Husband pays for sister's vacations
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Anonymous
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My husband is a good guy. He is a doctor and I am a nurse- together we make about $230K. My BIL is also a doctor but his wife (my husband's sister) is a SAHM. Their HHI is probably around $180K. They have three kids, we have two. My husband and I have separate checking accounts and credit cards. Basically he pays for the mortgage, major expenses, etc and I pay for daycare and fun stuff (cable, vacations, etc). My IL's are always complaining how poor their daughter is because her husband only makes $180K, and they have three private school tuitions and live in a small very expensive house. I don't feel sorry for them because they choose to live in that house, send the kids to those schools, and for her to not work (she has two degrees is just not interested in working, not because she is disabled). We live in a small house, send our kids to daycare, and I work full time.
We recently went on vacation with my M/FILs, my BIL/SIL and their three kids. The BIL/SIL were almost not going to come because the flights and hotels were going to be "too expensive." I had purchased the tickets for our family two months ago with my own cc. I see in my husband's CC statement last night that he paid for their hotel and their plane tickets. Their plane tickets were $1000 more than ours because of the third kid and the late purchase. This isn't the first time he has paid for something for them because they've whined about cost. Clearly this is a DH issue, not an IL issue. I know that. I need to know how to discuss this with him for it infuriates me. I have no problem with him being generous to family- I just wish he would tell me. I feel he doesn't tell me because he knows it pisses me off. It makes me feel like the money I make to purchase things for our family doesn't mean anything- if anything it makes him feel more ok to spend his money on them. Why am I working if we are funding her to be a SAHM? |
Anonymous
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This would really bother me. I believe in helping family when they are really in distress and, especially if the distress is not of their making, like an illness or a natural disaster. However, it sounds like their "money problems" are the result of specific and deliberate choices they made about how to spend their income, an income that would be sufficient if they made other choices. I would sit down your husband and have a quiet, reasonable discussion about this, making sure to ask him why he feels it is appropriate to spend your family's money in this way and how you think that you two need to be more equal partners in making decisions about how and why to gift money since it is money that you both work to earn. Maybe you could start by stating that your current system for paying bills isn't working since you don't feel like there is enough transparency about how family finances are being allocated.
I never spend more than a few hundred dollars without mentioning it to my husband first, just so that he is in the loop about where our money is going. For example, I will buy a reasonable amount of new clothes at the beginning of a season or pay for a necessary car repair without mentioning it to him, but would not replace an appliance or buy a new luxury item without letting him know first. I certainly wouldn't buy something for someone else without talking to him because those need to be joint decisions. If you can focus the discussion on your family's money culture and not on your BIL/SIL and their money choices, I think you will get farther than if your DH feels like you are accusing him of being too generous to his sibling. |
Anonymous
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Your husband sounds like a great catch. If this is important to him, I don't see why you want to confront him on it. |
Anonymous
| I understand your frustration. You work hard so your family can enjoy the financial rewards. Your husband seems generous. He probably values the time he is able to spend with his sister and their kids, so he's reluctantly spending the money to get the time together. I understand his behavior. Your SIL on the other hand seems opportunistic. I can see why having three kids might make more sense for her to SAH but buying plane tix late and letting brother pick up the tab more than once every few years is too much. Phrase it in terms as however much he spends on the sister's family is less for your kids. But he already knows that and chooses to spend the money. I don't know if having an argument about this will be fruitful. I say this because I have similar fights with my husband, and it's an issue he won't budge on. At the end of the day, I think it makes him think less of me (for not being as generous as him or frankly speaking he never says no to his mom even at my expense) and he doesn't change anyway and I always end up in tears because this issue makes me so frustrated. |
Anonymous
| My husband is like this with his family. Just bought his dad a laptop for over a grand. I thought they were a few hundred by now. They can totally afford it. |
Anonymous
You don't sound very nice OP. Would it make you feel better if your SIL left that pesky third child home instead? And I missed something, is your DH cutting them a check every month to cover expenses? Or is he just treating them to a nice vacation that they otherwise couldn't afford? If it just vacations then I don't see how this is funding her ability to be a SAHM. Maybe your DH enjoys having his family around and wants to include everyone. I think you just want to be able to go on these fabulous vacations and then rub it in SILs nose that she couldn't afford to go. And you answered your own question as to why he doesn't tell you. It pisses you off, and then you will sulk and make every one's life miserable. I suggest you quit working, become a SAHM and then your family will not be able to afford these luxurious things. In reality, you have been blessed with a wonderful DH who is generous and kind. |
Anonymous
Ok, you have no problem with him being generous to family. But, it pisses you off. I think you need to sort out your feelings. |
Anonymous
Who cares if they can afford it? Maybe your DH just want to pay his parents back for all the things they bought him. My brother just bought my mom and dad and all new kitchen appliances. They could afford to get them themselves, but they were never going to. His wife pitched a fit because she couldn't stand the idea of just handing them these things. It was very hurtful. And my other brother's wife had a cow because my brother let my mom use his netflix account. |
Anonymous
So if you quit, you would then have just about the same income as your SIL? That is the main issue isn't it? |
Anonymous
Or less, if you make 80k then your DH makes what 150k? Ha ha, her DH makes more than yours. It must really chap your ass. |
Anonymous
| Your husband sounds kind. Why don't you focus on your good fortune instead of getting worked up over your ILs. |
Anonymous
| Do you want to be a SAHM? |
Anonymous
Sounds like it to me. She is very bitter that her SIL is staying home and still getting to go on vacation. I feel for you OP, it sucks to live the materialistic life, doesn't it? |
Anonymous
| My brother makes five times the money we do. He has always included us in vacations every few years. I started picking up on little things from my SIL. She would make comments about how much more expensive the place was because of the extra people. How much more the food was etc. Then my 4yo nephew told me that I couldn't use the swimming pool because his dad paid for it and we were too poor. Of course my nephew heard this from his bitter mother, so that was the end of us joining them. My brother still invites us and is very sad that we decline. I don't need my super superior SIL lording it over me. The sad thing is, we never see them anymore. SIL actually has tried to smooth things over, but we still decline. |
Anonymous
| Users always find suckers. Always. |