I'm a foster parent - Ask me Anything

[Incognita]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of all the kids who have stayed with you -- what has been the average length of stay? Are we talking 2 weeks or 6 months? And how long of a break do you take between foster kids or do you always have one?

Sorry but I'm just not getting why someone with your own young kids would do this. You say you work part time, DH works full time, and you have 2 young kids. Aren't you going to look back in 10 or 15 years and feel like you missed out on your own kids' childhoods or skipped the opportunity to take your kids on certain outings or events because little Daquan who you never spoke to again was with your family for that 3 week period and you didn't want to spend the $$$ to take everyone on an outing but couldn't just leave him home with a sitter due to his emotional issues? Except that it won't be just 1 thing you skipped with your kids but dozens if not hundreds?

Wow.

What -- most of these kids are AA, but if it makes you feel better -- fine, we'll refer to little Aidan. The question still stands though -- aren't you going to regret the time, attention and resources taken away from your own kids?

It seems it makes you feel better if it was most AA

http://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/cb/data_brief_foster_care_trends1.pdf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of all the kids who have stayed with you -- what has been the average length of stay? Are we talking 2 weeks or 6 months? And how long of a break do you take between foster kids or do you always have one?

Sorry but I'm just not getting why someone with your own young kids would do this. You say you work part time, DH works full time, and you have 2 young kids. Aren't you going to look back in 10 or 15 years and feel like you missed out on your own kids' childhoods or skipped the opportunity to take your kids on certain outings or events because little Daquan who you never spoke to again was with your family for that 3 week period and you didn't want to spend the $$$ to take everyone on an outing but couldn't just leave him home with a sitter due to his emotional issues? Except that it won't be just 1 thing you skipped with your kids but dozens if not hundreds?

Wow.

What -- most of these kids are AA, but if it makes you feel better -- fine, we'll refer to little Aidan. The question still stands though -- aren't you going to regret the time, attention and resources taken away from your own kids?

NP here.

OK, PP. I will bite. If you think that having a foster kid will be detrimental to you in some way, you do not become a foster parent. You are obviously not a person who should become one.

BTW - are you the one who had asked how much does this pay? If monetary benefit is your motive to foster, you should not become a foster parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's your house set up like and how old are your kids -- do your kids have their own rooms or do they share with the foster kids? Do your kids have their own space where they can keep their toys and go hide out if they don't want to interact? Do you require or encourage your kids to interact -- do you see it as a family activity to bring in a foster kid or do you see it as yours/DH's hobby and your kids can participate or not?

The kids have their own rooms, each of which has a trundle bed. We have two "guest rooms". It's definitely a family activity, which is why each member of the family has to feel ready for a new person to come in. Foster kids often interact with our kids before they'll interact with us when they first arrive.

[Anonymous]

You say that the whole family has to agree to take someone in but how real is that? I mean is this like when parents tell a teen "your choice" but they really mean there is one "right" answer.

Right now your kids are little -- what happens when they turn 15, if they say they really just don't want anyone else coming in? Will you and DH stop? Or would you convince them of all the positives? Why did you really get into this hobby -- beyond the fact that DH knew a nice lady who did it; I mean I'm sure DH also knew nice ladies who baked for church bake sales -- why not do that?

How do your extended families feel about having a stranger being brought to their home for Thanksgiving/Christmas etc -- and a different stranger each time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say that the whole family has to agree to take someone in but how real is that? I mean is this like when parents tell a teen "your choice" but they really mean there is one "right" answer.

Right now your kids are little -- what happens when they turn 15, if they say they really just don't want anyone else coming in? Will you and DH stop? Or would you convince them of all the positives? Why did you really get into this hobby -- beyond the fact that DH knew a nice lady who did it; I mean I'm sure DH also knew nice ladies who baked for church bake sales -- why not do that?

How do your extended families feel about having a stranger being brought to their home for Thanksgiving/Christmas etc -- and a different stranger each time?

I've never heard anyone call it a hobby before.
What I mean about choice is that any one of us can say when a foster child leaves "Well THAT'S going to take a while to get over" and any one of us can say "When are we getting a new kid, it's quiet around here?" If the kids say no, then we'll stop. This only works well if it works for all family members.

Some "hobbies" you feel more strongly about than others.
Some extended family members are more supportive about it than others. Kind of like an older kid might bring a boyfriend/girlfriend to Thanksgiving one year and a different SO the next, everyone is welcoming to our foster children.

[Anonymous]

Do some foster kids talk about their parents often? Do they want to go home even if it's some what disfunctional?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do some foster kids talk about their parents often? Do they want to go home even if it's some what disfunctional?

We hear a lot of interesting things about their parents. Everything from "My mom made meatloaf once too, but it crumbled and didn't look loaf-like" to "You're getting a blood test this morning? That looks like your best vein." to "do i have to blow you tonight? my dad makes me do it every tuesday."

Almost across the board, the kids want to be with their parents. That's what attachment does. But that answer somehow implies the parents are at fault for their children being separated from them. We've had kids with us when their battered mother goes to jail for attempting to murder their abuser. We've had kids whose single parents have had to go into the hospital and no relatives are able to take them. Or kids with single parents who have been called back into the military who can't sort out being excused before they have to report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do some foster kids talk about their parents often? Do they want to go home even if it's some what disfunctional?

We hear a lot of interesting things about their parents. Everything from "My mom made meatloaf once too, but it crumbled and didn't look loaf-like" to "You're getting a blood test this morning? That looks like your best vein." to "do i have to blow you tonight? my dad makes me do it every tuesday."

Almost across the board, the kids want to be with their parents. That's what attachment does. But that answer somehow implies the parents are at fault for their children being separated from them. We've had kids with us when their battered mother goes to jail for attempting to murder their abuser. We've had kids whose single parents have had to go into the hospital and no relatives are able to take them. Or kids with single parents who have been called back into the military who can't sort out being excused before they have to report.

Why on earth do you want this influence around your own kids? Aren't your kids old enough where they then say "mommy wants a blow job" and you have to respond "sweetie it's something married ppl do to each other, in this house kids don't do that to parents?" Really!? Are you so interested in saving the world that it doesn't matter what your kids are exposed to?

[Anonymous]

In the real world have you had people had negative commentary about you being a foster parent -- coworkers, friends, kids' friends parents who maybe don't want to send their kids to your house to play bc they don't know who will be around? How do you respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the real world have you had people had negative commentary about you being a foster parent -- coworkers, friends, kids' friends parents who maybe don't want to send their kids to your house to play bc they don't know who will be around? How do you respond?

I've really only heard "I couldn't do that" or "Is it safe?" variations. We keep a close eye on our kids - transitions are hard for all kids - so whereas maybe if we didn't have any foster kids over we'd let our bio kids play with a friend unsupervised while we're in another room, when we have foster kids here we stay in the room (I'll sit on the couch reading or folding laundry or surfing the web while the kids are all playing on the floor for example - I keep them in my eyesight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do some foster kids talk about their parents often? Do they want to go home even if it's some what disfunctional?

We hear a lot of interesting things about their parents. Everything from "My mom made meatloaf once too, but it crumbled and didn't look loaf-like" to "You're getting a blood test this morning? That looks like your best vein." to "do i have to blow you tonight? my dad makes me do it every tuesday."

Almost across the board, the kids want to be with their parents. That's what attachment does. But that answer somehow implies the parents are at fault for their children being separated from them. We've had kids with us when their battered mother goes to jail for attempting to murder their abuser. We've had kids whose single parents have had to go into the hospital and no relatives are able to take them. Or kids with single parents who have been called back into the military who can't sort out being excused before they have to report.

Why on earth do you want this influence around your own kids? Aren't your kids old enough where they then say "mommy wants a blow job" and you have to respond "sweetie it's something married ppl do to each other, in this house kids don't do that to parents?" Really!? Are you so interested in saving the world that it doesn't matter what your kids are exposed to?

Well, that's not exactly how we'd respond, but it's really okay for kids to know that not all kids are in safe homes, that not all parents control their tempers, that not all parents can put the welfare of their children first. But you clearly think we shouldn't be foster parents, and are determined to press forward with that agenda, so just recognize that I hear you and yet am continuing anyway.

[Anonymous]

You are a kindred old soul, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do some foster kids talk about their parents often? Do they want to go home even if it's some what disfunctional?

We hear a lot of interesting things about their parents. Everything from "My mom made meatloaf once too, but it crumbled and didn't look loaf-like" to "You're getting a blood test this morning? That looks like your best vein." to "do i have to blow you tonight? my dad makes me do it every tuesday."

Almost across the board, the kids want to be with their parents. That's what attachment does. But that answer somehow implies the parents are at fault for their children being separated from them. We've had kids with us when their battered mother goes to jail for attempting to murder their abuser. We've had kids whose single parents have had to go into the hospital and no relatives are able to take them. Or kids with single parents who have been called back into the military who can't sort out being excused before they have to report.

Why on earth do you want this influence around your own kids? Aren't your kids old enough where they then say "mommy wants a blow job" and you have to respond "sweetie it's something married ppl do to each other, in this house kids don't do that to parents?" Really!? Are you so interested in saving the world that it doesn't matter what your kids are exposed to?

Well, that's not exactly how we'd respond, but it's really okay for kids to know that not all kids are in safe homes, that not all parents control their tempers, that not all parents can put the welfare of their children first. But you clearly think we shouldn't be foster parents, and are determined to press forward with that agenda, so just recognize that I hear you and yet am continuing anyway.

I like you OP., Your responses demonstrate why you are a foster parent and why you are likely pretty darn good at it. Keep up the great work. As you said, somebody has to do it and you seem like a wonderful somebody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do some foster kids talk about their parents often? Do they want to go home even if it's some what disfunctional?

We hear a lot of interesting things about their parents. Everything from "My mom made meatloaf once too, but it crumbled and didn't look loaf-like" to "You're getting a blood test this morning? That looks like your best vein." to "do i have to blow you tonight? my dad makes me do it every tuesday."

Almost across the board, the kids want to be with their parents. That's what attachment does. But that answer somehow implies the parents are at fault for their children being separated from them. We've had kids with us when their battered mother goes to jail for attempting to murder their abuser. We've had kids whose single parents have had to go into the hospital and no relatives are able to take them. Or kids with single parents who have been called back into the military who can't sort out being excused before they have to report.

Why on earth do you want this influence around your own kids? Aren't your kids old enough where they then say "mommy wants a blow job" and you have to respond "sweetie it's something married ppl do to each other, in this house kids don't do that to parents?" Really!? Are you so interested in saving the world that it doesn't matter what your kids are exposed to?

NP. Why on earth are you so hostile? It's weird.

[Anonymous]

How did you know you were right for it, OP? It sounds emotionally demanding.