Write a check this week for 10k to help your parents?

[Anonymous]

There should have been some kind of agreement.

You can't just walk up to people and ask to give 10K. People don't plan for 10K gifts.

I had a similar situation when my MIL's house started falling apart and we didn't know were financially responsible for it until we were asked to chip in.

This kind of stuff needs to be talked out in advance - we are broke, if the car breaks down it's on you, if the house needs repairs - it's on you, if we have a medical bill - it's on you.

What's the financial situation of your parents that they can't afford a used car. Are they bankrupt?

[Anonymous]

I'm starting to think op is the grandparent posing as the child. She thinks people should prioritize buying a new car for their parents over saving for their kids' college??

If "op" wants to help her in laws buy a car,, fine, but no way should she be pressuring others to chip in ten thou. It's not like they are hiring a home health nurse.

[Anonymous]

We have the same HHI and it would be a struggle to come up with $10 tomorrow. Well, not a struggle in the sense that we have it in a money market, but our savings are thin. It would be 50% of our cash savings (pathetic, I know, compared to most of DCUM).

You come acorss as very firm and no nonsense in your posts - very autocratic, this is the way it has to be. i wonder if you sat down with your sibling and discussed this in a back and forth way. As presented, it seems you have have decided X and X it will be. There is no wiggle room or compromise in your presentation. Maybe your sibling disagrees with your approach.

I understand taking care of parents, particularly parents who have sacrificed for you. But there is more than one way to approach this, and perhaps if you present this in a way to your sibling as here is the problem, what is the solution maybe you can reach an agreement.

Right now, your solution is you give me $10K, and sibling is baling. I think your actual question should be - how should my sibling and I work together to resolve parents problem? Not here is my solution, COMPLY, dammit.

[Anonymous]

Also just read in your subject line "this week" - so basically, you went to your sibling and said "hey, sibling. I want to buy mom and dad a new car and I've decided exactly which one I'm going to buy and what price point I'm comfortable with - can you write me a check for $10k and pop it in the mail tomorrow? K, thanks!"

And you expect your sibling to be like yeah ok, that sounds great! Let me guess - you and the sibling don't get along very well do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:04 here. Also, there's no way I could personally come up with the kind of money you're talking about without liquidating part of my investment portfolio or dipping into my retirement fund. But I'm not anywhere close to your sibling's demographic. That said, if they say they can't afford it, I would leave them alone about it. Even when it's family, it's rude to assume that people can afford things based on what you perceive their financial situation to be. They may have stuff going on that you don't know about because they have chosen not to tell you, and bugging them about is not going to win you any favors.

OP here. Of course I wasn't going to bug siblings about it. It was more my spouse and seeig their justification as surprising or not. Since we spent 3k/month on child care while they don't have to b/c of this same set of parents I figured they must be saving a ton. They don't seem to live very fancy, huge house aside, hence the surprise.

But I guess my perception of what is a lot to give family is outbid sync with most people. People say that an engagement run is two months salary; we are looking at one month salary here after taxes. So not crazy amount but I guess too much for most folks.

But so true, we don't know full situation and of course would not bother sibling with it. Thanks for insight!

[Anonymous]

If parents don't have enough to buy a new car or to finance a car ($200 a month?! they don't have that extra), what are their plans for the future.

I would be wary if I were the other sibling. It sounds like this first 10k is a drop in the bucket compared to what's going to happen later in life when the grandparents need a lot more care/money/support. If the grandparents are this destitute, the two kids and parents need to sit down and work out a life plan for what happens later. Will grandparents move in with one of their children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you're getting it. I'm sure some people could come up with that much and many would be happy to help out parents that have helped them that much. I think the main issue were all reacting to (and maybe you just didn't say the full story) is that you come across like you're strong arming the sibling and not allowing them any room to discuss it. You're like this is the car, give me the money, you cheap bastards. I'd love to hear the sibling's side of this. I agree with PPs, if my sibling came to me demanding I spend $10k on a new car. I'd want to discuss whether that is the best plan and also, I'd want to have a serious discussion about plans for taking care of aging parents who literally don't even have enough money for a few hundred dollar car payment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to think op is the grandparent posing as the child. She thinks people should prioritize buying a new car for their parents over saving for their kids' college??

If "op" wants to help her in laws buy a car,, fine, but no way should she be pressuring others to chip in ten thou. It's not like they are hiring a home health nurse.

This is hilarious. To tell in greater detail, this is actually all my spouses family. And I told my spouse I am happy to pay for entire car ourselves.

Our approach was to email sibling and tell them parents need new car and we are planning to chip in 10k and if they wanted to chip in anything. That's when we got the response that they didn't have the money. We aren't upset and I could care less, but I was just surprised that they didn't have money vs they don't think buying a car is worth it. (Prob one of those little white lies to try to spare feelings)

As for the parents, they live on one parent SS and have to pay out of pocket for medical insurance for the younger one. House paid off. Car was paid off. They will likely refuse money, they are proud and don't want help from us kids.

So posting his really just my curiosity if most folks really don't have that much cash on hand. Needing to buy a new car unexpectedly kind of feels like an appropriate use of emergency fund, but that's just me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not see why you are not going for aused car that is much more affordable at $8-10k and still safe and nice.

At that price point you are getting an almost 6 year old car. Most cars are trouble free for 10, so you are getting 4 years out of 10 for half the money. B/c of Great Recession used cars were bid up big, and now their is a constrained supply of used cars b/c people weren't buying new for several years. Plus rental companies are keeping cars way way longer, further curtailing supply.

http://www.edmunds.com/toyota/camry/2008/?sub=sedan&ps=used

Just like the mantra 'housing prices always go up' don't assume 'always buy used' is a constant truth. Do the math and check facts.

Um obviously you have never bought a used car or have done so from the wrong place. $8-10k will get you a 2-4 year old car. Sorry if you need to buy your a brand new state of the art vehicle but thats just absurd.

I think you need to take your own shitty advice and CHECK YOUR FACTS!

[Anonymous]

I pay $17,800 in daycare expenses a year.

Your parents are awesome caregivers who regularly help you and your sibling raise your children.

I'm going to ignore all of the "self-sufficiency" bs on this board, because these good people are your PARENTS from whom you have always received support. They need a car. You all need the childcare.

Have a talk with sibling. If they are truly living beyond their means, um, that's a problem. If they are simply annoyed at having to pay for the benefit they receive from the grandparents, fuck 'em. They need to cough it up.

[Anonymous]

I would buy a new car so they have less maintenance or out of pocket expenses because of warranty. I recommend a Honda Accord

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At that income all our spare money goes into retirememt and college to preserve tax efficiency. We could (just) swing it out of emergency funds, but it would clean us out of cash. It would take 5-6 months to replenish, and I'd be loathe to do that for a car while financing is still relatively cheap.

OP Here. Agree financing is way to go, especially with current rates. Interesting how lean most households run, I guess most of is are house poor! Surprised college funding takes precedence over supporting parents.

I am neither putting away 10k a month for college nor am I willing to take a penalty to liquidate already sheltered funds. We save about 2k a month, but not in ways that are easily accessible. Tell me "Hey sib', let's give the parents a payment free car in six months", I'd likely be okay with that and start diverting the money into a regular savings account. Tell me you want that much money this week (and it's not for something pressing, like Mexican prison bail) and you're going to get pushback.

[Anonymous]

You are a good person OP.

Will not rehash the used vs. new car debate.

Think about getting the car you want and finance the car. Use some of your $10k as a down payment and then talk with sibling and spouse about funding the monthly payments for the next 4-5 years.

Perhaps they are balking about $10k, but want to help. A monthly payment might be more in line with what everyone can pitch in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I pay $17,800 in daycare expenses a year.

Your parents are awesome caregivers who regularly help you and your sibling raise your children.

I'm going to ignore all of the "self-sufficiency" bs on this board, because these good people are your PARENTS from whom you have always received support. They need a car. You all need the childcare.

Have a talk with sibling. If they are truly living beyond their means, um, that's a problem. If they are simply annoyed at having to pay for the benefit they receive from the grandparents, fuck 'em. They need to cough it up.

LOL! How do you force someone to "cough it up"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11:04 here. Also, there's no way I could personally come up with the kind of money you're talking about without liquidating part of my investment portfolio or dipping into my retirement fund. But I'm not anywhere close to your sibling's demographic. That said, if they say they can't afford it, I would leave them alone about it. Even when it's family, it's rude to assume that people can afford things based on what you perceive their financial situation to be. They may have stuff going on that you don't know about because they have chosen not to tell you, and bugging them about is not going to win you any favors.

OP here. Of course I wasn't going to bug siblings about it. It was more my spouse and seeig their justification as surprising or not. Since we spent 3k/month on child care while they don't have to b/c of this same set of parents I figured they must be saving a ton. They don't seem to live very fancy, huge house aside, hence the surprise.

But I guess my perception of what is a lot to give family is outbid sync with most people. People say that an engagement run is two months salary; we are looking at one month salary here after taxes. So not crazy amount but I guess too much for most folks.

But so true, we don't know full situation and of course would not bother sibling with it. Thanks for insight!

Only an idiot would spend two months' salary on an engagement ring.