Write a check this week for 10k to help your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to think op is the grandparent posing as the child. She thinks people should prioritize buying a new car for their parents over saving for their kids' college??

If "op" wants to help her in laws buy a car,, fine, but no way should she be pressuring others to chip in ten thou. It's not like they are hiring a home health nurse.

This is hilarious. To tell in greater detail, this is actually all my spouses family. And I told my spouse I am happy to pay for entire car ourselves.

Our approach was to email sibling and tell them parents need new car and we are planning to chip in 10k and if they wanted to chip in anything. That's when we got the response that they didn't have the money. We aren't upset and I could care less, but I was just surprised that they didn't have money vs they don't think buying a car is worth it. (Prob one of those little white lies to try to spare feelings)

As for the parents, they live on one parent SS and have to pay out of pocket for medical insurance for the younger one. House paid off. Car was paid off. They will likely refuse money, they are proud and don't want help from us kids.

So posting his really just my curiosity if most folks really don't have that much cash on hand. Needing to buy a new car unexpectedly kind of feels like an appropriate use of emergency fund, but that's just me.

OP, I'm not trying to be nasty, but you clearly do care. All of your posts have been just dripping with judgment for these siblings. You assume they're just being cheap and that they're lying to you about the money, you keep telling us that you pay for daycare expenses and they don't because they accept help from the parents but then aren't willing to do anything in return, you completely write off anyone who suggests that they wouldn't immediately do anything for their parents simply because they're your parents.

Just admit it - you think the siblings are taking advantage of your parent's kindness and you think they should be jumping on the chance to do something in return for all the free childcare and private school tuition they've handed out over the years. If the siblings have been like this for years (that is, relying on your parents for childcare and other assistance and doing nothing in return), then I almost suspect you sort of did this on purpose. You knew they wouldn't happily hand over $10k, and it probably makes you feel even more smug that not only do you pay for your own childcare and value being self-sufficient, but you would also immediately come up with $10k from your own copious savings and feel proud that you can help your aging parents. Believe me, I'm with you on being self-sufficient. It burns me that we pay for all our own expenses while my parents just bought my brother a HOUSE. I get it. But don't come on here and tell us you don't care and you're not judging them for their choices. You clearly are - just own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11:04 here. Also, there's no way I could personally come up with the kind of money you're talking about without liquidating part of my investment portfolio or dipping into my retirement fund. But I'm not anywhere close to your sibling's demographic. That said, if they say they can't afford it, I would leave them alone about it. Even when it's family, it's rude to assume that people can afford things based on what you perceive their financial situation to be. They may have stuff going on that you don't know about because they have chosen not to tell you, and bugging them about is not going to win you any favors.

OP here. Of course I wasn't going to bug siblings about it. It was more my spouse and seeig their justification as surprising or not. Since we spent 3k/month on child care while they don't have to b/c of this same set of parents I figured they must be saving a ton. They don't seem to live very fancy, huge house aside, hence the surprise.

But I guess my perception of what is a lot to give family is outbid sync with most people. People say that an engagement run is two months salary; we are looking at one month salary here after taxes. So not crazy amount but I guess too much for most folks.

But so true, we don't know full situation and of course would not bother sibling with it. Thanks for insight!

Only an idiot would spend two months' salary on an engagement ring.

Signed a prenup ay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11:04 here. Also, there's no way I could personally come up with the kind of money you're talking about without liquidating part of my investment portfolio or dipping into my retirement fund. But I'm not anywhere close to your sibling's demographic. That said, if they say they can't afford it, I would leave them alone about it. Even when it's family, it's rude to assume that people can afford things based on what you perceive their financial situation to be. They may have stuff going on that you don't know about because they have chosen not to tell you, and bugging them about is not going to win you any favors.

OP here. Of course I wasn't going to bug siblings about it. It was more my spouse and seeig their justification as surprising or not. Since we spent 3k/month on child care while they don't have to b/c of this same set of parents I figured they must be saving a ton. They don't seem to live very fancy, huge house aside, hence the surprise.

But I guess my perception of what is a lot to give family is outbid sync with most people. People say that an engagement run is two months salary; we are looking at one month salary here after taxes. So not crazy amount but I guess too much for most folks.

But so true, we don't know full situation and of course would not bother sibling with it. Thanks for insight!

Only an idiot would spend two months' salary on an engagement ring.

+1

[Anonymous]

Just because I accept child care from parents or in-laws doesn't automatically mean that I accept that I'll have to pay for that later.

If I wanted to pay for child care I'd send the kids to daycare, not to parents.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is fair if parents have to rent a car to drive far to provide free child care.

I don't think sibling should feel any obligation to provide 10K however I also don't think parents should be obligated to provide free child care.

Parents should just say that without a car right now they can't offer childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you're getting it. I'm sure some people could come up with that much and many would be happy to help out parents that have helped them that much. I think the main issue were all reacting to (and maybe you just didn't say the full story) is that you come across like you're strong arming the sibling and not allowing them any room to discuss it. You're like this is the car, give me the money, you cheap bastards. I'd love to hear the sibling's side of this. I agree with PPs, if my sibling came to me demanding I spend $10k on a new car. I'd want to discuss whether that is the best plan and also, I'd want to have a serious discussion about plans for taking care of aging parents who literally don't even have enough money for a few hundred dollar car payment.

Yes we need to have talk with parents about long term plans. But they refuse. From conversation heir expectation is that they will not live that long so aren't worried about it. A lot of old people seems to do this. Have tried talking about care and finance plans with sibling and parents, but sibling is evasive (never answers emails changes subject) and parents in denial.

That is a bigger issue, but I was just curious about one of events like this that don't and haven't happened often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have the same HHI and it would be a struggle to come up with $10 tomorrow. Well, not a struggle in the sense that we have it in a money market, but our savings are thin. It would be 50% of our cash savings (pathetic, I know, compared to most of DCUM).

You come acorss as very firm and no nonsense in your posts - very autocratic, this is the way it has to be. i wonder if you sat down with your sibling and discussed this in a back and forth way. As presented, it seems you have have decided X and X it will be. There is no wiggle room or compromise in your presentation. Maybe your sibling disagrees with your approach.

I understand taking care of parents, particularly parents who have sacrificed for you. But there is more than one way to approach this, and perhaps if you present this in a way to your sibling as here is the problem, what is the solution maybe you can reach an agreement.

Right now, your solution is you give me $10K, and sibling is baling. I think your actual question should be - how should my sibling and I work together to resolve parents problem? Not here is my solution, COMPLY, dammit.

I don't get having that kind of income and not saving. We have that income on one salary and I SAH. We save, have a college fund started and have plenty of emergency money where if we needed to, could come up with that kind of money. If my parents were providing daily child care, I would not think twice about putting that kind of money up for them to have a new car so they can enjoy it. Something is off if you are struggling with money on that kind of income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to think op is the grandparent posing as the child. She thinks people should prioritize buying a new car for their parents over saving for their kids' college??

If "op" wants to help her in laws buy a car,, fine, but no way should she be pressuring others to chip in ten thou. It's not like they are hiring a home health nurse.

This is hilarious. To tell in greater detail, this is actually all my spouses family. And I told my spouse I am happy to pay for entire car ourselves.

Our approach was to email sibling and tell them parents need new car and we are planning to chip in 10k and if they wanted to chip in anything. That's when we got the response that they didn't have the money. We aren't upset and I could care less, but I was just surprised that they didn't have money vs they don't think buying a car is worth it. (Prob one of those little white lies to try to spare feelings)

As for the parents, they live on one parent SS and have to pay out of pocket for medical insurance for the younger one. House paid off. Car was paid off. They will likely refuse money, they are proud and don't want help from us kids.

So posting his really just my curiosity if most folks really don't have that much cash on hand. Needing to buy a new car unexpectedly kind of feels like an appropriate use of emergency fund, but that's just me.

OP, I'm not trying to be nasty, but you clearly do care. All of your posts have been just dripping with judgment for these siblings. You assume they're just being cheap and that they're lying to you about the money, you keep telling us that you pay for daycare expenses and they don't because they accept help from the parents but then aren't willing to do anything in return, you completely write off anyone who suggests that they wouldn't immediately do anything for their parents simply because they're your parents.

Just admit it - you think the siblings are taking advantage of your parent's kindness and you think they should be jumping on the chance to do something in return for all the free childcare and private school tuition they've handed out over the years. If the siblings have been like this for years (that is, relying on your parents for childcare and other assistance and doing nothing in return), then I almost suspect you sort of did this on purpose. You knew they wouldn't happily hand over $10k, and it probably makes you feel even more smug that not only do you pay for your own childcare and value being self-sufficient, but you would also immediately come up with $10k from your own copious savings and feel proud that you can help your aging parents. Believe me, I'm with you on being self-sufficient. It burns me that we pay for all our own expenses while my parents just bought my brother a HOUSE. I get it. But don't come on here and tell us you don't care and you're not judging them for their choices. You clearly are - just own it.

+1

OP here. I will own it, in just that I don't feel they appreciate all the parens do for them.

But the question for this post was really about the availability of funds for upper middle class families, but clearly my latent frustrations have detailed it. But I actually never asked sibling nor suggested it; that discussion happened before I was involved. I am happy to get them a new car on our own ad would not hold any grudges against anyone (for that -- still resent the appearance of lack of appreciation for parents which is separate issue).

As for 6k 2-4 year old car, are you looking at civics or hyundais or something. Like unsaid need reliable (prefer Honda or Toyota ) car that fits 3 car seats. I really don't see a recent vintage for 6-8k, please send a link to kbb or edmunds or wherever this market exists!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes we need to have talk with parents about long term plans. But they refuse. From conversation heir expectation is that they will not live that long so aren't worried about it.

And yet, they may live very long and these issues need to be discussed.


My MIL is buying an iPod, but says she can't afford to make her $500/year home insurance payment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes we need to have talk with parents about long term plans. But they refuse. From conversation heir expectation is that they will not live that long so aren't worried about it.

And yet, they may live very long and these issues need to be discussed.


My MIL is buying an iPod, but says she can't afford to make her $500/year home insurance payment.

Well she could be getting the shuffle for $50 and using it to drown out the phone calls from debt collectors.

Afraid with adults it is very hard to compel them to do the right thing, whether to plan, save, or support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to think op is the grandparent posing as the child. She thinks people should prioritize buying a new car for their parents over saving for their kids' college??

If "op" wants to help her in laws buy a car,, fine, but no way should she be pressuring others to chip in ten thou. It's not like they are hiring a home health nurse.

This is hilarious. To tell in greater detail, this is actually all my spouses family. And I told my spouse I am happy to pay for entire car ourselves.

Our approach was to email sibling and tell them parents need new car and we are planning to chip in 10k and if they wanted to chip in anything. That's when we got the response that they didn't have the money. We aren't upset and I could care less, but I was just surprised that they didn't have money vs they don't think buying a car is worth it. (Prob one of those little white lies to try to spare feelings)

As for the parents, they live on one parent SS and have to pay out of pocket for medical insurance for the younger one. House paid off. Car was paid off. They will likely refuse money, they are proud and don't want help from us kids.

So posting his really just my curiosity if most folks really don't have that much cash on hand. Needing to buy a new car unexpectedly kind of feels like an appropriate use of emergency fund, but that's just me.

OP, I'm not trying to be nasty, but you clearly do care. All of your posts have been just dripping with judgment for these siblings. You assume they're just being cheap and that they're lying to you about the money, you keep telling us that you pay for daycare expenses and they don't because they accept help from the parents but then aren't willing to do anything in return, you completely write off anyone who suggests that they wouldn't immediately do anything for their parents simply because they're your parents.

Just admit it - you think the siblings are taking advantage of your parent's kindness and you think they should be jumping on the chance to do something in return for all the free childcare and private school tuition they've handed out over the years. If the siblings have been like this for years (that is, relying on your parents for childcare and other assistance and doing nothing in return), then I almost suspect you sort of did this on purpose. You knew they wouldn't happily hand over $10k, and it probably makes you feel even more smug that not only do you pay for your own childcare and value being self-sufficient, but you would also immediately come up with $10k from your own copious savings and feel proud that you can help your aging parents. Believe me, I'm with you on being self-sufficient. It burns me that we pay for all our own expenses while my parents just bought my brother a HOUSE. I get it. But don't come on here and tell us you don't care and you're not judging them for their choices. You clearly are - just own it.

+1

OP here. I will own it, in just that I don't feel they appreciate all the parens do for them.

But the question for this post was really about the availability of funds for upper middle class families, but clearly my latent frustrations have detailed it. But I actually never asked sibling nor suggested it; that discussion happened before I was involved. I am happy to get them a new car on our own ad would not hold any grudges against anyone (for that -- still resent the appearance of lack of appreciation for parents which is separate issue).

As for 6k 2-4 year old car, are you looking at civics or hyundais or something. Like unsaid need reliable (prefer Honda or Toyota ) car that fits 3 car seats. I really don't see a recent vintage for 6-8k, please send a link to kbb or edmunds or wherever this market exists!

I would not buy a used car in less necessary, but nothing wrong with a hyundai or other less expensive car. A new car will come with a warranty. There are plenty of cars that sit three across though you may have to get different car seats. Bottom-line is you want them to tote your kids around in a fancy new expensive car and they cannot afford it. You expect all the siblings to help buy a more expensive car than they need to help care for your kids. Buy the car yourself as a gift for caring for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to think op is the grandparent posing as the child. She thinks people should prioritize buying a new car for their parents over saving for their kids' college??

If "op" wants to help her in laws buy a car,, fine, but no way should she be pressuring others to chip in ten thou. It's not like they are hiring a home health nurse.

This is hilarious. To tell in greater detail, this is actually all my spouses family. And I told my spouse I am happy to pay for entire car ourselves.

Our approach was to email sibling and tell them parents need new car and we are planning to chip in 10k and if they wanted to chip in anything. That's when we got the response that they didn't have the money. We aren't upset and I could care less, but I was just surprised that they didn't have money vs they don't think buying a car is worth it. (Prob one of those little white lies to try to spare feelings)

As for the parents, they live on one parent SS and have to pay out of pocket for medical insurance for the younger one. House paid off. Car was paid off. They will likely refuse money, they are proud and don't want help from us kids.

So posting his really just my curiosity if most folks really don't have that much cash on hand. Needing to buy a new car unexpectedly kind of feels like an appropriate use of emergency fund, but that's just me.

OP, I'm not trying to be nasty, but you clearly do care. All of your posts have been just dripping with judgment for these siblings. You assume they're just being cheap and that they're lying to you about the money, you keep telling us that you pay for daycare expenses and they don't because they accept help from the parents but then aren't willing to do anything in return, you completely write off anyone who suggests that they wouldn't immediately do anything for their parents simply because they're your parents.

Just admit it - you think the siblings are taking advantage of your parent's kindness and you think they should be jumping on the chance to do something in return for all the free childcare and private school tuition they've handed out over the years. If the siblings have been like this for years (that is, relying on your parents for childcare and other assistance and doing nothing in return), then I almost suspect you sort of did this on purpose. You knew they wouldn't happily hand over $10k, and it probably makes you feel even more smug that not only do you pay for your own childcare and value being self-sufficient, but you would also immediately come up with $10k from your own copious savings and feel proud that you can help your aging parents. Believe me, I'm with you on being self-sufficient. It burns me that we pay for all our own expenses while my parents just bought my brother a HOUSE. I get it. But don't come on here and tell us you don't care and you're not judging them for their choices. You clearly are - just own it.

+1

OP here. I will own it, in just that I don't feel they appreciate all the parens do for them.

But the question for this post was really about the availability of funds for upper middle class families, but clearly my latent frustrations have detailed it. But I actually never asked sibling nor suggested it; that discussion happened before I was involved. I am happy to get them a new car on our own ad would not hold any grudges against anyone (for that -- still resent the appearance of lack of appreciation for parents which is separate issue).

As for 6k 2-4 year old car, are you looking at civics or hyundais or something. Like unsaid need reliable (prefer Honda or Toyota ) car that fits 3 car seats. I really don't see a recent vintage for 6-8k, please send a link to kbb or edmunds or wherever this market exists!

Thanks for admitting it. Listen, I hear that you value saving like crazy, can't imagine anyone with their income not saving, can't imagine "taking advantage" of your parents the way they're doing. Seriously, you should be proud that you guys are self-sufficient - that you have college funds and plenty of emergency money. But also that you have a husband that makes enough for two people so that you can stay home - meaning you don't have the stress of dealing with childcare and you presumably (I'm generalizing here) have more time at home to handle home stuff, such as prioritizing saving. Be happy that you have what you have and that you're able to live up to your values.

But admit that a lot of it is luck too - luck that you have a husband that makes enough money, luck that you have an organized personality, luck that you and your husband both value saving and that neither of you is spend-crazy. You have no idea what is truly going on in the lives of the sibling or the sibling's spouse. Maybe the sibling's spouse didn't have parents that paid for their college, so they're still paying off thousands in student loans. Or the sibling values saving just like you do, but the sibling's spouse can't manage money to save her life. Maybe they value a big house and fancy stuff over saving, which is completely their prerogative. Maybe your parents LOVE taking care of the kids and love that they are being made to feel useful since they got laid off from their jobs unceremoniously. I guess just admit that you have no right to judge them. Live your life the way you think life should be lived and lay off people who live differently. I think you'll be happier not spending time judging and gossiping about them too. Just some thoughts from someone who's been there with a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes we need to have talk with parents about long term plans. But they refuse. From conversation heir expectation is that they will not live that long so aren't worried about it.

And yet, they may live very long and these issues need to be discussed.


My MIL is buying an iPod, but says she can't afford to make her $500/year home insurance payment.

And even more reason not to hand them $10k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because I accept child care from parents or in-laws doesn't automatically mean that I accept that I'll have to pay for that later.

If I wanted to pay for child care I'd send the kids to daycare, not to parents.

Or, maybe you should not have had kids if you don't want to be responsible for their care. Family helps each other out. They help you with child care and you help them with other necessities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes we need to have talk with parents about long term plans. But they refuse. From conversation heir expectation is that they will not live that long so aren't worried about it.

And yet, they may live very long and these issues need to be discussed.


My MIL is buying an iPod, but says she can't afford to make her $500/year home insurance payment.

And even more reason not to hand them $10k.

Actually, she should give them $10,500 to make the insurance payment too.