Write a check this week for 10k to help your parents?

[Anonymous]

Ask sibling how she will expect gparents to continue to provide free child care w/o a car.

[Anonymous]

Does sibling have student loan debt? Just because HHI is high doesn't mean they don't have an extra mortgage payment there. Their million dollar home may need a new roof, new windows, other repairs that are wiping them out. Also, are you comparing medical coverage costs? Ours are VERY HIGH- about 15% pretax and that gets us a high deductible account for a young, healthy family. Just because they live in an expensive home doesn't necessarily mean they have millions in their rainy day fund.

If you are going to give the gift, you have to give it with no strings attached- otherwise you are going to start keeping track of how many hours in-law's watch kids, translated into dollars translated into your 'fair share'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a situation where one of our parents need to get a new car unexpectedly and due to no fault on their own. Basic Camry or Accord looks around 20k, so siblings each putting in 10k to help out parents. And these are amazing grandparents, they help with kids, stayed home to care for them with babies, etc.

We happen to have 10k available in checking b/c we are house hunting so keep cash on had for that. But other sibling is balking, saying that they don't have 10k available to help grandparents. My spouse and I are a little at odds over if this a legitimate issue or if they are perhaps holding back.

So here's the demographic and let us know if most folks could put together 10k in short order.
1) HHI 200k+
2) Home value $1m, bought 2001 and with help from their millionaire in-laws for DP
3) 3 kids, but no child are expenses b/c of family help (including grandparents who need the money for car)

So, I feel that most folks who fit this mold could put together check for 1% of their home value without much issue. My spouse thinks this is a lot lot of money and most folks couldn't swing it. I am not bothered by the siblings response; suspect their is some family dynamic there between husband and wife that complicates things, maybe all money tied up in long term investments, who knows.

I could afford it but I would not do it. The parents can buy themselves a car THEY CAN AFFORD.

[Anonymous]

Your parents need to be more self sufficient.

[Anonymous]

How old are your cars, OP? Consider giving one of your cars to your parents and then getting a new car, with financing if necessary. We have done this in the past with our oldest vehicle when someone in the family needs a car. Since we keep our vehicles well-maintained, we don't worry about the safety and past upkeep.

[Anonymous]

I would give them as much as you can afford to give them, and let them decide if they want to accept it - don't ask how they are going to use it. They can decide if they want new, used, leased, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give them as much as you can afford to give them, and let them decide if they want to accept it - don't ask how they are going to use it. They can decide if they want new, used, leased, etc.

oh, and DON"T ask for them to pay you back. I mean for God's sake they put you in private school - and they help with grandkids? Stop being a selfish cheapo! These are your parents! Give til it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would give them as much as you can afford to give them, and let them decide if they want to accept it - don't ask how they are going to use it. They can decide if they want new, used, leased, etc.

oh, and DON"T ask for them to pay you back. I mean for God's sake they put you in private school - and they help with grandkids? Stop being a selfish cheapo! These are your parents! Give til it hurts.

How do you even begin to think she's a selfish cheapo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they don't have it then they don't have it, what are you going to do about it? It doesn't seem like they are on board at all and you can't make assumptions about their cash flow based on what you think they are worth and what their house is worth. This is a meaningless post.

+1 It's great that you are willing and able to give $10k to your parents. But it is ridiculous that you (1) expect other people to simply write a $10k check and (2) feel you somehow are in a position to judge their finances.

It's none of your business what their financial situation is. And frankly, if they don't want to shell out $10k, that is their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they don't have it then they don't have it, what are you going to do about it? It doesn't seem like they are on board at all and you can't make assumptions about their cash flow based on what you think they are worth and what their house is worth. This is a meaningless post.

Hmmm, so equitable support of aging parents between siblings is a meaningless topic? I would feel very put out if my sister didn't help out as our parents aged and needed support, whatever the form. They could offer to chip in over time, if the big check is unavailable now, I think?

I don't think that it is a given that children are supposed to financially support their aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I pay $17,800 in daycare expenses a year.

Your parents are awesome caregivers who regularly help you and your sibling raise your children.

I'm going to ignore all of the "self-sufficiency" bs on this board, because these good people are your PARENTS from whom you have always received support. They need a car. You all need the childcare.

Have a talk with sibling. If they are truly living beyond their means, um, that's a problem. If they are simply annoyed at having to pay for the benefit they receive from the grandparents, fuck 'em. They need to cough it up.

Really? You can't force people to give their parents $10k.

I would caution OP. It's possible OP doesn't know what the babysitting arrangement is with the parents. It's possible the sibling has given the aging parents money in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11:04 here. Also, there's no way I could personally come up with the kind of money you're talking about without liquidating part of my investment portfolio or dipping into my retirement fund. But I'm not anywhere close to your sibling's demographic. That said, if they say they can't afford it, I would leave them alone about it. Even when it's family, it's rude to assume that people can afford things based on what you perceive their financial situation to be. They may have stuff going on that you don't know about because they have chosen not to tell you, and bugging them about is not going to win you any favors.

OP here. Of course I wasn't going to bug siblings about it. It was more my spouse and seeig their justification as surprising or not. Since we spent 3k/month on child care while they don't have to b/c of this same set of parents I figured they must be saving a ton. They don't seem to live very fancy, huge house aside, hence the surprise.

But I guess my perception of what is a lot to give family is outbid sync with most people. People say that an engagement run is two months salary; we are looking at one month salary here after taxes. So not crazy amount but I guess too much for most folks.

But so true, we don't know full situation and of course would not bother sibling with it. Thanks for insight!

Only an idiot would spend two months' salary on an engagement ring.[/quote]

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not much savings b/c a) both laid off in their 50s. You know the drill. b) paid private school tuition for their daughters. There life has been giving of themselves for their kids; their house is old and not fancy and their car was ten years old.

Only looking at new cars b/c a) used car prices at historic highs b) used cars will have more maintenance and less reliability, and they are older and often driving grand kids, and so reliability is key and c) bigger car like accord to fit 3 car seats in back.

From these reactions, I guess I am in the minority of giving money to family. But do most people have the availability of the money, or am I wrong there too!

If I were you OP and had the money, then I would gladly hand it over so my parents could get a new car. Everything my parents have done for me in my lifetime adds up well more than $10,000. I am surprised with the reactions too. Sad to think there arent more out there who would help their parents.

What you fail to realize is that a lot of people have not gotten any financial assistance ever from their parents -- public school all the way, no paying for any kind of lessons ever, no help buying first car, no help paying for college, no help buying house. Many people were even expected to get jobs when they turned 15 so they could then start paying for their own clothes.

So for all of those people, while they may love their parents, they probably feel like they don't owe them anything financially. And in fact, it may even be a point of contention that their parents didn't help them with any of the big financial things in their lives, especially if that meant working a lot to pay for college or taking on incredible debt load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't apply to OP's post, but more to some of the responses.

It is tiring to hear people go on and on about how poor they are on $200k+ in this area. I understand medical debt and student debt. But if you are that strapped, move further out, cut the private school, don't vacation for a couple of years.
The incessant whining is ridiculous. Guess what -adulthood comes with expenses, many of which are based on choices you make.

I agree.

But I still think OP is being ridiculous, that it isn't any of her business what the sibling has in savings and that it isn't her business to be asking the sibling to give money to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you put your $10k down and then they can finance the rest? I do agree that with 0% financing it makes sense to buy new with a warranty.