When you got married, how much did you really think about marrying into your spouse's family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thought about it. First, my parents always advised us to look at the family situation of any candidate. Seeing what they grew up with will help you understand what you are getting into. Also, my spouse was the fourth child in the family to get married. So I had a few years of watching the interaction with other DILs.

Spouse's family has been a gift from God. There were some minor issues early on, but we get along great and have for the past 15 years.

Agree. DH and I were the first ones in our generations to marry. No opportunity to watch interactions with DILs or grandchildren. MIL turned out to be a nosy Parker and a trouble maker. FIL is a total doormat.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I thought about it. It was very important to me that DHs parents were still together and married, especially since we came from different backgrounds. I was only 23 when I met him but even then divorced parents would have been a red flag because it can signal all sorts of disfunction. There have been bumps along the road but over 20 years later, I genuinely love my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

I spent two weeks at my future ILs place without DH before we got engaged (we were talking seriously about marriage) so I got to know his family well. My FIL has some serious mental health and addiction issues so I wanted to know what I was signing up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

So true. Love is blind and the rose colored glasses don't help. I thought my family was messed up so at the time I was glad to have his family. Don't ignore the warning signs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you who are saying, "I wish I thought about it more" - presumably you were in love (deeply) with your spouse when you married. (Right?!?!) So assuming that, are you seriously saying that thinking that his family would be a pain in the ass would have altered your decision to marry?

It might not change your decision to marry, but it would give you a chance to talk some things over with your spouse, develop some strategies (together or alone) for dealing with in-laws, avoid some nasty surprises, and avoid falling into some bad patterns at the outset.

[Anonymous]

This matters so much, I wish I knew then what I know now!

[Anonymous]

From the time I was an older teenager, my parents had spoken about the importance of considering your future spouse's family. They said that was a HUGE part of a marriage. So I did look at DH's family and it was part of what attracted me to him. An incredible, incredible family. That was really good advice.

[Anonymous]

Men should look at their mate's mother to see how she might look and women should look at the future FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+2

Me, too.

[Anonymous]

I really enjoy his family. The one thing that irritates me is that they are fervent Tea Partiers and they are always talking about politics. I just smile, nod, ignore, and drink lots of wine.

Other than that, they are incredibly sweet and generous. H and his siblings are hilarious and love to egg them on about their political beliefs - which they are oblivious to - so we are always having a great time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+1. I didn't think about them at all. Knew he had parents but somehow they didn't matter. If I was reliving my life again I would be looking much more closely at the family

+2

me too

[Anonymous]

I was so blind. I'm a people pleaser and that's always been good for me, but not with my in laws. I was too nice and got walked all over during the wedding and on and on. DH is a people pleaser too and refuses to discuss any bad issues with his family. He won't even discuss the fact that we're spending Christmas with my family this year (we alternate) just because he avoids hard conversations. Ridiculous. I should have put my foot down and grew a backbone long before.

[Anonymous]

Coming from the opposite perspective, I'm glad DH married me despite that my family is crazy. I'm the black sheep in that I'm the normal one, but I do have an aunt and uncle who I'm quite close to. They were more of a role model for relationships than were my entire dad's family and for my own parent's relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of you who are saying, "I wish I thought about it more" - presumably you were in love (deeply) with your spouse when you married. (Right?!?!) So assuming that, are you seriously saying that thinking that his family would be a pain in the ass would have altered your decision to marry?

It might not change your decision to marry, but it would give you a chance to talk some things over with your spouse, develop some strategies (together or alone) for dealing with in-laws, avoid some nasty surprises, and avoid falling into some bad patterns at the outset.

This. It's not about the extended family but how the both of you will deal with them. For example, I wish I had made it more clear that I expected my husband to take my side no matter what. He can tell me later, in private, that I'm wrong. Also wish he understood from the get-go that I'm an introvert. I think a 4 hour wedding is a reasonable amount of time to socialize, and an 8 hour family reunion is torture. After the 5th hour, I will start snapping at people.

[Anonymous]

DH & I had been together for a while when we got married. I knew his family and I liked his family but I *married* dh and I think dh felt the same way, he married me - our families on either side were just a nice bonus.