When you got married, how much did you really think about marrying into your spouse's family?

[Anonymous]

I focused way too much on getting them to like me, and trying to fit in with them despite our different cultural backgrounds. When the "real" me and the "real" them came out, we didn't get along at all. It's fine, my husband is very different from them and likewise, I'm quite separate from my family.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I thought about it alright. After seeing what my Mom went through with my Dad's wacky family, I vowed to never be in that situation. I've broken up with guys b/c of their families. DH's family has its issues, but they're ones I can deal with. Heck, my family has issues too.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws' stripes didn't show until until after we said "I do." I was floored, and this was after 5 years of dating now DH. 8 years past the wedding and they still manage to astound me regularly.

[Anonymous]

I did. He had a really nice extended family. I realized I wanted to marry him while at an extended family event (with his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it). I was the second person to marry in and have had fun keeping up with his various cousins and their spouses over the past many years. It has been fun to welcome others into the clan! None of them are local, sadly.

Unfortunately, where I fell short was not really thinking about him. I thought I did, but I guess I didn't do enough. If I had, maybe I would have seen some of the issues that have affected our marriage, including the alcohol problem and anger problem. We dated mostly long distance and he did change after we got married and even more after kids. I guess on the good side his parents have been a great support to me through all of that, especially his father.

[Anonymous]

Not at all, because I knew my ILs were far away and DH is not very attached to them. They are completely out to lunch. Fortunately, they fine with only visiting once a year.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, neither of us truly understood our extreme cultural differences. Between us, we're fine, but his family has been really difficult to deal with, even though they're mostly quite nice people. Their culture is suffocatingly close and family oriented, which I didn't see, since he never seemed to follow their rules or get involved with their activities. We kept our distance, for the most part, and until I got dragged into the family web, many years after we got together, I was blissfully unaware of how messy it is.

[Anonymous]

I thought about it very carefully. My in-laws are from another faith and they are also pretty opinionated. I had to feel secure that my DH would support me and present a united front. Since my DH has always placed me (and our children) first (and I have done likewise with my family), our marriage has prospered.

[Anonymous]

I thought about it a lot. I dated someone for 5 years in my 20s and eventually One of the reasons we broke up was his family. They are not bad, just cold and I never felt like I belonged.

When I met my current inlaws, I felt very welcomed and at home.

[Anonymous]

None, and what a mistake! Me from a quiet, rather formal family. His family huge, loud, drink too much and all of them overwhelming. I only spent one Thanksgiving/Christmas with them and never again. One of his cousins threw someone out a window! Strangely enough, my DH agreed with me that his family should be taken in very small dosez on rare occasions.

[Anonymous]

The opposite actually happened to me. I did not much care for my husband's family when we got married but after 20 years of marriage, I have grown quite fond of them and actually prefer them over my own family. In fact, except for a few family members, I dislike my family immensely. It's been quite a reversal. I think it is because my husband's family is so "real" and down to earth. They may not always like each other or the things that some family members do or have done over the years (nothing cruel or shameful) but they are truly bonded to each other. They are the perfect example of "blood is thicker than water". I sometimes think if I did not have my husband's side of the family, I would not have much of a family for my kids to bond with. I always look forward to Thanksgiving because we go to visit different relatives of DH. And, I always look forward to meeting relatives I have not met previously. I dread Christmas Day because I know I have to spend it with my family, who I find depressing. Unlike DHs family, my own family never really bonded and the feelings of family I came to believe were purely superficial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't think about it enough. They have been the subject of almost all of our fights over the past five years. My MIL is a passive aggressive controlling witch who nobody can stand and my husband has some serious issues with regard to her. It's very hard on our marriage.

I feel your pain! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+1. I didn't think about them at all. Knew he had parents but somehow they didn't matter. If I was reliving my life again I would be looking much more closely at the family

+1000

Had I looked for more than a second, I would never have married him. My Mom, (who is no prize herself, so if HE looked he might have taken a pass as well!) told me that when you marry a man you should look at his father because that's who you'll be married to in 25 years. Unfortunately, it may have been the only useful thing she ever said to me and I totally didn't believe her. Sigh...

[Anonymous]

Didn't think about that at all. Thought DH was so different than them, and it didn't matter that they were crazy, cold, terrible with finances, narcissistic, completely different values than me. Big mistake. You are very influenced by your family growing up, like it or not. And now that I have kids, I have to think about their interactions with and influences on my kids, and on the other hand what distancing us from them means to my kids. I don't care about me, but my kids deserve loving, caring grandparents and I feel like I really should have thought about this more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men should look at their mate's mother to see how she might look and women should look at the future FIL.

Good Lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+1. I didn't think about them at all. Knew he had parents but somehow they didn't matter. If I was reliving my life again I would be looking much more closely at the family

Me too. Also, it's one thing for these nutty people to be your in-laws. When they become your children's grandparents, it's a whole new ball game. I did not think about that at all and really regret it.

This. His family is tearing us apart. Had I known DH was this tied to his Mommy and afraid of her as a grown man, I'd have thought twice. That and I should have been a bitch from Day One with my MIL to eliminate a power struggle with her. If I'd have put her in her place and not been so focused on making friends with her, perhaps the resulting estrangement would have allowed DH and I to mature as an independent married couple.

DH here. Same sentiments. In hindsight I was very young and immature; DW was afraid of her mother and never stood up to her. Made for immense marital friction. Prior to birth of DC had me on the verge of divorce. Had I met DW when I was older I think I would have been much wiser and as soon as MIL started her sh$t I would have called her on it. Til this day pissed me off.