Apparently, I look like a prostitute

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several years ago, when my husband and I had just started dating, he introduced me to a casual acquaintance of his that we had run into at a social function. My husband stopped and chatted with the guy for a minute. I didn't hear the conversation but my husband later told me that the guy had assumed I was a call girl.

Yes. That's right. A prostitute.

My husband and I eventually got engaged. When the guy realized we were serious, he felt like a heel. He apologized to my husband on more than one occasion and the two of them still have a social relationship today. However, I can't seem to get past it. Every time I think about this guy I get pissed all over again. What is sticking in my craw is that I am Black and I believe that racism and sexism were the biggest factors in this guy's coming to the conclusion that I must obviously be a prostitute. My husband, who is not Black, agrees with me on this point.

To provide context, I will add that I was wearing a fashionable (very, very slightly above the knee) dress, a long cardigan, and strappy stiletto heels. I'm a former model, very slim, very long legs. My husband is a nice looking guy, hard-working, kind of short, middle aged. I'm a bit younger then he is. We were at a fancy-pants political event.

Regardless of whether the guy felt I was dressed inappropriately, or out-of-place as a Black woman in a room full of high-power Alpha-Male Washington types or simply too good looking to be with my husband and not be a prostitute, I was - and still am - deeply offended. I was hurt and so embarrassed. I even cried about it later. I cannot believe that someone mistook me for a prostitute. Cliche ... but I honestly have never been so insulted in my life.

The fellow in question has invited us to several functions over the years and I always send regrets. I know the guy feels awful about it. It is obvious that I am shunning him. Admittedly, my refusal to socialize with him has been downright rude. I am usually not the type to hold grudges but I still feel so insulted and hurt. I'm just wondering if I should be able to get past it. Should I try. Or is my reaction justified under the circumstances.

Although I understand where you're coming from, don't take it so personally. The incident really says way more about him than you.

Racial issues aside, here's what I think is really weird about your husband's friends response -- that he thought that anyone he knew would even know how to hook up with a prostitute or do such a thing. It's sort of like I would be shocked to learn that someone I knew carried a gun (unless it was part of their job) in public. It's just not done in my world. To me, it's bad enough that he thought you looked like a prostitute, but what it really says about him is that prostitution is a normal part of his world, that it's normal for people to take advantage of others in that way, that it's normal for someone to meet their needs that way instead of developing real relationships .... that's the real problem!

In that sense your gut instinct is telling you a lot about this guy and why you want to stay away from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Although I understand where you're coming from, don't take it so personally. The incident really says way more about him than you.

Racial issues aside, here's what I think is really weird about your husband's friends response -- that he thought that anyone he knew would even know how to hook up with a prostitute or do such a thing. It's sort of like I would be shocked to learn that someone I knew carried a gun (unless it was part of their job) in public. It's just not done in my world. To me, it's bad enough that he thought you looked like a prostitute, but what it really says about him is that prostitution is a normal part of his world, that it's normal for people to take advantage of others in that way, that it's normal for someone to meet their needs that way instead of developing real relationships .... that's the real problem!

In that sense your gut instinct is telling you a lot about this guy and why you want to stay away from him.

OP, I have been following this thread and this PP's advice seems to me to be spot-on. Maybe you've been worrying so much your reaction to the race factor that you haven't looked at the "character" factor with regard to this guy. He may be very sorry for having thought this about you but that's because you, now having been recognized as his friend's wife, are now one of the inner circle, the people who belong. But maybe he wouldn't be sorry about having thought this about someone else who didn't belong to his social set. That says something fundamental about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some issues if this happen several years ago and you can still remember what you were wearing! get over it.

Wouldn't you remember how you were dressed if someone mistook you for a prostitute? It would be the first thing you thought of once your then boyfriend told you about the conversation with his "friend". I don't think OP has issues at all. You, PP have obviosly never been in a similar situation.

No I would not remember and absolutely I have never been mistaken for a prostitute. I don't dress like one, even when I am dressing sexy, which I do quite often, but there is an extreme. I can not remember what I was wearing last week and this person is talking about last year. So yes, I do think there are so issues here.

[Anonymous]

OP, did your husband hire call girls in the past (before you started dating him)? Why else would the friend make that assumption?

No matter how gorgeous the woman was and how undesirable the man, it would never occur to me that she was a call girl -- unless I knew that the man in question used those kinds of services.

Everyone on this thread is so focused on the frined, and giving a free pass to your husband. My first instinct would have been that the husband hired prostitutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did your husband hire call girls in the past (before you started dating him)? Why else would the friend make that assumption?

No matter how gorgeous the woman was and how undesirable the man, it would never occur to me that she was a call girl -- unless I knew that the man in question used those kinds of services.

Everyone on this thread is so focused on the frined, and giving a free pass to your husband. My first instinct would have been that the husband hired prostitutes.

Yes, this crossed my mind as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did your husband hire call girls in the past (before you started dating him)? Why else would the friend make that assumption?

No matter how gorgeous the woman was and how undesirable the man, it would never occur to me that she was a call girl -- unless I knew that the man in question used those kinds of services.

Everyone on this thread is so focused on the frined, and giving a free pass to your husband. My first instinct would have been that the husband hired prostitutes.

Yes, this crossed my mind as well.

Id that were the case, I doubt he would have even told OP what the friend said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did your husband hire call girls in the past (before you started dating him)? Why else would the friend make that assumption?

No matter how gorgeous the woman was and how undesirable the man, it would never occur to me that she was a call girl -- unless I knew that the man in question used those kinds of services.

Everyone on this thread is so focused on the frined, and giving a free pass to your husband. My first instinct would have been that the husband hired prostitutes.

OP here. PP, my husband has never hired a prostitute. DH was stunned at what the friend said. So stunned in fact, that he immediately blurted it out as soon as he saw me. My husband is a very kind person. I doubt - no scratch that - I KNOW that had he not been so shocked by the outrageousness of his friend's statement, he would never have told me abut it in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did your husband hire call girls in the past (before you started dating him)? Why else would the friend make that assumption?

No matter how gorgeous the woman was and how undesirable the man, it would never occur to me that she was a call girl -- unless I knew that the man in question used those kinds of services.

Everyone on this thread is so focused on the frined, and giving a free pass to your husband. My first instinct would have been that the husband hired prostitutes.

OP here. PP, my husband has never hired a prostitute. DH was stunned at what the friend said. So stunned in fact, that he immediately blurted it out as soon as he saw me. My husband is a very kind person. I doubt - no scratch that - I KNOW that had he not been so shocked by the outrageousness of his friend's statement, he would never have told me abut it in the first place.

My ex was a very devoted, loving, kind husband and father to our kids. He still is, just with a flaw... he has weakness for escorts. How he covered it up for years? Acts stunned about similar things, and rants against it. I am not saying your dh is cheating on you, but don't rule out he could have a past. I agree with most of the comments here, the friend's thought has more to do with what or who your dh is, or was.

But... as with everyone else here, i could be wrong. I think you know the answers to all the questions in your mind. What's more important as of the present and tomorrow?

[Anonymous]

Race did not play a role in this at all. Please get over it OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Race did not play a role in this at all. Please get over it OP.

Can you tell me how you know that?
Also, even IF race had nothing to do with it, it is still very obnoxious!!!
I for one would not want to be in the company of someone so stupid.

[Anonymous]

Well obviously, based on your post, you are overly sensitive. There is a whole world going on outside your own head. Come join us!

[Anonymous]

Who the heck is digging up all these 2 y/o threads?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several years ago, when my husband and I had just started dating, he introduced me to a casual acquaintance of his that we had run into at a social function. My husband stopped and chatted with the guy for a minute. I didn't hear the conversation but my husband later told me that the guy had assumed I was a call girl.

Yes. That's right. A prostitute.

My husband and I eventually got engaged. When the guy realized we were serious, he felt like a heel. He apologized to my husband on more than one occasion and the two of them still have a social relationship today. However, I can't seem to get past it. Every time I think about this guy I get pissed all over again. What is sticking in my craw is that I am Black and I believe that racism and sexism were the biggest factors in this guy's coming to the conclusion that I must obviously be a prostitute. My husband, who is not Black, agrees with me on this point.

To provide context, I will add that I was wearing a fashionable (very, very slightly above the knee) dress, a long cardigan, and strappy stiletto heels. I'm a former model, very slim, very long legs. My husband is a nice looking guy, hard-working, kind of short, middle aged. I'm a bit younger then he is. We were at a fancy-pants political event.

Regardless of whether the guy felt I was dressed inappropriately, or out-of-place as a Black woman in a room full of high-power Alpha-Male Washington types or simply too good looking to be with my husband and not be a prostitute, I was - and still am - deeply offended. I was hurt and so embarrassed. I even cried about it later. I cannot believe that someone mistook me for a prostitute. Cliche ... but I honestly have never been so insulted in my life.

The fellow in question has invited us to several functions over the years and I always send regrets. I know the guy feels awful about it. It is obvious that I am shunning him. Admittedly, my refusal to socialize with him has been downright rude. I am usually not the type to hold grudges but I still feel so insulted and hurt. I'm just wondering if I should be able to get past it. Should I try. Or is my reaction justified under the circumstances.

You said that you are not a prostitute. That is enough. The more you harp on this the more people will begin to wonder. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how people reply to these posts without realizing that they are two years old. Duuuuuhhhhhh.............

[Anonymous]

Any guy worth his salt should have kept this comment private. Unless he planned to cut either you or his friend loose, it was a dick move to tell you. You have every right to be offended, but your husband has put all three of you in an awkward situation.