Fitting in financially DOES matter, like it or not

[Anonymous]

There has been so much hostility about the recent discussions of whether an average dc-area family will fit in at the private schools, what average is, etc. All the hostility had prompted me to add my two cents, FWIW:
1) My parents struggled financially to send me and my brothers to a fancy prep school. They made too much to qualify for financial aid, but not enough to comfortably cover the tuition. They definitely sacrificed for our educations. We got great educations, made great, lifelong friends, and went on to ivy league schools. I think they made the right choice and am still grateful. HOWEVER, I think long and hard about whether I want to do the same for my kids. It will be somewhat financially difficult (though not as hard as it was for my parents) but more importantly, I am concerned about the communities at these schools. I know firsthand that when all the kids get cars on their 16th bdays, all go on great vacations, have summers at second homes, have ski weekends, not to mention the expensive parties and clothes, it can be hard for the kids that don't. Even more importantly, kids that have EVERYTHING handed to them can often have messed up values. Of course not always, but often. Not sure I want to surround my kids with that. I want them to know people from all walks of life, to understand that things need to be earned, that hard work pays off. And YES, you teach your kids that, no matter where they go to school and no matter who they hang out with. But it is harder to teach them that when they are in a school of very wealth families -- and denying this fact is just naive and idealistic.
2) I want to know if my rather average DC-area family will fit in at these schools, and while there are many factors in that decision, where we fit in financially is one of those factors. So for all of you that think these questions are stupid or cynical, you should just move on to the next question. I see no reason why you need to berate people who are just trying to make the best decisions for their children. Yes, it is uncomfortable to talk about income and all that -- but this board is anonymous, and that is one of its benefits.

[Anonymous]

Don't you learn all that in college?

[Anonymous]

My feeling is that there will always be people who have more than you do and there will always be people who have less.

You shouldn't spend your life worrying about those who have more, because they will always be there.

Spend your life helping those who are less fortunate. You'll be much better off doing that.

[Anonymous]

That's reasonable, PP, but I do think the OP is looking for some hard numbers. To give you those, I need to know your income and what school you will be attending, and your house value.

I'm actually not being snarky. Average DC tells me nothing. If you tell me your HH income is $40,000, I'm going to tell you you will not "fit it" in any of the biggies. If you have an income of $150,000, you'll be fine. If you are in the $80-$100K range, you will notice huge differences, and you'll need to remind your child that you can't do all the things his friends' families do. But then that might mean not "fitting in". So the question is, what exactly do you mean by fitting in?

[Anonymous]

OP, we have our dd in an expensive private school in the area. We do not make as much money as "they" do, but we can afford the tuition without huge sacrifice.

That said, "they" might say that we don't fit in, but I would say that they don't "fit into" our lives. My husband and I are much better educated than they are, and continue to be in more academic careers. That is why we have little to discuss with them. That said, there is never a perfect fit. Just take it for what it is.

[Anonymous]

We struggle to make two tuitions at a private school. Yes there are families there with a lot of household help (nannies/housekeepers/chefs) and others who live in small apartments.

We are comfortable in both settings, and out kids will learn the value of hard work, and not have anything handed to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have our dd in an expensive private school in the area. We do not make as much money as "they" do, but we can afford the tuition without huge sacrifice.

That said, "they" might say that we don't fit in, but I would say that they don't "fit into" our lives. My husband and I are much better educated than they are, and continue to be in more academic careers. That is why we have little to discuss with them. That said, there is never a perfect fit. Just take it for what it is.

We are also academics and have children in an expensive private school. Our experience has been very different. I already have plenty of friends with whom I can talk about stochastic calculus -- we went the private route in part to broaden our childrens' horizons and expose them to children from high achieving families that are good at doing things we don't normally do or who have skills that we do not posses. So far it has worked. We are continually meeting other parents who have the most interesting jobs and learning new things. If it is not working for your family, you may want to consider switching schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I already have plenty of friends with whom I can talk about stochastic calculus

Too funny.

[Anonymous]

A bit off topic, but let me say that I hope I can reassure OP that not all of the independent school families that may appear to have intimidating incomes and lifestyles are handing things over to their kids.

We are in what you would probably consider a "high asset home," (at least we were, up until about a month ago!), but you'd never know it by the way my kids live. As a small example to address one of your points, I have made it very clear to both of my children that when they turn 16, they will receive a BMW.

That stands for: Bus. Metro. Walking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There has been so much hostility about the recent discussions of whether an average dc-area family will fit in at the private schools, what average is, etc. All the hostility had prompted me to add my two cents, FWIW:
1) My parents struggled financially to send me and my brothers to a fancy prep school. They made too much to qualify for financial aid, but not enough to comfortably cover the tuition. They definitely sacrificed for our educations. We got great educations, made great, lifelong friends, and went on to ivy league schools. I think they made the right choice and am still grateful. HOWEVER, I think long and hard about whether I want to do the same for my kids. It will be somewhat financially difficult (though not as hard as it was for my parents) but more importantly, I am concerned about the communities at these schools. I know firsthand that when all the kids get cars on their 16th bdays, all go on great vacations, have summers at second homes, have ski weekends, not to mention the expensive parties and clothes, it can be hard for the kids that don't. Even more importantly, kids that have EVERYTHING handed to them can often have messed up values. Of course not always, but often. Not sure I want to surround my kids with that. I want them to know people from all walks of life, to understand that things need to be earned, that hard work pays off. And YES, you teach your kids that, no matter where they go to school and no matter who they hang out with. But it is harder to teach them that when they are in a school of very wealth families -- and denying this fact is just naive and idealistic.
2) I want to know if my rather average DC-area family will fit in at these schools, and while there are many factors in that decision, where we fit in financially is one of those factors. So for all of you that think these questions are stupid or cynical, you should just move on to the next question. I see no reason why you need to berate people who are just trying to make the best decisions for their children. Yes, it is uncomfortable to talk about income and all that -- but this board is anonymous, and that is one of its benefits.

Thank you for this OP, I was wondering the same thing. From a child's point of view it must not be easy to be an "average" child and have all your friends go to the fancy vacations, outfits etc... It must do something to a young child's psyche to always feel like the "poorest" person in his social circles.
We are an average DC family, and could probably barely afford the tuition for our two kids, we make too much to qualify for aid, and after paying tuition there is no way we could pay the cars, vacation , ski week ends etc... of the other kids.

[Anonymous]

If anyone might feel bad, it's the grown ups, not the kids especially in the elementary years set. The kids don't know or care how much a ski vacation in Aspen might cost versus a one-day trip to someplace in Pennsylvania. They have no idea what the difference is between a BMW and a Honda. You do, and you pass it on to your kids or you talk about it in front of your kids. Or you don't and you just post on boards here saying how some kids might feel bad. Please, they don't. It's all about you or at least it was until you passed it on to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have our dd in an expensive private school in the area. We do not make as much money as "they" do, but we can afford the tuition without huge sacrifice.

That said, "they" might say that we don't fit in, but I would say that they don't "fit into" our lives. My husband and I are much better educated than they are, and continue to be in more academic careers. That is why we have little to discuss with them. That said, there is never a perfect fit. Just take it for what it is.

We are also academics and have children in an expensive private school. Our experience has been very different. I already have plenty of friends with whom I can talk about stochastic calculus -- we went the private route in part to broaden our childrens' horizons and expose them to children from high achieving families that are good at doing things we don't normally do or who have skills that we do not posses. So far it has worked. We are continually meeting other parents who have the most interesting jobs and learning new things. If it is not working for your family, you may want to consider switching schools.

Um, I did not say that we had trouble paying the tuition. We do however find that the families are different, so we are not interested in much socialization with them. I do not feel left out either. We are older parents now, and somehow, with age, you just walk away from situations that don't feel right. I do not look down at them, just limit conversation.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who says that kids learn the "value" of things from their parents ... certainly in the early years. I sometimes get innocent comments from our child regarding the size of our townhome or our car and I always respond in very positive ways. "I love our house, don't you?!" or "Our car gets really good gas mileage, which is good for the earth!" "A trip to Germany? Wow, that sounds fun! Our trip to camp at the beach was really fun too, wasn't it?!" It is a little naive/Pollyanna-ish to assume this will work forever, but it models a non-jealous way of viewing the world that I HOPE will at least help later on. Jealousy is a natural human emotion, but I don't want to avoid a really good educational opportunity for my child just to avoid feeling uncomfortable now and then. After all, there are some very wealthy families in the public schools around here too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A bit off topic, but let me say that I hope I can reassure OP that not all of the independent school families that may appear to have intimidating incomes and lifestyles are handing things over to their kids.

We are in what you would probably consider a "high asset home," (at least we were, up until about a month ago!), but you'd never know it by the way my kids live. As a small example to address one of your points, I have made it very clear to both of my children that when they turn 16, they will receive a BMW.

That stands for: Bus. Metro. Walking.

Love it!

[Anonymous]

I don't think socioeconomic status matters as much at some schools. The school culture plays an important role in establishing values. That said, it also varies depending on the make-up of your child's class. In my daughter's class, the class leaders come from decidedly "middle-class" (in D.C. private school terms -- i.e., incomes of approximately $100,000) families.