Stubborn sister in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again – another example – a few years ago we rented a no-dogs-allowed house for both families over a holiday. Sister in law showed up with her large dog, saying that she had called the rental owner and he had given her a verbal ok to bring the pooch. There were kids with allergies who that was NOT ok with, and my sister had signed the rental forms and was super mad about being liable.

You lost me when you ranted about wanting her to go to church with you. Stop forcing your religion on anyone who doesn't want it! And you call your church "super liberal"... the super liberal christians I know don't guilt anyone, family or not, into attending with them.

As for the dog issue, it sounds like she felt like she'd covered her bases by talking to the owner and simply failed to communicate with your sister about the liability/technicalities. I could see being annoyed but you really haven't convinced me she's all that bad...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to concede the church point. She will not share that with you and she has drawn her line. She does not accommodate other people in that way, and that is who she is.

On the other hand, you need to say 'no' to driving her all around. You have your priorities and needs too, and are right to assert them calmly and irrevocably. Let your 'no' be as final as hers.

OP here. This is very helpful. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

You can't force someone to go to church. That is ridiculous.

Why not drive her around? Spending time together in the car is still spending time together and chatting and you get to see new places. Driving her to airport is nice and you should do it. why not? Otherwise, it costs a fortune for an airport taxi.

[Anonymous]

Church: no brainer. You do not get to dictate that. It's thoughtless and rude to even consider that. Let go.

Car: When she texted at 9 pm, your husband should have responded with the contact info for Super Shuttle or Uber and said politlely, "I'm so sorry. We thought you were renting a car. We can't make it at midnight (young baby, we'll be sleeping, etc.) but here's a number for a safe local company."

Don't let yourself be made a victim and then complain about it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone attacking the OP for being hurt that her SIL didn't want to attend church with them? Religious or not, it is poor behavior on her SIL's part to show complete lack of interest in familiarizing herself with what is obviously a huge part of OP and her DH's life. It's one hour of her time - it's not like they were trying to convert her or force religion on her.

[Anonymous]

Religion is a very deep thing for many people. You are wrong to be angry at her for not wanting to go to your church. You have no idea what she went through growing up with religion. Respect her feelings.

If you don't want to go visit her mother then tell her to find a friend or boyfriend or whatever to go with her, or to put on her big girl panties and go alone, but you won't be able to go with her.

It sounds like she is a boundary-pusher. You can't change other people, you can only change how you react to them. So accept she is this way, and simply have firm boundaries with her. If she'd pulled that dog shit with me, I would have said that since I signed the rental forms I wouldn't be able to let her dog in without written documentation from the rental owner/landlord saying bringing her dog was okay. Firm. Boundaries.

"I'm sorry, but we won't be able to drive you there. But if you want to borrow our computer to look up phone numbers for cab companies it's in the kitchen."

"I'm sorry, but we won't be able to accompany you to your mother's house. Please send her our best, and good luck."

[Anonymous]

I think you need to accept that your SIL is not going anywhere that she doesn't want to. That's her MO. So, make your holiday plans — including Christmas events at your church or special restaurants — and just accept that you will be doing those things without her. Don't feel bad about it. It doesn't need to inconvenience or embarrass you if she chooses to sit in the car, like one of your examples.

I would insist she rents a car, however, if she has things she plans to do on her own in the area.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may find this book useful. It's a classic and you will probably find the christian perspective very helpful and user friendly: http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Church: no brainer. You do not get to dictate that. It's thoughtless and rude to even consider that. Let go.

Car: When she texted at 9 pm, your husband should have responded with the contact info for Super Shuttle or Uber and said politlely, "I'm so sorry. We thought you were renting a car. We can't make it at midnight (young baby, we'll be sleeping, etc.) but here's a number for a safe local company."

Don't let yourself be made a victim and then complain about it.

+1. The only part about your entire rant that sounds remotely annoying is that she didn't figure out a way to get herself around. You could have just as easily said that driving her around didn't work for you, but she could X (borrow a car, get a Zipcar, etc.). However, she's your husband's sister and I don't really see that helping her out a little is a big deal. Also, her lifestyle is completely irrelevant and you should get over your petty-sounding feelings about that.

Let your husband deal with the MIL visit coordination and most of the communication with SIL if she annoys you so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone attacking the OP for being hurt that her SIL didn't want to attend church with them? Religious or not, it is poor behavior on her SIL's part to show complete lack of interest in familiarizing herself with what is obviously a huge part of OP and her DH's life. It's one hour of her time - it's not like they were trying to convert her or force religion on her.

Because religion is really personal and some people just don't want to be involved in it. I didn't grow up with it and it has no place in my life. SIL could have been more polite in her explanation - "sorry, I have other plans" - but I wouldn't want to sit through a church service either.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who won't put aside their feelings for an hour of their life for the happiness of their host was raised as a spoiled brat and comes off as a close-minded and immature adult. Refusing to accommodate someone for ONE HOUR after they rearranged their entire weekend to accommodate you is just plain rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Church: no brainer. You do not get to dictate that. It's thoughtless and rude to even consider that. Let go.

Car: When she texted at 9 pm, your husband should have responded with the contact info for Super Shuttle or Uber and said politlely, "I'm so sorry. We thought you were renting a car. We can't make it at midnight (young baby, we'll be sleeping, etc.) but here's a number for a safe local company."

Don't let yourself be made a victim and then complain about it.

Exactly. Where do you get off forcing someone to go to church with you? That is beyond rude.

And yes to what pp said about car. Plus, why did you and the baby have to drive with your husband?

I am with you on the dog issue. I am allergic to dogs and my family members insist in prioritizing their dog over me. Basically means I have to choose between not seeing family in the holidays or being a wheezing mess. I would defn push back on this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who won't put aside their feelings for an hour of their life for the happiness of their host was raised as a spoiled brat and comes off as a close-minded and immature adult. Refusing to accommodate someone for ONE HOUR after they rearranged their entire weekend to accommodate you is just plain rude.

But they didn't have to rearrange their entire weekend - that's the point. They chose to.

I completely understand why OP might be irritated as to her, church is no big deal. If it were going to lunch or something, I'd agree that SIL should suck it up. But not for church. No one should be forced into religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. So if we don't make the effort and coordinate holiday visits, she won't visit her parents at all, and her mother will FREAK OUT. (For whatever reason, mother-in-law is going to the mat for her to visit this holiday season after 7 years.) So us not coordinating will trigger a sh*tstorm. So do I do it to keep family peace, when I don't feel like accommodating her?

We had thought she was renting a car, until husband got a text at 9pm that she needed airport pickup at midnight.

The church thing sent me over the edge, but it's just the latest example of her being stubborn when there's something she cares about and then oblivious to favors she asks of others.

This is so not your problem. If anything, it's DH's. His sister, his mom. There is absolutely no need for you to be in the middle of that sh**storm. Coordinate with your MIL (or DH can) when you'll be visiting for the holidays like you normally do. Let SIL know. If she can come then, great. If not, oh well.

Or, DH can call up his sister and figure out when you all can be there at the same time and then present a proposed idea to MIL.

But SIL not coming, MIL freaking out? Not your problem, not your problem at all. It is not your responsibility to manage their drama for them.