Stubborn sister in law

[Anonymous]

My sister in law is so stubborn! She is a single, free spirit type who lives in a faraway small university town, gets by on multiple part time jobs. She will just dig her heels in and it is her way or the highway.

She recently flew in for a friend’s wedding. During the visit, she adamantly refused to go to our super liberal church service with us because she says she is so traumatized by being forced to attend mass growing up that she will never go to another church, ever. The thing is I actually really like her, and constantly defend her to others, but this church thing somehow REALLY hurt my feelings. The church just means A LOT to us, it is the heart of our lives here, and it bummed me out big time that she would stand on an outdated principle rather than meet this community that obviously means so much to us.

At the last minute she decided not to rent a car for this trip, so my husband, baby and I spent 4 hours over the weekend in the car driving her to various functions in corners of Virginia. Including a midnight run to Dulles, and 90 minutes during naptime (PRECIOUS WEEKEND NAPTIME). She said thank you, and I feel like a total heel pointing this out as a quid pro quo, but in my heart I really feel like a one hour church visit was not a lot to ask after we went out of our way to help her all weekend.

Now she wants us to coordinate a visit over the holidays to see her parents, whom she doesn’t want to visit alone because she doesn’t get along with her mother (to the extent that she hasn’t gone to visit them in seven years). I feel super petty, but it would be an inconvenience for us to do it, and honestly at this point I just don’t feel like accommodating her.

Any thoughts or advice? I’m not dying to share my hurt feelings with her. It’s not a new problem and I have no desire to be yet one more person trying to break her will.

[Anonymous]

I think you are rude to force church on her.

[Anonymous]

1) Get over the church issue. For some people any organized religion makes them really uncomfortable or brings up bad feelings. Let it go.

2) Tell her your plans for the holidays and say she is welcome to join, but may want her own car.

3) The next time she offers to visit, insist that she rent her own car.

[Anonymous]

I would never visit anyone who expected me to go to church with them. That's beyond.

What if my group of death metal friends was really important to me? Wouldn't you go to a concert with me? It would really hurt my feelings if you didn't. It's the heart of my life. Oh and wear black.

[Anonymous]

If your death metal friends were important to you, I would totally go to the concert. I would want to meet your friends and see what that part of your life is like.

[Anonymous]

OP here - fair enough. I guess I go to church with my parents and in laws all the time when I don't want to, and don't believe what they do. It's an hour of my life, and it makes them happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, next time, just rent her the damn car yourself. or loan her one. or drive her to the rental place.

[Anonymous]

Next time, don't be her chauffeur.

If you have holiday plans, tell her, and she can schedule to visit when you're visiting your ILs or not.

[Anonymous]

Give up the church thing.

If you knew where all the events were, I would have had DH (this is his sister) be clear that she needed to rent her own car. Would you be comfortable loaning her your car? That was another possibility.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she was molested or something in the church. You may not know the whole story to her refusal/dislike, and maybe she doesn't want to share. I'd let it drop.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to concede the church point. She will not share that with you and she has drawn her line. She does not accommodate other people in that way, and that is who she is.

On the other hand, you need to say 'no' to driving her all around. You have your priorities and needs too, and are right to assert them calmly and irrevocably. Let your 'no' be as final as hers.

[Anonymous]

OP again. So if we don't make the effort and coordinate holiday visits, she won't visit her parents at all, and her mother will FREAK OUT. (For whatever reason, mother-in-law is going to the mat for her to visit this holiday season after 7 years.) So us not coordinating will trigger a sh*tstorm. So do I do it to keep family peace, when I don't feel like accommodating her?

We had thought she was renting a car, until husband got a text at 9pm that she needed airport pickup at midnight.

The church thing sent me over the edge, but it's just the latest example of her being stubborn when there's something she cares about and then oblivious to favors she asks of others.

[Anonymous]

OP - it is completely unreasonable to expect others to attend church just because they are visiting you, or to be hurt because they don't. Religion is a deeply personal issue, and she's entirely within her rights to not go. Frankly, your characterization of her views as standing on an "outdated principle" is more offensive than her refusal to go with you. Lots of people have issues with religion - if anything, it's more and more mainstream to not attend church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. So if we don't make the effort and coordinate holiday visits, she won't visit her parents at all, and her mother will FREAK OUT. (For whatever reason, mother-in-law is going to the mat for her to visit this holiday season after 7 years.) So us not coordinating will trigger a sh*tstorm. So do I do it to keep family peace, when I don't feel like accommodating her?

We had thought she was renting a car, until husband got a text at 9pm that she needed airport pickup at midnight.

The church thing sent me over the edge, but it's just the latest example of her being stubborn when there's something she cares about and then oblivious to favors she asks of others.

But it's not just another example, it's one area of life where she gets to make her own decisions, without interference from others.

As far as the visit, if you were going anyway, and it's not going to be a huge deal (how big an inconvenience will it be?) than I'd coordinate. It sounds like you don't want to coordinate out of petty retribution (in which case might I gently suggest that you should listen a little more closely at those church services you claim are so important). But if it truly doesn't work, that's OK too, and your MIL can pound sand - it isn't your job to manage her relationship with her daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP again – another example – a few years ago we rented a no-dogs-allowed house for both families over a holiday. Sister in law showed up with her large dog, saying that she had called the rental owner and he had given her a verbal ok to bring the pooch. There were kids with allergies who that was NOT ok with, and my sister had signed the rental forms and was super mad about being liable.