Special Needs Child Bully on Soccer Team

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<Too many parents with the ADHD kids are looking at sports practices and games as free babysitting and a break for themselves neither of which it is.>>

PP -- how do you know this?

I have a SN kid. Sports practice is not free babysitting -- its a lot of work for me. School is free babysitting. Therapy appointments is expensive babysitting. Sports practice and birthday parties -- stuff thats free babysitting for NT kids -- is not babysitting for SN parents. Its more work.

It's rare I see the parents of school age kids actually stay for the whole practice or game even when it's clear the kid is having problems staying focused, not being aggressive, etc. And rarer still is seeing a parent actually intervene at a game or practice when the coach has tried several times to address the kid's behavior and it hasn't worked.

I was watching a boys 8/9 yr old soccer practice and there was one kid who clearly was SN - he couldn't pay attention, off in his own world, running away down the field , etc. The poor coach had his hands full trying to get through just a few minutes of instruction and drill with the kids before he had to run off and redirect that one kid. It appeared eveyrone involved was frustrated with the situation - the kids who got little practice time, the coach, even the SN kid. So yeah, I think plenty of parents view it as free babysitting.

[Anonymous]

I loved the fantasy of free babysitting but quickly saw that wasn't happening. I spent all the practices w my kid. Then we quit.

[Anonymous]

It's obvious that for some kids with SN that regular soccer games will not work for them. Maybe a soccer team where they're paired up with high school students and have more one-on-one attention may work better. Does anyone know whatever happened to Stoddert league? They announced on this board that they were thinking about creating something like this.

But for OP's issue, the physically aggressive kid should be thrown out of the game and sidelined/sent home. Red carded like any other player. It sounds like the coaches are ignoring the behaviors b/c the kid has SNs.

[Anonymous]

^Not helpful to the SN kid or anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's the desire (although unrealistic) that your child can/should be able to do everything NT children do or denial of the full extent of your child's issues.

[Anonymous]

Why is it that parents of NT kids come on here to bash our children? Its very kind of all of you -- too kind in my opinion --to be so tolerant here, but go back in reread OP's posts. She doesn't care if the child has special needs or is Swedish or whatever, yet she comes to the SN forum and puts SN in the title. And then someone chimes in about anotherchild with SN. What to do about the scourge of children with SN?

The solution here is so obvious that I can't believe OP missed it. I really think she just wanted to vent about our kids. Hey OP, if you don't care what the child is (and please pay attention to PP who suggested more gently than I would have that our children have special needs, they aren't special needs) then why are you here?

Not that it matters but I have one child with ADHD and another with both ADHD and AS and neither have ever hit another child or acted violently in any way. I know that some kids with SN get frustrated and it happens, but its also a stereotype. A stereotype that OP is happy to perpetuate.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's strange how these threads become a deluge of anecdotes about how "I once met a Special Needs kid who...[insert bad behavior or random gripe]."

Are we supposed to apologize or care that your child had a single bad encounter with a child you feel was Special Needs?

[Anonymous]

OP, first of all, I am sorry your child is being hit. This is not acceptable in any way.

However, nobody--how can I stress this??--ABSOLUTELY NOBODY thinks that special needs kids get a free pass on aggression. If the child's parents are looking the other way, pretending not to notice, well, my guess is that it is because they are exhausted, desperate to find a social group for child, thrilled that child finally loves an activity, happy he falls asleep so quickly after soccer practice [insert any number of other possibilities]. If you you are sympathetic to the parents' feelings, and can understand that their parenting job is tremendously harder than that of most people, maybe you can reach out to them and talk to them. I can assure you, though, that the parents do not expect that.

(Let me say, so you know where I am coming from, that I have one child with ADHD inattentive and anxiety and two neurotypical kids. My child with ADHD has not hit another kid since he was a toddler. So I am not simply identifying with the parents here.)

As many have said, the obvious thing in this situation is to talk to the authority figure. Yes, the coach has it tough and it is awkward and complicated but honestly this is more common than you think. I coach my son's soccer team and we have two "special needs kids" who have some obvious attention issues, one of whom can't be counted on to play, and that can be challenging. There are also two neurotypical kids who are pretty impulsive, throw balls at kids, kick other people's balls away, bump into other kids, and occasionally hit them. It is tough for me to address this with their parents' too! I can tell you that my most challenging situation is with the dad of one of those kids who is incredibly defensive/aggressive himself.

But back to my original point: because it is so patently obvious that NOBODY is okay with aggression coming from any child, it can rub people the wrong way when you seem to assume that this population of parents is. Please also keep in mind that special needs kids are more often the targets of bullies than the perpetrators!

Your premise seems to be that this question has no logical solution when it has some very obvious ones. Think about how something like this would be dealt with in a school situation: the aggression would not be tolerated for a minute; child would be dealt with and disciplined in exactly the same way as neurotypical child. The only sort of accommodation a child with special needs might get is in the intervention beforehand, perhaps some strategies aimed at prevention (maybe child would be redirected at the first sign of trouble; maybe child would get frequent breaks; etc etc). Of course, understandably a volunteer coach is in no position to accommodate like this and the child's parents are clearly not doing their job. I understand that this has created a very tough situation for you. Please address the issue immediately with the coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a troll? It's not clear if you're actually looking for advice or simply looking to stir up reactions.

If not, how do you know the child has SN - did the parent explain his condition at all to you?

Either way, any sane responsible parent would simply talk to the coach before advising their child to strike another child.

Why do you automatically think "troll" when someone calls out bad behavior by a SN child? I think most people's tolerance ends where their own children's safety begins.

[Anonymous]

Have we even confirmed this child has SN. My son has ADHD and everybody wants him on his team because he scores.

I don't even think this is real. The kid is a brat not SN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's strange how these threads become a deluge of anecdotes about how "I once met a Special Needs kid who...[insert bad behavior or random gripe]."

Are we supposed to apologize or care that your child had a single bad encounter with a child you feel was Special Needs?

No, but removing that chip from your shoulder and considering how others perceive this behavior rather than displaying the dismissiveness above would be a good start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a troll? It's not clear if you're actually looking for advice or simply looking to stir up reactions.

If not, how do you know the child has SN - did the parent explain his condition at all to you?

Either way, any sane responsible parent would simply talk to the coach before advising their child to strike another child.

Why do you automatically think "troll" when someone calls out bad behavior by a SN child? I think most people's tolerance ends where their own children's safety begins.

Not the PP you're responding to but someone who agrees with her. The reason 'troll' was thrown out is because this is not a special needs issue and the solution is wildly apparent. The OP has indicated she doesn't care if the kids is SN, Swedish, etc. yet she felt the SN forum was the appropriate place to post. And, as we on the SN Forum has seen all too often, other parents start chiming in with their ancedotes about 'there's this one time, this SN kid,....' and they start bashing all SN kids. Why would OP post to this forum first rather than contacting the coach? This sounds like trollish behavior to me and is certainly not the norm on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's strange how these threads become a deluge of anecdotes about how "I once met a Special Needs kid who...[insert bad behavior or random gripe]."

Are we supposed to apologize or care that your child had a single bad encounter with a child you feel was Special Needs?

No, but removing that chip from your shoulder and considering how others perceive this behavior rather than displaying the dismissiveness above would be a good start.

Maybe you need to remove the chip from your should and consider the fact that your perception is WRONG.

[Anonymous]

OP: many of us have been in this position. The coach cannot do much because he is not a professional, he is just a volunteer. If he tries to do something, he will be labelled as not understanding the special needs of the SNs kid. So he stays out of it. The rest of the team just plays around him the best they can and the SN mother goes home "happy" because her SN had the "experience" Professionals in SN know that a child can be SN and a real brat at the same time, and they know what to do about it. It is a very awkward situation. To the PP above: this is how the normal parents feel when the whole activity is disrupted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's strange how these threads become a deluge of anecdotes about how "I once met a Special Needs kid who...[insert bad behavior or random gripe]."

Are we supposed to apologize or care that your child had a single bad encounter with a child you feel was Special Needs?

No, but removing that chip from your shoulder and considering how others perceive this behavior rather than displaying the dismissiveness above would be a good start.

I've seen your posts on other threads and you seem to enjoy telling SN moms that they have a chip on their shoulder. Says more about you, really.