Stubborn sister in law

[Anonymous]

Op again. Thanks everybody, I really appreciate the feedback. You have all convinced me to let the church thing go. And I will work on learning to say NO for the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Thanks everybody, I really appreciate the feedback. You have all convinced me to let the church thing go. And I will work on learning to say NO for the rest.

It's not just saying 'no'. It's saying 'no' and being okay with it. It's all about choices and owning them.

[Anonymous]

OP you have boundary issues. This is a horrible collision of a person who is controlling and doesn't understand boundaries and a self centered person. Is your sil a narcissist?

You don't understand how inappropriate it is to try to *make* another adult do anything. It's her right to say no to anything you try to make her do. That also means you need to grow up enough to understand that she can't *make* you do anything. Don't drive her and give in to her schedule. You can offer to try to meet up with her but don't expect and week long family vacation/visit with someone who needs to go their own way.

When she pulls away and wants to do something different, she gets to. She's an adult. She's a difficult adult but it's her choice. The rest of her family may enjoy giving in to her but you and your spouse don't have to.

I think you are controlling and for some of us who grew up being controlled, we rebel against it when we can.

[Anonymous]

To the poster who said attending church with someone you are visiting is showing a sense of social decorum -BS!

It is rude to expect visitors to attend your functions religious or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

A thought about the church thing: it sounds like you wanted her to come to church largely to meet a group of people who are important to you and DH. Maybe next time she or anyone else visits but isn't interested in actually coming to church services, you could invite a few friends from church over for a barbecue instead.

[Anonymous]

new poster here: i agree with most everyone regarding church: its is not appropriate to ask someone to attend your religious services. that is a non-issue.

but i have a friend who is very much like your SIL. she is my good friend's older sister and i've remained somewhat friendly with the older sis even when everyone else has cut her off. Basically, older sis pulls stunts like your SIL: walking out of dinner when she's done, wrecking havoc with holidays b/c her "way" is the only way, etc. The family has slowly backed away from her - heck, they needed boundaries b/c they kept getting hurt by her. But now older sis is quite lonely. She believes she is the ultimate victim, sees a therapist who affirms that this is so, and has almost no contact with her parents or siblings anymore. Its just kind of sad to see from the outside b/c by everyone laying down the law all the time and constructing so many boundaries, no one is any happier and they are all more divided.

I can't say that you should be universally nice and doormat-y to SIL and suck it up and deal with all of her drama, but if it won't kill you to put up with her a little bit, it might be good for everyone...

[Anonymous]

This is you husband's issue as much as yours -- in fact it should be almost entirely his issue. HIS sister wants to visit THEIR parents. He deals with her, period.

If he agrees that he doesn't want to visit the parents with her: "Sorry, with the baby and the holidays it's too much. We aren't going to visit mom and dad when you want, but if you do, that's great." If she whines that she needs backup or says she won't go unless he goes, etc., he should not cave to the blackmail. "Sis, I"m sorry you feel that way, but you're an adult and it's up to you whether you go or not. We are not going. Next time we do go see mom and dad on our own schedule, I can let you know. But we're not able to go at the time you're suggesting." If sister then presses for another time to go, he needs to say that your family's not talking holidays right now.

Next time she visits you at your place, he tells her point blank: "What car rental company will you be using? I can e-mail you some contacts if you want. But we can't drive you while you're here -- with the baby's nap schedule it is very difficult. But we'd be glad to get you information on rentals." Period.

As for church: I am a churchgoer too but I think you are far, far too invested in the idea of her spending one hour in church as some kind of quid pro quo for four hours of hauling her around. She does not want to be there, period. Yes, her way of handling it was not very polite or gracious, especially as she knows that church is important to you, but she has a right to say no to even your wonderful church that means a lot to you. Let it go, let it go, let it go. There are much bigger issues here, like-- Why are you fretting over this when your husband should be the one dealing with her every time?

You and he both need to get some backbone regarding sister. She visits, she rents a car. She wants to see parents, she goes without hand-holding. If your husband caves to emotional blackmail from her, he needs to toughen up. So do you; don't let her drag you all over the place with your baby in tow. Just say no. Many, many cabs will gladly take her to Dulles at midnight.