Husband pays for sister's vacations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a good guy. He is a doctor and I am a nurse- together we make about $230K. My BIL is also a doctor but his wife (my husband's sister) is a SAHM. Their HHI is probably around $180K. They have three kids, we have two. My husband and I have separate checking accounts and credit cards. Basically he pays for the mortgage, major expenses, etc and I pay for daycare and fun stuff (cable, vacations, etc). My IL's are always complaining how poor their daughter is because her husband only makes $180K, and they have three private school tuitions and live in a small very expensive house. I don't feel sorry for them because they choose to live in that house, send the kids to those schools, and for her to not work (she has two degrees is just not interested in working, not because she is disabled). We live in a small house, send our kids to daycare, and I work full time.

We recently went on vacation with my M/FILs, my BIL/SIL and their three kids. The BIL/SIL were almost not going to come because the flights and hotels were going to be "too expensive." I had purchased the tickets for our family two months ago with my own cc. I see in my husband's CC statement last night that he paid for their hotel and their plane tickets. Their plane tickets were $1000 more than ours because of the third kid and the late purchase. This isn't the first time he has paid for something for them because they've whined about cost.

Clearly this is a DH issue, not an IL issue. I know that. I need to know how to discuss this with him for it infuriates me. I have no problem with him being generous to family- I just wish he would tell me. I feel he doesn't tell me because he knows it pisses me off. It makes me feel like the money I make to purchase things for our family doesn't mean anything- if anything it makes him feel more ok to spend his money on them. Why am I working if we are funding her to be a SAHM?

You don't sound very nice OP. Would it make you feel better if your SIL left that pesky third child home instead? And I missed something, is your DH cutting them a check every month to cover expenses? Or is he just treating them to a nice vacation that they otherwise couldn't afford? If it just vacations then I don't see how this is funding her ability to be a SAHM. Maybe your DH enjoys having his family around and wants to include everyone. I think you just want to be able to go on these fabulous vacations and then rub it in SILs nose that she couldn't afford to go. And you answered your own question as to why he doesn't tell you. It pisses you off, and then you will sulk and make every one's life miserable. I suggest you quit working, become a SAHM and then your family will not be able to afford these luxurious things. In reality, you have been blessed with a wonderful DH who is generous and kind.

Bullshit. Her SIL can certainly afford a vacation at 180K HHI, but she's prioritizing staying at home in an expensive house and sending three kids to private school over vacations. It's fine to do that, but you can't cry poor if you've got money for private school for three kinds PLUS you choose not to work.

The difference in their household incomes is not great -- basically, it's $2,000 a month. So OP's husband essentially chose to spend a couple of months' worth of this WIFE's income on his sister's self indulgence. He's using his wife's labor to subsidize his sister sitting on her ass at home while her kids are at school all day.

That's not being generous. That's being a patsy. And it's completely disrespectful of his wife. She's going to grey mad about this for good reason!!!!

It's one thing if one couple hit Lotto and wants to treat the other. But SIL's family lives in luxury, works less, and cries poor. OP's family lives more frugally and works harder. Why should they subsidize laziness and self-indulgence? I would FLIP if my husband did this.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Think about your deathbed. You are diagnosed with cancer - you have a year to live, max. Are you going to be happier because you fought about this issue and perhaps even divorced over it? Or are you going to think it was a stupid issue that did not matter in the scheme of things? I suspect the latter. Leave it be. Every single family puts a toll on future relationships, be it emotional, monetary, measured by time, or whatever. You can't take the money with you. Hopefully your progeny will be adept at supporting themselves (if they aren't you should actually worry about leaving them $$). I say let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes a substantial amount of money, in the seven figures, and we feel very fortunate for that. He works extremely hard and does not have much free time at all, resulting in us usually only having one annual vacation in the summer. DHs family is spread out all over the world. So we usually rent a large house somewhere and pay for it and tell everyone in my family and his fami,y they are invite. They need to pay to get there but we pay the house, which usually comes with a housekeeper so it is like staying in a hotel. we often pick up the check when we eat at restaurant or do a large activity that costs money like go to the movies or a museum or rent a boat. We have been doing this for a few years and it was working well until some family members, who don't make the best financial decisions, started asking for money for new clothes for holiday, soending money, etc. these relatives are not poor, not poor at all. We started to feel like a bank. And that we were subsidizing others' poor financial decisions.

In the end, bc DH really wanted large family vacations I usually let it go. Life is short, family is important, don't let the big picture get away from you.

Can you adopt me as a sibling?

[Anonymous]

When I get feeling this way, I reflect on the story of the prodigal son and try to let the feeling go.

[Anonymous]

23:50 - THIS.

My SIL is the SAME way. She thinks we owe her. She can suck it, frankly. She was never grateful for anything we gave her, so we cut her off. Problem solved. We have our own kids to provide for. You are simply too nice. You need to cut her off. Talk to your husband about this. He can blame you if you agree, but something has got to be done.

DH is good to his abusive family. I want nothing to do with it. I don't participate. Nor does he give them money any more. Problem solved.

Who will be there for you if you need it OP? Not the SIL, I guarantee it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a married couple ever truly has his and her money, even if they keep their accounts separate, unless they plan to divorce. It's family money, and this man is spending the equivalent of a couple of months of his wife's hard work on his spoiled, entitled sister. Even if it comes from his account, it's money that now won't be invested in their immediate family.

OP, I agree with you that your orob is your DH, and the solution is having a joint budget and making joint decisions about major purchases. It does sound like a v weird dynamic with his sister, though. Flowers and spa treatments? Does he treat you to the same? B/c raising two kids while working full time as a nurse seems WAY harder than raising three kids who are school aged while staying at home. Way, way harder.

I am not sure I agree with this. We have a similar arrangement. We have a household budget account and we each have separate accounts. My DH is an avid golfer. He estimates that he spends $3000 of his own money on golf - ot counting the 1-2 golf trips he takes annually. I have also have personal hobbies. I would not consider his golf money and my hobby money "investment in my immediate family." Now, if DH wants to take his $3000 golf budget and pay for his sisters' vacation, I am not sure it would bother me. After all, per pur arrangement, that is is his personal money to spend as he pleases. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a married couple ever truly has his and her money, even if they keep their accounts separate, unless they plan to divorce. It's family money, and this man is spending the equivalent of a couple of months of his wife's hard work on his spoiled, entitled sister. Even if it comes from his account, it's money that now won't be invested in their immediate family.

OP, I agree with you that your orob is your DH, and the solution is having a joint budget and making joint decisions about major purchases. It does sound like a v weird dynamic with his sister, though. Flowers and spa treatments? Does he treat you to the same? B/c raising two kids while working full time as a nurse seems WAY harder than raising three kids who are school aged while staying at home. Way, way harder.

I am not sure I agree with this. We have a similar arrangement. We have a household budget account and we each have separate accounts. My DH is an avid golfer. He estimates that he spends $3000 of his own money on golf - ot counting the 1-2 golf trips he takes annually. I have also have personal hobbies. I would not consider his golf money and my hobby money "investment in my immediate family." Now, if DH wants to take his $3000 golf budget and pay for his sisters' vacation, I am not sure it would bother me. After all, per pur arrangement, that is is his personal money to spend as he pleases. Right?

+1. People need some freedom to do what they want, even in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

I agree people need some financial freedom, and I know couples all do it differently. DH and I have a joint budget but each get an equal amount of "fun money" every month. We also have a joint "family obligations" line in our budget to pay for things like birthday and Xmas gifts for my nephews and DH's niece, birthdays for our parents, travel costs for family visits, etc.

If my husband used his "fun money" to pay for his sister, tht would be fine, I guess. It would prob still annoy me if she cried poor like OP's SIL while splurging on private school, spas, etc. but DH and I don't comment on or audit each itger's fun money.

OP's husband did much worse, I think. He didn't even tell her. They're not SO rich that thousands of dollars isn't significant.

I guess it's hard for me to fathom a martiage where each side spends thousands without telling the other, but to each his/her own, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother makes five times the money we do. He has always included us in vacations every few years. I started picking up on little things from my SIL. She would make comments about how much more expensive the place was because of the extra people. How much more the food was etc. Then my 4yo nephew told me that I couldn't use the swimming pool because his dad paid for it and we were too poor. Of course my nephew heard this from his bitter mother, so that was the end of us joining them. My brother still invites us and is very sad that we decline. I don't need my super superior SIL lording it over me. The sad thing is, we never see them anymore. SIL actually has tried to smooth things over, but we still decline.

Have you and your SIL talked about the specific issue?
It's too bad that the families don't get together anymore. If you have children, don't you want them to know their cousin, uncle and aunt? Is there a way you guys could work out paying for a less expensive joint vacation, or maybe pay pro-rated amounts based on your HHI? Do you SAH and your SIL works, like the OP, and do you think that's a factor? If you love your brother and want to see your nephew, maybe there's a way for you to get past this. I hope so!

[Anonymous]

OP,

You have to accept this. If you try to get him to change course now, it's going to become something bigger. He might resent you. If he stops being generous, his sister will suspect it's due to your involvement. I agree that it's odd, the way your discovered, the DH's sister's bellyaching about finances while shopping at Nordstrom's, etc. But what makes sense? Him stopping? I never told my ex what to do with his money when we were married. (He had more than me.) When people are being generous, they are doing it in part for themselves. Maybe SIL's husband is a tightwad and this is the only way DH can have a big family vacation. Maybe there's stuff about their marriage to which you are not privy. My advice: Acceptance. FYI: My marriage broke up due to an in-law situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The irritating part here is that your ILs CAN afford vacation, but choose not to allocate their money in order to do so. It's sort of like they're saying that they value their home and lifestyle more than you (which is fine, their nuclear family comes first) and can't spend time with you unless you pick up the bill.

Imagine a couple where the woman makes 60k and the man makes 40. Each individual can afford to go out to dinner, but the man is only willing to go out to dinner when the woman pays and it's a really nice place.

There are many posters on here who make what her ILs do and they say they are living paycheck to paycheck. Not everyone making 180K could afford to fly a family of five for a week long vacation. who knows what their life circumstances are. And OP isn't picking up the bill - her husband is and they don't share their finances.

Wow, moocher much?
What a stupid POV. Just because they chose to have separate accounts doesn't mean they don't have joint obligations and expenses. These are money that he's taking away from his household, his family, his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother makes five times the money we do. He has always included us in vacations every few years. I started picking up on little things from my SIL. She would make comments about how much more expensive the place was because of the extra people. How much more the food was etc. Then my 4yo nephew told me that I couldn't use the swimming pool because his dad paid for it and we were too poor. Of course my nephew heard this from his bitter mother, so that was the end of us joining them. My brother still invites us and is very sad that we decline. I don't need my super superior SIL lording it over me. The sad thing is, we never see them anymore. SIL actually has tried to smooth things over, but we still decline.

Just because your brother makes more money doesn't mean you are entitled to him paying for your family. sounds like you were mooching. His wife got upset. Why don't you work it out, especially if she is trying to make peace. Family is complicated, after all those years of your brother paying you don't get together with him anymore because he doesn't pays. Sounds like you are the super superior one.

Yeah well I never said I was entitled to anything. He invited us, and we accepted. Hardly mooching, in fact look that word up. We contributed for food and entertainment, and we also gave them a gift card as a thank you. Lol, I never asked for a thing. Why in the hell would I work it out? Especially since you say I was mooching, and obviously that is what my SIL thinks as well? The thing is, people like my SIL and OP have fun bitching and moaning about the money being spent, but they forget how much fun we have. And once we stopped going, my SIL was very sad, and realized what a bitch she had been. I will NEVER go on another brother financed vacation, we will just keep going on our affordable, fun vacations, and they are welcome to join us.

Wow. Did you ever invite them to your affordable vacations? Did you ever offer to pay for the trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would celebrate the fact that your hubby cares about his family...all of it, including his sis and his nieces/nephews. So he spent a couple thousand dollars. No biggie. His sis and hubby only make $180K and send their kids to a private so there is probably not much left over. We make 200K and have only 1 kid in a very expensive private and it is hard. So I believe them when they say that they can't afford the vacation.

Anyhow I suspect you have money issues anyhow if you keep private bank accounts. It's a pity.

You are quite condescending. How many family vacations have you subsidized?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a married couple ever truly has his and her money, even if they keep their accounts separate, unless they plan to divorce. It's family money, and this man is spending the equivalent of a couple of months of his wife's hard work on his spoiled, entitled sister. Even if it comes from his account, it's money that now won't be invested in their immediate family.

OP, I agree with you that your orob is your DH, and the solution is having a joint budget and making joint decisions about major purchases. It does sound like a v weird dynamic with his sister, though. Flowers and spa treatments? Does he treat you to the same? B/c raising two kids while working full time as a nurse seems WAY harder than raising three kids who are school aged while staying at home. Way, way harder.

So true. If he truly has money to burn, why not save it for his kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about your deathbed. You are diagnosed with cancer - you have a year to live, max. Are you going to be happier because you fought about this issue and perhaps even divorced over it? Or are you going to think it was a stupid issue that did not matter in the scheme of things? I suspect the latter. Leave it be. Every single family puts a toll on future relationships, be it emotional, monetary, measured by time, or whatever. You can't take the money with you. Hopefully your progeny will be adept at supporting themselves (if they aren't you should actually worry about leaving them $$). I say let it go.

If she was on her death bed, her SIL probably would not be that supportive. I say cut her off.