Write a check this week for 10k to help your parents?

[Anonymous]

Whether I have the money doesn't affect whether they have the money.. Maybe they have a lot of debt you don't know about, or a drug habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. To be clear, I am one offering to pay for the car.

It reminds of my SIL "offering" to remodel my MIL's house and then asking everyone to put in a few grand.

If you're offering something, you should be paying for it, not asking other people to cover your offerings.

PS Did they even ask for your help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not much savings b/c a) both laid off in their 50s. You know the drill. b) paid private school tuition for their daughters. There life has been giving of themselves for their kids; their house is old and not fancy and their car was ten years old.

Only looking at new cars b/c a) used car prices at historic highs b) used cars will have more maintenance and less reliability, and they are older and often driving grand kids, and so reliability is key and c) bigger car like accord to fit 3 car seats in back.

From these reactions, I guess I am in the minority of giving money to family. But do most people have the availability of the money, or am I wrong there too!

If I were you OP and had the money, then I would gladly hand it over so my parents could get a new car. Everything my parents have done for me in my lifetime adds up well more than $10,000. I am surprised with the reactions too. Sad to think there arent more out there who would help their parents.

Most people don't have 10 grand laying around -- thanks anyway Bill Gates!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to think op is the grandparent posing as the child. She thinks people should prioritize buying a new car for their parents over saving for their kids' college??

If "op" wants to help her in laws buy a car,, fine, but no way should she be pressuring others to chip in ten thou. It's not like they are hiring a home health nurse.

This is hilarious. To tell in greater detail, this is actually all my spouses family. And I told my spouse I am happy to pay for entire car ourselves.

Our approach was to email sibling and tell them parents need new car and we are planning to chip in 10k and if they wanted to chip in anything. That's when we got the response that they didn't have the money. We aren't upset and I could care less, but I was just surprised that they didn't have money vs they don't think buying a car is worth it. (Prob one of those little white lies to try to spare feelings)

As for the parents, they live on one parent SS and have to pay out of pocket for medical insurance for the younger one. House paid off. Car was paid off. They will likely refuse money, they are proud and don't want help from us kids.

So posting his really just my curiosity if most folks really don't have that much cash on hand. Needing to buy a new car unexpectedly kind of feels like an appropriate use of emergency fund, but that's just me.

OP, I'm not trying to be nasty, but you clearly do care. All of your posts have been just dripping with judgment for these siblings. You assume they're just being cheap and that they're lying to you about the money, you keep telling us that you pay for daycare expenses and they don't because they accept help from the parents but then aren't willing to do anything in return, you completely write off anyone who suggests that they wouldn't immediately do anything for their parents simply because they're your parents.

Just admit it - you think the siblings are taking advantage of your parent's kindness and you think they should be jumping on the chance to do something in return for all the free childcare and private school tuition they've handed out over the years. If the siblings have been like this for years (that is, relying on your parents for childcare and other assistance and doing nothing in return), then I almost suspect you sort of did this on purpose. You knew they wouldn't happily hand over $10k, and it probably makes you feel even more smug that not only do you pay for your own childcare and value being self-sufficient, but you would also immediately come up with $10k from your own copious savings and feel proud that you can help your aging parents. Believe me, I'm with you on being self-sufficient. It burns me that we pay for all our own expenses while my parents just bought my brother a HOUSE. I get it. But don't come on here and tell us you don't care and you're not judging them for their choices. You clearly are - just own it.

+1

OP here. I will own it, in just that I don't feel they appreciate all the parens do for them.

But the question for this post was really about the availability of funds for upper middle class families, but clearly my latent frustrations have detailed it. But I actually never asked sibling nor suggested it; that discussion happened before I was involved. I am happy to get them a new car on our own ad would not hold any grudges against anyone (for that -- still resent the appearance of lack of appreciation for parents which is separate issue).

As for 6k 2-4 year old car, are you looking at civics or hyundais or something. Like unsaid need reliable (prefer Honda or Toyota ) car that fits 3 car seats. I really don't see a recent vintage for 6-8k, please send a link to kbb or edmunds or wherever this market exists!

Thanks for admitting it. Listen, I hear that you value saving like crazy, can't imagine anyone with their income not saving, can't imagine "taking advantage" of your parents the way they're doing. Seriously, you should be proud that you guys are self-sufficient - that you have college funds and plenty of emergency money. But also that you have a husband that makes enough for two people so that you can stay home - meaning you don't have the stress of dealing with childcare and you presumably (I'm generalizing here) have more time at home to handle home stuff, such as prioritizing saving. Be happy that you have what you have and that you're able to live up to your values.

But admit that a lot of it is luck too - luck that you have a husband that makes enough money, luck that you have an organized personality, luck that you and your husband both value saving and that neither of you is spend-crazy. You have no idea what is truly going on in the lives of the sibling or the sibling's spouse. Maybe the sibling's spouse didn't have parents that paid for their college, so they're still paying off thousands in student loans. Or the sibling values saving just like you do, but the sibling's spouse can't manage money to save her life. Maybe they value a big house and fancy stuff over saving, which is completely their prerogative. Maybe your parents LOVE taking care of the kids and love that they are being made to feel useful since they got laid off from their jobs unceremoniously. I guess just admit that you have no right to judge them. Live your life the way you think life should be lived and lay off people who live differently. I think you'll be happier not spending time judging and gossiping about them too. Just some thoughts from someone who's been there with a sibling.

OP here. We are both working parents, full time WOH. We don't own a house and are crammed 4 people in a two bed condo. We pay crazy money for full time child care. We are comfortable and 10k is a lot of money to us, but we value our parents and their comfort.

The parents do enjoy taking care of kids, but recent health problems indicate it is putting significant strain on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the same HHI and it would be a struggle to come up with $10 tomorrow. Well, not a struggle in the sense that we have it in a money market, but our savings are thin. It would be 50% of our cash savings (pathetic, I know, compared to most of DCUM).

You come acorss as very firm and no nonsense in your posts - very autocratic, this is the way it has to be. i wonder if you sat down with your sibling and discussed this in a back and forth way. As presented, it seems you have have decided X and X it will be. There is no wiggle room or compromise in your presentation. Maybe your sibling disagrees with your approach.

I understand taking care of parents, particularly parents who have sacrificed for you. But there is more than one way to approach this, and perhaps if you present this in a way to your sibling as here is the problem, what is the solution maybe you can reach an agreement.

Right now, your solution is you give me $10K, and sibling is baling. I think your actual question should be - how should my sibling and I work together to resolve parents problem? Not here is my solution, COMPLY, dammit.

I don't get having that kind of income and not saving. We have that income on one salary and I SAH. We save, have a college fund started and have plenty of emergency money where if we needed to, could come up with that kind of money. If my parents were providing daily child care, I would not think twice about putting that kind of money up for them to have a new car so they can enjoy it. Something is off if you are struggling with money on that kind of income.

How do you know something is off? Are you living their life -- you have NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THAT FAMILY AND ARE JUST DUMBER THAN A BOX OF ROCKS TO THINK YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF PSYCHIC INSIGHT INTO THEIR SITUATION

[Anonymous]

This doesn't apply to OP's post, but more to some of the responses.

It is tiring to hear people go on and on about how poor they are on $200k+ in this area. I understand medical debt and student debt. But if you are that strapped, move further out, cut the private school, don't vacation for a couple of years.
The incessant whining is ridiculous. Guess what -adulthood comes with expenses, many of which are based on choices you make.

[Anonymous]

I could write that check. We have a similar HHI though a house that costs half that and we do have childcare expenses. Whether I would or not is another question.

For my parents, sure. For my ILs? Less likely because it would mean they pissed away the bazillion dollars they have and buying them a new car wouldn't begin to touch the problems they would have at that point.

[Anonymous]

If I were you OP and had the money, then I would gladly hand it over so my parents could get a new car. Everything my parents have done for me in my lifetime adds up well more than $10,000. I am surprised with the reactions too. Sad to think there arent more out there who would help their parents.

Said by someone who clearly has never actually faced the issue of parents with ongoing financial problems.

Face it, unless you are truly wealthy - to the point where dropping $10K here and there doesn't make any different to you - this is about choices. The $10K you spend on your parents' new car is $10K you are not spending on summer camp for your kids, etc.

My parents have been in a precarious financial situation on and off since I was in high school. As soon as I had my own income, my parents have asked me for help. For about a decade, I did help - a few thousand here, a few thousand there. My parents did not do a good job of self-help. They continued many of the behaviors that led to the precarious financial situation in the first place. After the birth of my older daughter, this situation came to a head. My parents had continued their living-on-the-edge ways, and called to ask me to give them money so that they could travel to an out-of-town family wedding and buy a wedding present. They really pulled on the heart strings - they had saved some money to pay for my mother's knee replacement and told me that unless I gave them the money, my mother would have to put off her surgery another year because they would use that money to go to the family wedding. With some prompting/pushing from DH, I drew the line. I did not give the money. They didn't speak to me for ages.

In the intervening years, they have grown up somewhat with their finances. They still live very close to the financial edge and I know there will be a day when I face a choice of helping them financially again, likely in a major $$$ way. I am glad though that I cut off the money spigot. Sometimes parents need tough love too.

BTW, I have a sibling. When my parents were in really bad shape as he was in college, just graduating, I helped him out with money too. He has never contributed one cent to my parents financially, nor has he helped with sweat equity. I don't count on him ever contributing, either. My parents have never asked him for anything. He earns a lot less than I do, but has no children.

I think people out there who have never dealt with this situation are really quick to judge. You're not cold-hearted just because you're not prepared to hand over 10K on demand to your parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have no right to be annoyed with how anyone else spends their money. If you want to give 10k, great. If you want to give 20k, just do it. But don't expect your sibling to agree to your cockamamy scheme to give your parents a huge sum of cash for something that depreciates in value rapidly and will need to be repaired/replaced eventually. I hope you haven't pressured your sibling or asked them. You have no idea what their financial life is or what their goals and priorities are.

[Anonymous]

If my parents (or inlaws) paid for school for me (or my spouse) and provided reliable every day child care I would feel like a D-bag if they had to rent a car to come provide free child care for my kids. 10k is a lot out of the blue, but it is a pittance compared to day care or a nanny for 3 kids, which is over 30k/year at the low end. If the others don't have the cash, maybe you do the down payment and they handle the monthly payments. I'd they can't swing that, maybe the grandparents have to stop driving. I can find 200/month for a car a lot easier than 3000/month for new child care.

[Anonymous]

Most people don't have 10 grand laying around -- thanks anyway Bill Gates!

This. I am amazed that the average DCUM poster is so completely out of touch with the way 99.9% of America lives. My DH makes about 160,000 and we aren't living in D.C. right now so cost of living is way lower. I work part-time. Even with that, we have debt, kids in college, medical expenses,..... You might as well ask me for a million dollars. I'm sure people think we have extra money, but we just don't.

Example- my A/C is on its last leg. We desperately need a new one. But we don't have $6,000 right now. We probably couldn't finance because of our debt. We are scrapping together every penny we have right now to save for it.

Payday is Monday. We have groceries and gas in the car. All our bills are paid. We have 142.00 to last till Monday. No one will starve, but there is almost no wiggle room in our budget.

That said, we are contributing to our retirement accounts and slowly paying down debt, so we are better off than a lot if people. But the only way I could come up with $10,000 would be to sell my own car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the same HHI and it would be a struggle to come up with $10 tomorrow. Well, not a struggle in the sense that we have it in a money market, but our savings are thin. It would be 50% of our cash savings (pathetic, I know, compared to most of DCUM).

You come acorss as very firm and no nonsense in your posts - very autocratic, this is the way it has to be. i wonder if you sat down with your sibling and discussed this in a back and forth way. As presented, it seems you have have decided X and X it will be. There is no wiggle room or compromise in your presentation. Maybe your sibling disagrees with your approach.

I understand taking care of parents, particularly parents who have sacrificed for you. But there is more than one way to approach this, and perhaps if you present this in a way to your sibling as here is the problem, what is the solution maybe you can reach an agreement.

Right now, your solution is you give me $10K, and sibling is baling. I think your actual question should be - how should my sibling and I work together to resolve parents problem? Not here is my solution, COMPLY, dammit.

I don't get having that kind of income and not saving. We have that income on one salary and I SAH. We save, have a college fund started and have plenty of emergency money where if we needed to, could come up with that kind of money. If my parents were providing daily child care, I would not think twice about putting that kind of money up for them to have a new car so they can enjoy it. Something is off if you are struggling with money on that kind of income.

How do you know something is off? Are you living their life -- you have NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THAT FAMILY AND ARE JUST DUMBER THAN A BOX OF ROCKS TO THINK YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF PSYCHIC INSIGHT INTO THEIR SITUATION

This is actually kind of funny to me, I'm the PP who started this sub-thread. I completely agree we are not doing as well as we should be doing. We have $25K in money market and cash savings. So, technically, yes, i could write a check for $10K today. But it would make me nervous to cut my cash savings in half at the snap of a finger. Why? Well, just last week we had $3500 more but had a significant, unexpected expense hit. We sock away a lot of money into retirement (so it's not available to us), and we sock away another large chunk into college savings (so it's also not available to us without penalty, nor quickly). Child care is still sucking up too much money, but separate from child care, retirement, and college savings we save about $1000/month. No debt besides house, and our mortgage is not that high. We've had some house expenses recently, too, but really what has happened was an extended period of unemployment - essentially we're still building our funds back up after a year + of unemployment. We're doing ok, and I don't come on here and cry poor. Never said I was struggling. I did say struggle in my first sentence but then qualified it. I would still resist writing a check for $10K based on one conversation about need for new car. There are additional solutions here that haven't been thoroughly discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't apply to OP's post, but more to some of the responses.

It is tiring to hear people go on and on about how poor they are on $200k+ in this area. I understand medical debt and student debt. But if you are that strapped, move further out, cut the private school, don't vacation for a couple of years.
The incessant whining is ridiculous. Guess what -adulthood comes with expenses, many of which are based on choices you make.

Find me a post on here where someone was going "on and on" about how "poor" they are on $200k, cause I didn't see it. People with this salary were saying that handing out $10k within a week to something over which they had no input would not be happening. That's hardly constituting whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my parents (or inlaws) paid for school for me (or my spouse) and provided reliable every day child care I would feel like a D-bag if they had to rent a car to come provide free child care for my kids. 10k is a lot out of the blue, but it is a pittance compared to day care or a nanny for 3 kids, which is over 30k/year at the low end. If the others don't have the cash, maybe you do the down payment and they handle the monthly payments. I'd they can't swing that, maybe the grandparents have to stop driving. I can find 200/month for a car a lot easier than 3000/month for new child care.

Yup, that's how I feel, too. If the freeloaders can't hack helping out with transport costs to get their FREE childcare to work, maybe it's time to downsize and live within their means.

If I were the grandparents, I think I would say I can no longer do the care and have to look after my own interests with a paid position.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure you could go to Carmax and find lots of decent, reliable cars for 10k. Do they really need to fit 3 carseats across the back or is it 2 seats and a booster?