Write a check this week for 10k to help your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a situation where one of our parents need to get a new car unexpectedly and due to no fault on their own. Basic Camry or Accord looks around 20k, so siblings each putting in 10k to help out parents. And these are amazing grandparents, they help with kids, stayed home to care for them with babies, etc.

We happen to have 10k available in checking b/c we are house hunting so keep cash on had for that. But other sibling is balking, saying that they don't have 10k available to help grandparents. My spouse and I are a little at odds over if this a legitimate issue or if they are perhaps holding back.

So here's the demographic and let us know if most folks could put together 10k in short order.
1) HHI 200k+
2) Home value $1m, bought 2001 and with help from their millionaire in-laws for DP
3) 3 kids, but no child are expenses b/c of family help (including grandparents who need the money for car)

So, I feel that most folks who fit this mold could put together check for 1% of their home value without much issue. My spouse thinks this is a lot lot of money and most folks couldn't swing it. I am not bothered by the siblings response; suspect their is some family dynamic there between husband and wife that complicates things, maybe all money tied up in long term investments, who knows.

I think it is none of your business. You are not entitled to poke your nose into their finances and speculate about what they can and cannot do.

You do whatever you want to do, and let others do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Or, maybe you should not have had kids if you don't want to be responsible for their care. Family helps each other out. They help you with child care and you help them with other necessities.

Just because I visit MIL doesn't mean she should buy me a new car.


Define child care? Do they watch children every day from morning till night? Was this arrangement agreed upon by both parties? Were they expecting to be reimbursed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not much savings b/c a) both laid off in their 50s. You know the drill. b) paid private school tuition for their daughters. There life has been giving of themselves for their kids; their house is old and not fancy and their car was ten years old.

Only looking at new cars b/c a) used car prices at historic highs b) used cars will have more maintenance and less reliability, and they are older and often driving grand kids, and so reliability is key and c) bigger car like accord to fit 3 car seats in back.

From these reactions, I guess I am in the minority of giving money to family. But do most people have the availability of the money, or am I wrong there too!

If I were you OP and had the money, then I would gladly hand it over so my parents could get a new car. Everything my parents have done for me in my lifetime adds up well more than $10,000. I am surprised with the reactions too. Sad to think there arent more out there who would help their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not see why you are not going for aused car that is much more affordable at $8-10k and still safe and nice.

At that price point you are getting an almost 6 year old car. Most cars are trouble free for 10, so you are getting 4 years out of 10 for half the money. B/c of Great Recession used cars were bid up big, and now their is a constrained supply of used cars b/c people weren't buying new for several years. Plus rental companies are keeping cars way way longer, further curtailing supply.

http://www.edmunds.com/toyota/camry/2008/?sub=sedan&ps=used

Just like the mantra 'housing prices always go up' don't assume 'always buy used' is a constant truth. Do the math and check facts.

Not true. My DH bought a 1yo Hyundai Elantra for $11K two years ago. No problems, smooth sailing, still under warranty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:04 here. Also, there's no way I could personally come up with the kind of money you're talking about without liquidating part of my investment portfolio or dipping into my retirement fund. But I'm not anywhere close to your sibling's demographic. That said, if they say they can't afford it, I would leave them alone about it. Even when it's family, it's rude to assume that people can afford things based on what you perceive their financial situation to be. They may have stuff going on that you don't know about because they have chosen not to tell you, and bugging them about is not going to win you any favors.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you're getting it. I'm sure some people could come up with that much and many would be happy to help out parents that have helped them that much. I think the main issue were all reacting to (and maybe you just didn't say the full story) is that you come across like you're strong arming the sibling and not allowing them any room to discuss it. You're like this is the car, give me the money, you cheap bastards. I'd love to hear the sibling's side of this. I agree with PPs, if my sibling came to me demanding I spend $10k on a new car. I'd want to discuss whether that is the best plan and also, I'd want to have a serious discussion about plans for taking care of aging parents who literally don't even have enough money for a few hundred dollar car payment.

This.

Sounds like the car is the least of their worries.

And why can't a retired couple share a car?

[Anonymous]

Step back for a minute and think of how you will feel not giving your parent the money or car after they are gone. My Dad recently died very unexpectedly at 70. He had lots of money and never asked for anything. Would only get him gifts for occasions like birthdays, holidays. Wish he had needed me for something and I could have given it to him even if it would have stretched me. Wish I had done something more without being asked.

Get the new one and pay your sibling's half too. Bet that will mean more to you than the money in 20 years......

[Anonymous]

That 200k income level with kids is a tricky one. If you don't manage your taxes just right it's "Goodbye child tax credit, hello AMT". You'd be nuts to keep any more in liquid savings than you absolutely need.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused- do your parents provide FT child care to the siblings who are now refusing to help pay for a car? If so, that's incredibly weirdthat they wouldn't be looking to find a safe, eliablesolution. But if it's something less egregious, you need to check yourself OP, because you sound a bit like the out-of-town relative who is insisting that it's myway or the highway.

Btw, how do your siblings propose for your parents to manage without a car?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Wish he had needed me for something and I could have given it to him even if it would have stretched me.

So if you're teaching your kids to be financially responsible and independent, so why not practice what you preach?

[Anonymous]

$10,000 is a lot of money to expect anyone to give up, even if they have it. That is not $10.00, and you cannot actually think that you know all the details of someone else's financial situation.
10 grand, really??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we make $200k and only have a $500k house and could come up with the money easily. But your post is totally rubbing me the wrong way. You really have no idea if they are hugely in debt because of their choices. Maybe they are spenders and truly don't have it. Or perhaps more likely, maybe they think $10,000 is a HUGE expense to have to spend unexpectedly and they're balking because they will have to reevaluate saving or spending goals for the year or because they simply don't want to be forced to pay what is a ton of money by anyone's standards.

I get that you feel strongly that the parents do a lot for you and therefore they should be happy to help, but they said they don't have it and either way, you act like $10k is just a small sacrifice. A little recognition that it's a lot of money would be appreciated I'm sure.

And agree with the PPs - sounds like you have made the decision on what kind of car they should have and when and you just want your sibling to give you the money and butt out. You sound controlling and bossy. Why don't YOU just buy them a car if you think it's so important?

My thoughts exactly!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

And Hyandais have a 100,000 mile warranty, OP. Just FYI.

But anyway, the way you did this was extremely heavy-handed. No wonder it backfired.

Have you discussed this with your parents? Mine live off SS and hell would freeze over before they would take a new car from me. Nor would I injure their pride by trying to force it on them. It would devastate my father.

I won't go to nice restaurants with him because he still won't let us pay. Are you sure you aren't going to hurt them more with the car and that is why your sibling isn't on board?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to think op is the grandparent posing as the child. She thinks people should prioritize buying a new car for their parents over saving for their kids' college??

If "op" wants to help her in laws buy a car,, fine, but no way should she be pressuring others to chip in ten thou. It's not like they are hiring a home health nurse.

This is hilarious. To tell in greater detail, this is actually all my spouses family. And I told my spouse I am happy to pay for entire car ourselves.

Our approach was to email sibling and tell them parents need new car and we are planning to chip in 10k and if they wanted to chip in anything. That's when we got the response that they didn't have the money. We aren't upset and I could care less, but I was just surprised that they didn't have money vs they don't think buying a car is worth it. (Prob one of those little white lies to try to spare feelings)

As for the parents, they live on one parent SS and have to pay out of pocket for medical insurance for the younger one. House paid off. Car was paid off. They will likely refuse money, they are proud and don't want help from us kids.

So posting his really just my curiosity if most folks really don't have that much cash on hand. Needing to buy a new car unexpectedly kind of feels like an appropriate use of emergency fund, but that's just me.

OP, I'm not trying to be nasty, but you clearly do care. All of your posts have been just dripping with judgment for these siblings. You assume they're just being cheap and that they're lying to you about the money, you keep telling us that you pay for daycare expenses and they don't because they accept help from the parents but then aren't willing to do anything in return, you completely write off anyone who suggests that they wouldn't immediately do anything for their parents simply because they're your parents.

Just admit it - you think the siblings are taking advantage of your parent's kindness and you think they should be jumping on the chance to do something in return for all the free childcare and private school tuition they've handed out over the years. If the siblings have been like this for years (that is, relying on your parents for childcare and other assistance and doing nothing in return), then I almost suspect you sort of did this on purpose. You knew they wouldn't happily hand over $10k, and it probably makes you feel even more smug that not only do you pay for your own childcare and value being self-sufficient, but you would also immediately come up with $10k from your own copious savings and feel proud that you can help your aging parents. Believe me, I'm with you on being self-sufficient. It burns me that we pay for all our own expenses while my parents just bought my brother a HOUSE. I get it. But don't come on here and tell us you don't care and you're not judging them for their choices. You clearly are - just own it.

+1

OP here. I will own it, in just that I don't feel they appreciate all the parens do for them.

But the question for this post was really about the availability of funds for upper middle class families, but clearly my latent frustrations have detailed it. But I actually never asked sibling nor suggested it; that discussion happened before I was involved. I am happy to get them a new car on our own ad would not hold any grudges against anyone (for that -- still resent the appearance of lack of appreciation for parents which is separate issue).

As for 6k 2-4 year old car, are you looking at civics or hyundais or something. Like unsaid need reliable (prefer Honda or Toyota ) car that fits 3 car seats. I really don't see a recent vintage for 6-8k, please send a link to kbb or edmunds or wherever this market exists!

I would not buy a used car in less necessary, but nothing wrong with a hyundai or other less expensive car. A new car will come with a warranty. There are plenty of cars that sit three across though you may have to get different car seats. Bottom-line is you want them to tote your kids around in a fancy new expensive car and they cannot afford it. You expect all the siblings to help buy a more expensive car than they need to help care for your kids. Buy the car yourself as a gift for caring for your kids.

OP here. To be clear, I am one offering to pay for the car. The three kids they are toting around belong to the sibling who can't find any money to help with the is the one with three kids and getting the family child care. We live thousand miles away so he help we get from parents is more ad hoc and the car is never involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11:04 here. Also, there's no way I could personally come up with the kind of money you're talking about without liquidating part of my investment portfolio or dipping into my retirement fund. But I'm not anywhere close to your sibling's demographic. That said, if they say they can't afford it, I would leave them alone about it. Even when it's family, it's rude to assume that people can afford things based on what you perceive their financial situation to be. They may have stuff going on that you don't know about because they have chosen not to tell you, and bugging them about is not going to win you any favors.

OP here. Of course I wasn't going to bug siblings about it. It was more my spouse and seeig their justification as surprising or not. Since we spent 3k/month on child care while they don't have to b/c of this same set of parents I figured they must be saving a ton. They don't seem to live very fancy, huge house aside, hence the surprise.

But I guess my perception of what is a lot to give family is outbid sync with most people. People say that an engagement run is two months salary; we are looking at one month salary here after taxes. So not crazy amount but I guess too much for most folks.

But so true, we don't know full situation and of course would not bother sibling with it. Thanks for insight!

OP what world do you live in, do you realize the state of the economy in the last few years?
10 grand is a lot of money and I dare say most folk just cannot fork it over like that...I don't care what you THINK you know about their situation.