Fitting in financially DOES matter, like it or not

[Anonymous]

That is right. With a privat school you pay for a "better" peer group.
But don't be fooled. The poor public school kids will get drunk on cheap wine an cheap drugs. In private schools the wine is more expensive and the drugs are fancier.

A school will not save your kid from the rigours of adolescense. You just have a lot of parents who think they know (but I'm sure they know they do not know).

Each to his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Law firm partner here. We fit in financially. But find that this just makes us another face in the crowed. Money is not enough for you to be the Big Family on Campus, let alone truly fitting in. At least in this city, we've found its power (fancy titles and access). But for the fabulous education DC is receiving, we would have left the school and this city years ago.

I find this to be a rather odd definition of fitting in. You need to be even more than a "Big Family on Campus" in order to fit in? Why can't you fit in as just another face in the crowd--since by definition the crowd incudes many others?

Life is like High School redux. Any for families in private school, this becomes much more reality than metaphor.

[Anonymous]

No, it's not. Most people mature after high school. You can choose to relive your high school dramas in a private school setting--or you can choose to deal with other parents as adults.

[Anonymous]

Fitting in does matter, but it is not really about money, it is about values. People who choose to earn their living differently often have very different ideas about what is important in life and education, even about such things as the importance of academics and sports, discipline and self-expression, risk taking, working v playing etc. And different choices over time can lead to different income levels.

So if my income were to be much lower than school norms, my concern would not be about differences in material goods. Instead, I would be very conscious that I was choosing to educate my child in an environment full of people who chose to organize their lives differently. That could be good or bad.

[Anonymous]

Money can distort many things in life.
Long live materialism!

[Anonymous]

I posted at 21:56. I guess I feel like even if your kid is not materialistic, and your family stresses that money doesn't matter, your kid still might get a skewed view of the world, believing that your family's $150K (for example) income is low. It's not low relative to most of the households in the world, and in some ways it's good to be aware of that -- to know how privileged you really are. You can become awfully entitled if you grow up believing an income like that is just giving you the absolute scratch basics of life.

[Anonymous]

PP, I agree completely. We make more than the figure you cite, but we still don't have the amenities that other families have, and it shows in certain undeniable ways.

My kids notice, and occasionally they make observations to me, although they don't complain. And I certainly don't think we're teaching them materialistic values.

Nevertheless, it's there. I'm the mom with the the kid's classmate who asked how old my car was. And my kids have mentioned once or twice, and not in complaining ways, mind you, but just observing, that they were among the last in their classes (at two different schools) to go to Europe. We do our best to tell our kids that we're actually doing really well, that we have choices that aren't available to everybody, that the important values are getting a good education and being a good person, et cetera. But none of this lecturing us that it's all the parents's fault is going to stop kids from seeing what's really there.

[Anonymous]

We are an average family at an independent school and have been at the same place for over five years starting in a JK class. Overall, we have been happy and feel as though we fit with both parents and kids--- but there are many hidden costs to education that are not cheap. My daughter needed (and still needs) tutoring and the school was not able to provide the kind and amount of tutoring needed. You would not believe how expensive it is -- $125 an hour twice a week (call the Lab School, Kingsbury Center, etc... it is the going rate). The learning evaluation (at the Lab School) was over $2,000 (for a 2 day 8 hour a day assessment). In addition to tuition, we have been spending an additional $1,000 to $1200 a MONTH! (for the last year). We are hoping that this is a short term tutoring thing but our school acts as though it is no big deal. On one hand, it is nice to accommodate a weakness but the school is requiring twice a week tutoring and it is not free.... The school has indicated that many people are getting tutoring privately... and that the cost is no big no deal.. In speaking with a few parents, I know that this is true... Over the last year, we have spent about $13,000 in tutoring per one child in one year. I just hope that some of the people on shoestring budgets would never need tutoring. There are lots of hidden costs that are not included but no one seems to be mentioning tutoring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are an average family at an independent school and have been at the same place for over five years starting in a JK class. Overall, we have been happy and feel as though we fit with both parents and kids--- but there are many hidden costs to education that are not cheap. My daughter needed (and still needs) tutoring and the school was not able to provide the kind and amount of tutoring needed. You would not believe how expensive it is -- $125 an hour twice a week (call the Lab School, Kingsbury Center, etc... it is the going rate). The learning evaluation (at the Lab School) was over $2,000 (for a 2 day 8 hour a day assessment). In addition to tuition, we have been spending an additional $1,000 to $1200 a MONTH! (for the last year). We are hoping that this is a short term tutoring thing but our school acts as though it is no big deal. On one hand, it is nice to accommodate a weakness but the school is requiring twice a week tutoring and it is not free.... The school has indicated that many people are getting tutoring privately... and that the cost is no big no deal.. In speaking with a few parents, I know that this is true... Over the last year, we have spent about $13,000 in tutoring per one child in one year. I just hope that some of the people on shoestring budgets would never need tutoring. There are lots of hidden costs that are not included but no one seems to be mentioning tutoring.

this 'tutoring' is why a parent I know took her child out of a well-regarded private school
What's the point of paying $25K/yr, if your child's learning needs won't be met within the school?
She went to MCPS and got all the one-on-one attention her child needed, free of charge...

[Anonymous]

Moral of the story, take into account the snobbish factor when deciding if a school will be a good fit.
Don't get fooled by the application process and think your kid has won a lottery if they get accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are an average family at an independent school and have been at the same place for over five years starting in a JK class. Overall, we have been happy and feel as though we fit with both parents and kids--- but there are many hidden costs to education that are not cheap. My daughter needed (and still needs) tutoring and the school was not able to provide the kind and amount of tutoring needed. You would not believe how expensive it is -- $125 an hour twice a week (call the Lab School, Kingsbury Center, etc... it is the going rate). The learning evaluation (at the Lab School) was over $2,000 (for a 2 day 8 hour a day assessment). In addition to tuition, we have been spending an additional $1,000 to $1200 a MONTH! (for the last year). We are hoping that this is a short term tutoring thing but our school acts as though it is no big deal. On one hand, it is nice to accommodate a weakness but the school is requiring twice a week tutoring and it is not free.... The school has indicated that many people are getting tutoring privately... and that the cost is no big no deal.. In speaking with a few parents, I know that this is true... Over the last year, we have spent about $13,000 in tutoring per one child in one year. I just hope that some of the people on shoestring budgets would never need tutoring. There are lots of hidden costs that are not included but no one seems to be mentioning tutoring.

this 'tutoring' is why a parent I know took her child out of a well-regarded private school
What's the point of paying $25K/yr, if your child's learning needs won't be met within the school?
She went to MCPS and got all the one-on-one attention her child needed, free of charge...

I don't understand how a school can "require" tutoring? How do they put it to you? Why don't you have the option to hire your own priviate tutor at your own rate? Are you implying that this is more of a way for the teachers to make additional income and that it is not really "necessary"?

[Anonymous]

We've put three kids through 2 of the Big NW privates. We are what most would consider on the upper, upper end of the range of incomes. I can say that there have been times that I felt others felt we were unapproachable, or came in with some preconceived notion of who we were (i.e., snobs). I can also say that when interacting with families, often single mother families, at the extreme other end of the spectrum, I always felt that we had much less in common, and was always fearful of saying something that could be misconstrued as a slight. But really, in terms of "fitting in," it comes down to your DC. If your DC is friendly and well-liked, he/she will fit in. And that likely will usually trickle up. If your DC befriends my DC, then inevitably, so will we.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've put three kids through 2 of the Big NW privates. We are what most would consider on the upper, upper end of the range of incomes. I can say that there have been times that I felt others felt we were unapproachable, or came in with some preconceived notion of who we were (i.e., snobs). I can also say that when interacting with families, often single mother families, at the extreme other end of the spectrum, I always felt that we had much less in common, and was always fearful of saying something that could be misconstrued as a slight. But really, in terms of "fitting in," it comes down to your DC. If your DC is friendly and well-liked, he/she will fit in. And that likely will usually trickle up. If your DC befriends my DC, then inevitably, so will we.

Good post. I have children at privates. "Fitting in" is really about the DC and no amount of money/power/access can help them with their peer relations as they mature and become high school students. When those 3 factors are access points for friendship then you can see various little groups forming among the students who have no other common talking points. Money can be a delicate balancing act but even more so will be the attributes of your child. There are parents earning 150k that I trust when having teens at their home and parents with extreme wealth whom I do NOT.

[Anonymous]

"Appearances, it turns out, can be very deceiving...."

Great statement. Summer and school breaks are good examples. If parents have older children then those children's commitments might determine family vacation schedules and locations. Many older children have athletics for high school [training, camps, conditioning] and also take classes or attend Johns Hopkins CTY. The more success the child experiences the less time the parent might have for full family vacations or summering on the Vineyard.

[Anonymous]

Thinking about the type of education that I hope for my children in the future, the OP really struck a cord with me. In middle school I found myself in the quite unhappy position of being the least affluent in my private school class. No adult needed to tell me; I was fully aware as were my peers. I do not think that children need, nor is it advisable, to give them everything that "the others" have... but it is important for them to be able to share in part with their peer group during those age 12+ years. My husband (who attended neighborhood publics) thinks this is hogwash. "Who cares about all this stuff, it's who you are," is his take. I agree, but realize that feeling as though you are on the outside looking in can inhibit a child's ability to feel free to be themselves.