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Fitting in financially DOES matter, like it or not
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Anonymous
| From what I have seen, the culture at Green Acres is different than at Norwood. Green Acres tuition is higher, but the parents seem more down to earth. |
Anonymous
Actually the kids do notice, starting at about 4-6th grade. They notice that your car is older than other families' cars. They notice that some kids go abroad more than others. They know the difference between Uggs and Fuggs (fake Uggs). I can only imagine that it will get worse as they get older. And this isn't me pointing out that our cars are old, as you suggest. It's one of the kid's friends getting in our car and asking how old it is. (We recently upgraded cars, so we're OK now!) It's the classroom discussions of what everybody did on spring or summer break. For the most part, us parents have know idea where most of the class is going on holiday, so we're not drawing dire comparisons with our own road trips to Pennsylvania or something. Kids are really perceptive, they don't need us parents to tell them what their social status is. Kids in late elementary school are all about social status, unfortunately! |
Anonymous
| We go to a suburban private school, and I think we are at the lower end of the economic range of the families in our child's class. However, were we to go to public school, I think there would also be a big range, because the schools here in the suburbs are pretty good. We might not be at the lower part of the class as we are now, but more in the middle. Either way, there are going to be kids with lots of stuff talking to my kids, and I would still feel in the back of my mind that we aren't keeping up with the Jone's. The parents are almost all quite nice in our private school, and I truly think that all of them want whats best for their kids, whatever the choices they've made are. |
Anonymous
| As the green revolution picks up, that all might change, pp. We have quite a bit of money, and so do our close friends, but we all choose to be very green (also vegan). That said, our friends' next house, which was supposed to be built this year, will be very solar, with geothermal heat pumps, and so on. It will NOT be big, but it will be a bit expensive. They can afford the largest of houses, but it is a choice. Not every one with cash chooses to splurge in the same way. |
Anonymous
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I attended the most expensive private high school in my hometown on scholarship and work study; my family was college-educated and lower middle class (ie, teacher, social worker, nurse, state-employed scientist, etc.).
The differences between my family and 96% of the other families were obvious and painful to me. Really painful actually. I had decent self-esteem up UNTIL 9th grade / this school. My take away from the experience is that my kids ought not be the token "poor" kids in any given school, relatively speaking. A wide range is cool, but my kids aren't going to be few on work study when 98% of the kids are rolling in it (again, relatively speaking). No child asks to be really different and stick out, and based on my personal experience, even a solid, loving, non-materialistic home life doesn't buffer you well enough for the situation I described. |
Anonymous
| PSA ... Building a brand new "green" house is an oxymoron. If your friends walked the walk, they'd stay in the house they are living in, and update appliances, heating systems, etc. as things wear out. |
Anonymous
My only take-away from this is that yes, good taste is expensive. I'm not a huge fan of David Brooks, but read his book Bobos in Paradise for an aesthetic that definitely has nothing to do with Mcmansions. Believe me, the price of the "green" house will not be lost on anybody who visits it, including their kids' friends when they get the tour of the cool new house.... |
Anonymous
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I don't know that there exists a place where everyone will "fit in financially"? I grew up in a wealthy suburb (not around here, but similar). Many kids drove porsches, BMWs, etc. I was aware of it. My parents moved there for the great schools. Sometimes in life you end up surrounded by people who have more than you. I feel like the private school we are at has a wider range of families than I experienced in my public school.
Our neighborhood has homes that are estates with rolling grounds and some that are small bungalow styles. I don't think there is a "perfect" place where everyone has similar houses, cars, and incomes. I think that would be kind of boring anyway. |
Anonymous
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Agree with OP. But I think the few $ ranges thrown out are a bit off. Can you really fit in with an income of 100-150K? I doubt it. After taxes, that's 75-120K. After tuition that's 50-95K. After afterschool childcare and activities, 40-85K.
I think the average income/wealth nears ten times this at the big 3. Am I wrong? They are populated with senior associates and law partners making between 350K and 1.5 million a year, not to mention the family money types. I think any family bringing home under 300K without family money would be in the bottom 20-25% or so. That doesn't mean that this 20% isn't enough of a critical mass to make it comfortable for you and your family, but if fitting in is a priority, it might be a risk. We send our DS to a non big 3 private, make 500K combined, but have no family money no home equity and major student loans, and definitely feel like we are in the lower third or so. Our 5 YO has come home from birthday parties asking why we don't have XYZ. But we feel fortunate to be able to provide her with the art, music, athletics we never had as kids, and will keep it up unless we sense DS feels like he doesn't fit in. |
Anonymous
| Look, we make good money, and I have not been to a mall in over 12 months. I never shop, our furniture is old, our cars are a mess, mostly because of the way I drive. If we won 10 million in the lottery, very little would change. We're stuck in the mud, and don't mind. |
Anonymous
I think your post is brilliant. My child is only in nursery school, and we live in a very modest home in a great DC neighborhood - and what I keep noticing is the trips other families are making. Most of our friends summered in Europe, Australia, Martha's Vineyard, and the Hamptons. We summered in....DC. Anyhow, if I didn't know better, I might think you were exaggerating. I can pay for Uggs and a good car, but not for these $40k vacations. My chid is too young to notice, but I notice. And it makes me feel bad. |
Anonymous
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Not trying to be rude, but I can't believe the poster who all but refers to those of $100-150K as the poor! It's about giving your child the best education you possibly can. If that means public school, great...private school, great. Some don't flinch at the tuition while others sacrifice so much to pay tuition. I believe that if you decide private school is what you want and what is best for your child, who cares about what the other parents make. Sure, there needs to be some consideration for "fitting in", but I think many on this thread are taking this too seriously. Struggling to pay tuition, at a big 3...I could CARE LESS about other parents who are the "washington elite"!!! My child is getting a great education, is not the token poor kid, we are comfortable with our middle class status (based on real world not washington), and I am educated and cultured enough not to be intimidated by the arogance that often comes with affluence.
Many times I have not fit in, while my child has...so as an earlier poster stated this is more of an adult issue/complex. If the child is being challenged academically, has friends, and has a socio-economic status that allows child to SOMEWHAT relate...give your child that education. When you have a "I don't fit in" moment, go read a book, talk on your cell phone, and ignore the arogant bastards. |
Anonymous
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PP, I'm the poster you mention. I was not trying to be insulting to people making 100-150K (who are rich by my standards, but not by Sidwell's), I was just to answer the OP's question. People are all different, and for some people, fitting in matters.
As a matter of fact, one of the reasons our DS goes to private school is because we wanted a kinder social environment for him and us. We appreciate having a committed community of parents and the emotional/behavioral curriculum. One of the difficult things for us to asses was-- would this investment of $25 K really buy this product we wanted to buy, or not. Because, frankly, I think the curriculum in our local public is exactly the same. There is just so much more to an education than the curriculum. But much of that is lost if you don't fit in, or feel alienated. (Or, maybe I'm just not educated or cultured enough to blow it off? But I'm not ashamed to say I care about fitting in, and providing a comfortable environment for DS to learn about math and about life) |
Anonymous
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Fitting in is very important to a child, perhaps more so than to an adult who has some perspective and additional maturity...
For a child, school is maybe 70% of their socialization; they're at school more waking hours than in the home. No kid wants to be teased for wearing 'the wrong clothes', or 'living in a bad area'. And that IS a reality, even for kids in elementary schools... |
Anonymous
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A bit more nuance: we've got two kids at a Big 3, and we're at the low edge of well off, I guess - 300K. What the kids notice is house size; otherwise, they're pretty much wrong about who has how much money. One mother bought kids in her group expensive souvenirs on a field trip, so she is now pegged as "rich." North Face and Uggs are suddenly popular around 5th grade, but so far we are not hearing snarky comments about people who don't have them/can't afford them.
But: lots of those people made their money in commercial real estate, or they're law partners. And many of them (and their kids) are lousy in math and science. Sometimes fitting in is about more than money. Where do NIH researchers send their kids? |