I just physically abused my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't consider what her husband said emotional abuse. There are times when Mommy does not want to be with her kid. That used to be normal, accepted, and okay to admit. She went off the rails because he made her feel guilty.

If I hit my husband -- absent extreme stress like revelation of affair, bankruptcy, illness of child -- then I would know that I hated him. Therapy and temporary separation would be the minimum.

But if I were OP I would ask DH what he wants to do. He is the victim and his thoughts about what is best for their family should be respected. I would also tell my DD that what I did was wrong and that it would never happen again.

No wonder there are so many divorces. A partner hits the other partner one time in a stressful situation and you call for a separation? Most marriages are a lot stronger than that. I threw something at my H under extreme fatigue and stress. We didn't separate. It was a one time thing.

Yes, we all hate for our spouses at times. But hitting him, for me, would signal a different level of hatred. If it's at the point where I can allow myself to hit him or he can allow himself to hit me we definitely need to spend some time apart -- maybe only a few days or weeks but, as a family, it is important to send the message to each other that business as usual cannot continue after that happens. It is time for deep thinking and soul-searching. The victim should also get a period of safety during this obviously turbulent time. If she is not there she can't lose her temper and hit him again or worse, hit their daughter. I have never hit my husband or kids but I know, that in certain moments of grief and despair, I (or rather, the demon that lives within me) could hurt them very badly. Do I walk out of the house at these times? Yes. But the rage is there all the same. Most people are capable of atrocities, as the high number of child molesters proves, but control those impulses. The bad guy is not the stranger in the store or the itinerant worker. He is me and you and everyone.

Think of it this way. If your uncle came over for a visit, lost his temper because you teased him about collecting disability, and slapped your face in front of your kid would you allow him to come visit you the next day? Of course not. You might accept his apology in time but there is no way you would let him set foot in your house that soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you're out of touch with reality and have spent too much time in non-clinical work (research?) and need to get out and see people again. The police disagree with you. I think you are confusing domestic violence, which can be a one-time event, with domestic abuse which is usually a pattern of emotional or physical abuse.

Call it what you will, the distinction is there. Abuse, violence, whatever you want to call it, there's a difference. And the same distinction and pointing out the differences that you just made is what I made. Not all violence is the same. You said it, I said it.

Yes, but in this case, the words are important. Domestic violence is a term that is defined legally and for law enforcement purposes. If you're going to be giving this type of advice, you can't just randomly choose words. Some have more legal consequences than others.

Look, I work in the field and work directly with judges, advocates, social workers, government workers, law enforcement, etc. I'm talking about nationally, Office on Violence Against Women, definition of domestic violence. So call it what YOU will, but I'm using the definition as defined by the Department of Justice. I'm sorry you disagree, and are using state-based legal definitions. I'm using the national definition as agreed upon by an awful lot of experts. So I'm not randomly choosing words. I was very deliberate.

[Anonymous]

Think of it this way. If your uncle came over for a visit, lost his temper because you teased him about collecting disability, and slapped your face in front of your kid would you allow him to come visit you the next day? Of course not. You might accept his apology in time but there is no way you would let him set foot in your house that soon.

Yes, one reasonable response could be to take a break from each other, but another reasonable response could be to get counseling and work on the relationship while not taking a break from each other.
When I was 8 months pregnant, my husband, who is otherwise a wonderful guy, teased me about my eating habits. I was tired, cranky, not feeling well, and fed up, so I wound up throwing my bowel of cereal at him (and hitting him with it). To this day, I can't explain why I did it, it was so completely out of character for me, and I know it was totally wrong. But I apologized, and helped clean everything up, and we didn't separate or take a break at all. We've been married for five years since then, have a great kid, and nothing even remotely like that has every happened again, and I feel sure it never will happen again.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I don't want to judge, but if you want to save your marriage you need to jointly commit to counseling right away and probably spend some time apart (not necessarily a formal separation) just to get your heads together and figure out how you want to proceed. Good luck and God bless - I can't even imagine how much hurt must be going on in your house right now. I know couples who've been through this and come out stronger, so it can be done if you both want it.

[Anonymous]

OP hasn't been back. I wonder if she's in jail.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm...I could totally see myself doing this to my DH. Maybe its the Latin blood in me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Think of it this way. If your uncle came over for a visit, lost his temper because you teased him about collecting disability, and slapped your face in front of your kid would you allow him to come visit you the next day? Of course not. You might accept his apology in time but there is no way you would let him set foot in your house that soon.

Yes, one reasonable response could be to take a break from each other, but another reasonable response could be to get counseling and work on the relationship while not taking a break from each other.
When I was 8 months pregnant, my husband, who is otherwise a wonderful guy, teased me about my eating habits. I was tired, cranky, not feeling well, and fed up, so I wound up throwing my bowel of cereal at him (and hitting him with it). To this day, I can't explain why I did it, it was so completely out of character for me, and I know it was totally wrong. But I apologized, and helped clean everything up, and we didn't separate or take a break at all. We've been married for five years since then, have a great kid, and nothing even remotely like that has every happened again, and I feel sure it never will happen again.

No offense, but that is QUITE different than the OP's situation. You were pregnant and I am sure hormones had you going anywhere and everywhere. In this case, there is a simmering resentment between two spouses where he is verbally disrespectful and her response is to hit him in the head REPEATEDLY! And while you apologized and were remorseful, the OP admitted that she is not feeling guilty or remorseful. I am not a proponent of separation and divorce willy nilly, but these two need time apart to decide whether they will work it out. Honestly, if my DH hit me in the head repeatedly, I am not sure I would feel safe with him in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

Isn't it Assault and Battery? I thought Battery was having the intent to assault but that assault was the actual physical act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

Isn't it Assault and Battery? I thought Battery was having the intent to assault but that assault was the actual physical act.

The definition varies from state to state. Some states don't even have aggravated battery; it's just called attempted murder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

Isn't it Assault and Battery? I thought Battery was having the intent to assault but that assault was the actual physical act.

It is actually the reverse. Assault is the threat/intent and battery is the act.

[Anonymous]

Was OPs hand opened or closed? If opened, and she bitch-slapped him a couple of times, do you really think he's gonna call the cops on her? Men, would you call on your DW for something like this?

[Anonymous]

I know you don't feel guilty emotionally but cognitively you know what you did was wrong. People don't use words like "batter" and abused" without knowing what they did was wrong. Being a mother can be incredibly stressful especially if you are not getting enough sleep. It can make you temporarily insane. I am so sorry that you are so angry. If you have never hit someone before, one of the things I'd want to think about is why you never dealt with this before? Why did it come to this? We all get angry but you deal with it before it builds to that level. Counseling sounds like a good idea. I don't agree that you are the monster people are acting like you are, you seem shocked at your own action, people shouldn't be dismissed as villains because they freak out once. I think we all have our "monsters" inside. Hopefully you can work through your anger and he can work through his issues too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

I work in "in the field" and you are wrong. I'm so frightened that you may be a group that I fund....you are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

I'm the PP and I agree. I was saying there's a distinction between what you describe and what people are referring to as domestic violence. And I also said it wasn't acceptable and yeah, she could be prosecuted.

Domestic violence - in almost all instances is a misdemeanor the first time. And, you obviously know NOTHING about domestic violence if you are not calling this domestic violence. Anytime one spouse, partner, or household family member strikes another - it is considered by law enforcement to be domestic violence.


The first offense of assault and battery against a household member is a Class 1 misdemeanor. The offender will likely receive probation as a sentence, according to the Virginia office of the attorney general. In addition to probation, the person will have to pay fines and attend community and education treatment programs. However, if the person has two previous convictions, his third conviction of assault and battery of a family member is a Class 6 felony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was OPs hand opened or closed? If opened, and she bitch-slapped him a couple of times, do you really think he's gonna call the cops on her? Men, would you call on your DW for something like this?

Depends on how much a man hates his wife.