Any moms regret quitting their jobs to stay home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for one second.

It was rough putting my career on hold and giving up the pay/benefits, but it was a no brainer of a decision. Money is tight now, but I can't imagine only seeing my child for 2-3 hours of the day. I'm pretty sure I'd regret that forever.

The toughest part so far is feeling judged by WOH moms. I have a rich intellectual life and don't limit my conversation to the contents of diapers, but I hear women say "oh my god, I couldn't imagine cleaning bottles and changing diapers all day, I'd go craaazy!" like caring for their own child is somehow beneath them. So I'm wondering why they had kids in the first place if they don't want to care for them.

Actually, YOU sound incredibly judgmental. I wouldn't judge you for being a SAHM but you sure as hell are judging me.

My thoughts exactly. This is the most hypocritical post ever. "It's so tough to be judged by horrible mothers who never see their kids and think they're above caring for them!" Seriously, look in the mirror, pp. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do it!!!!!

You can always goback to work!! So envious, and my dh and I make just over 100k on his salary and I've been home for two yrs....when I wa working we were closer to 200k.....we live tight, but I looooove being the kids. That's not easy either, but a trade off I don't mind making.

Actually, HE makes just over $100k. You make nothing.

[Anonymous]

I think the question needs to be asked of the moms with much, much older kids.

The SAHMs in the midst of caring for pre-school aged kids- babies and toddlers- generally don't have time to bemoan quitting because they are so busy on the home front.

Ask these moms down the road when the kids are in school full-day or approaching college--and then they are trying to get back in the work force (or maybe not).

I say this because I personally know a lot of moms that called it quits without looking far enough into the future. I also know moms that were able to fanagle a part-time schedule thereby keeping a foot in the door and ramping back up to full-time when kids fled the nest (and they were majorly depressed at this time). The impact to their career was much more minimal. The moms I know with an empty nest and no job have suffered the worst.

Obviously, moms married to big earners without the financial stress, the planning for retirment stress and paying for college will have an easier time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I earn about $100k working full time with a flexible schedule. I don't hate my job but don't love it. There are very few jobs in my field in the DC area. I have 2 young children and really want to be there for them when they start elementary school. I would love for one parent to be able to pick up the kids when school ends everyday. DH outearns me by a lot. He earns about $500k now but could probably earn $700-$1 million if he put in the hours.

Every other day I want to quit my job. I used to be very ambitious but my priorities have changed. My children are my #1 priority. I'm fairly certain I can find some sort of part time work/volunteer work.

Would you quit your full time job if you were me?
Anyone regret quitting your job to stay home?

I'd consider part-time options before I considered going cold-turkey. I used to be in a stressful, long-hours job where I thought that it would be much better to be at home full-time than to work, but what I realized is it was the job that was doing crazy things to me, not an actual desire to stay at home. My H earns about what yours earns, and combined, we earn slightly more, but in a million years I would never consider quitting and staying at home full-time. Think about all of the positives of working: you get out of the house and have a life and an identity that revolves around being more than a mom; you can support yourself and your kids if, god forbid, your husband leaves you and/or has a health crisis (I know SAHMs seem never to consider these issues, but, as evidenced by many posts on THIS board, it's a pretty obvious problem); and you keep yourself marketable for when your kids get older, which will be sooner than you think.

I don't understand the posters here that can't imagine why women wouldn't work if they "don't need to." It would be a real shame if everyone that came from, or achieved, some measure of wealth felt they didn't need to contribute anything to society. The choices aren't: stay home if you can afford to, or go to work if you can't. They should be flipped, in my view: go to work if you are achieving something that brings benefit to your family (and that includes benefits beyond financial) or others; or stay home if you have no other good options.

[Anonymous]

My mom stayed at home and ultimately regretted it. It was wonderful to have her around when we were little, but she lived through her kids and grew quite depressed when we got older and left home. She's now happy and has found a volunteering niche that's meaningful to her, but she had many tough years.

She strongly encouraged me to keep working even when I had difficult days. I do think it's important to take the long view. And there's no evidence showing that kids whose parents work and who are in high-quality childcare fare worse than those who have a stay-at-home parent.

Going part-time, 3-4 days a week, has been for me the best of both worlds if it's something you can find, and I am incredibly fortunate in my employer. We do not need my income but both DH and I feel it's important that I continue to work.

[Anonymous]

I don't really see an issue. Since your family seems to be financially comfortable and live below your means, unless your spouse has a problem with it, it's perfectly fine for you to quit.

You can try to find work part-time if being a sah parent full-time seems not to be a fit for you, but if not, you can volunteer and do other things.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it were me I would negotiate a reduced schedule so that I could drop off and pick up my kids from school. That way you are still keeping up your skills, your professional network, and racking up retirement benefits. I am honestly thinking about doing this now. If I cut back to 30 hours a week and worked from 8:30-2:30 every day, I could do it. I think my employer would be game for this. Of course, I'd see some reduction in benefits but would still be eligible for the 401K program and STD. Everything else we could get through my husband's employer.

[Anonymous]

I just returned to work after staying home with my three for three years. I stopped working after my third was born and DH took a fairly stressful job which required him to be gone for huge chunks of time Monday through Friday. It definitely made our lives easier - better? Maybe, maybe not. I think I'm a pretty clued in, involved parent working or not working. Was my life less stressful? yes, definitely it was when I was at home. I hired a nanny and I still don't make it to work on time due to the needs of three still small children. I returned to work for a few reasons, none of which was any unhappiness in staying at home. I loved it. The kids loved it and my husband loved it. I was offered a job with a healthy salary and great benefits that I didn't think would be offered to me if I were to stay home for any longer length of time and I made the right choice. There is a great work/life balance with this position and I am home each evening by 5 and don't leave until 9 every morning. I only work in the evenings a few days a week and only for an hour or less. If this work/life balance did not exist, I would certainly not be happy with my decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I earn about $100k working full time with a flexible schedule. I don't hate my job but don't love it. There are very few jobs in my field in the DC area. I have 2 young children and really want to be there for them when they start elementary school. I would love for one parent to be able to pick up the kids when school ends everyday. DH outearns me by a lot. He earns about $500k now but could probably earn $700-$1 million if he put in the hours.

Every other day I want to quit my job. I used to be very ambitious but my priorities have changed. My children are my #1 priority. I'm fairly certain I can find some sort of part time work/volunteer work.

Would you quit your full time job if you were me?
Anyone regret quitting your job to stay home?

I'd consider part-time options before I considered going cold-turkey. I used to be in a stressful, long-hours job where I thought that it would be much better to be at home full-time than to work, but what I realized is it was the job that was doing crazy things to me, not an actual desire to stay at home. My H earns about what yours earns, and combined, we earn slightly more, but in a million years I would never consider quitting and staying at home full-time. Think about all of the positives of working: you get out of the house and have a life and an identity that revolves around being more than a mom; you can support yourself and your kids if, god forbid, your husband leaves you and/or has a health crisis (I know SAHMs seem never to consider these issues, but, as evidenced by many posts on THIS board, it's a pretty obvious problem); and you keep yourself marketable for when your kids get older, which will be sooner than you think.

I don't understand the posters here that can't imagine why women wouldn't work if they "don't need to." It would be a real shame if everyone that came from, or achieved, some measure of wealth felt they didn't need to contribute anything to society. The choices aren't: stay home if you can afford to, or go to work if you can't. They should be flipped, in my view: go to work if you are achieving something that brings benefit to your family (and that includes benefits beyond financial) or others; or stay home if you have no other good options.

Your comments are as ignorant as the SAHM who claimed WOHM shouldn't have had kids if they didn't want to "raise" them. Newsflash: SAHMs are contributing to society and many do it because they prefer to be the one who is home with their children instead of hiring a 3rd party to help during working hours, not because they have no other good options. Many sacrifice to make this choice, but do so because it is a decision that works for their family. For both SAHM and WOHM, some make their choice b/c they have to and others b/c they want to. There are positives and negatives to all of our decisions and we're all just doing the best that we can to help our families thrive. All of us are contributing to "society," regardless of whether we work out of the home, work from home, work part-time, or stay at home during traditional "working hours" with our children. Give it a rest already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for one second.

It was rough putting my career on hold and giving up the pay/benefits, but it was a no brainer of a decision. Money is tight now, but I can't imagine only seeing my child for 2-3 hours of the day. I'm pretty sure I'd regret that forever.

The toughest part so far is feeling judged by WOH moms. I have a rich intellectual life and don't limit my conversation to the contents of diapers, but I hear women say "oh my god, I couldn't imagine cleaning bottles and changing diapers all day, I'd go craaazy!" like caring for their own child is somehow beneath them. So I'm wondering why they had kids in the first place if they don't want to care for them.

Why did your DH have kids?

My DH took a job with very flexible hours and excellent leave because he wanted children. Not everyone has that luxury, I know. I bring the kids to do activities near his office so we meet him for lunch once or twice a week. I understand that some people need to work, but if it's an option, why wouldn't a parent want to see their children for more than 30-60 minutes of getting ready for daycare in the morning and 1-2 hours of getting ready for bed in the evening? So far I've found it to be enriching and exciting to be able to raise my children. Once they're in school I'll head back to my career (which I've kept with up by freelancing).

I'm just dumbstruck by the amount of parents I hear say "oh my god, I'd go crazy if I had to spend all day with my children". How incredibly sad. My days with my daughters are better than the best day I've had at work and I had a pretty decent career in a creative field. Vomit, poop, screaming or no.

It is not that "some" people have to work. Most people must work, particularly in high COL areas like D.C.

Aside from that, the way you posed your question suggests that working parents do not want to see their children more than a total of 3 hours a day. This is a fallacy in various regards: (1) Most WOHPs see their children for many more hours than that each workday; (2) the amount of time spent with children on weekdays is not the only driver for why one works; (3) it assumes that other-care is inherently inferior to SAHP-care, a premise with which I disagree.

Had you posed your question in a neutral manner, e.g. "why do you choose to work, if you have a choice?" then my answer is,

Because raising children entails about 20 years of my time out of a lifetime of say, 80 years. Of those 20 years, only a few (several at most) entail my children being at home all day; during the rest, they are occupied with school and other out-of-home activities.
Because my job is sufficiently flexible so as to enable me to spend lots of time with my children and WOH.
Because I like my work and have invested a lot of time, energy and money into building it.
Because there are long-term financial, emotional, psychological, and other benefits to my continuing to work, benefits I would lose forever if I took time off to be at home with my children.
Because our family finances are more stable with two incomes than one.
Because divorce, chronic illness, mental illness, layoffs, and other awful things happen, things that are buffered by my holding a steady and high-paying job.

Statistically speaking, I'm sure MOST women in this area have to WOH. But for the affluent that frequent this board and the mom groups I've been to, they absolutely do not. They make life choices to have cars, houses, vacations, private schools, etc. which make them "need" to keep working without taking a few years off. Good for them. I have friends who don't need to work but choose to and it's absolutely the right choice for them.

Listen, I have always considered myself a staunch feminist even before I knew what that word was. It hasn't been easy to stay at home because of society's view of SAHMs—that's really the only conflict I have. I don't understand is why it seems a bunch of parents I know would never even consider spending more time with their children while they are young. A friend of mine has to work to keep her husband in his fancy car and house. She has expressed the desire to stay at home, but meanwhile she is a single mom during the week — said husband doesn't see his daughter AT ALL, not for one minute M-F and he has to check out to work from home on the weekends. [b]I guess I just don't understand when parents don't want to spend time with their kids. Your children need you. Make it count.[/b]

And yes, raising kids takes 20 years

PP whose post you quoted here. I explained above why people choose to work. What part of my post do you not understand?

And why do you insist on framing the issue as "parents don't want to spend time with their kids"? That is not the central issue for people. Not at all.

You sound very defensive. It is not a zero-sum game. Your choice to SAH doesn't make my choice to WOH wrong, or vice-versa.

[Anonymous]

My child is in upper elementary school and I have never stopped working FT. I know several moms at our school who stopped working when their kids were born. The older the kids, the more regret from the mom. A couple of them clearly definitely thought they could take a long time off and walk back into their prior career at the corresponding level -- like they walked away from their career 10 years ago and expect to walk back in 10 years later at the 10 years later level. There are definitely a couple who didn't like school or work and are happy staying at home forever, but they are few and far between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child is in upper elementary school and I have never stopped working FT. I know several moms at our school who stopped working when their kids were born. The older the kids, the more regret from the mom. A couple of them clearly definitely thought they could take a long time off and walk back into their prior career at the corresponding level -- like they walked away from their career 10 years ago and expect to walk back in 10 years later at the 10 years later level. There are definitely a couple who didn't like school or work and are happy staying at home forever, but they are few and far between.

Op, this is what you need to hear. Here is a poster offering the view from 10 years down the line.
Most of the other posts are from parents of preschoolers. Sure, it might be great in the short term. I like to hear real life examples like this when I consider this situation.

[Anonymous]

If possible, I suggest you take a leave of absence from your job. You won't understant the malaise that sets into SAH parenthood until you've been doing it for a while. I stayed at home for 18 months, but always had a foot in the door at my old job (doing contract work for them sporadically) and I returned to part time only 11 weeks after my second was born. I love my children dearly, but full time stay at home life was not for me. FWIW, money is not an issue for my family either though it is nice to have the extra income again to pad our savings and college funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The boredom and drudgery of childcare and housework almost drove me bonkers.

This is me too.

I'll be the voice of dissent. I left my job to sah and have since returned to work. Staying home is HARD. You say you have no time to yourself now. That will only get worse if you sah, at least while the kids are little. I don't regret my time at home but am so much happier back at work, and looking back should have gone back sooner

.

And this. I SAH and couldn't stand it. I loved being with my kids, but the cooking, cleaning, every single day. day in and day out. the grocery shopping, laundry, folding clothes, over and over again. drove me crazy. I thought my job was boring when I was in it, but once staying home for a while, I would have done anything to have my job back.

Consider an extended leave - I envisioned my life would be like it was when I took a week or two off, which was fun and exciting, playing with the kids, etc. But the difference was the repetition of it all. Just consider all the details of everything that has to get done that you may outsource right now, but would fall on your shoulders if you SAH.

[Anonymous]

If I had the kind of money you had? I would not. I would have a house cleaner and a part-time babysitter for just 2-3 hours a week, which would have made me a bit more sane. Now that my kids are 3 and 5, things are easier, but I did regret it for awhile.

But, do yourself a favor and keep a VERY part-time consultancy open while you're home, just to keep options open if things change.