Stubborn sister in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.

Ugh - Okay, OP. Forget the church thing. This is the problem. Your post right here. And it's my BIGGEST pet peeve of familial behaviors. So, I want to try and help you through this. You need to repeat this mantra every day, every evening until you see SIL again. "I own my own behaviors. I own my own decisions. No one can make me feel a certain way. And no one can make me do something I don't want to do."

You see, here's the problem. You (and your entire IL family apparently) bends over backwards to accommodate your SIL. And then get mad at HER because YOU agreed to do something. You get mad at her because YOU feel a certain way (discomfort) it's not her stubbornness, her rudeness, her personality or her anything that's the problem. It's yours (and your families). If she stays home because she doesn't like a restaurant - that's HER issue - not yours. You all make a family decision and enjoy it. It is up to her to go or stay home. She eats and sits in the car - you order a dessert if you want one and enjoy yourselves.

Do you get it? You control YOUR emotions and behaviors. No one else. She cannot make you do anything. You need to practice this until it starts getting comfortable for you. Once that happens, you'll be able to enjoy her company on her terms.....AND YOUR TERMS.

I agree, but how does this work with the dog situation? If they've agreed to rent a house together and have it be no dogs, and sil shows u with a dog, and op wants to protect her allergic kids from having to spend a week miserable with a dog, how do you handle this? My sister once did this, and when we to,d her to kennel the dogs (my parents even. Offered to pay for one near the beach house) she threatened to drive home with all her kids and everyone gave in.

Or rather, I didnt give in, mp but my parents did, so I was stuck wheezing and runny nosed all week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - for what it's worth, it's a Unitarian church. We barely mention God! EVERYONE there doesn't like organized religion!

You are missing the point. You are just as selfish as she is. If she does not like a restaurant, she stays home. She is an adult, her decision. If she does not see her parents, not your problem as they are her parents. If she needs a ride without telling you in advanced, call her a cab. Simple solutions. No way I will set foot in a church for an hour justifying it as it is Unitarian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who won't put aside their feelings for an hour of their life for the happiness of their host was raised as a spoiled brat and comes off as a close-minded and immature adult. Refusing to accommodate someone for ONE HOUR after they rearranged their entire weekend to accommodate you is just plain rude.

That's absurd. If you had Jewish friends visiting you, would you insist they go to church as well?

It's not about religion. It's about manners and social decorum.

So you would insist that your Jewish friends go to church with you? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.

Ugh - Okay, OP. Forget the church thing. This is the problem. Your post right here. And it's my BIGGEST pet peeve of familial behaviors. So, I want to try and help you through this. You need to repeat this mantra every day, every evening until you see SIL again. "I own my own behaviors. I own my own decisions. No one can make me feel a certain way. And no one can make me do something I don't want to do."

You see, here's the problem. You (and your entire IL family apparently) bends over backwards to accommodate your SIL. And then get mad at HER because YOU agreed to do something. You get mad at her because YOU feel a certain way (discomfort) it's not her stubbornness, her rudeness, her personality or her anything that's the problem. It's yours (and your families). If she stays home because she doesn't like a restaurant - that's HER issue - not yours. You all make a family decision and enjoy it. It is up to her to go or stay home. She eats and sits in the car - you order a dessert if you want one and enjoy yourselves.

Do you get it? You control YOUR emotions and behaviors. No one else. She cannot make you do anything. You need to practice this until it starts getting comfortable for you. Once that happens, you'll be able to enjoy her company on her terms.....AND YOUR TERMS.

I agree, but how does this work with the dog situation? If they've agreed to rent a house together and have it be no dogs, and sil shows u with a dog, and op wants to protect her allergic kids from having to spend a week miserable with a dog, how do you handle this? My sister once did this, and when we to,d her to kennel the dogs (my parents even. Offered to pay for one near the beach house) she threatened to drive home with all her kids and everyone gave in.

Or rather, I didnt give in, mp but my parents did, so I was stuck wheezing and runny nosed all week.

Well, no one can make you do something you don't want to. You either stay and suck it up or leave. if it's a big enough house - you declare the downstairs (or kitchen or family room) a NO-DOG zone. You get a gate and you say - this is my space, I don't want dog hair here. No hard feelings - but you either succumb (but then don't bitch about it) or you leave. That's what SIL does - she either gets her way or leaves. You do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.

12:37 back again. I think you need to stop letting SIL's crazy drama run the show. If she is the lone holdout on the restaurant choice, you all say, "Sorry dear, we're going to the Golden Corral, we'd love you to join us, but if you can't make it there's a pizza in the freezer." Then GO. And eat. And forget about her. Or she leaves the place early - take your time, order dessert, tell stories - it's HER idea to go sit in the car. Why should it bother YOU?

As far as the dog...I am a dog owner, I get it. And she's WAY out of line. If you guys are allergic or whatever, then you need to say to her, "SIL, I am sorry, I thought you understood that Ladasha is allergic to dogs. Also this beach house is dog free. So Rufus can't stay but there's a lovely kennel down the way. Here's the number." If she freaks and threatens to leave, just let her go. It's HER drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who won't put aside their feelings for an hour of their life for the happiness of their host was raised as a spoiled brat and comes off as a close-minded and immature adult. Refusing to accommodate someone for ONE HOUR after they rearranged their entire weekend to accommodate you is just plain rude.

That's absurd. If you had Jewish friends visiting you, would you insist they go to church as well?

It's not about religion. It's about manners and social decorum.

NP here. OP, I do believe you may be the one with the poor manners and awful social decorum.

[Anonymous]

OP you are absolutely craxy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.

Ugh - Okay, OP. Forget the church thing. This is the problem. Your post right here. And it's my BIGGEST pet peeve of familial behaviors. So, I want to try and help you through this. You need to repeat this mantra every day, every evening until you see SIL again. "I own my own behaviors. I own my own decisions. No one can make me feel a certain way. And no one can make me do something I don't want to do."

You see, here's the problem. You (and your entire IL family apparently) bends over backwards to accommodate your SIL. And then get mad at HER because YOU agreed to do something. You get mad at her because YOU feel a certain way (discomfort) it's not her stubbornness, her rudeness, her personality or her anything that's the problem. It's yours (and your families). If she stays home because she doesn't like a restaurant - that's HER issue - not yours. You all make a family decision and enjoy it. It is up to her to go or stay home. She eats and sits in the car - you order a dessert if you want one and enjoy yourselves.

Do you get it? You control YOUR emotions and behaviors. No one else. She cannot make you do anything. You need to practice this until it starts getting comfortable for you. Once that happens, you'll be able to enjoy her company on her terms.....AND YOUR TERMS.

I agree, but how does this work with the dog situation? If they've agreed to rent a house together and have it be no dogs, and sil shows u with a dog, and op wants to protect her allergic kids from having to spend a week miserable with a dog, how do you handle this? My sister once did this, and when we to,d her to kennel the dogs (my parents even. Offered to pay for one near the beach house) she threatened to drive home with all her kids and everyone gave in.

Or rather, I didnt give in, mp but my parents did, so I was stuck wheezing and runny nosed all week.

Well, no one can make you do something you don't want to. You either stay and suck it up or leave. if it's a big enough house - you declare the downstairs (or kitchen or family room) a NO-DOG zone. You get a gate and you say - this is my space, I don't want dog hair here. No hard feelings - but you either succumb (but then don't bitch about it) or you leave. That's what SIL does - she either gets her way or leaves. You do the same.

After I've paid for my flights and portion of rent and we'd agreed no dogs? No. Dander gets into air vents and spreads all over the house, and she's not willing to keep it restricted anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who won't put aside their feelings for an hour of their life for the happiness of their host was raised as a spoiled brat and comes off as a close-minded and immature adult. Refusing to accommodate someone for ONE HOUR after they rearranged their entire weekend to accommodate you is just plain rude.

That's absurd. If you had Jewish friends visiting you, would you insist they go to church as well?

It's not about religion. It's about manners and social decorum.

NP here. In your circle it is appropriate to insist that a guest go to church with you? Really? That is absurd! You sound full of drama! If you don't want to drive her somewhere at midnight, DON'T! Or do and shut-up about it. Why try to make it into a drama filled event? If your SIL doesn't want to visit her mother w/o you, then she won't. That will be her concern. You have a choice on what matters in your life. You sound like my mother, every little thing has to be turned into something bigger than it is. She thrives off drama, always has. You sound VERY similar!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.

Ugh - Okay, OP. Forget the church thing. This is the problem. Your post right here. And it's my BIGGEST pet peeve of familial behaviors. So, I want to try and help you through this. You need to repeat this mantra every day, every evening until you see SIL again. "I own my own behaviors. I own my own decisions. No one can make me feel a certain way. And no one can make me do something I don't want to do."

You see, here's the problem. You (and your entire IL family apparently) bends over backwards to accommodate your SIL. And then get mad at HER because YOU agreed to do something. You get mad at her because YOU feel a certain way (discomfort) it's not her stubbornness, her rudeness, her personality or her anything that's the problem. It's yours (and your families). If she stays home because she doesn't like a restaurant - that's HER issue - not yours. You all make a family decision and enjoy it. It is up to her to go or stay home. She eats and sits in the car - you order a dessert if you want one and enjoy yourselves.

Do you get it? You control YOUR emotions and behaviors. No one else. She cannot make you do anything. You need to practice this until it starts getting comfortable for you. Once that happens, you'll be able to enjoy her company on her terms.....AND YOUR TERMS.

I agree, but how does this work with the dog situation? If they've agreed to rent a house together and have it be no dogs, and sil shows u with a dog, and op wants to protect her allergic kids from having to spend a week miserable with a dog, how do you handle this? My sister once did this, and when we to,d her to kennel the dogs (my parents even. Offered to pay for one near the beach house) she threatened to drive home with all her kids and everyone gave in.

Or rather, I didnt give in, mp but my parents did, so I was stuck wheezing and runny nosed all week.

Well, no one can make you do something you don't want to. You either stay and suck it up or leave. if it's a big enough house - you declare the downstairs (or kitchen or family room) a NO-DOG zone. You get a gate and you say - this is my space, I don't want dog hair here. No hard feelings - but you either succumb (but then don't bitch about it) or you leave. That's what SIL does - she either gets her way or leaves. You do the same.

After I've paid for my flights and portion of rent and we'd agreed no dogs? No. Dander gets into air vents and spreads all over the house, and she's not willing to keep it restricted anyway.

Then tell her she can't stay there with her dog. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again – another example – a few years ago we rented a no-dogs-allowed house for both families over a holiday. Sister in law showed up with her large dog, saying that she had called the rental owner and he had given her a verbal ok to bring the pooch. There were kids with allergies who that was NOT ok with, and my sister had signed the rental forms and was super mad about being liable.

NO

That's all it takes. She's mastered it--she said NO when you asked her to go to church. Now you try it:

"will you drive me to x, y, & z?" NO

"my dog is coming with me." NO

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again – another example – a few years ago we rented a no-dogs-allowed house for both families over a holiday. Sister in law showed up with her large dog, saying that she had called the rental owner and he had given her a verbal ok to bring the pooch. There were kids with allergies who that was NOT ok with, and my sister had signed the rental forms and was super mad about being liable.

You lost me when you ranted about wanting her to go to church with you. Stop forcing your religion on anyone who doesn't want it! And you call your church "super liberal"... the super liberal christians I know don't guilt anyone, family or not, into attending with them.

As for the dog issue, it sounds like she felt like she'd covered her bases by talking to the owner and simply failed to communicate with your sister about the liability/technicalities. I could see being annoyed but you really haven't convinced me she's all that bad...

Don't even try forcing anyone to go to church with you. Just because you do it, don't expect others to do so.

BUT--I agree she should keep her damn dog home with her. THAT's her forcing her dog on you--not cool. Just like you forcing your religion on her is not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - for what it's worth, it's a Unitarian church. We barely mention God! EVERYONE there doesn't like organized religion!

Doesn't matter. And I've been to a UU service--it still feels like church. You aren't being a very tolerant UU if you are still pressing this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.

Ugh - Okay, OP. Forget the church thing. This is the problem. Your post right here. And it's my BIGGEST pet peeve of familial behaviors. So, I want to try and help you through this. You need to repeat this mantra every day, every evening until you see SIL again. "I own my own behaviors. I own my own decisions. No one can make me feel a certain way. And no one can make me do something I don't want to do."

You see, here's the problem. You (and your entire IL family apparently) bends over backwards to accommodate your SIL. And then get mad at HER because YOU agreed to do something. You get mad at her because YOU feel a certain way (discomfort) it's not her stubbornness, her rudeness, her personality or her anything that's the problem. It's yours (and your families). If she stays home because she doesn't like a restaurant - that's HER issue - not yours. You all make a family decision and enjoy it. It is up to her to go or stay home. She eats and sits in the car - you order a dessert if you want one and enjoy yourselves.

Do you get it? You control YOUR emotions and behaviors. No one else. She cannot make you do anything. You need to practice this until it starts getting comfortable for you. Once that happens, you'll be able to enjoy her company on her terms.....AND YOUR TERMS.

I agree, but how does this work with the dog situation? If they've agreed to rent a house together and have it be no dogs, and sil shows u with a dog, and op wants to protect her allergic kids from having to spend a week miserable with a dog, how do you handle this? My sister once did this, and when we to,d her to kennel the dogs (my parents even. Offered to pay for one near the beach house) she threatened to drive home with all her kids and everyone gave in.

Why the hell did you give in? You all agreed no dogs, then you get her threaten you like that? I would have left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Get over the church issue. For some people any organized religion makes them really uncomfortable or brings up bad feelings. Let it go.

2) Tell her your plans for the holidays and say she is welcome to join, but may want her own car.

3) The next time she offers to visit, insist that she rent her own car.

+1

Religion is personal. You overstepped.