Any moms regret quitting their jobs to stay home?

[Anonymous]

6:10 here again. I agree with the PP's that say it's worth going PT and seeing how it goes. If I could do it again, I would have gone PT and see if that worked for me before going full time SAH. I took off a year and was hired back by my old firm by my old partner, but don't know if it would have been as easy for me to find a job after a year out of the workforce otherwise. Several friends of mine who have been SAH for various lengths of time have had a very hard time getting jobs - employers don't value the 3, 4, or 5 years they've dedicated to being a SAHM (which is unfortunate). Something to keep in mind.

[Anonymous]

Not for one second.

It was rough putting my career on hold and giving up the pay/benefits, but it was a no brainer of a decision. Money is tight now, but I can't imagine only seeing my child for 2-3 hours of the day. I'm pretty sure I'd regret that forever.

The toughest part so far is feeling judged by WOH moms. I have a rich intellectual life and don't limit my conversation to the contents of diapers, but I hear women say "oh my god, I couldn't imagine cleaning bottles and changing diapers all day, I'd go craaazy!" like caring for their own child is somehow beneath them. So I'm wondering why they had kids in the first place if they don't want to care for them.

[Anonymous]

Sigh ^^ Their are MANY ways to care for your children. You can be a WOH mom who is as involved with their children as a SAHM ( i speak from experience of growing up with a WOH mom while all of my friends moms stayed home)...my mom was and still is crazy involved in my life and never missed a soccer game or dance recital, volunteered at all school events and knew all my friends by name..while my friends moms did none of the above. A title does not describe your parenting. My best friend is currently a SAHM and I would visit her on my maternity leave and the kids were frankly either playing by themselves or in front of a tv...while she cleaned and cooked and did laundry, of course their are other SAHM who are insanely involved..it is all what you make of it. So to make a broad generalization like you did is ridiculous.

In regards to the OP...It is a tough choice, one that I am grappling with myself, but I do agree with some other PP I think personally Part time would be the best option, you can keep your foot in the door and still find that outlet you are looking for. Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Anonymous]

I would go crazy as a SAHM, but not because I think it's beneath me. On the contrary, it's one of the hardest jobs I can think of. I would go bananas. I love my kids, but I need my "adult" outlet.

OP, if I were in your position (and I have frequently dreamed about my husband having an income like yours does, oh my ... instead he pulls down 60K), I would probably quit my FT job, but start a PT gig from home doing something that really inspires me, and I'd probably hire someone to help with the kids a few hours a day while I do that. That would help me scratch that itch I have to engage in more esoteric pursuits and give me time to recharge so that when I get to Chutes & Ladders I'll be fully engaged. And I would get to spend more time with my babies. I do love my career path (if not necessarily the job I'm in right now) but I hate that I only get to see my kiddos a few hours a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not for one second.

It was rough putting my career on hold and giving up the pay/benefits, but it was a no brainer of a decision. Money is tight now, but I can't imagine only seeing my child for 2-3 hours of the day. I'm pretty sure I'd regret that forever.

The toughest part so far is feeling judged by WOH moms. I have a rich intellectual life and don't limit my conversation to the contents of diapers, but I hear women say "oh my god, I couldn't imagine cleaning bottles and changing diapers all day, I'd go craaazy!" like caring for their own child is somehow beneath them. So I'm wondering why they had kids in the first place if they don't want to care for them.

Why did your DH have kids?

[Anonymous]

Currently I don't... but I am guessing when I try to get back into the work force I might some. It's going to be a serious uphill battle. But that was a risk I was willing to take.

[Anonymous]

I am debating whether to be a SAHM too. I wonder since money isn't an issue in this case if volunteer work is an option? When the kids are at school maybe it would be another outlet to interact with adults and not talk about baby things?

[Anonymous]

After nearly 7 years at home, I still feel conflicted about whether it was the right move, or rather, whether we made good choices when we decided to have three kids and pursue high intensity careers many years ago.

Undoubtedly my family is better off with me at home. Our income in higher (we were in the same position as the OP -- when my husband didn't have to worry about sharing household responsibilities his already large income increased), our household is much less stressed, and everyone is healthier because we eat better and have time to exercise/participate in sports. I love having the time to go to the events at school and attend after school events and games. Also, my adolescent and teenage boys are not easy and it definitely helps to have me present in the house when they are home.

The downside is that there is an empty nest looming not too far in the future and it will be hard to find a role for myself.

We made a series of choices that got us to this point. I always envisioned us as a two-income family but my husband works too many hours and travels too much plus we had three kids (and some major health issues) that more or less required me to stay home. I try and remember that and embrace the time with my family when I read about old colleagues doing fabulous things at work.

Regret is too strong of a word, but there are definitely pluses and minuses to staying at home. I definitely wish it were easier to go back into the labor market.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for one second.

It was rough putting my career on hold and giving up the pay/benefits, but it was a no brainer of a decision. Money is tight now, but I can't imagine only seeing my child for 2-3 hours of the day. I'm pretty sure I'd regret that forever.

The toughest part so far is feeling judged by WOH moms. I have a rich intellectual life and don't limit my conversation to the contents of diapers, but I hear women say "oh my god, I couldn't imagine cleaning bottles and changing diapers all day, I'd go craaazy!" like caring for their own child is somehow beneath them. So I'm wondering why they had kids in the first place if they don't want to care for them.

Why did your DH have kids?

My DH took a job with very flexible hours and excellent leave because he wanted children. Not everyone has that luxury, I know. I bring the kids to do activities near his office so we meet him for lunch once or twice a week. I understand that some people need to work, but if it's an option, why wouldn't a parent want to see their children for more than 30-60 minutes of getting ready for daycare in the morning and 1-2 hours of getting ready for bed in the evening? So far I've found it to be enriching and exciting to be able to raise my children. Once they're in school I'll head back to my career (which I've kept with up by freelancing).

I'm just dumbstruck by the amount of parents I hear say "oh my god, I'd go crazy if I had to spend all day with my children". How incredibly sad. My days with my daughters are better than the best day I've had at work and I had a pretty decent career in a creative field. Vomit, poop, screaming or no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for one second.

It was rough putting my career on hold and giving up the pay/benefits, but it was a no brainer of a decision. Money is tight now, but I can't imagine only seeing my child for 2-3 hours of the day. I'm pretty sure I'd regret that forever.

The toughest part so far is feeling judged by WOH moms. I have a rich intellectual life and don't limit my conversation to the contents of diapers, but I hear women say "oh my god, I couldn't imagine cleaning bottles and changing diapers all day, I'd go craaazy!" like caring for their own child is somehow beneath them. So I'm wondering why they had kids in the first place if they don't want to care for them.

Why did your DH have kids?

My DH took a job with very flexible hours and excellent leave because he wanted children. Not everyone has that luxury, I know. I bring the kids to do activities near his office so we meet him for lunch once or twice a week. I understand that some people need to work, but if it's an option, why wouldn't a parent want to see their children for more than 30-60 minutes of getting ready for daycare in the morning and 1-2 hours of getting ready for bed in the evening? So far I've found it to be enriching and exciting to be able to raise my children. Once they're in school I'll head back to my career (which I've kept with up by freelancing).

I'm just dumbstruck by the amount of parents I hear say "oh my god, I'd go crazy if I had to spend all day with my children". How incredibly sad. My days with my daughters are better than the best day I've had at work and I had a pretty decent career in a creative field. Vomit, poop, screaming or no.

It is not that "some" people have to work. Most people must work, particularly in high COL areas like D.C.

Aside from that, the way you posed your question suggests that working parents do not want to see their children more than a total of 3 hours a day. This is a fallacy in various regards: (1) Most WOHPs see their children for many more hours than that each workday; (2) the amount of time spent with children on weekdays is not the only driver for why one works; (3) it assumes that other-care is inherently inferior to SAHP-care, a premise with which I disagree.

Had you posed your question in a neutral manner, e.g. "why do you choose to work, if you have a choice?" then my answer is,

Because raising children entails about 20 years of my time out of a lifetime of say, 80 years. Of those 20 years, only a few (several at most) entail my children being at home all day; during the rest, they are occupied with school and other out-of-home activities.
Because my job is sufficiently flexible so as to enable me to spend lots of time with my children and WOH.
Because I like my work and have invested a lot of time, energy and money into building it.
Because there are long-term financial, emotional, psychological, and other benefits to my continuing to work, benefits I would lose forever if I took time off to be at home with my children.
Because our family finances are more stable with two incomes than one.
Because divorce, chronic illness, mental illness, layoffs, and other awful things happen, things that are buffered by my holding a steady and high-paying job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The boredom and drudgery of childcare and housework almost drove me bonkers.

Your poor children. But hey, whatever digs you gotta make at SAHMs to make yourself feel better.

She wasn't "digging" at anyone. She was saying what the experience was like for her. Do you honestly think SAH is the right choice for every mother? That's pretty silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The boredom and drudgery of childcare and housework almost drove me bonkers.

Your poor children. But hey, whatever digs you gotta make at SAHMs to make yourself feel better.

She wasn't "digging" at anyone. She was saying what the experience was like for her. Do you honestly think SAH is the right choice for every mother? That's pretty silly.

Of course SAH isn't the right choice for every mother, but that choice should not be because spending time with her kids is "drudgery". It should be for a valid reason like needing adult interaction, being very fulfilled at work, financial, etc. etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for one second.

It was rough putting my career on hold and giving up the pay/benefits, but it was a no brainer of a decision. Money is tight now, but I can't imagine only seeing my child for 2-3 hours of the day. I'm pretty sure I'd regret that forever.

The toughest part so far is feeling judged by WOH moms. I have a rich intellectual life and don't limit my conversation to the contents of diapers, but I hear women say "oh my god, I couldn't imagine cleaning bottles and changing diapers all day, I'd go craaazy!" like caring for their own child is somehow beneath them. So I'm wondering why they had kids in the first place if they don't want to care for them.

Why did your DH have kids?

My DH took a job with very flexible hours and excellent leave because he wanted children. Not everyone has that luxury, I know. I bring the kids to do activities near his office so we meet him for lunch once or twice a week. I understand that some people need to work, but if it's an option, why wouldn't a parent want to see their children for more than 30-60 minutes of getting ready for daycare in the morning and 1-2 hours of getting ready for bed in the evening? So far I've found it to be enriching and exciting to be able to raise my children. Once they're in school I'll head back to my career (which I've kept with up by freelancing).

I'm just dumbstruck by the amount of parents I hear say "oh my god, I'd go crazy if I had to spend all day with my children". How incredibly sad. My days with my daughters are better than the best day I've had at work and I had a pretty decent career in a creative field. Vomit, poop, screaming or no.

It is not that "some" people have to work. Most people must work, particularly in high COL areas like D.C.

Aside from that, the way you posed your question suggests that working parents do not want to see their children more than a total of 3 hours a day. This is a fallacy in various regards: (1) Most WOHPs see their children for many more hours than that each workday; (2) the amount of time spent with children on weekdays is not the only driver for why one works; (3) it assumes that other-care is inherently inferior to SAHP-care, a premise with which I disagree.

Had you posed your question in a neutral manner, e.g. "why do you choose to work, if you have a choice?" then my answer is,

Because raising children entails about 20 years of my time out of a lifetime of say, 80 years. Of those 20 years, only a few (several at most) entail my children being at home all day; during the rest, they are occupied with school and other out-of-home activities.
Because my job is sufficiently flexible so as to enable me to spend lots of time with my children and WOH.
Because I like my work and have invested a lot of time, energy and money into building it.
Because there are long-term financial, emotional, psychological, and other benefits to my continuing to work, benefits I would lose forever if I took time off to be at home with my children.
Because our family finances are more stable with two incomes than one.
Because divorce, chronic illness, mental illness, layoffs, and other awful things happen, things that are buffered by my holding a steady and high-paying job.

Statistically speaking, I'm sure MOST women in this area have to WOH. But for the affluent that frequent this board and the mom groups I've been to, they absolutely do not. They make life choices to have cars, houses, vacations, private schools, etc. which make them "need" to keep working without taking a few years off. Good for them. I have friends who don't need to work but choose to and it's absolutely the right choice for them.

Listen, I have always considered myself a staunch feminist even before I knew what that word was. It hasn't been easy to stay at home because of society's view of SAHMs—that's really the only conflict I have. I don't understand is why it seems a bunch of parents I know would never even consider spending more time with their children while they are young. A friend of mine has to work to keep her husband in his fancy car and house. She has expressed the desire to stay at home, but meanwhile she is a single mom during the week — said husband doesn't see his daughter AT ALL, not for one minute M-F and he has to check out to work from home on the weekends. I guess I just don't understand when parents don't want to spend time with their kids. Your children need you. Make it count.

And yes, raising kids takes 20 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not for one second.

It was rough putting my career on hold and giving up the pay/benefits, but it was a no brainer of a decision. Money is tight now, but I can't imagine only seeing my child for 2-3 hours of the day. I'm pretty sure I'd regret that forever.

The toughest part so far is feeling judged by WOH moms. I have a rich intellectual life and don't limit my conversation to the contents of diapers, but I hear women say "oh my god, I couldn't imagine cleaning bottles and changing diapers all day, I'd go craaazy!" like caring for their own child is somehow beneath them. So I'm wondering why they had kids in the first place if they don't want to care for them.

Actually, YOU sound incredibly judgmental. I wouldn't judge you for being a SAHM but you sure as hell are judging me.

[Anonymous]

Don't regret it at all. I wasn't sure I wanted to stay home as the kids were high energy, often irritable or grumpy, and generally very tiring kids. Weekends were busy and not particuarly relaxing! I wasn't sure I could do it. I had what I thought were two 'difficult' kids and envied people whose kids seemed so much calmer, better behaved, and generally easier.

The first month was really rough but we soon settled into a routine and my kids changed completely. I realized that the hecticness of our life before, the daily stimulation of daycare, the commute, the rushed lives was what was making them irritable, high energy and difficult - they were stressed out. Once that was gone from our daily life, they calmed down, became much more relaxed, are happier and I now too have the 'easier' kids I once envied.

Their sleep patterns also changed. When I worked they were often not in bed until 8:30 or so and then I woke them up for the day. I told myself they just didn't need that much sleep and that they napped at daycare. Now that I am home they are usually asleep by 7:30 and they sleep in longer. So basically they were sleep deprived as well.

Once I saw these kinds of changes and realized that staying home meant I had happier, calmer, healthier, kids any regret I had vanished. There are moments when I really miss work but I look at my kids and see how much me being home has benefited them and I still feel pangs of guilt for the years my kids spent being stressed out and irritable and for me thinking that was just who they were.

If I had to go back to work, I would go the nanny route now where someone could still maintain the routines and calm of the family life we have now.