Husband pays for sister's vacations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Users always find suckers. Always.

[Anonymous]

I am a DW and I always pay for my brother to join us on our family vacations. We just have more money and he wouldn't be able to go if we didn't. My husband doesn't LIKE it and would prefer my brother pay his own way but he is gracious and understands why it is important to me.

[Anonymous]

Seeing as you keep your finances separate, what difference does it make to you if he uses his money to pay for his sister's vacation? AS long as he is uploading his end of the financial responsibilities as you have laid divided them then his 'spending' money is his to spend. You aren't hurting for money.

You do sound jealous or just bitter in general.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I cannot believe the vitriol from the previous PP.

I understand you, OP. I would not agree to fund my sister in law's vacation if all she does is stay at home and eat bonbons.
She wants to go on vacation, let her work for it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you SIL is a mooch and a jerk and a whiner. That said, your husband sounds like a sweetheart. It's obviously important to him that his kids know their cousins and his sister and that they have good memories of spending time with them. Just roll your eyes and let it go. It's not bad that your kids get to spend time with their cousins and if your DH wants to pay for it, then let him.

Focus on the fact that your husband is a peach, not that your SIL is a mooch. Focus on your kids getting time to spend with their cousins on vacation, not your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seeing as you keep your finances separate, what difference does it make to you if he uses his money to pay for his sister's vacation? AS long as he is uploading his end of the financial responsibilities as you have laid divided them then his 'spending' money is his to spend. You aren't hurting for money.

You do sound jealous or just bitter in general.

I agree. If your ILs are unable to afford the vacation but it's important to your DH that they come, I see no problem with this. From your post, it doesn't sound like they are living beyond their means and that these are expensive vacations.

[Anonymous]

The irritating part here is that your ILs CAN afford vacation, but choose not to allocate their money in order to do so. It's sort of like they're saying that they value their home and lifestyle more than you (which is fine, their nuclear family comes first) and can't spend time with you unless you pick up the bill.

Imagine a couple where the woman makes 60k and the man makes 40. Each individual can afford to go out to dinner, but the man is only willing to go out to dinner when the woman pays and it's a really nice place.

[Anonymous]

Wonder if the handouts for the SIL will ever end...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother makes five times the money we do. He has always included us in vacations every few years. I started picking up on little things from my SIL. She would make comments about how much more expensive the place was because of the extra people. How much more the food was etc. Then my 4yo nephew told me that I couldn't use the swimming pool because his dad paid for it and we were too poor. Of course my nephew heard this from his bitter mother, so that was the end of us joining them. My brother still invites us and is very sad that we decline. I don't need my super superior SIL lording it over me. The sad thing is, we never see them anymore. SIL actually has tried to smooth things over, but we still decline.

Just because your brother makes more money doesn't mean you are entitled to him paying for your family. sounds like you were mooching. His wife got upset. Why don't you work it out, especially if she is trying to make peace. Family is complicated, after all those years of your brother paying you don't get together with him anymore because he doesn't pays. Sounds like you are the super superior one.

[Montana]

I have the solution OP: why don't you pay ME the cost of airline tix for our family trip this summer? That way, you will be even with your husband, and, we get to our vacation quicker? Jokes aside, you never mentioned: were the vacations more or less fun with your BIL/SIL there??

[Anonymous]

Your SIL chose to prioritize her family finances a certain way. She chose education for her kids over a big house, for example. She also chooses not to spend their income on vacations. Sounds pretty responsible to me.

Your DH, sounds like a great brother. He would rather foot the bill than not have his sisters family included on a family vacation. How many times to we see people blast families for spending money on vacations instead of things like education?

You sound really judgmental. And there is a huge difference between the costs for childcare and after care for 2 kids vs 3. Many families of 3 kids find it more economical for one parent to stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The irritating part here is that your ILs CAN afford vacation, but choose not to allocate their money in order to do so. It's sort of like they're saying that they value their home and lifestyle more than you (which is fine, their nuclear family comes first) and can't spend time with you unless you pick up the bill.

Imagine a couple where the woman makes 60k and the man makes 40. Each individual can afford to go out to dinner, but the man is only willing to go out to dinner when the woman pays and it's a really nice place.

There are many posters on here who make what her ILs do and they say they are living paycheck to paycheck. Not everyone making 180K could afford to fly a family of five for a week long vacation. who knows what their life circumstances are. And OP isn't picking up the bill - her husband is and they don't share their finances.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate all of the responses! Some answers- my BIL makes more than my husband, but our HHI is higher because I work. SIL stopped working when she was pregnant with #1 10 years ago because it was too hard to work and be pregnant at the same time, and she will never work again, her kids are in school full time now. I don't have an issue with that at all and I don't want to be a SAHM. I like my profession. I enjoy having her kids play with mine and think it's important to spend holidays and vacations together, so I don't have issue with that at all and my children don't know we pay for them nor do theirs. I have an issue with the guilt and whining she pulls on my husband about how they have no $$ all the time, yet she's shopping at Nordstroms and they eat out all the time, etc. She makes herself sound so destitute that my husband sends her flowers for Valentine's Day, spa treatments for Mother's Day and "just because" sometimes because it's so hard taking care of three kids. I'm sure it is, I only have two and it's hard. I have always wondered how this makes my BIL feel (who is incredibly kind). My MIL/FIL enable this too, making comments to my husband about how one income with three kids is scraping by (which I disagree). I just feel like we are supplementing their lifestyle because my husband feels guilty for the choices THEY made.

I need to focus my discussion with him not on them, but how we as a household are spending. If we are going to fund vacations for family members, we should discuss it and budget for it. I'd love to pay for my brother and his family to go on vacation with us! We as a couple need to have a joint financial strategy for our household, something we should have done before we got married. We need to have an understanding, especially at a certain $ amount like some of you have suggested.

[Anonymous]

I"m with DH on this one. Yes, maybe his family has made poor choices, but DH is doing what he can to bring family together. Call it charity if you want, but I thikn it's a good thing.

Also, you have separate accounts, and presumably you can each do what you like with teh "extra" money on the account, so it's not impacting your family budget.

In terms of how DH can spend his extra money, that seems like one of the best possible ways to spend it -- on family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all of the responses! Some answers- my BIL makes more than my husband, but our HHI is higher because I work. SIL stopped working when she was pregnant with #1 10 years ago because it was too hard to work and be pregnant at the same time, and she will never work again, her kids are in school full time now. I don't have an issue with that at all and I don't want to be a SAHM. I like my profession. I enjoy having her kids play with mine and think it's important to spend holidays and vacations together, so I don't have issue with that at all and my children don't know we pay for them nor do theirs. I have an issue with the guilt and whining she pulls on my husband about how they have no $$ all the time, yet she's shopping at Nordstroms and they eat out all the time, etc. She makes herself sound so destitute that my husband sends her flowers for Valentine's Day, spa treatments for Mother's Day and "just because" sometimes because it's so hard taking care of three kids. I'm sure it is, I only have two and it's hard. I have always wondered how this makes my BIL feel (who is incredibly kind). My MIL/FIL enable this too, making comments to my husband about how one income with three kids is scraping by (which I disagree). I just feel like we are supplementing their lifestyle because my husband feels guilty for the choices THEY made.

I need to focus my discussion with him not on them, but how we as a household are spending. If we are going to fund vacations for family members, we should discuss it and budget for it. I'd love to pay for my brother and his family to go on vacation with us! We as a couple need to have a joint financial strategy for our household, something we should have done before we got married. We need to have an understanding, especially at a certain $ amount like some of you have suggested.

This is exactly right. You and your husband need to be making these kind of spending decisions jointly. The issue is not that he gives money to his sister, its that he gives money to his sister without getting your buy in first. You might jointly decide that it is worth spending money on a joint vacation so that the whole family can be together, but this should be something that is discussed, planned out, and balanced against other family needs. And, it is not unreasonable for you to expect that extra money be spent equally on both of your families if that is going to be a family priority.