If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)

Jesus, OP, I was prepared to be somewhat sympathetic, but you've revealed yourself to be either utterly clueless or a true asshole. At four months out, many women find sex very painful. Can I repeat that - PAINFUL. As in rips and episiomotomies and healing of scars. Most couples I know, even the most HD, were not having any sex for the first 2 months, and then fairly limited sex until 4 or even 6 mos depending on DW's physical condition. I can't believe your response to this "reality check" is to say you'd be OK with 2 times a week. I realize you are no doubt reacting to perhaps a sexless spell before DC #2 came along, but, Jesus, listen to yourself... Seriously, you are part of the problem here.

No, he's right to be concerned. He said things weren't good before child #2. So, to blame the current dry spell on child #2 and changes to the body is ignoring past history. They've gotta start working on this stuff now. It may be that you've got the body stuff from child #2 on top of whatever else was going on for the four years prior. But, once the exhaustion and body issues dissipate as the 4 month old gets older, the old issues will still be there.

I followed the do-nothing except try to be helpful plan, and it just led to resentment. Being helpful is good. Being patient is good. But, it *has* to be coupled with a deep understanding by the LD spouse that sex is important. Sex is not a childish frivolity that can be ignored by "grown ups." (How many posts here have told OP to "grow up" or "be mature"?) Blowing off sex as unimportant is damaging to a marriage.

It doesn't have to be every day, on a schedule, or anywhere near the frequency that the HD spouse would prefer. But it has to remain a priority to the LD spouse, otherwise the marriage suffers. For example, I can't earn enough money to buy my family everything it wants. Nevertheless, providing for my family remains a priority. If we can't afford something we'd like, but my family sees that I'm busting my ass, then it's no big deal. But, if we couldn't afford something important and my family saw me laying on the couch or devoting a bunch of time to a hobby that's not at all lucrative, the resentments would build.

In my case, I patiently waited with very little sex through the pregnancy because, hey, pregnancy is different. I patiently waited as the kids were young because, hey, little kids are tough. But, when our youngest turned 7 and our sex life hadn't rebounded a light went on. First I was kind of passive-aggressive about it, probably because I was too shy about sex to talk about it to my wife. Eventually, we had a talk. It made her sad, and it made me sad to make her sad, but I think it impressed upon her that our lack of a sex life (usually about once a month, occasionally up to two months without) was really a drag on our otherwise very good marriage. She started reading books about mismatched libidos, she started showing me affection in other ways (telling me when she thinks I look good, smacking my ass playfully in the kitchen, random back scratches), and generally showed me she cared about me as something other than a wallet and child care contributor. The frequency of sex is probably only up a little, but my attitude is much improved simply because I can see that our love life is a priority to her. And, of course, my improved attitude makes her like me better and more inclined to want to have sex with me. Virtuous cycle!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sexless Wife again. The following is good advice, PP, but I'm betting OP has already done that and much more. DH used to attribute his not being in the mood to different things -- hectic at work, tired after trip, anxious about finances, pregnancy turn off, not enough sleep. It took years for me to figure out that there is no right answer. He is LD. Just as work, kids, and stress do not make us HDs want less sex, doing extra chores or making more couple time or lack of financial worry or putting on candles and sexy lingerie do not make LDs want it more.

I think many HDs become frustrated because others try to make them believe they are the cause of the problem.

+1000

My then fiance told me we'd have more frequent sex once we lived in the same house, when I complained about having sex only about once a week. I foolishly believed him. Now it's still every five or six days, for 20 minutes of missionary. I wish I had fully accepted that my husband would be like this before we married. Wish he'd had the balls to level with me that he's simply LD.

[Anonymous]

HD wife here.

4 months out from #2 we had not yet had sex at all. I don't think we had it till 6 months out. And even that was hard for me.

Fastforward 3 years - I'm totally ready for 1-2x/week and he's still stuck in 1-2x/month.

My takeaway from all of this - many of us struggle with these issues. There is no "normal." Just read the thread about how many times people think they'll have sex in 2013. It's all over the map.

OP - you need to figure out what will work for you, summon up as much patience as you can, try for honest and open (but sensitive and loving) communication with your spouse, and recognize that what's happening right now is not necessarily how it's always going to be. Sure, it might be. But it also might not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

Actually, I have. I'm the DW and have sex about as frequently as you do and wish it was FAR more. But I'm also happy that I'm having more sex than I used to because things have changed with my marriage and with my DH. The wording of the OP suggests that the LD wasn't always the case, otherwise why WOULD he have married her? Seriously. Desires change, people change, (hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate, your bodies change, your stress levels change. For example, your lack of sex over the past few years has obviously stressed you out to the point of telling a stranger on the internet to shut up. Rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What needs are you not meeting for your DW?

Well, if she would tell me, I could fix it right? The difference is I have told her many times about my desires so it's not like she doesn't know.

Have you had an affair? HD wife here, and that's been my solution. I am very, very discreet.

Well, no affair here.

I assume your affair was a physical one right?

Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)

Jesus, OP, I was prepared to be somewhat sympathetic, but you've revealed yourself to be either utterly clueless or a true asshole. At four months out, many women find sex very painful. Can I repeat that - PAINFUL. As in rips and episiomotomies and healing of scars. Most couples I know, even the most HD, were not having any sex for the first 2 months, and then fairly limited sex until 4 or even 6 mos depending on DW's physical condition. I can't believe your response to this "reality check" is to say you'd be OK with 2 times a week. I realize you are no doubt reacting to perhaps a sexless spell before DC #2 came along, but, Jesus, listen to yourself... Seriously, you are part of the problem here.

No, he's right to be concerned. He said things weren't good before child #2. So, to blame the current dry spell on child #2 and changes to the body is ignoring past history. They've gotta start working on this stuff now. It may be that you've got the body stuff from child #2 on top of whatever else was going on for the four years prior. But, once the exhaustion and body issues dissipate as the 4 month old gets older, the old issues will still be there.

I followed the do-nothing except try to be helpful plan, and it just led to resentment. Being helpful is good. Being patient is good. But, it *has* to be coupled with a deep understanding by the LD spouse that sex is important. Sex is not a childish frivolity that can be ignored by "grown ups." (How many posts here have told OP to "grow up" or "be mature"?) Blowing off sex as unimportant is damaging to a marriage.

It doesn't have to be every day, on a schedule, or anywhere near the frequency that the HD spouse would prefer. But it has to remain a priority to the LD spouse, otherwise the marriage suffers. For example, I can't earn enough money to buy my family everything it wants. Nevertheless, providing for my family remains a priority. If we can't afford something we'd like, but my family sees that I'm busting my ass, then it's no big deal. But, if we couldn't afford something important and my family saw me laying on the couch or devoting a bunch of time to a hobby that's not at all lucrative, the resentments would build.

In my case, I patiently waited with very little sex through the pregnancy because, hey, pregnancy is different. I patiently waited as the kids were young because, hey, little kids are tough. But, when our youngest turned 7 and our sex life hadn't rebounded a light went on. First I was kind of passive-aggressive about it, probably because I was too shy about sex to talk about it to my wife. Eventually, we had a talk. It made her sad, and it made me sad to make her sad, but I think it impressed upon her that our lack of a sex life (usually about once a month, occasionally up to two months without) was really a drag on our otherwise very good marriage. She started reading books about mismatched libidos, she started showing me affection in other ways (telling me when she thinks I look good, smacking my ass playfully in the kitchen, random back scratches), and generally showed me she cared about me as something other than a wallet and child care contributor. The frequency of sex is probably only up a little, but my attitude is much improved simply because I can see that our love life is a priority to her. And, of course, my improved attitude makes her like me better and more inclined to want to have sex with me. Virtuous cycle!

OP here. omg! Are you me? thank you. Really. thank you.

[Anonymous]

Come on now. I wouldn't have sex if she was in PAIN!!!! Sheesh. We've had sex twice since #2 arrived. Both times were painless!

Sorry, OP. I just don't believe this. About 90% of women I know had significant discomfort - even if not PAIN with capital letters - the first times they had sex after childbirth, and certainly if the sex is within the first 2-3 mos. (And I'm betting I've talked to about 2 dozen more ladies about this than you.) Either your DW doesn't feel like she can communicate this to you or you aren't willing to listen . "Painless"??? Whatever. You guys have serious issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Jesus Christ, can we stop with this bromide?

Why do you automatically assume he's not "pulling his weight" around the house or with the kids?

I didn't "assume." I asked. Because if she wanted sex with her husband more often and doesn't now because she has two young kids and is stressed out, that would suggest that she's got a bigger burden in that area. Resentment can certainly lower your desire for sex with your spouse. It's a common dynamic. Sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexless Wife again. The following is good advice, PP, but I'm betting OP has already done that and much more. DH used to attribute his not being in the mood to different things -- hectic at work, tired after trip, anxious about finances, pregnancy turn off, not enough sleep. It took years for me to figure out that there is no right answer. He is LD. Just as work, kids, and stress do not make us HDs want less sex, doing extra chores or making more couple time or lack of financial worry or putting on candles and sexy lingerie do not make LDs want it more.

I think many HDs become frustrated because others try to make them believe they are the cause of the problem.

+1000

My then fiance told me we'd have more frequent sex once we lived in the same house, when I complained about having sex only about once a week. I foolishly believed him. Now it's still every five or six days, for 20 minutes of missionary. I wish I had fully accepted that my husband would be like this before we married. Wish he'd had the balls to level with me that he's simply LD.

The shifting goal lines are beyond frustrating. I'd want to have more sex if [x]. "X" happens. Then it's something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

Actually, I have. I'm the DW and have sex about as frequently as you do and wish it was FAR more. But I'm also happy that I'm having more sex than I used to because things have changed with my marriage and with my DH. The wording of the OP suggests that the LD wasn't always the case, otherwise why WOULD he have married her? Seriously. Desires change, people change, (hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate, your bodies change, your stress levels change. For example, your lack of sex over the past few years has obviously stressed you out to the point of telling a stranger on the internet to shut up. Rude.

DW was LD before marriage. What I didn't realize is HOW LD she was/is. Once would think marriage would open people up. I think most people expect more sex once married rather than less sex after marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Come on now. I wouldn't have sex if she was in PAIN!!!! Sheesh. We've had sex twice since #2 arrived. Both times were painless!

Sorry, OP. I just don't believe this. About 90% of women I know had significant discomfort - even if not PAIN with capital letters - the first times they had sex after childbirth, and certainly if the sex is within the first 2-3 mos. (And I'm betting I've talked to about 2 dozen more ladies about this than you.) Either your DW doesn't feel like she can communicate this to you or you aren't willing to listen . "Painless"??? Whatever. You guys have serious issues.

OK, you point may be valid IF you are my DW. Are you DW?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Jesus Christ, can we stop with this bromide?

Why do you automatically assume he's not "pulling his weight" around the house or with the kids?

I didn't "assume." I asked. Because if she wanted sex with her husband more often and doesn't now because she has two young kids and is stressed out, that would suggest that she's got a bigger burden in that area. Resentment can certainly lower your desire for sex with your spouse. It's a common dynamic. Sadly.

Op here. I pull as much weight as I can. I'm not lying on the couch watching the game while she's washing bottles with the infant tied to her back and our 4yo clinging to her leg. DW hardly initiated sex even before #1 arrived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

Actually, I have. I'm the DW and have sex about as frequently as you do and wish it was FAR more. But I'm also happy that I'm having more sex than I used to because things have changed with my marriage and with my DH. The wording of the OP suggests that the LD wasn't always the case, otherwise why WOULD he have married her? Seriously. Desires change, people change, (hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate, your bodies change, your stress levels change. For example, your lack of sex over the past few years has obviously stressed you out to the point of telling a stranger on the internet to shut up. Rude.

Sorry, PP. You are right to chide me for my lack of civility. I admire your strength in handling sexual frustration. I have been dealing with these issues for nearly a decade and don't have the positive outlook you do. Bravo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

Actually, I have. I'm the DW and have sex about as frequently as you do and wish it was FAR more. But I'm also happy that I'm having more sex than I used to because things have changed with my marriage and with my DH. The wording of the OP suggests that the LD wasn't always the case, otherwise why WOULD he have married her? Seriously. Desires change, people change, (hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate, your bodies change, your stress levels change. For example, your lack of sex over the past few years has obviously stressed you out to the point of telling a stranger on the internet to shut up. Rude.

DW was LD before marriage. What I didn't realize is HOW LD she was/is. Once would think marriage would open people up. I think most people expect more sex once married rather than less sex after marriage.

No, I think most people don't expect that. Hence the constant jokes/story lines on tv about sex essentially stopping once you get married. Art reflecting life and whatnot. But we're all probably guilty of hoping our significant other will change for the better once we get married and not being able to just accept that the person you dated = the person you'll be married to. People don't change. But open communication and maybe some counselling can help change both your attitudes for the better, which can help a lot.

[Anonymous]

Part of the problem can be the initial attraction from the newness of the relationship. That can mask one or both spouse's baseline appetite for sex. If it is wearing off about the same time as the couple gets married or has a kid, that can be a recipe for disaster.