Special Needs Child Bully on Soccer Team

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's strange how these threads become a deluge of anecdotes about how "I once met a Special Needs kid who...[insert bad behavior or random gripe]."

Are we supposed to apologize or care that your child had a single bad encounter with a child you feel was Special Needs?

No, but removing that chip from your shoulder and considering how others perceive this behavior rather than displaying the dismissiveness above would be a good start.

Maybe you need to remove the chip from your should and consider the fact that your perception is WRONG.

NP here.
Which perception might that be? Can't entertain the thought that someone might have had the actual experience they mention?

Your perception is that if a kid is a brat they must be SN. That is not correct simply because you had 1 bad experience. Your perception is not reality. They have 1 experience that does not make them an expert.

I said I was a new poster. I didn't post a "perception" of any kind, of any child, SN or NT. You just seem unwilling or unable to entertain someone else's experiences or perceptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: many of us have been in this position. The coach cannot do much because he is not a professional, he is just a volunteer. If he tries to do something, he will be labelled as not understanding the special needs of the SNs kid. So he stays out of it. The rest of the team just plays around him the best they can and the SN mother goes home "happy" because her SN had the "experience" Professionals in SN know that a child can be SN and a real brat at the same time, and they know what to do about it. It is a very awkward situation. To the PP above: this is how the normal parents feel when the whole activity is disrupted.

"Normal"? I'm certainly a normal parent. My DS has a disability, but he's "normal."

What do you think parents of kids with SN are? Freaks?

Please go away. We have real challenges that you can't even imagine. We are here to support each other, not to be trashed by you.

Those not "normal" are "special," correct? I didn't see the previous PP use or imply a word like "freaks," so why do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: many of us have been in this position. The coach cannot do much because he is not a professional, he is just a volunteer. If he tries to do something, he will be labelled as not understanding the special needs of the SNs kid. So he stays out of it. The rest of the team just plays around him the best they can and the SN mother goes home "happy" because her SN had the "experience" Professionals in SN know that a child can be SN and a real brat at the same time, and they know what to do about it. It is a very awkward situation. To the PP above: this is how the normal parents feel when the whole activity is disrupted.

"Normal"? I'm certainly a normal parent. My DS has a disability, but he's "normal."

What do you think parents of kids with SN are? Freaks?

Please go away. We have real challenges that you can't even imagine. We are here to support each other, not to be trashed by you.

Those not "normal" are "special," correct? I didn't see the previous PP use or imply a word like "freaks," so why do you?

First of all, our children HAVE special needs, they are not special needs. Second, our CHILDREN have special needs. Sometimes we do as well, but thats generally not why we are here. So positioning "normal" against "SN" makes no sense at all. We ARE normal. And to call us anything but normal is essentially calling us freaks.

And parents of kids with special needs really prefer that you not refer to our children as being abnormal. They are atypical, but they are "normal". My DS is normal for a child with an ASD.

Personally, I am not a fan of teh term "special needs" and prefer disability, because that what my DS has, but the word "special" here does not mean "wonderful" it means "unusual" or "atypical."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, first of all, I am sorry your child is being hit. This is not acceptable in any way.

However, nobody--how can I stress this??--ABSOLUTELY NOBODY thinks that special needs kids get a free pass on aggression. If the child's parents are looking the other way, pretending not to notice, well, my guess is that it is because they are exhausted, desperate to find a social group for child, thrilled that child finally loves an activity, happy he falls asleep so quickly after soccer practice [insert any number of other possibilities]. If you you are sympathetic to the parents' feelings, and can understand that their parenting job is tremendously harder than that of most people, maybe you can reach out to them and talk to them. I can assure you, though, that the parents do not expect that.

(Let me say, so you know where I am coming from, that I have one child with ADHD inattentive and anxiety and two neurotypical kids. My child with ADHD has not hit another kid since he was a toddler. So I am not simply identifying with the parents here.)

As many have said, the obvious thing in this situation is to talk to the authority figure. Yes, the coach has it tough and it is awkward and complicated but honestly this is more common than you think. I coach my son's soccer team and we have two "special needs kids" who have some obvious attention issues, one of whom can't be counted on to play, and that can be challenging. There are also two neurotypical kids who are pretty impulsive, throw balls at kids, kick other people's balls away, bump into other kids, and occasionally hit them. It is tough for me to address this with their parents' too! I can tell you that my most challenging situation is with the dad of one of those kids who is incredibly defensive/aggressive himself.

But back to my original point: because it is so patently obvious that NOBODY is okay with aggression coming from any child, it can rub people the wrong way when you seem to assume that this population of parents is. Please also keep in mind that special needs kids are more often the targets of bullies than the perpetrators!

Your premise seems to be that this question has no logical solution when it has some very obvious ones. Think about how something like this would be dealt with in a school situation: the aggression would not be tolerated for a minute; child would be dealt with and disciplined in exactly the same way as neurotypical child. The only sort of accommodation a child with special needs might get is in the intervention beforehand, perhaps some strategies aimed at prevention (maybe child would be redirected at the first sign of trouble; maybe child would get frequent breaks; etc etc). Of course, understandably a volunteer coach is in no position to accommodate like this and the child's parents are clearly not doing their job. I understand that this has created a very tough situation for you. Please address the issue immediately with the coach.

+1

I would also encourage you to address the issue with your child. No one has the right to hit or abuse your child, special needs or not. Your child should be encouraged to be proactive about it. Your child should respond to hitting by saying loudly "Hey, you're not allowed to hit me! Knock it off!" and then tell the coach that the kid hit him. The coach or parents can deal with it in the moment.

When my son was being hit by a kid with ADHD in his gymnastics class, I talked to the teachers and talked to my son. When that didn't resolve the problem, I addressed the problem to the boy's father. "Your son hits my son every week. You need to tell him to stop." The dad blew up in my face, but I continued to state that it was not acceptable for his kid to hit and that he needed to tell his kid to stop. They left our class and never came back.

I have a kid with ASD, BTW. I don't enjoy feedback from other parents on my kid's behavior, but I need it to gauge which situations are working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's strange how these threads become a deluge of anecdotes about how "I once met a Special Needs kid who...[insert bad behavior or random gripe]."

Are we supposed to apologize or care that your child had a single bad encounter with a child you feel was Special Needs?

No, but removing that chip from your shoulder and considering how others perceive this behavior rather than displaying the dismissiveness above would be a good start.

Maybe you need to remove the chip from your should and consider the fact that your perception is WRONG.

NP here.
Which perception might that be? Can't entertain the thought that someone might have had the actual experience they mention?

Your perception is that if a kid is a brat they must be SN. That is not correct simply because you had 1 bad experience. Your perception is not reality. They have 1 experience that does not make them an expert.

I said I was a new poster. I didn't post a "perception" of any kind, of any child, SN or NT. You just seem unwilling or unable to entertain someone else's experiences or perceptions.

So HER perception was wrong. I don't even think this child has a special need. She assumed the child was a child with a special need. I don't have a chip on my shoulder because my kids with Special Needs are awesome and I don't have any problems with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: many of us have been in this position. The coach cannot do much because he is not a professional, he is just a volunteer. If he tries to do something, he will be labelled as not understanding the special needs of the SNs kid. So he stays out of it. The rest of the team just plays around him the best they can and the SN mother goes home "happy" because her SN had the "experience" Professionals in SN know that a child can be SN and a real brat at the same time, and they know what to do about it. It is a very awkward situation. To the PP above: this is how the normal parents feel when the whole activity is disrupted.

"Normal"? I'm certainly a normal parent. My DS has a disability, but he's "normal."

What do you think parents of kids with SN are? Freaks?

Please go away. We have real challenges that you can't even imagine. We are here to support each other, not to be trashed by you.

Those not "normal" are "special," correct? I didn't see the previous PP use or imply a word like "freaks," so why do you?

"Normal" is a loaded word in the SN Community. Calling a child not normal or abnormal is similar to calling a chlid with an intellectual disability the "R" word.

[Anonymous]

Ok so bottom line, parents of kids with special needs, when your kid is in an activity and another parent has a complaint about your kid's behavior toward their child who is NT or who has special needs what do you want us to do? How do you want us to address it?

Do you want us to come to you and say, "Hey! I am Darla and that over there is my daughter Larla. I have noticed for the past 3 practices that your daughter Melanie has been socking Larla in the gut really hard. Larla has asked Melanie to stop socking her and Melanie isn't stopping. How do you propose to get Melanie to stop punching my daughter? Because really if someone responded to me and said, "Oh. Melanie has special needs/has ADD/ASD/is Swedish," as a reason for their kid assaulting mine I think I would say, "I don't care what her issue is. Make sure she does not hit my kid again. If she does, I will complain about her participation in this activity and ask for her to not be allowed to participate until some remediation of her behavior can be accomplished."

Do you want us to say nothing to you and approach the coach about it? I feel certain that you don't want other parents addressing your child's behavior directly to your child.

I just don't know how to say anything without offending the parent whether the child has special needs or is just a brat. I am less concerned about offending parents who have kids who are just brats. And I know that there will be a hundred posts from parents detailing that they are on their kids 24/7 to minimize any problems and that it is a lot of work. I get it. And I am really less likely to make an issue out of your child's behavior if I know that you are working on it, but I am my child's advocate too and just because somebody has a disability doesn't mean that they get a pass to harm my kid.

So, honestly, what would you like to see happen when a parent has an issue with your child's behavior in an extra curricular activity?

[Anonymous]

If the other child is hitting my kid and won't stop?

You have to ask?

[Anonymous]

Maybe speak with coach and if coach can't address is effectively and inclusively, ask for a meeting with coach and parent so there is a teach approach to solving the problem....often requiring more support for the child doing harm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: many of us have been in this position. The coach cannot do much because he is not a professional, he is just a volunteer. If he tries to do something, he will be labelled as not understanding the special needs of the SNs kid. So he stays out of it. The rest of the team just plays around him the best they can and the SN mother goes home "happy" because her SN had the "experience" Professionals in SN know that a child can be SN and a real brat at the same time, and they know what to do about it. It is a very awkward situation. To the PP above: this is how the normal parents feel when the whole activity is disrupted.

"Normal"? I'm certainly a normal parent. My DS has a disability, but he's "normal."

What do you think parents of kids with SN are? Freaks?

Please go away. We have real challenges that you can't even imagine. We are here to support each other, not to be trashed by you.

Those not "normal" are "special," correct? I didn't see the previous PP use or imply a word like "freaks," so why do you?

First of all, our children HAVE special needs, they are not special needs. Second, our CHILDREN have special needs. Sometimes we do as well, but thats generally not why we are here. So positioning "normal" against "SN" makes no sense at all. We ARE normal. And to call us anything but normal is essentially calling us freaks.

And parents of kids with special needs really prefer that you not refer to our children as being abnormal. They are atypical, but they are "normal". My DS is normal for a child with an ASD.

Personally, I am not a fan of teh term "special needs" and prefer disability, because that what my DS has, but the word "special" here does not mean "wonderful" it means "unusual" or "atypical."

See, I think this intense focus on semantics is such a huge red herring. The behavior in question sometimes here is, indeed, outside the norm by any reasonable person's definition. That's why it's so remarkable in the first place. Fighting over the use of the word "normal" and insisting on the use of "neurotypical" and the like is just like some bizarre proxy fight that avoids the issue. Setting aside the issue of I fail to see much difference between "not normal" and "not typical," but it would seem to me that people dealing with SN would have much more important things to worry about than seeking to police language.

[Anonymous]

Over and over again everyone says talk to the coach. Why is that so difficult to understand?

The focus on semantics isn't intense. It is highly insulting to refer to our children as abnormal and i really don't think its so difficult to try to avoid that once its been pointed out to you. And we don't need you to point out that we have much more important things to worry about than language. of course we do. But we also have to worry about how our children are going to make it in the world, including how they are perceived. Language matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so bottom line, parents of kids with special needs, when your kid is in an activity and another parent has a complaint about your kid's behavior toward their child who is NT or who has special needs what do you want us to do? How do you want us to address it?

Why would you address it to the other parent and not to the coach? If your child is being hit at school, do you call up the other kids' parent or do you contact the teacher? Why does it matter if the other kid has a special need or not? I don't recall a single response from the SN community indicating you should address it with anyone other than the coach. This is not a special need issues.

[Anonymous]

Ok so bottom line, parents of kids WITHOUT special needs, when your kid is in an activity and another parent has a complaint about your kid's behavior toward their child who is NT or who has special needs what do you want us to do? How do you want us to address it?

SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS. Oh is it okay for me to suggest to you to have your kid tested because he obviously has SN's you just have not figured it out yet.

Anonymous wrote:Ok so bottom line, parents of kids with special needs, when your kid is in an activity and another parent has a complaint about your kid's behavior toward their child who is NT or who has special needs what do you want us to do? How do you want us to address it?

Do you want us to come to you and say, "Hey! I am Darla and that over there is my daughter Larla. I have noticed for the past 3 practices that your daughter Melanie has been socking Larla in the gut really hard. Larla has asked Melanie to stop socking her and Melanie isn't stopping. How do you propose to get Melanie to stop punching my daughter? Because really if someone responded to me and said, "Oh. Melanie has special needs/has ADD/ASD/is Swedish," as a reason for their kid assaulting mine I think I would say, "I don't care what her issue is. Make sure she does not hit my kid again. If she does, I will complain about her participation in this activity and ask for her to not be allowed to participate until some remediation of her behavior can be accomplished."

Do you want us to say nothing to you and approach the coach about it? I feel certain that you don't want other parents addressing your child's behavior directly to your child.

I just don't know how to say anything without offending the parent whether the child has special needs or is just a brat. I am less concerned about offending parents who have kids who are just brats. And I know that there will be a hundred posts from parents detailing that they are on their kids 24/7 to minimize any problems and that it is a lot of work. I get it. And I am really less likely to make an issue out of your child's behavior if I know that you are working on it, but I am my child's advocate too and just because somebody has a disability doesn't mean that they get a pass to harm my kid.

So, honestly, what would you like to see happen when a parent has an issue with your child's behavior in an extra curricular activity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over and over again everyone says talk to the coach. Why is that so difficult to understand?

The focus on semantics isn't intense. It is highly insulting to refer to our children as abnormal and i really don't think its so difficult to try to avoid that once its been pointed out to you. And we don't need you to point out that we have much more important things to worry about than language. of course we do. But we also have to worry about how our children are going to make it in the world, including how they are perceived. Language matters.

The coach is just a volunteer. He is not an expert in SN issues. He may not even be an expert in soccer. He is just trying to let the team play. When one child disrupts the whole game by punching and other out of bounds activities that are beyond his control there is little that he/she can do. The PP really took the ball and ran with it on semantics. Does not change that the whole activity becomes centered around the very special child and his very special needs --whatever you want to call him or his parents. While some parents think that is awesome! others would like to play a sport, without having their child be a punching bag.

[Anonymous]

Parents of kids WITHOUT SPECIAL NEEDS (new semantics) face the same problems with the bully kids.