Apparently, I look like a prostitute

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you a minority that has historically been objectified sexually? If not, then that's why his assumption about your husband would be more offensive to you than his assumption about you being a call girl. I'm black, and if in the same situation someone thought I was a call girl, I would certainly think it was a statement about me. I see everyone's point about it also being a statement about the husband, but as a minority, it gets tiring wondering whether the same situation would have occurred if you were white. It's also hurtful, because ultimately, there's nothing you can do about it other than accept that some people have a stereo-typed view of the world and its people. OP, I would also be hurt about it years later. That's not to say I wouldn't give the guy a chance to redeem himself - but only if it was something my husband cared about. I certainly wouldn't do it for any other reason.

The OP said she was Black, Not ASIAN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you a minority that has historically been objectified sexually? If not, then that's why his assumption about your husband would be more offensive to you than his assumption about you being a call girl. I'm black, and if in the same situation someone thought I was a call girl, I would certainly think it was a statement about me. I see everyone's point about it also being a statement about the husband, but as a minority, it gets tiring wondering whether the same situation would have occurred if you were white. It's also hurtful, because ultimately, there's nothing you can do about it other than accept that some people have a stereo-typed view of the world and its people. OP, I would also be hurt about it years later. That's not to say I wouldn't give the guy a chance to redeem himself - but only if it was something my husband cared about. I certainly wouldn't do it for any other reason.

The OP said she was Black, Not ASIAN.

[Anonymous]

Nearly 15 years ago I made a silly comment about my male friend's sexual orientation. It was some joke about being gay, when I assumed that he was not gay. It turned out that he was gay, and according to a mutual friend, he was offended. I felt horrible. I did not apologize and our friendship did end. This happens, but it was my fault.
The weight should be on that other man OP, not you. You have nothing to feel bad about. Let it go, and decide for yourself whether you want to be in his company. It is OK to avoid him, but do so without guilt. We are not all meant to be as strong as the Mandelas of the world. Preserve thyself.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the other responses, so I apologize if someone has already said this but I think it's more of a reflection on the guy who made the comment than on you or your husband. Why would the concept of getting a call girl even be on his mind unless he uses such a service? It's probably the only way he gets a fashionable, attractive woman to look at him let alone go out with him.

[Anonymous]

It's hurtful.

He meant no harm by it. Probably thought you were too good for your husband.

Get over it. For your own sake if nothing else...it's not worth letting it bother you so many years later.

Additionally, while I can't claim to know many- the few prostitutes who I've known or seen were all white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hurtful.

He meant no harm by it. Probably thought you were too good for your husband.

Get over it. For your own sake if nothing else...it's not worth letting it bother you so many years later.

Additionally, while I can't claim to know many- the few prostitutes who I've known or seen were all white.[/quote]

That is exactly what I was thinking! My sample is not huge, but I know 2 former call girls and both were white, professional types, but very attractive. I'm sure he made that comment based on the way you looked not the color of your skin. Also, these call girls do not dress like street walkers, they dress like you describe, nice and classy. Men who are paying big bucks for a call girl want one that looks classy.

I personally think you have gone overboard in your assumptions.

[Anonymous]

I'm white, but I can relate, in a way. My DH had a friend who assumed that I was a lesbian who had taken on my first heterosexual lover for a fun fling.

I was hurt more than insulted. They are still friends, although the friend did apologize for his comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hurtful.

Get over it. For your own sake if nothing else...it's not worth letting it bother you so many years later.

I agree with PP. Personally, I would have been very hurt and embarassed. Clearly the comment was all about the "friend" and nothing about you, as many other PPs have said.

But above all else, I encourage you to do whatever you can to let it go because carrying around all that pain is not healthy. Seriously. His comment was awful, but letting it get to you all these years later is just heartbreaking. Is there anything you can do to let it go? I wish you peace!!

(By the way, I can imagine you finding a way to let it go AND yet still choosing not to socialize with the "friend". I say go with whatever feels right.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say, next time you're invited, go. Let him see that you're not only beautiful but bright and engaging too. Break the stereotype.


So...I say accept the invite, go, hold your head up high, BE YOURSELF, and then let him judge and be more embarrassed about his initial thoughts. Break the stereotypes for the rest of us.

I agree with this PP. Instead of furtheirng the stereotype of a AA woman with an attitude....teach him y example. Further it will be so much better for your spirit to move past hurt and victim and move into forgiveness and education. Carrying it around for years is only deterimental to YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, the man noticed her because she looked different from the type of woman he was expecting to see. What aspects were different? Maybe beauty, but I bet the first thing he noticed was race.
My husband is white, and when I first met some of his friends and relatives that did not know that I was black, many of them looked quite startled. I would say that it was very obvious in four cases. In one such incident, my husband's brother in law ran into the kitchen and told his wife (in loud whisper) that "Bob" should have told us that "Jenny" was BLACK!
Once we were in the cafe, chatting and my husband's friend came up. We talked a bit before my husband introduced me as his wife. I wish I had a camera, that face was textbook, "surprised".
The fact is that this is a real issue. When a white man in DC says he is bringing at date, THE LAST THING that anyone expects is a black woman (maybe another man would be just as surprising). Even if it were an Asian woman, there would be less shock. White man, black woman is the most uncommon mixture in this country.

LOL. In somewhat of a similar situation where my DH is white and I am African-American. I've never had anyone mistaken me for a prostitute that I know of - then again we only really went out just the two of us or if we were meeting a group of friends if they heard my name (being a child of the 70's when African names were very popular) - they wouldn't expect someone white. Now with two kids in tow and wearing wedding bands it would be odd for an acquaintance to come up with some other theory than us being married. I think part of it is when you are first dating and even a few years after - you worry what will people say, what will people think. It probably took me a few years to really feel comfortable enough to feel prepared to have a comeback if someone said something random and if people do stare I don't even notice. So I could see how it could be shocking to have someone say that. I think it is also about vulnerability. If you are in a situation where you feel you have to be on guard because you are different than the other people in the group (whether it be race, money, sexual orientation, gender etc.) or even worse if you aren't on guard and someone says something make you feel awkward because of their ignorance - you really don't want to put yourself in that situation again or give the other person the power to hurt you again. Not exactly on the same scale - but I had someone make a crazy racist comment when she was talking in a group where I was the only minority and she didn't even think twice about it. Now I don't hate her, I can even joke about it, but will I put myself in the same situation with her again - not if I have a choice. I could meet her socially and even say hi and bye. But she won't be invited to my house anytime soon and if I had to see her again it would have to be something where there are so many people I didn't have to say more than hi and bye or so small of a group that if something else crazy was said I would feel comfortable enough to address her one on one not that there are 6 or 7 other people and no one knows what to say and you don't know if people agree or if they are just as shocked.

Bottom line, I feel I have enough drama in my life without inviting someone else's into my life. Why do it? So I guess my advice is to let go of the anger and realize some people have issues - but those are their issues not yours. If your DH wants to socialize with him or you feel you should at least be cordial do it on turf that you feel comfortable with and that you have an exit strategy if you need one. It would take a very long time if ever for someone that made that comment to ever win my trust because unless he had some epiphany or life changing moment why would he suddenly change how he thinks? But you don't have to trust or even like someone to be cordial to them. You just need to feel comfortable enough with yourself and in the situation to not feel powerless and unable to say "Bill, why would you say that" or "Hmm, why would you think that" and calmly put him on the defensive instead of being the other way around.

[Anonymous]

I think you have some issues if this happen several years ago and you can still remember what you were wearing! get over it.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to differ a bit from previous posters. I think you should consider accepting the guy's next social invitation and get to know him. Here's why:

As many have stated, there are lots of reasons besides race why he might have made that assumption. You say your husband is a fabulous guy. Does he keep friendships with racists? I imagine not. It seems your husband has judged this guy to be okay, and the guy clearly feels terrible about his comment.

By avoiding him, you've kept this memory alive. It's all you know of him, so every time he's mentioned, this is what you think of. If you spent an evening with him, I'm sure he would be polite and friendly at the very least. If you never see him again, at least your first, painful memory will be tempered with another that is more positive.

It's fine for people to say get over it, or protect yourself, or whatever. But you can't change your feelings. You can't make yourself get over it. (I wish we had the kind of control over our feelings!) And clearly avoiding contact with him hasn't helped you get over it at all. So try another tact. I guess I'm saying trust your husband's judgement that this guy is better than this one comment suggests and do something proactive to shrink this memory in your head.

Perhaps I'm being PollyAnna-ish about this. Perhaps I'm overly optimistic from witnessing the incredible goodwill generated by the Obama campaign. And people do grow.

Best wishes, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you a minority that has historically been objectified sexually? If not, then that's why his assumption about your husband would be more offensive to you than his assumption about you being a call girl. I'm black, and if in the same situation someone thought I was a call girl, I would certainly think it was a statement about me. I see everyone's point about it also being a statement about the husband, but as a minority, it gets tiring wondering whether the same situation would have occurred if you were white. It's also hurtful, because ultimately, there's nothing you can do about it other than accept that some people have a stereo-typed view of the world and its people. OP, I would also be hurt about it years later. That's not to say I wouldn't give the guy a chance to redeem himself - but only if it was something my husband cared about. I certainly wouldn't do it for any other reason.

The OP said she was Black, Not ASIAN.

huh?

[Anonymous]

SInce when have black women been "historically objectified sexually"?

I'm pretty sure Asians have been, but black women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you a minority that has historically been objectified sexually? If not, then that's why his assumption about your husband would be more offensive to you than his assumption about you being a call girl. I'm black, and if in the same situation someone thought I was a call girl, I would certainly think it was a statement about me. I see everyone's point about it also being a statement about the husband, but as a minority, it gets tiring wondering whether the same situation would have occurred if you were white. It's also hurtful, because ultimately, there's nothing you can do about it other than accept that some people have a stereo-typed view of the world and its people. OP, I would also be hurt about it years later. That's not to say I wouldn't give the guy a chance to redeem himself - but only if it was something my husband cared about. I certainly wouldn't do it for any other reason.

The OP said she was Black, Not ASIAN.

What does that mean? Only Asian women have been objectified sexually? Seriously??