When you got married, how much did you really think about marrying into your spouse's family?

[Anonymous]

Well I was 14, so I didn't think about it at all. Who knew we'd wind up staying together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the most attractive things about my husband was his lack of extended family.

I think that is the least romantic thing I have ever heard.

[Anonymous]

I thought about it a lot, and now it still doesn't seem like enough.

It was even an issue before we got married.

[Anonymous]

All of you who are saying, "I wish I thought about it more" - presumably you were in love (deeply) with your spouse when you married. (Right?!?!) So assuming that, are you seriously saying that thinking that his family would be a pain in the ass would have altered your decision to marry?

[Anonymous]

Didn't think about it enough. They have been the subject of almost all of our fights over the past five years. My MIL is a passive aggressive controlling witch who nobody can stand and my husband has some serious issues with regard to her. It's very hard on our marriage.

[Anonymous]

21:10 here -- no, it likely wouldn't have changed anything, but having my eyes open might have saved me some unpleasant surprises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you who are saying, "I wish I thought about it more" - presumably you were in love (deeply) with your spouse when you married. (Right?!?!) So assuming that, are you seriously saying that thinking that his family would be a pain in the ass would have altered your decision to marry?

I'm the "should have been a bitch to MIL since Day One" poster. I should have set some clear cut boundaries and been less focused upon trying to make sure she liked me. I kind of did the hard sell and presented myself in a way that belied my high need for independence. Through the years, I've learned that my MIL is a self absorbed narcissist who rules her family with an iron fist. I should have kept her at arms length.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. I've met his two siblings maybe five times in all, his mother once, and his father about ten times. The closest is an eight hour drive. He isn't on bad terms with them, just not close to sibs and geographically far from parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Mostly I thought I got pretty lucky having such nice in-laws. I love my MIL in particular. Am closer to her than my own mother.

+1.

I thought about it in the sense that I really thought about my husband's own qualities. I figured that some of the way he is today must be the result of how he was parented, and I was right. Many of his wonderful qualities can also be found in his family.

[Anonymous]

Interesting.
Soon after I met STBDH he got estranged from his mother (he cut most contact, for multiple reasons). His dad (divorced with his mom since he was 4) lived thousands of miles away and had a reputation of a man who is really into giving, family values, etc. What's not to like?
Luckily, I still have MIL absent from my life. However FIL moved closer to us at one point and suddenly became a total taker - started asking his older son (my H) for money, H always caved, FIL then transferred some of it to the benefit of his younger son from his second marriage, etc etc. Wasn't pretty.
Luckily we moved away but I had several occasions to get disappointed in FIL big time. In short, he pretends to be a family man but really does not care about anyone but him or his younger son (in a specific way which set this young man up for failure), he is trying to milk my H, etc.
Overall, a sad and non pretty story. I try to stay away from all relatives on H's side. His grandma is very old fashioned in that she thinks a woman should serve her man on the surface, but still thinks that men are stupid, if you know what I mean.

[Anonymous]

I don't care for my in laws at all and they've done some rotten stuff. However, I adore my DH and would marry him again 1000 times over even knowing his parents now. I think the key is that he is aware of their faults and maintains good boundaries with them (now anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

I know, right.

[Anonymous]

I got to know DH's extended family for a number of years before marriage (helps that they are locationally and emotionally close).
I sparkly heart his extended family. They are great. It's something I really don't have, so it was kind of a bonus.
I like his parents too. I used to like them a lot more, but... dun dun dun... I really dislike BIL/SIL, and some of that interaction has spilled over into how I feel about M/FIL.
OTOH, maybe DH should have thought more about MY extended family (LOL) but hey, he went in with eyes wide open, believe me.

[Anonymous]

Of course I thought about it. First, my parents always advised us to look at the family situation of any candidate. Seeing what they grew up with will help you understand what you are getting into. Also, my spouse was the fourth child in the family to get married. So I had a few years of watching the interaction with other DILs.

Spouse's family has been a gift from God. There were some minor issues early on, but we get along great and have for the past 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you got married, how much did you really think about marrying into your spouse's family?

Were you happy about joining your spouse's family? Or did you just think that you can be married to your spouse without having to deal with his/her family?

I was happy. They are good people. I thought they would be more active in our lives, but if we want to see them ( with the exception of one sister), we have to travel to them.