Husband pays for sister's vacations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I"m with DH on this one. Yes, maybe his family has made poor choices, but DH is doing what he can to bring family together. Call it charity if you want, but I thikn it's a good thing.

Also, you have separate accounts, and presumably you can each do what you like with teh "extra" money on the account, so it's not impacting your family budget.

In terms of how DH can spend his extra money, that seems like one of the best possible ways to spend it -- on family.

He should discuss it with the OP before he starts spending his money on charity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother makes five times the money we do. He has always included us in vacations every few years. I started picking up on little things from my SIL. She would make comments about how much more expensive the place was because of the extra people. How much more the food was etc. Then my 4yo nephew told me that I couldn't use the swimming pool because his dad paid for it and we were too poor. Of course my nephew heard this from his bitter mother, so that was the end of us joining them. My brother still invites us and is very sad that we decline. I don't need my super superior SIL lording it over me. The sad thing is, we never see them anymore. SIL actually has tried to smooth things over, but we still decline.

Just because your brother makes more money doesn't mean you are entitled to him paying for your family. sounds like you were mooching. His wife got upset. Why don't you work it out, especially if she is trying to make peace. Family is complicated, after all those years of your brother paying you don't get together with him anymore because he doesn't pays. Sounds like you are the super superior one.

No, her brother values family and puts his money where his values are. I would do the same for my siblings if they would let me. It sucks when my siblings don't come because they can't afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all of the responses! Some answers- my BIL makes more than my husband, but our HHI is higher because I work. SIL stopped working when she was pregnant with #1 10 years ago because it was too hard to work and be pregnant at the same time, and she will never work again, her kids are in school full time now. I don't have an issue with that at all and I don't want to be a SAHM. I like my profession. I enjoy having her kids play with mine and think it's important to spend holidays and vacations together, so I don't have issue with that at all and my children don't know we pay for them nor do theirs. I have an issue with the guilt and whining she pulls on my husband about how they have no $$ all the time, yet she's shopping at Nordstroms and they eat out all the time, etc. She makes herself sound so destitute that my husband sends her flowers for Valentine's Day, spa treatments for Mother's Day and "just because" sometimes because it's so hard taking care of three kids. I'm sure it is, I only have two and it's hard. I have always wondered how this makes my BIL feel (who is incredibly kind). My MIL/FIL enable this too, making comments to my husband about how one income with three kids is scraping by (which I disagree). I just feel like we are supplementing their lifestyle because my husband feels guilty for the choices THEY made.

I need to focus my discussion with him not on them, but how we as a household are spending. If we are going to fund vacations for family members, we should discuss it and budget for it. I'd love to pay for my brother and his family to go on vacation with us! We as a couple need to have a joint financial strategy for our household, something we should have done before we got married. We need to have an understanding, especially at a certain $ amount like some of you have suggested.

This is exactly right. You and your husband need to be making these kind of spending decisions jointly. The issue is not that he gives money to his sister, its that he gives money to his sister without getting your buy in first. You might jointly decide that it is worth spending money on a joint vacation so that the whole family can be together, but this should be something that is discussed, planned out, and balanced against other family needs. And, it is not unreasonable for you to expect that extra money be spent equally on both of your families if that is going to be a family priority.

It doesn't sound like they ever had a joint financial or family money - they each had their own money and paid certain set things. If that is the case then the husband and OP can spend their own money on whatever they want once their own family responsibilities are accounted for. If he wants to spend 100% of his discretionary income on his sister, then he should be able to. until they have an 'our' money rather than 'mine and yours' money, the husband's money is his to spend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother makes five times the money we do. He has always included us in vacations every few years. I started picking up on little things from my SIL. She would make comments about how much more expensive the place was because of the extra people. How much more the food was etc. Then my 4yo nephew told me that I couldn't use the swimming pool because his dad paid for it and we were too poor. Of course my nephew heard this from his bitter mother, so that was the end of us joining them. My brother still invites us and is very sad that we decline. I don't need my super superior SIL lording it over me. The sad thing is, we never see them anymore. SIL actually has tried to smooth things over, but we still decline.

Just because your brother makes more money doesn't mean you are entitled to him paying for your family. sounds like you were mooching. His wife got upset. Why don't you work it out, especially if she is trying to make peace. Family is complicated, after all those years of your brother paying you don't get together with him anymore because he doesn't pays. Sounds like you are the super superior one.

Yeah well I never said I was entitled to anything. He invited us, and we accepted. Hardly mooching, in fact look that word up. We contributed for food and entertainment, and we also gave them a gift card as a thank you. Lol, I never asked for a thing. Why in the hell would I work it out? Especially since you say I was mooching, and obviously that is what my SIL thinks as well? The thing is, people like my SIL and OP have fun bitching and moaning about the money being spent, but they forget how much fun we have. And once we stopped going, my SIL was very sad, and realized what a bitch she had been. I will NEVER go on another brother financed vacation, we will just keep going on our affordable, fun vacations, and they are welcome to join us.

[Anonymous]

All of you are so petty and ridiculous. You are insanely lucky to even have family at all, for your children to have cousins, to have siblings that want to vacation together. It is just stupid to argue over who is right and who is wrong, money does that to you. The person with more money feels one way, why is it not as valid as the way the person without feels. Instead, people are digging in their heels and refusing to try to understand the other side. And who suffers the most, your children, you should be ashamed,

Signed, a person who would give absolutely anything for my children to have one single cousin, much less aunt or uncle that was actively involved in their lives, I would be ecstatic to have a family vacation with extended family. You don't know how lucky you have it and are willing to throw it all away because of your pride and you don't get along with your SIL, but you admit the vacations were super fun. get over yourself, inlaws not getting along is the oldest story in the book. Make amends, thank your lucky stars you have family and start getting all the kids back together. Kids say stupid stuff, we all say stupid stuff, it is human nature. You are lucky to even have this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all of the responses! Some answers- my BIL makes more than my husband, but our HHI is higher because I work. SIL stopped working when she was pregnant with #1 10 years ago because it was too hard to work and be pregnant at the same time, and she will never work again, her kids are in school full time now. I don't have an issue with that at all and I don't want to be a SAHM. I like my profession. I enjoy having her kids play with mine and think it's important to spend holidays and vacations together, so I don't have issue with that at all and my children don't know we pay for them nor do theirs. I have an issue with the guilt and whining she pulls on my husband about how they have no $$ all the time, yet she's shopping at Nordstroms and they eat out all the time, etc. She makes herself sound so destitute that my husband sends her flowers for Valentine's Day, spa treatments for Mother's Day and "just because" sometimes because it's so hard taking care of three kids. I'm sure it is, I only have two and it's hard. I have always wondered how this makes my BIL feel (who is incredibly kind). My MIL/FIL enable this too, making comments to my husband about how one income with three kids is scraping by (which I disagree). I just feel like we are supplementing their lifestyle because my husband feels guilty for the choices THEY made.

I need to focus my discussion with him not on them, but how we as a household are spending. If we are going to fund vacations for family members, we should discuss it and budget for it. I'd love to pay for my brother and his family to go on vacation with us! We as a couple need to have a joint financial strategy for our household, something we should have done before we got married. We need to have an understanding, especially at a certain $ amount like some of you have suggested.

This is exactly right. You and your husband need to be making these kind of spending decisions jointly. The issue is not that he gives money to his sister, its that he gives money to his sister without getting your buy in first. You might jointly decide that it is worth spending money on a joint vacation so that the whole family can be together, but this should be something that is discussed, planned out, and balanced against other family needs. And, it is not unreasonable for you to expect that extra money be spent equally on both of your families if that is going to be a family priority.

It doesn't sound like they ever had a joint financial or family money - they each had their own money and paid certain set things. If that is the case then the husband and OP can spend their own money on whatever they want once their own family responsibilities are accounted for. If he wants to spend 100% of his discretionary income on his sister, then he should be able to. until they have an 'our' money rather than 'mine and yours' money, the husband's money is his to spend.

But, that is the point. The OP and her husband have a family money culture that the OP isn't happy with. Therefore, she should talk to her husband and come up with a new way for them to communicate about money. It isn't healthy for a married couple to have joint financial responsibilities but not have a joint decision making process for how money is spent. They might decide to pay for the inlaws' vacations after a discussion, but it doesn't work to be doing so behind each other's backs. Maybe the solution needs to be that the extended family vacations closer to home where everyone can drive and everyone can afford to pay their own way. Family time does not need to cost a ton of money and cause people to become dependent on others.

[Anonymous]

There should never be any secrets when you are married to someone. If he is hiding this from you, I bet you he is hiding other things from you as well. Your hubby obviously is not big on honesty + integrity I see.

The issue here is that he is technically lying by not disclosing to you that he is helping his sister out.
He sounds like a nice brother, however for him to do this on the down low is just dishonest in my book.

I really have no pity for a family that makes six figures...esp. 180 +/Annually. They don't HAVE to send their three children to private schools...public schools were free last time I checked. All their bitching and moaning about how things are too expensive make me sick. My God!! They sound so materialistic and shallow. If they want more $$, then the sister can go to work and make it. W/you hubby, her brother giving her money, he is just enabling her to not work. And he is putting his marriage in jeopardy by not disclosing this to you.

I would first and foremost talk to your husband and let him know you are hurt to find out he has been keeping this from you.
Let him know that you both have your own children to care for and he has no business providing for his sister. That is her and her spouse's jobs, not your husbands.

[Anonymous]

I would be pissed off. Someone earning. Almost200k is not a charity.

[Anonymous]

OP: You and your family have too much money and too much self-absorbtion for your own good. I know of dozens of families that will not get a vacation this year, let alone complain about it. Want to visit the nursing home with us this weekend? oh, didn't think so....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a good guy. He is a doctor and I am a nurse- together we make about $230K. My BIL is also a doctor but his wife (my husband's sister) is a SAHM. Their HHI is probably around $180K. They have three kids, we have two. My husband and I have separate checking accounts and credit cards. Basically he pays for the mortgage, major expenses, etc and I pay for daycare and fun stuff (cable, vacations, etc). My IL's are always complaining how poor their daughter is because her husband only makes $180K, and they have three private school tuitions and live in a small very expensive house. I don't feel sorry for them because they choose to live in that house, send the kids to those schools, and for her to not work (she has two degrees is just not interested in working, not because she is disabled). We live in a small house, send our kids to daycare, and I work full time.

We recently went on vacation with my M/FILs, my BIL/SIL and their three kids. The BIL/SIL were almost not going to come because the flights and hotels were going to be "too expensive." I had purchased the tickets for our family two months ago with my own cc. I see in my husband's CC statement last night that he paid for their hotel and their plane tickets. Their plane tickets were $1000 more than ours because of the third kid and the late purchase. This isn't the first time he has paid for something for them because they've whined about cost.

Clearly this is a DH issue, not an IL issue. I know that. I need to know how to discuss this with him for it infuriates me. I have no problem with him being generous to family- I just wish he would tell me. I feel he doesn't tell me because he knows it pisses me off. It makes me feel like the money I make to purchase things for our family doesn't mean anything- if anything it makes him feel more ok to spend his money on them. Why am I working if we are funding her to be a SAHM?

You don't sound very nice OP. Would it make you feel better if your SIL left that pesky third child home instead? And I missed something, is your DH cutting them a check every month to cover expenses? Or is he just treating them to a nice vacation that they otherwise couldn't afford? If it just vacations then I don't see how this is funding her ability to be a SAHM. Maybe your DH enjoys having his family around and wants to include everyone. I think you just want to be able to go on these fabulous vacations and then rub it in SILs nose that she couldn't afford to go. And you answered your own question as to why he doesn't tell you. It pisses you off, and then you will sulk and make every one's life miserable. I suggest you quit working, become a SAHM and then your family will not be able to afford these luxurious things. In reality, you have been blessed with a wonderful DH who is generous and kind.

-1 I couldn't disagree with you more. He should have spoken with her before he made the purchase. Not doing so for such an expensive purchase and knowing she probabably will have an issue with it is deceitful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: You and your family have too much money and too much self-absorbtion for your own good. I know of dozens of families that will not get a vacation this year, let alone complain about it. Want to visit the nursing home with us this weekend? oh, didn't think so....

What does this have to do with anything? The OP is not talking about how much money or time her family should give to charity. For all we know, they generously support many charities already. What she is talking about is not being comfortable with the idea of her husband giving money to his sister and her family when the two families basically make a similar, quite healthy, annual salary (and would make an even more similar salary if the sister worked) and the sister's family just chooses to spend their money on things other than vacations. I do not understand why so many posters on this thread seem to think that the OP is being stingy because she doesn't see why her husband is giving money to his already well off sister. This is not a case of the OP being mad that her husband is giving too much money to the Boys and Girls club. The OP's family has a comfortable income but is not so rich that money is no object and they can spend without ever thinking about the consequences or planning for the future in a coordinated way. But, the more important point is that the sister's family is also comfortable and should be doing some better financial planning of their own.

If whole family vacations are important to everyone, choose a vacation that everyone can afford on their own. Charlottesville can be just as fun as San Diego if the goal is spending time with your cousins.

[Anonymous]

This would piss me off too.
All money is our money I don't care who's name is on the different accounts we are married correct.
$180,000 household income is not below the poverty level if they want to go on vacation then they need to budget accordingly.
If your husband wanted to "gift" them plane tickets or part of their hotel he should've discussed this with you at first.

[Anonymous]

ITA it's great that family can vacation together and make memories. The issue for you is that DH should have discussed w/you first. How about planning a less expensive vacation, you and your DH together, a vacation that your family and his family can participate in? Something that doesn't require expensive plane tickets, $$$$$ rental etc.

[Anonymous]

This thread illustrates why I wouldn't manage my money separately from DH's. I don't see how the benefits outweigh the likelihood for expensive misunderstandings like this one.

[Anonymous]

First world white people problems