Apparently, I look like a prostitute

[Anonymous]

Several years ago, when my husband and I had just started dating, he introduced me to a casual acquaintance of his that we had run into at a social function. My husband stopped and chatted with the guy for a minute. I didn't hear the conversation but my husband later told me that the guy had assumed I was a call girl.

Yes. That's right. A prostitute.

My husband and I eventually got engaged. When the guy realized we were serious, he felt like a heel. He apologized to my husband on more than one occasion and the two of them still have a social relationship today. However, I can't seem to get past it. Every time I think about this guy I get pissed all over again. What is sticking in my craw is that I am Black and I believe that racism and sexism were the biggest factors in this guy's coming to the conclusion that I must obviously be a prostitute. My husband, who is not Black, agrees with me on this point.

To provide context, I will add that I was wearing a fashionable (very, very slightly above the knee) dress, a long cardigan, and strappy stiletto heels. I'm a former model, very slim, very long legs. My husband is a nice looking guy, hard-working, kind of short, middle aged. I'm a bit younger then he is. We were at a fancy-pants political event.

Regardless of whether the guy felt I was dressed inappropriately, or out-of-place as a Black woman in a room full of high-power Alpha-Male Washington types or simply too good looking to be with my husband and not be a prostitute, I was - and still am - deeply offended. I was hurt and so embarrassed. I even cried about it later. I cannot believe that someone mistook me for a prostitute. Cliche ... but I honestly have never been so insulted in my life.

The fellow in question has invited us to several functions over the years and I always send regrets. I know the guy feels awful about it. It is obvious that I am shunning him. Admittedly, my refusal to socialize with him has been downright rude. I am usually not the type to hold grudges but I still feel so insulted and hurt. I'm just wondering if I should be able to get past it. Should I try. Or is my reaction justified under the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

over the YEARS? jeez, time to forgive and forget.

[Anonymous]

That's horrible and I don't want to belittle your experience at all but in a way it's more insulting to your husband than to you! The guy didn't think your husband could get a beautiful woman w/o paying. Also, there aren't very many models in this town--maybe in NYC he would have assumed you were a model. I also wonder if your husband was with a tall stylish attractive white woman, the guy might have had the same reaction. But really it's up to you--if you can't deal you have nothing to be apologetic about!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think it was more of a reflection on your husband versus you. I think the aquaintance saw a very attractive woman with an average guy and thought you were out of his league. Thus he must have hired you.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking the same thing as the PP. It sounds like the guy thought you were a hottie and didn't think your husband could get that without paying. Think of it this way, your husband has a trophy wife!!!

[Anonymous]

I'd try to get over it... Not because you're wrong and he's right or anything like that. But because he's profusely sorry and he knows he was wrong, you know he was wrong, and your husband knows he was wrong. I think that goes a long way even if he did give a dumb assumption at the start. And it would be incredibly gracious of you, further reinforcing the fact that he not only got it wrong, but got it very, very wrong.

[Anonymous]

I was going to ask if you were much hotter than your husband. From what you have said, it seems to be the case. Maybe the guy couldn't imagine your DH having such a hot date, without having to pay for it.

I agree with the other poster that it is time to move on. Maybe he thought this because you were hot, or because you are black, or because this guy is slowly going insane. It really doesn't matter. It isn't as if you had a long friendship with this man, or any type of relationship as all on the night of his comments. I just can't believe that you have let the words of one creepy looser bother you for this long.

Oh, and one other idea. Maybe this guy had a thing for ladies of the night, and maybe he was looking for a new agency to use.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to differ here and say it's OK to not feel friendly towards him for as long as you like. Hello, the guy thought, based on nothing but your physical appearance, that you were a prostitute, and you were dressed conservatively. I do not believe for a MINUTE that he would have come to that conclusion if you were white. And I have to also wonder, why did he think your husband would be with a prostitute? Is this something that is accepted in their social circle? Anyhoo, my advice would be feel however you want to feel; this was a serious insult. BUT, he obviously feels badly about it and has tried to make up, so I would not refuse to be in his presence, but would be perfectly polite and cordial to him -- no need to fake warm feelings that you don't have. There's nothing like taking the high road!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am African American, and I can see why you were hurt. He did something that was soooo dumb. I might have made some silly comment like that as a teen, but not now. You DH might need to consider whether this guy is a friend. BTW, if you were an attractive tall white model, he might have said the same thing, but I can see how race played a big role.

That said, as I get older, I feel that we should stay away from people that make us feel bad. This man sounds like someone you should avoid. YOU did nothing wrong. You need to remember that everyone has the right to have a short list of people to avoid. If you don't have that list, you're trying too hard to please everyone.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it says more about the friend than it does about you. He thinks it's normal and common for his friends to bring paid escorts to these events? But then I started wondering... IS it normal? Does your husband say that the other guys in his world typically hire their dates? Why would the friend make that assumption? It's like hearing hoofbeats and thinking zebras... unless this guy was used to seeing zebras at hoity-toity political events, if you get my drift. I'm almost sure that the friend was in the habit of hiring dates himself, if his mind went there so easily.

[Anonymous]

I say, next time you're invited, go. Let him see that you're not only beautiful but bright and engaging too. Break the stereotype. This is advice that was given to me after being in a slightly different, but similar situation.

Quick story: DH and I moved to Africa for a few years soon after we were married (for work). He's white and I'm black (African Am). My first week there I read a "funny" article in the local newspaper that talked about stereotypes. It was funny until it got to #10, which read something like this: When you see a black woman with a white man a) don't assume she's a prostitute, b) don't assume she's with him for the money, c) etc. My jaw dropped and my face probably turned a few shades of red. My husband noticed soon after that article that whenever we were in public together I always walked a few paces ahead of him, as if I were embarrassed that we were together. To admit, I was embarrassed because I didn't want people to think of me that way. Well, DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5. I'm still uncomfortable with PDA because of concern for bad reactions from both whites and blacks (my prob is that I care too much about what other people think), but I try to keep reminding myself--who cares what other people think. This is my husband and father to my child. And when people get to know us, I think they see a really nice young couple (and highly-educated, I'd like to add).

So...I say accept the invite, go, hold your head up high, BE YOURSELF, and then let him judge and be more embarrassed about his initial thoughts. Break the stereotypes for the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

I am an outlier because I can hold a grudge longer than anyone I know, but ... I think you're in sanctioned territory to continue to avoid this person.

I agree with PP that having a short list of people to avoid is normal, healthy and protective. Being a righteous ass about that list is not OK, but you are being courteous in declining those invitations year after year. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree with those who say it was an insult not just for me but also for my husband. By the way, my husband is fabulous and can get any woman he wants. (Obviously, my talent for holding a grudge is only surpassed by my modesty).

I did find it strange that the guy would automatically think escort. I've never heard anything about hiring escorts being normal in those circles but who knows. Nothing surprises me anymore. I admit I've seen certain couples and thought "trophy wife" but I just can't imagine any circumstances under which I would see at a perfectly normal-looking woman and assume she was a prostitute.

[Anonymous]

He's a moron. I wouldn't even give it much more thought than that. Move on.

[Anonymous]

I think you should only stop refusing the invites if it is an issue to your husband. If your husband is OK with breaking off social contact with this "friend," then why fuss with it. On the other hand, if your husband would like for you to start accepting these invitations, then I say give the "friend" another shot. As a pp said, no need to be anything more than cordial, and let your husband know that if the "friend" says anything else offensive, that's it.