When you got married, how much did you really think about marrying into your spouse's family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+2 million

[Anonymous]

I thought about it somewhat. We were together 8 yrs before we got married. We live about a 7 hour drive away from them and don't see them very often, so their craziness is pretty easy to deal with. DH isn't super close with them.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I had to think about it because my husband is English and his family all live there, so I had to consider how I would deal if he felt at any point that we needed to leave the U.S. to live over there. I would do that for him (though now with a middle schooler, it would be much more complicated). I knew I liked his parents and aunts and uncles and sister; knew that he was loyal and loving toward his parents but not under their thumbs (because I knew them well enough to know they are very easygoing and let their adult kids BE adults); and knew that if they needed him, I would be the one telling him, "Take your vacation time and get over there now!" Yes, I'm glad he wanted to make our life together in the U.S., for many reasons I won't go into here. But having been, myself, raised in a family where the elderly were highly valued and respected, I think that made me very inclined to respect his parents and other relations too. Is it sometimes good that they are so far away? Yes, especially in the sad case of one beloved aunt who is mentally ill and refuses treatment, and who makes everyone's life painful at times, but overall -- I knew before we got married that he was close to his family, and that was one reason I loved him; and I also knew that his parents would not interfere in our marriage (even if we lived right there in their town).

[Anonymous]

"Coming from the opposite perspective, I'm glad DH married me despite that my family is crazy. I'm the black sheep in that I'm the normal one, but I do have an aunt and uncle who I'm quite close to. They were more of a role model for relationships than were my entire dad's family and for my own parent's relationship. "

This is me too! My parents fight like cats and dogs, and my DH has gradually seen their crazy ways over the years of us being married. Not sure if he saw the full crazy before he "bought the cow". Luckily they don't live in town.

My younger sister is dealing with this now--trying to shield her current boyfriend from the reality that is our family of origin, and trying not be judged about it (her hang up, not his). It's a good test if someone loves you enough to ignore your lousy family. Think "my big fat greek wedding" but more dysfunctional.

I honestly think my husband is a saint for dealing with my family and their craziness. Don't know why I turned out normal and one of my siblings did not. (Also a crazy fighter with a ton of emotional and financial problems.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

This. So much this. I love my husband with all my heart. But, his mom was on her very best behavior until after we got married. I was in my mid 20s and clearly not mature enough to see through her. I love my husband too much to leave him because of his mom. But now that we have a child together I really wish she wasn't part of my family. I would tell anyone about to get married to examine the future spouse's family very closely and ask if they can live with them for many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I had to think about it because my husband is English and his family all live there, so I had to consider how I would deal if he felt at any point that we needed to leave the U.S. to live over there. I would do that for him (though now with a middle schooler, it would be much more complicated). I knew I liked his parents and aunts and uncles and sister; knew that he was loyal and loving toward his parents but not under their thumbs (because I knew them well enough to know they are very easygoing and let their adult kids BE adults); and knew that if they needed him, I would be the one telling him, "Take your vacation time and get over there now!" Yes, I'm glad he wanted to make our life together in the U.S., for many reasons I won't go into here. But having been, myself, raised in a family where the elderly were highly valued and respected, I think that made me very inclined to respect his parents and other relations too. Is it sometimes good that they are so far away? Yes, especially in the sad case of one beloved aunt who is mentally ill and refuses treatment, and who makes everyone's life painful at times, but overall -- I knew before we got married that he was close to his family, and that was one reason I loved him; and I also knew that his parents would not interfere in our marriage (even if we lived right there in their town).

Please take a writing course.

[Anonymous]

Knocked up. No options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+1. I didn't think about them at all. Knew he had parents but somehow they didn't matter. If I was reliving my life again I would be looking much more closely at the family

Me too. Also, it's one thing for these nutty people to be your in-laws. When they become your children's grandparents, it's a whole new ball game. I did not think about that at all and really regret it.

Same for me

[Anonymous]

I knew they were odd, but DH was different. Now after ten years and some difficult experiences, I see DH acting more and more like them and it scares the crap out of me.

I do think he has over one a lot and I need to work on helping him continue on a positive direction.

[Anonymous]

"I knew they were odd, but DH was different. Now after ten years and some difficult experiences, I see DH acting more and more like them and it scares the crap out of me."

My DH acts more and more like his family too. They make any family look perfect, unfortunately. They really have some anger issues, especially MIL. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Spouse's family has been a gift from God.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+10,000

[Anonymous]

I didn't think about them at all because his parents live in Bangladesh and don't speak English. I think I'm pretty lucky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

This. So much this. I love my husband with all my heart. But, his mom was on her very best behavior until after we got married. I was in my mid 20s and clearly not mature enough to see through her. I love my husband too much to leave him because of his mom. But now that we have a child together I really wish she wasn't part of my family. I would tell anyone about to get married to examine the future spouse's family very closely and ask if they can live with them for many years.

I could have written this. Unfortunately I notice more and more of MIL in DH (not the best qualities) and wish both of them were not part of my family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you got married, how much did you really think about marrying into your spouse's family?

Were you happy about joining your spouse's family? Or did you just think that you can be married to your spouse without having to deal with his/her family?

Didn't read the thread. Just wanted to post that I really ought to have thought about this, but I was in love, and figured they would be pushed into the background forever. Fast forward 20 years, and wow, they have poked into our lives in a number of miserable ways. Not saying i would not have married DH, but I wish I'd been more aware of how awful they are, and how much DH resembles them in some ways, which drive me completely crazee!!! I think I could have been spared some pain had I really taken a good look at them and DH and prepared myself for their worst traits appearing in DH, which they have. No, he's not nearly as awful as they are, but he's their son, and they raised him, so he's inherited some of their behaviors, try as he might to distance himself from them. Love does NOT overcome these things, so please take a good look at your future inlaws before getting married to let your self be forwarned about what you may be in for.