Apparently, I look like a prostitute

[Anonymous]

I don't think it was a statement about you. I think it was a statement about your husband. If he and this guy are friends and your husband wants to maintain the friendship, I'd let it go.

It's interesting that you are more offended by your belief that it was racism and sexism that led the "friend" to this judgment than by the fact that he would assume your husband would hire a call girl. That would be the part that would offend me!

[Anonymous]

PP here. What I meant, OP, is that there is no evidence that you look like a prostitute. There's just evidence that the "friend" is a complete jerk because he would assume your husband is the kind of guy who'd hire one!

[Anonymous]

Not to be harsh, but it was something from a long time ago (years) and the guy has (sincerely?) apologized about it - twice!

It may always be in the back of your mind, but you should really try and move on. I think we all say stuiped things that un/intentionally hurt someone.

I mean, what would make this situation better? Do you want your DH's friend to apologize directly to you? Was the comment made in front of you? Was it made as a silly joke at the time?

If it makes you feel better, my DH's friend asked me point blank if I had a bad fall because my eyes were so baggy and dark (sleep deprivation as a new mom) that it looked like I had two black eyes. I was battling PP depression so that certainly sent my small bit of self esteem down the toilet.
I got over it, it was a long time ago, and apology accepted. I still think about it, but I don't hold it against him and I welcome my DH's friend into our house like any other guest.

[Anonymous]

Wow. How does it make you feel to be angry for years? I can't imagine too good. Move on, seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it was a statement about you. I think it was a statement about your husband. If he and this guy are friends and your husband wants to maintain the friendship, I'd let it go.

It's interesting that you are more offended by your belief that it was racism and sexism that led the "friend" to this judgment than by the fact that he would assume your husband would hire a call girl. That would be the part that would offend me!

Are you a minority that has historically been objectified sexually? If not, then that's why his assumption about your husband would be more offensive to you than his assumption about you being a call girl. I'm black, and if in the same situation someone thought I was a call girl, I would certainly think it was a statement about me. I see everyone's point about it also being a statement about the husband, but as a minority, it gets tiring wondering whether the same situation would have occurred if you were white. It's also hurtful, because ultimately, there's nothing you can do about it other than accept that some people have a stereo-typed view of the world and its people. OP, I would also be hurt about it years later. That's not to say I wouldn't give the guy a chance to redeem himself - but only if it was something my husband cared about. I certainly wouldn't do it for any other reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it was a statement about you. I think it was a statement about your husband. If he and this guy are friends and your husband wants to maintain the friendship, I'd let it go.

It's interesting that you are more offended by your belief that it was racism and sexism that led the "friend" to this judgment than by the fact that he would assume your husband would hire a call girl. That would be the part that would offend me!

When was the last time that you were a victim of racism? Your comments are a bit much. Any woman should care about her own feelings first. That is something you will figure out in later years.
OP, everyone has an Achilles heel. For most minorities, it is racism. For a lot of white women that I know, it is the F word, fat. If he had said to a man, your girlfriend looks fat, and the man had the ignorance to share that with his date, that would be it.
Forget this man. There are many other barbecues going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it was a statement about you. I think it was a statement about your husband. If he and this guy are friends and your husband wants to maintain the friendship, I'd let it go.

It's interesting that you are more offended by your belief that it was racism and sexism that led the "friend" to this judgment than by the fact that he would assume your husband would hire a call girl. That would be the part that would offend me!

When was the last time that you were a victim of racism? Your comments are a bit much. Any woman should care about her own feelings first. That is something you will figure out in later years.
OP, everyone has an Achilles heel. For most minorities, it is racism. For a lot of white women that I know, it is the F word, fat. If he had said to a man, your girlfriend looks fat, and the man had the ignorance to share that with his date, that would be it.
Forget this man. There are many other barbecues going on.

You have made an ass of yourself, my dear. Not of me. As for the last time I was the victim of racism, I don't keep a running tally. My mother does, for herself; ask her instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it was a statement about you. I think it was a statement about your husband. If he and this guy are friends and your husband wants to maintain the friendship, I'd let it go.

It's interesting that you are more offended by your belief that it was racism and sexism that led the "friend" to this judgment than by the fact that he would assume your husband would hire a call girl. That would be the part that would offend me!

Are you a minority that has historically been objectified sexually? If not, then that's why his assumption about your husband would be more offensive to you than his assumption about you being a call girl. I'm black, and if in the same situation someone thought I was a call girl, I would certainly think it was a statement about me. I see everyone's point about it also being a statement about the husband, but as a minority, it gets tiring wondering whether the same situation would have occurred if you were white. It's also hurtful, because ultimately, there's nothing you can do about it other than accept that some people have a stereo-typed view of the world and its people. OP, I would also be hurt about it years later. That's not to say I wouldn't give the guy a chance to redeem himself - but only if it was something my husband cared about. I certainly wouldn't do it for any other reason.

As a product of racially mixed parents myself this kind of stuff drives me nuts. Constantly people are jumping to the conclusion of racism, slinging it arund like burgers at McDs. Its easy to be hurt, turned down for a job, or in some way dissed and then scream racism because how could there possibly be another reason for rejection. Sheesh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it was a statement about you. I think it was a statement about your husband. If he and this guy are friends and your husband wants to maintain the friendship, I'd let it go.

It's interesting that you are more offended by your belief that it was racism and sexism that led the "friend" to this judgment than by the fact that he would assume your husband would hire a call girl. That would be the part that would offend me!

Are you a minority that has historically been objectified sexually? If not, then that's why his assumption about your husband would be more offensive to you than his assumption about you being a call girl. I'm black, and if in the same situation someone thought I was a call girl, I would certainly think it was a statement about me. I see everyone's point about it also being a statement about the husband, but as a minority, it gets tiring wondering whether the same situation would have occurred if you were white. It's also hurtful, because ultimately, there's nothing you can do about it other than accept that some people have a stereo-typed view of the world and its people. OP, I would also be hurt about it years later. That's not to say I wouldn't give the guy a chance to redeem himself - but only if it was something my husband cared about. I certainly wouldn't do it for any other reason.

Yeah, I'm white and I've noticed that I don't have to wonder about these things. I think it is exhausting to be black in this country.

[Anonymous]

Look, the man noticed her because she looked different from the type of woman he was expecting to see. What aspects were different? Maybe beauty, but I bet the first thing he noticed was race.
My husband is white, and when I first met some of his friends and relatives that did not know that I was black, many of them looked quite startled. I would say that it was very obvious in four cases. In one such incident, my husband's brother in law ran into the kitchen and told his wife (in loud whisper) that "Bob" should have told us that "Jenny" was BLACK!
Once we were in the cafe, chatting and my husband's friend came up. We talked a bit before my husband introduced me as his wife. I wish I had a camera, that face was textbook, "surprised".
The fact is that this is a real issue. When a white man in DC says he is bringing at date, THE LAST THING that anyone expects is a black woman (maybe another man would be just as surprising). Even if it were an Asian woman, there would be less shock. White man, black woman is the most uncommon mixture in this country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The fellow in question has invited us to several functions over the years and I always send regrets. I know the guy feels awful about it. It is obvious that I am shunning him. Admittedly, my refusal to socialize with him has been downright rude. I am usually not the type to hold grudges but I still feel so insulted and hurt. I'm just wondering if I should be able to get past it. Should I try. Or is my reaction justified under the circumstances.

OP, this sounds like a very painful experience. Don't blame you for being upset. Still it sounds as if you are convinced that the guy feels terrible about it and has tried to apologize. If it were me, I would ask myself if there is something else going on that makes it hard to get past this event. Or if there is some other aspect of this guy that bothers me beyond this event. I suggest you do some more reflecting, if you can.

[Anonymous]

I wish someone thought I looked like a prostitute...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish someone thought I looked like a prostitute...

For real, most days I look like a crack whore at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it was a statement about you. I think it was a statement about your husband. If he and this guy are friends and your husband wants to maintain the friendship, I'd let it go.

It's interesting that you are more offended by your belief that it was racism and sexism that led the "friend" to this judgment than by the fact that he would assume your husband would hire a call girl. That would be the part that would offend me!

Are you a minority that has historically been objectified sexually? If not, then that's why his assumption about your husband would be more offensive to you than his assumption about you being a call girl. I'm black, and if in the same situation someone thought I was a call girl, I would certainly think it was a statement about me. I see everyone's point about it also being a statement about the husband, but as a minority, it gets tiring wondering whether the same situation would have occurred if you were white. It's also hurtful, because ultimately, there's nothing you can do about it other than accept that some people have a stereo-typed view of the world and its people. OP, I would also be hurt about it years later. That's not to say I wouldn't give the guy a chance to redeem himself - but only if it was something my husband cared about. I certainly wouldn't do it for any other reason.

Half. I didn't intend to offend the OP, or anyone else. I just find it interesting that no one is stating the obvious. The "friend" could have made the comment because OP is black. Or because OP "looked like a prostitute" (which I seriously doubt). Or because she's a beautiful and long-legged former model. But those are all assumptions, period. The only thing that is completely without question here, and completely obvious, is that the "friend" is an asshole who assumed that OP's date, now husband, would hire a prostitute and take her to a high-powered political event. That seems like a rather bizarre assumption, doesn't it? And that would bother me, both because the guy is a jerk and because he assumed my date, now husband, would do such a thing. But again, I am truly sorry to offend OP and anyone else. I was trying, in an unclear way, to make the point that the jerk's behavior was about him, the jerk, and about men. It wasn't about the OP, and I hate that she felt hurt as a result of what he said. Because it had nothing to do with her.

[Anonymous]

This was years ago. You have a choice, to forgive and forget, or to keep being upset at this Man.
Make it about whatever you want, Race, length of your legs, hairstyle...the point is, the ONLY one it's hurting is YOU. I doubt that years later this man is still mulling this over or your DH is still bothered by this...The only one who's affected is you...Life is short, dont you think it's time to stop being hurt and move on?