Reply to If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote][quote][quote]Anonymous wrote:
OP here. We have a 4yo and a [b]4 mo[/b]. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months. [/quote]OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.[/quote]
Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)[/quote]

Jesus, OP, I was prepared to be somewhat sympathetic, but you've revealed yourself to be either utterly clueless or a true asshole.  At four months out, many women find sex very painful.  Can I repeat that - PAINFUL.  As in rips and episiomotomies and healing of scars.  Most couples I know, even the most HD, were not having any sex for the first 2 months, and then fairly limited sex until 4 or even 6 mos depending on DW's physical condition.  I can't believe your response to this "reality check" is to say you'd be OK with 2 times a week.  I realize you are no doubt reacting to perhaps a sexless spell before DC #2 came along, but, Jesus, listen to yourself...  Seriously, you are part of the problem here.[/quote]

No, he's right to be concerned. He said things weren't good before child #2. So, to blame the current dry spell on child #2 and changes to the body is ignoring past history. They've gotta start working on this stuff now. It may be that you've got the body stuff from child #2 on top of whatever else was going on for the four years prior. But, once the exhaustion and body issues dissipate as the 4 month old gets older, the old issues will still be there.

I followed the do-nothing except try to be helpful plan, and it just led to resentment. Being helpful is good. Being patient is good. But, it *has* to be coupled with a deep understanding by the LD spouse that sex is important. Sex is not a childish frivolity that can be ignored by "grown ups." (How many posts here have told OP to "grow up" or "be mature"?) Blowing off sex as unimportant is damaging to a marriage.

It doesn't have to be every day, on a schedule, or anywhere near the frequency that the HD spouse would prefer. But it has to remain a priority to the LD spouse, otherwise the marriage suffers.  For example, I can't earn enough money to buy my family everything it wants. Nevertheless, providing for my family remains a priority. If we can't afford something we'd like, but my family sees that I'm busting my ass, then it's no big deal. But, if we couldn't afford something important and my family saw me laying on the couch or devoting a bunch of time to a hobby that's not at all lucrative, the resentments would build.

In my case, I patiently waited with very little sex through the pregnancy because, hey, pregnancy is different. I patiently waited as the kids were young because, hey, little kids are tough. But, when our youngest turned 7 and our sex life hadn't rebounded a light went on. First I was kind of passive-aggressive about it, probably because I was too shy about sex to talk about it to my wife. Eventually, we had a talk. It made her sad, and it made me sad to make her sad, but I think it impressed upon her that our lack of a sex life (usually about once a month, occasionally up to two months without) was really a drag on our otherwise very good marriage. She started reading books about mismatched libidos, she started showing me affection in other ways (telling me when she thinks I look good, smacking my ass playfully in the kitchen, random back scratches), and generally showed me she cared about me as something other than a wallet and child care contributor. The frequency of sex is probably only up a little, but my attitude is much improved simply because I can see that our love life is a priority to her. And, of course, my improved attitude makes her like me better and more inclined to want to have sex with me. Virtuous cycle! [/quote]

OP here.  omg!  Are you me?  thank you. Really. thank you.[/quote]

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