I'm a foster parent - Ask me Anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God bless you for taking care of these children!

Even though you do not want to adopt, I am guessing it must be very difficult to say goodbye to the children, particularly those with whom you really bond. How do you deal with that? Do you keep in touch?

Well generally we are happy for them to go because it's (hopefullly) to a permanent place. To a relative who has stepped up, to a parent who has jumped through hoops to get their child back, etc. We want the kids to have a stable life. But it's still a big adjustment when a child leaves, and we all mope around for a day or two, sometimes longer. We don't really keep in touch because that doesn't encourage them to bond with whatever family they've moved on to.

Kids who have been in foster care always talk about being moved around a lot, sometimes seemingly for no reason. Do the social workers tell you where the kids are going? Have you ever had one moved for reason other than family unification or your request and do you know what that reason was?

Generally we are told "Larla's aunt has agreed to take her so we'll pick her up after school tomorrow." We aren't given the exact address or anything. Sometimes they're moved because a bed opens in a home where their sibling is, or in a home better equipped to help with their specific problem.

In cases other than when a family member becomes available, and especially when the child has been with you for a while, are the child's desires and your opinions taken into account? For example, there may be a home that is supposed to be better equipped to handle her problem, but she has been thriving with you, thriving at her school, do you get to say you think she should stay, does the child get to say she would rather stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here - also, could a couple be foster parents if they both work full time? (My guess is no?)

I'm not the OP, but I am a foster parent. The answer to this question is yes- you can. My husband and I both work full time. In fact in the DC metro area the majority of 2 parent foster parents both work. And there are a lot of single foster parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God bless you for taking care of these children!

Even though you do not want to adopt, I am guessing it must be very difficult to say goodbye to the children, particularly those with whom you really bond. How do you deal with that? Do you keep in touch?

Well generally we are happy for them to go because it's (hopefullly) to a permanent place. To a relative who has stepped up, to a parent who has jumped through hoops to get their child back, etc. We want the kids to have a stable life. But it's still a big adjustment when a child leaves, and we all mope around for a day or two, sometimes longer. We don't really keep in touch because that doesn't encourage them to bond with whatever family they've moved on to.

Kids who have been in foster care always talk about being moved around a lot, sometimes seemingly for no reason. Do the social workers tell you where the kids are going? Have you ever had one moved for reason other than family unification or your request and do you know what that reason was?

Generally we are told "Larla's aunt has agreed to take her so we'll pick her up after school tomorrow." We aren't given the exact address or anything. Sometimes they're moved because a bed opens in a home where their sibling is, or in a home better equipped to help with their specific problem.

In cases other than when a family member becomes available, and especially when the child has been with you for a while, are the child's desires and your opinions taken into account? For example, there may be a home that is supposed to be better equipped to handle her problem, but she has been thriving with you, thriving at her school, do you get to say you think she should stay, does the child get to say she would rather stay?

The goal is to get the child into the home that will be their home long-term, as soon as possible. So no, they can't stay with us if a suitable permanent placement has been found. Their desires are taken into account in terms of being asked, but they are guided towards what is truly best for them. If they don't want to stay with grandma because she's strict and makes them do homework instead of watching tv and playing Minecraft, then that's not a reason for her to NOT go live with Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God bless you for taking care of these children!

Even though you do not want to adopt, I am guessing it must be very difficult to say goodbye to the children, particularly those with whom you really bond. How do you deal with that? Do you keep in touch?

Well generally we are happy for them to go because it's (hopefullly) to a permanent place. To a relative who has stepped up, to a parent who has jumped through hoops to get their child back, etc. We want the kids to have a stable life. But it's still a big adjustment when a child leaves, and we all mope around for a day or two, sometimes longer. We don't really keep in touch because that doesn't encourage them to bond with whatever family they've moved on to.

Kids who have been in foster care always talk about being moved around a lot, sometimes seemingly for no reason. Do the social workers tell you where the kids are going? Have you ever had one moved for reason other than family unification or your request and do you know what that reason was?

Generally we are told "Larla's aunt has agreed to take her so we'll pick her up after school tomorrow." We aren't given the exact address or anything. Sometimes they're moved because a bed opens in a home where their sibling is, or in a home better equipped to help with their specific problem.

In cases other than when a family member becomes available, and especially when the child has been with you for a while, are the child's desires and your opinions taken into account? For example, there may be a home that is supposed to be better equipped to handle her problem, but she has been thriving with you, thriving at her school, do you get to say you think she should stay, does the child get to say she would rather stay?

The goal is to get the child into the home that will be their home long-term, as soon as possible. So no, they can't stay with us if a suitable permanent placement has been found. Their desires are taken into account in terms of being asked, but they are guided towards what is truly best for them. If they don't want to stay with grandma because she's strict and makes them do homework instead of watching tv and playing Minecraft, then that's not a reason for her to NOT go live with Grandma.

Good to know that they are asked. Reason I keep asking this, we've thought about becoming foster parents, and I think this would be one of the hardest things to deal with -- if someone came and took away a child we'd bonded with, a child who did not want to leave, and it wasn't to be reunited with family or be adopted, but into another foster home. I'd be tempted to pack up the kids and skip town .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God bless you for taking care of these children!

Even though you do not want to adopt, I am guessing it must be very difficult to say goodbye to the children, particularly those with whom you really bond. How do you deal with that? Do you keep in touch?

Well generally we are happy for them to go because it's (hopefullly) to a permanent place. To a relative who has stepped up, to a parent who has jumped through hoops to get their child back, etc. We want the kids to have a stable life. But it's still a big adjustment when a child leaves, and we all mope around for a day or two, sometimes longer. We don't really keep in touch because that doesn't encourage them to bond with whatever family they've moved on to.

Kids who have been in foster care always talk about being moved around a lot, sometimes seemingly for no reason. Do the social workers tell you where the kids are going? Have you ever had one moved for reason other than family unification or your request and do you know what that reason was?

Generally we are told "Larla's aunt has agreed to take her so we'll pick her up after school tomorrow." We aren't given the exact address or anything. Sometimes they're moved because a bed opens in a home where their sibling is, or in a home better equipped to help with their specific problem.

In cases other than when a family member becomes available, and especially when the child has been with you for a while, are the child's desires and your opinions taken into account? For example, there may be a home that is supposed to be better equipped to handle her problem, but she has been thriving with you, thriving at her school, do you get to say you think she should stay, does the child get to say she would rather stay?

The goal is to get the child into the home that will be their home long-term, as soon as possible. So no, they can't stay with us if a suitable permanent placement has been found. Their desires are taken into account in terms of being asked, but they are guided towards what is truly best for them. If they don't want to stay with grandma because she's strict and makes them do homework instead of watching tv and playing Minecraft, then that's not a reason for her to NOT go live with Grandma.

Good to know that they are asked. Reason I keep asking this, we've thought about becoming foster parents, and I think this would be one of the hardest things to deal with -- if someone came and took away a child we'd bonded with, a child who did not want to leave, and it wasn't to be reunited with family or be adopted, but into another foster home. I'd be tempted to pack up the kids and skip town .

I say this gently: then maybe fostering isn't for you. You need to not only be able to let go, but to have a positive attitude about it for the child's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Good to know that they are asked. Reason I keep asking this, we've thought about becoming foster parents, and I think this would be one of the hardest things to deal with -- if someone came and took away a child we'd bonded with, a child who did not want to leave, and it wasn't to be reunited with family or be adopted, but into another foster home. I'd be tempted to pack up the kids and skip town .

I am not the OP, but I am a foster parent. I have never ever seen this happen. In the county I am in they work very hard to avoid moving kids. The only times that kids are moved from one foster family to another foster family is when the initial foster family requests the child be moved. Another very rare circumstance is when the initial foster family breaks a 'big deal' rule. They are not just out there moving kids willy nilly.

Also- unlike the OP of this thread- we do keep in contact with some of the children who have left our home. Those relationships have been very positive for all concerned.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting thread. I'd like to foster when my kids are older.

[Anonymous]

We have two wonderful daughters, 6 and 8. We are thinking of becoming Foster parents without the intention of adopting but of helping in a critical moment and being a positive influence towards a child. Sooo many questions!!!! What if when the child can go back, does not want to and rather wants to stay with you??? Has it happened to you? What do you do? We would give her the same tools as we give our daughters, talking and expressing our feelings, could those tools hurt her when she goes back to a rougher place? What about school? I read they ask you to keep her in her in her regular school...my kids go to a private, would that be an issue?

[Anonymous]

Of all the kids who have stayed with you -- what has been the average length of stay? Are we talking 2 weeks or 6 months? And how long of a break do you take between foster kids or do you always have one?

Sorry but I'm just not getting why someone with your own young kids would do this. You say you work part time, DH works full time, and you have 2 young kids. Aren't you going to look back in 10 or 15 years and feel like you missed out on your own kids' childhoods or skipped the opportunity to take your kids on certain outings or events because little Daquan who you never spoke to again was with your family for that 3 week period and you didn't want to spend the $$$ to take everyone on an outing but couldn't just leave him home with a sitter due to his emotional issues? Except that it won't be just 1 thing you skipped with your kids but dozens if not hundreds?

[Anonymous]

What's your house set up like and how old are your kids -- do your kids have their own rooms or do they share with the foster kids? Do your kids have their own space where they can keep their toys and go hide out if they don't want to interact? Do you require or encourage your kids to interact -- do you see it as a family activity to bring in a foster kid or do you see it as yours/DH's hobby and your kids can participate or not?

[Anonymous]

Old thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of all the kids who have stayed with you -- what has been the average length of stay? Are we talking 2 weeks or 6 months? And how long of a break do you take between foster kids or do you always have one?

Sorry but I'm just not getting why someone with your own young kids would do this. You say you work part time, DH works full time, and you have 2 young kids. Aren't you going to look back in 10 or 15 years and feel like you missed out on your own kids' childhoods or skipped the opportunity to take your kids on certain outings or events because little Daquan who you never spoke to again was with your family for that 3 week period and you didn't want to spend the $$$ to take everyone on an outing but couldn't just leave him home with a sitter due to his emotional issues? Except that it won't be just 1 thing you skipped with your kids but dozens if not hundreds?

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two wonderful daughters, 6 and 8. We are thinking of becoming Foster parents without the intention of adopting but of helping in a critical moment and being a positive influence towards a child. Sooo many questions!!!! What if when the child can go back, does not want to and rather wants to stay with you??? Has it happened to you? What do you do? We would give her the same tools as we give our daughters, talking and expressing our feelings, could those tools hurt her when she goes back to a rougher place? What about school? I read they ask you to keep her in her in her regular school...my kids go to a private, would that be an issue?

OP here. Foster kids are almost always having visits with their adult that they'll be going to while they're with us. They know we're a port in the storm and not a permanent home, and we do all we can to be positive about where they'll go after us. We talk it up, point out the positives and encourage them to go. You have to give each child the tools they need. I had one 7 yr old foster kid who, when told he was going back to his mother (who'd been neglectful) begged me to teach him to cook. We normally would not allow OUR kids at 7 to be handling a pot of boiling water by themselves but taught this kid because he needed this tool. Different kids need different tools.

I am pretty sure no private school is going to take a kid for a few months or take a kid who can't excel at the school even if they're in foster care. And I am positive that a kid will feel like shit to live in a house where the other kids go to fancy private school while they go to public. My kids go to public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of all the kids who have stayed with you -- what has been the average length of stay? Are we talking 2 weeks or 6 months? And how long of a break do you take between foster kids or do you always have one?

Sorry but I'm just not getting why someone with your own young kids would do this. You say you work part time, DH works full time, and you have 2 young kids. Aren't you going to look back in 10 or 15 years and feel like you missed out on your own kids' childhoods or skipped the opportunity to take your kids on certain outings or events because little Daquan who you never spoke to again was with your family for that 3 week period and you didn't want to spend the $$$ to take everyone on an outing but couldn't just leave him home with a sitter due to his emotional issues? Except that it won't be just 1 thing you skipped with your kids but dozens if not hundreds?

Wow.

What -- most of these kids are AA, but if it makes you feel better -- fine, we'll refer to little Aidan. The question still stands though -- aren't you going to regret the time, attention and resources taken away from your own kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of all the kids who have stayed with you -- what has been the average length of stay? Are we talking 2 weeks or 6 months? And how long of a break do you take between foster kids or do you always have one?

Sorry but I'm just not getting why someone with your own young kids would do this. You say you work part time, DH works full time, and you have 2 young kids. Aren't you going to look back in 10 or 15 years and feel like you missed out on your own kids' childhoods or skipped the opportunity to take your kids on certain outings or events because little Daquan who you never spoke to again was with your family for that 3 week period and you didn't want to spend the $$$ to take everyone on an outing but couldn't just leave him home with a sitter due to his emotional issues? Except that it won't be just 1 thing you skipped with your kids but dozens if not hundreds?

It really, REALLY fluctuates. Two nights to two years.
We only accept a kid if the entire family is comfortable with that. If one person needs a three month break then we take a three month break. If we're all ready after two days, then we say yes after two days.
We take Daquan with us. We are allowed to take foster kids on vacation with us and we do. Our kids are not missing out. We do this because SOMEBODY has to, and we feel like we're qualified to be somebody. No, I don't think I'll look back in 10-15 years thinking I missed out on my own kids' childhoods. If i did, we wouldn't do this. We have a foster son with us now, and damn straight he had a Christmas stocking up right along with all of ours. When we went to the grandparents house, he got anxious and his behavior went a little off. DH pulled him aside and whispered that they knew he was coming and there'd be gifts for him too, and after he came out of his time in he'd settled down.