How did you decide on family size?
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Anonymous
| Unlike most of the PPs, I decided well before I was married that I wanted 4 children. I have only one sibling, a brother who is "off" (noncommunicative, lives at home, will never marry or have kids, etc.), so for all intents and purposes I was an only child and my family was not cohesive, like, at all. We all went to our own separate corners after dinner and never spent any time together. I wanted something different and after observing several friends' families of 3-6 kids, I knew that I wanted a bigger and closer family (not that you necessarily can't have one without the other). Four just always seemed the right number -- on the edge of "large family" but not quite huge, yet still enough people that my kids would always have someone to play with and someone to count on later in life. When I met DH it was something he knew about me before we even met (we met online so it was in my profile), and he has two siblings himself so a family of 4 kids was not that much of a stretch. I think both our parents thought that we would change our minds, but we didn't. We have three great kids, and I am due in a month with #4. I'm super grateful that I have been able physically to have the family I dreamed of, and my children make me incredibly happy (and drive me crazy, obviously! but it is all worth it). But by the same token, we are absolutely done at four. In terms of financial concerns, space concerns, logistics, amount of attention available for each child, etc., four is the limit of what we're willing to take on. |
Anonymous
| I thought I was absolutely done at two, but when the youngest was 15 months, I started to feel like someone was "missing." Apparently the fates thought so too, as we got pregnant after one night of unprotected sex and I'm now 7.5 weeks with our third. I sobbed when I saw that I was pregnant so quickly--I wasn't mentally prepared to be pregnant again that fast. I'm one of three and remember it being a pain to go out to eat, go on vacations, etc, but now I think it's partly because my parents made it a pain. My siblings and I aren't close with each other and maybe see each other once a year, if that. DH was an only child and wanted a larger family. We're hoping that we can create the close, loving family we both always wanted-- |
Anonymous
It's not "fate" to get pregnant after unprotected fertile sex... it's a fairly inevitable consequence. If you thought you were absolutely done at two but didn't ensure it via permanent birth control, part of you wanted it. |
Anonymous
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I'm in a very similar place as you OP, and change my mind about a third almost every day. I think we might be done with two (life is starting to get so easy and financially three would be a stretch) but I often think about how much fun it would be to get to know another child. I'm from a wonderful big family, and feel bad that my children might not get to experience the same (although there's plenty of chaos to be had when all the cousins get together).
I really just don't know... in a way it seems reckless to go for #3, but I worry I'll regret not doing so once the kids are older. I sort of wish we'd end up with an "oops" baby and the decision would be made for me (unlikely though since I have an IUD) |
Anonymous
Obviously, but the way I read the above is they got pregnant after the first attempt-and it may have been their experience that getting pregnant took longer the first two times. I know several people who took more than 6 mo for a first pregnancy to occur, and started "trying" for the second thinking it would take that long again, just from personal experience. Having it happen sooner, even though you know logically it is possible/probable, can still feel shocking. |
Anonymous
People aren't being jerks. They are pointing out the obvious. THis woman is willingly bringing children into a home with a man that abuses her while pregnant and is "scary"--and uses religion as her excuse. You realize that her kids will likely grow up to be abusers or in abusive relationships. This woman is the ONLY protector of her children and she is failing them over and over and using her fucked up religious beliefs as the excuse. yes I said FUCKED UP RELIGIOUS beliefs. Someone needs to talk some sense into this woman. I feel so sorry for your children. What a miserable and joyless existance you are demonstrating for them. |
Anonymous
Please seek counseling. If/when your marriage improves, you may want to check out natural family planning. |
Anonymous
Yes, PP, that's exactly what happened. I assumed it would take several months, as we did lots of charting and planning to conceive our first two. I also conceived one week after the first day of my last period, and per my charting and other efforts with the first two, I thought I would ovulate at 14 days, which was always the consistent pattern with the many months of trying for the other kids. |
Anonymous
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We want 3-4 but only have one so far. We think we'll aim for 3-4 year spacing, but really are taking it one month at a time. We check in with each other on how we're both feeling about when to have the next one - it's a quick "still feel the same" most months, and a couple times a year it's a longer discussion. During the longer discussions, we do revisit our budget and financial goals, but we don't base our decision purely on financials - we know we could always move further out into the burbs, squeeze into a smaller home, and make other sacrifices to accommodate another child.
We aren't using artificial BC either, but we have studied natural methods in depth and know what we're doing so it is a conscious decision of whether or not to conceive each month. This is the lifestyle we've chosen and we're happy. |
Anonymous
| OP here- thank you for the responses. They are helpful. I'm curious for the people who did have 3+ kids, did any of you have lower energy before and managed to muster up more as your family grew? Did you also find that your patience grew with more kids? These are things I would need to work on if we did venture to have more. I've always liked the idea of larger families, especially the cohesiveness that seems to happen more often but that being said parenting young kids is a bit like boot camp and not sure if I'm up for the challenge. |
Anonymous
| I have three but am contemplating a 4th just because I feel like we've already entered the negatives of "large family territory" and might as well reap the benefits |
Anonymous
After my second was born (2.5 years after the first) i was 100% sure that we were "done". I had zero interest in another baby. However once #2 turned 3 years old I started entertaining the idea of another one. Things were getting much easier, and on one hand i didn't want to give up the "easy" phase, but on the other hand I felt like we could actually handle another. My husband liked the idea of another, though we both had worries about finances, space, chaos, stress, etc. However we decided to just take the plunge and go for it, since we couldn't put the conversation of whether to have a #3 to rest no matter how much we talked about it. Now I'm pregnant with #3 and while I still have worries about how it will impact our family dynamic and my life personally, we're all so excited. I like that my kids are older (4 and 6) and can do a lot of things themselves. They are so excited about the baby and really understand what's happening, which is neat. I am sure there will be moments where I will be totally overwhelmed and stressed but I love the idea of a bigger family and I hope there will be more pros than cons for all of us 
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Anonymous
| So basically does anyone who has a 3rd, 4th, etc ever say, "what the heck was I thinking?" IMHO it seems like you would regret not having one more child more than you would having one, if you're on the fence. |
Anonymous
| I've always wanted 5 but I think we'll compromise at 4. |
Anonymous
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I always had a picture of 2 children in my head, probably because I only have one sibling and for me, that was great. We did leave the door open for a third, up until our second was born, or even before that - I knew while pregnant that I never ever wanted to do it again
Besides a difficult and sometimes scary pregnancy (more emotionally than physically), several very common and pragmatic reasons: I just turned 38, and I think since I have two already, this is a good time to stop. We both work, no family nearby, and it is a struggle. We can't afford any more childcare. I think it would be great to have another in terms of siblings having each other, but I don't think it would be smart for me to get pregnant again, and I am 100% OK with that. I am actually relieved to be done with the pregnancy and giving birth part of my life
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