oh, well, then, that's the final word. Your experience means so much.

Well, I had almost exactly the same experience as the PP: Sex for the first time at 17 (well, a few months shy of 17) with a nice, respectful boy I was madly in love with. It was a wonderful thing all told. Of course my authoritarian parents freaked out over it and tried to break us up ... only to regret it when I ended up with a MUCH WORSE bad boy! They sure missed my Ivy League-bound nice first boyfriend when I started dating a college drop-out felon! Obviously I have to take some responsibility for my own actions, but I can assure you that the utter freak out, guilt trip, hysterical reaction of my parents to my first boyfriend had absolutely no positive effect on my behavior, and instead made me more cut off, alienated, and without good adult guidance than I already was.

Only proving the point that you were too young and too immature to be having sex.

Tell that to mother nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's really not the end of the world if she is having sex as long as she's responsible. I had sex at 17 with my boyfriend and it was fine. Actually, it was wonderful in many ways. I was in a good relationship with a respectful boyfriend. I had many positive experiences and really, it was probably a much better start to my sex life than it would have been in a college atmosphere. If they have been dating a year, your daughter is not a virgin unless you are extremely religious.

Teens wouldn't wait for a family vacation to have sex the first time. You may want to get her on some kind of hormonal birth control, though. Teens + condoms are often a recipe for disaster.

Oh, well, then, that's the final word. Your experience means so much.

Well, I had almost exactly the same experience as the PP: Sex for the first time at 17 (well, a few months shy of 17) with a nice, respectful boy I was madly in love with. It was a wonderful thing all told. Of course my authoritarian parents freaked out over it and tried to break us up ... only to regret it when I ended up with a MUCH WORSE bad boy! They sure missed my Ivy League-bound nice first boyfriend when I started dating a college drop-out felon! Obviously I have to take some responsibility for my own actions, but I can assure you that the utter freak out, guilt trip, hysterical reaction of my parents to my first boyfriend had absolutely no positive effect on my behavior, and instead made me more cut off, alienated, and without good adult guidance than I already was.

Only proving the point that you were too young and too immature to be having sex.

Actually, my relationship with the first (stable) boyfriend was actually a really good, healthy choice. It was my parents who made my life difficult and interfered with mature decisionmaking. At any rate, there is really no way to stop teens from having sex that doesn't boil down to some extreme authoritarian control that will inevitably be more damaging than the relationship. The BEST thing to do is to stay open and treat your kid with respect, while letting them know where you stand on the issue.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have too many family members heading off in too many directions to have the luxury of making a carefully crafted decision.

[Anonymous]

I did almost this exact same trip at 17 with my boyfriend's family. It was awesome. We slept in the same room but weren't having sex yet. That happened a few months later...if you trust her then you should let her go.

[Anonymous]

OP - my parents didn't like my boyfriend or his parents when I was in high school. They never said they didn't like them, but they voiced a lot of the same concerns you have on this thread. His dad had a boat that I was never allowed to go on, and I was never allowed to go with them to their vacation home either. I was/am a pretty level headed person but really nothing drove me into his arms faster than my parents' restrictions.

Have a grown up conversation with your daughter about your concerns and then let it go. Anything that might happen at the beach house might also be happening right under your nose without you knowing it (speaking from experience) unless you are literally there every time they see each other (and if you are, that's way too much - please cut them some slack). Give your daughter the space to learn to make grown up decisions before she goes to college and she has to get really good at it really fast.

[Anonymous]

OP, let her go. When I was your daughter's age I was madly in love, but having sex never crossed my mind (late bloomer). My dad behaved like a crazy idiot, would not let me be alone with the guy, called me a slut for coming home late, allowed no sleepovers at friends', etc, etc. It was ridiculous, I am still sort of traumatized by it.

[Anonymous]

The BF's mom's reaction is odd. So, I would disallow this trip if it was my DD.

However, I really do not know what your family dynamics, rules and boundaries are. Trust your gut!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have too many family members heading off in too many directions to have the luxury of making a carefully crafted decision.

Strange comment. Hey that's life. People go places and do things, have commitments. What is your suggestion they all stop in their tracks any plans they have to stop and think, some of the tings people say on this board really baffle me. Like you are implying if you are busy or have a lot going on, one is not capable of making a carefully executed decision? Huh?

OP I missed when the trip is but assume it is happening soon. If you think this will keep you up at night, then you may need to stop her from going. If you think you can have another conversation with her coming from a place of telling her your biggest concerns and worries, then do so and trust her and let her go and have fun. My own feeling as a mother of 3 teens is if they want to have sex they WILL find a way. Quite easy in fact.

It is also possible your D is having sex but not telling you as you seem anxious (not meant to be mean as I am too) and she might sense it and be afraid to tell you and his parents might be "cooler" with this. To someone who said the BF's moms reaction was surprising. It really isn't to me. A mother of sons is different than a mother of girls, plus the BF is the youngest, so this mother has seen it all. To her this is probably nothing. And I think her response was an indirect way of telling GF's mom that she will put her D in a guest room but that will not be policiing them through all hours of the night if something went on. She doesn't, it sounds, want to be that responsible in that area. Did you tell the mother your concerns? Maybe it f you are direct with her about it, she will have a different response.

I would be a little uneasy too but if you trust your D I would let her go. It is life and a new experience for her to add to her resume of life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally think because your H said yes you cannot go back. Time though to sit down for a heart to heart not asking if they are sexually active but that just "in case" they are or will be, you want to be sure they are doing it in a smart way. i

If this were my D I would also not hesitate to call the BF's parents and speak honestly about the concerns you have. If anything it will make them a bit more aware and more vigilant and likely spark a conversation between them and their own son.

I am not going to judge, maybe they spend every waking moment together and it doesn't' seem odd that they are going on vacation for 10 days. We took my college daughters BF w/us to Park City in Feb. for 8 days and had a blast.

If you trust your daughter, then you need to make that the number one thing to keep in mind. If your lines of communication are open and she knows she can go to you then that's what is most important.

Let her know who to call too if she needed somehow to go home (illness or whatever) of course I dont' need to tell you that but just a mom to mom piece of advice.

Husband needs to agree to reconsider,
TOGETHER with Mom.
Critical life lesson for daughter.

[Anonymous]

The blame for this lies at the feet of your husband. He should not have said yes before the two of you discussed.

I wouldn't let her go. I would let her go if she was graduated high school and close to being 18. I think the age difference is too great -- 2 years at their ages is immense.

And yeah, they are having sex. He's 19. They are definitely having sex.

I would make sure your daughter starts getting a pelvic exam this year and going forward.

Oh, and I wanted to add, the boyfriend's mom was being flip, but she was also being honest. Unless someone monitors 24 hours she can't guarantee anything.

[Anonymous]

I would be torn. I personally would have to assume they are having sex and probably excited at the chance that there will be a lot of alone time far away from home to have all the sex they want. Sorry just being honest.

HOWEVER your H knowing you feel this way, should not have given permission without having spoken to you. I would be mad too. I think this is something you need to discuss with your H and see if perhaps you can work it out to have her picked up early maybe after 3-5 days? Just an idea.

I feel your pain but at the same time, you need to realize it is very likely they are having sex, he at 19? I would bet money on it.

[Anonymous]

They are having sex duh. I cannot believe you have any doubt. Once you come to grips with the truth, I think your issues and anxieties over her going will evaporate like the ocean air.

[Anonymous]

What bothers me about the other family is the "boys will be boys" attitude. And that not Only is it fine but they are tacitly encouraging it. I would say no to this trip but that is my old fashioned view

[Anonymous]

OP I don't think you are really saying rape so much as push. Of course there will be a big push to have sex and more than ample opportunity. It will put your dd in an awkward position if she wants to say no. The boy will have 10 days alone with her to talk her into it. So not rape but certain awkward for your dd if she does not wish to have sex with this boy. It eps be a no for me