I'm a foster parent - Ask me Anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do some foster kids talk about their parents often? Do they want to go home even if it's some what disfunctional?

We hear a lot of interesting things about their parents. Everything from "My mom made meatloaf once too, but it crumbled and didn't look loaf-like" to "You're getting a blood test this morning? That looks like your best vein." to "do i have to blow you tonight? my dad makes me do it every tuesday."

Almost across the board, the kids want to be with their parents. That's what attachment does. But that answer somehow implies the parents are at fault for their children being separated from them. We've had kids with us when their battered mother goes to jail for attempting to murder their abuser. We've had kids whose single parents have had to go into the hospital and no relatives are able to take them. Or kids with single parents who have been called back into the military who can't sort out being excused before they have to report.

Why on earth do you want this influence around your own kids? Aren't your kids old enough where they then say "mommy wants a blow job" and you have to respond "sweetie it's something married ppl do to each other, in this house kids don't do that to parents?" Really!? Are you so interested in saving the world that it doesn't matter what your kids are exposed to?

Bc I really don't understand why ppl are SO interested in saving the world at the expense of their own lives and families. You're taking these kids in to make yourself feel good about how great a human you are and you're doing it at the expense of the kids you birthed.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for what you're doing, OP. You really are making a difference in children's lives. Yes, fostering isn't for everyone, but it certainly sounds like it's a positive experience for you.

Have ypu read the book The Language of the Flowers? It details abuse by foster families. How common is that?

Also, are there safety nets for kids after they turn 18? Mentoring programs or financial support or anything? Must be hard when many of them have no one to turn to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you know you were right for it, OP? It sounds emotionally demanding.

We spoke with people who did it, we spoke with social and case workers, we read a ton of websites, blogs and books about fostering and guardian ad litems, we thought about it, we spoke with people who had more life experience than us, and then we took a leap of faith. It's entirely worth it when one of our foster kids comes home from school and we're able to say "Your mom got released from the hospital yesterday and is ready to take care of you again." It's entirely worth it when a foster kid is leaving and they turn around and whisper thank you to us. It doesn't happen every time, but it's great when it does, and it carries us through low points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for what you're doing, OP. You really are making a difference in children's lives. Yes, fostering isn't for everyone, but it certainly sounds like it's a positive experience for you.

Have ypu read the book The Language of the Flowers? It details abuse by foster families. How common is that?

Also, are there safety nets for kids after they turn 18? Mentoring programs or financial support or anything? Must be hard when many of them have no one to turn to.

I've read books by Cathy Glass that are about foster kids who were abused, but no, not that specific book.
I don't know tons of other foster families so have no idea how often they're abusing foster kids.

We only foster kids who are younger than our kids who are not yet teens. So I don't really know anything about kids aging out of the system.

[Anonymous]

Do foster parents have a choice in which child they want to foster?

Let's say that you want to foster the child of a single parent who is in the army reserve and has been deployed, vs. a child that has been sexually abused and removed from their parent's house- would/could you make that request to social services?

Or if you wanted to take kids who were siblings and did not have any mental or physical disabilities?

[Anonymous]

For the hardest kid that you've had to deal with, what was his/her situation that brought him/her to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do foster parents have a choice in which child they want to foster?

Let's say that you want to foster the child of a single parent who is in the army reserve and has been deployed, vs. a child that has been sexually abused and removed from their parent's house- would/could you make that request to social services?

Or if you wanted to take kids who were siblings and did not have any mental or physical disabilities?

No. Well, sort of. You can't say you want to foster a military brat. You can say you want placements that'll be longer than a week/month. We once booked a last minute cruise two weeks out and then got called to take in a kid and DH told her we were going on vacation and wouldn't leave any kid living in our house behind, so we'd take him as long as he was definitely only needing a week's care. You can say how many beds you have available. But just because we have two empty beds it doesn't mean we'll turn away a singleton. We are firm in not taking any child older than our youngest child. And we are firm that our house is not physically handicapped accessible. But you can't say "I only want a cute boy - no girls - between the ages of 4-7 whose need for fostering is because their parents are doing something noble."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do some foster kids talk about their parents often? Do they want to go home even if it's some what disfunctional?

We hear a lot of interesting things about their parents. Everything from "My mom made meatloaf once too, but it crumbled and didn't look loaf-like" to "You're getting a blood test this morning? That looks like your best vein." to "do i have to blow you tonight? my dad makes me do it every tuesday."

Almost across the board, the kids want to be with their parents. That's what attachment does. But that answer somehow implies the parents are at fault for their children being separated from them. We've had kids with us when their battered mother goes to jail for attempting to murder their abuser. We've had kids whose single parents have had to go into the hospital and no relatives are able to take them. Or kids with single parents who have been called back into the military who can't sort out being excused before they have to report.

omg! Those poor kids!! Did they really say that? Please tell me they didn't go back into that house. They don't really ever get over the abuse, huh?
This breaks my heart! I get so angry to hear what shitheads are out there abusing these precious kids. Thank OP for all that you do!