Special Needs Child Bully on Soccer Team

[Anonymous]

OP,

If the kid was typically developing and shoved your kid more than once what would you do?

It make sense to talk to the coach first regardless if the kid is SN or not.

[Anonymous]

Look for another team. You are not going to solve this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:11 -- so what do you think the solution is? It seems like you are saying between the lines -- these kids cant be controlled, and shouldnt be around our NT kids. Thats fine if thats how you feel, but you shld say it.

I cant speak for the upset mother of the ADHD kid punching your child, but i can say these delimmas are really, really hard. Nobody knows the answer. As a parent of a SN child and a NT, i dont allow my SN child to behave in these ways, but also feel bad for him bc i know how difficult it is to control himself.

I am not 10:11 but I would say the solution is:

* a parent must remain at every practice with the child and most actively discipline their child
* 3 strikes and the child goes home rule during any practice or game that is immediately enforced. Any drama or tantrum that ensues is the parents responsibility to deal with.
* a probation period of 1 month - then the coach and the parent can decide if the child is really gaining anything from the experience - can the child follow the rules and practices - or does he just run off an do his own thing, etc

Too many parents with the ADHD kids are looking at sports practices and games as free babysitting and a break for themselves neither of which it is. They also do not take into account often enough that the meds their child received in the morning are now wearing off (or they do take this into account and simply don't want to deal with the kid during that time period)

[Anonymous]

Calling this child a bully solves nothing. Your child may rightly FEEL bullied but that isn't the child's intent. And why assume he has ADHD?

I agree this child has to -- has to-- leave practice whenever he physically confronts another child inappropriately. But it's up to the coach to enforce that rule, just as he would with any other player! Where is the coach in this scenario? Why is he not jumping on this kid, like he would any other kid, for fighting? Bad coach.

[Anonymous]

To the intelligent and mature responses, thank you very much. No, not a troll; I don't even know what that means on this forum. I hadn't brought it up to the coach, because it seemed obvious. Parents were talking about it on the sidelines and the coaches would look at each other every time something happened, so I thought they were just turning a blind eye. I was hoping it would work itself out. Anyway, I did just send him a note and here was his response.

"Thanks for letting me know. I did not see this happen, otherwise I would have stepped in myself. I am pretty sure I know who you are probably talking about though. I will watch out for this from now on, and I will take steps to minimize the chance of this occurring again by keeping the two boys apart. If I see it, I will step in. If you see it and I do not, please bring it to my attention immediately and by that i mean at that very moment. I will stop what I am doing and I will take care of it. There is no room for this type of behavior at all.

Again, thanks for bringing it to my attention."

[Anonymous]

At least you got a reasonable response. Pushing, shoving, hitting etc and other unacceptable behaviors have to be dealt with immediately when it occurs and it sounds like it's been going on for awhile. I agree it's bad coaching. Hopefully, the next time this happens there will be an adequate response (from the coach) and consequences for the aggressor.

[Anonymous]

I am open to hearing recommended best practices from the parent of the physically aggressive child. Really.

I don't know why this was posted in the SN forum because it's not an SN issue. Physical agression shouldn't be tolerated. SNs can sometimes explain behavior but it doesn't excuse it.

[Anonymous]

<<Too many parents with the ADHD kids are looking at sports practices and games as free babysitting and a break for themselves neither of which it is.>>

PP -- how do you know this?

I have a SN kid. Sports practice is not free babysitting -- its a lot of work for me. School is free babysitting. Therapy appointments is expensive babysitting. Sports practice and birthday parties -- stuff thats free babysitting for NT kids -- is not babysitting for SN parents. Its more work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No need for abbreviations OP. Have you heard of "person first" language? If you want to be sensitive and respectful, try saying, "a child with special needs" instead of objectifying and essentializing this child as having no value, identity, or purpose than to embody needs. Sounds like this is a child with a heart and a mind who may be overwhelmed or unable to play at the same level and is either frustrated or lacking skills in joining appropriately. I agree you should speak with them.

NP here. Given that OP can't address the real issue by suggesting that maybe this kid is at the point to be playing on this soccer team (because then she would be an exclusionary a-hole, right?) and that she's already talked to the parent, what should she be saying to the coach?

[Anonymous]

^It's not up to the OP other than to bring it up to the coach's attention. The coach should be addressing the aggression.

[Anonymous]

Punishment alone does not work for some kids. The learn better through positive reinforcement and direct instruction of skills. Could say to coach: "What can we do to help this child be more successful and intergrated so he doesn't resort to hitting other kids. And if you don't mind, I've told my child to keep a distance from him on the field until the boy is better able to manage on the field. I think it's great that there are all kinds of kids on the field and I certainly wouldn't want this boy to not play soccer--I just want to know what we can do to make it work for everybody. I spoke with his mom and she seems nice and on board to support him in every way."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<Too many parents with the ADHD kids are looking at sports practices and games as free babysitting and a break for themselves neither of which it is.>>

PP -- how do you know this?

I have a SN kid. Sports practice is not free babysitting -- its a lot of work for me. School is free babysitting. Therapy appointments is expensive babysitting. Sports practice and birthday parties -- stuff thats free babysitting for NT kids -- is not babysitting for SN parents. Its more work.

Only if the parents do the work, which it sounds like you do and maybe the parents that OP is dealing with do not.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have my sympathies. I have a son with ASD who is moderately verbal and due to the nature of his schooling, gets very little exposure to typical peers. When he is around my friends' kids, he's comfortable enough--he doesn't need to be included in what they do. But he does have personal space issues and he doesn't want to share his space with others. He doesn't understand many rules to social interactions yet.

I usually end up keeping a very close eye on him at gatherings. My friends are all supportive and try to make him comfortable, but he'll still push if he feels his space was intruded on.

I wonder if that's what's going on with the child who pushes your son? Would it help if you told your son to keep a certain amount of space, or does the child go after your kid wihtout provocation?

[Anonymous]

My DH is a coach for this age and it a hard situation. He volunteered but has a hard time keeping the young boys focused as it is. He has a hard time knowing how to handle the special needs child on his team. And this isn't the first time there has been a special needs child on one of his teams. He has a hard time trying to teach the kids soccer moves as it is, and it makes practices and games difficult. He really doesn't know what the solution is at this age though. It's very frustrating. Often the parents don't pay attention during practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Punishment alone does not work for some kids. The learn better through positive reinforcement and direct instruction of skills. Could say to coach: "What can we do to help this child be more successful and intergrated so he doesn't resort to hitting other kids. And if you don't mind, I've told my child to keep a distance from him on the field until the boy is better able to manage on the field. I think it's great that there are all kinds of kids on the field and I certainly wouldn't want this boy to not play soccer--I just want to know what we can do to make it work for everybody. I spoke with his mom and she seems nice and on board to support him in every way."

Up to a point. I have a SN kid and I would not tolerate him getting hit by another kid, SN or not, while the physical aggression is being remediated.