I just physically abused my husband

[Anonymous]

BTDT. A third party counsellor or other person who has couples training would be most helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't consider what her husband said emotional abuse. There are times when Mommy does not want to be with her kid. That used to be normal, accepted, and okay to admit. She went off the rails because he made her feel guilty.

If I hit my husband -- absent extreme stress like revelation of affair, bankruptcy, illness of child -- then I would know that I hated him. Therapy and temporary separation would be the minimum.

But if I were OP I would ask DH what he wants to do. He is the victim and his thoughts about what is best for their family should be respected. I would also tell my DD that what I did was wrong and that it would never happen again.

No wonder there are so many divorces. A partner hits the other partner one time in a stressful situation and you call for a separation? Most marriages are a lot stronger than that. I threw something at my H under extreme fatigue and stress. We didn't separate. It was a one time thing.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry but you need to find FT childcare for your child and stop acting like your DH is the one who did something wrong with that comment. He can say whatever he wants; your reaction crossed the line.

Amber, teen mom - get it? You could and should be arrested for this crap. If she gets heat for smacking her boyfriend (and dear god she is only a teenager! you are an adult), then you should be subject to the same scrutiny and punishment with regards to your assault and your parental fitness.

I have as big a temper as you can get but I would NEVER do that to my husband, even though he is twice my size. EVER. You broke trust and you need to start realizing that this is very well the beginning of the rest of your life as a PT single parent...and if you're lucky enough to remain with DH and your DD, you best keep yourself in check and take your meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why were you sitting out in the car shaking after repeatedly smacking your husband in the head? Did he threaten to press charges against you?

Was this the first time? So the anger and frustration against his behavior has been building up for roughly a year? What was he doing while you were smacking him, trying to hold you off and/or yelling and calling you filthy names? Has DH ever hit you?

Once things become this nasty in a relationship it's incredibly difficult to recover the intimacy. Then again, it really doesn't sound like intimacy exists in your relationship.

To be honest, you view him as merely the main breadwinner in your family, you hate his guts, and you feel stuck, right?

Doesn't every long married person have flashes in time where they absolutely hate their spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sitting in the car after I smacked my husband over the head repeatedly with my hands. I'm currently shaking and I'm pretty sure my hands/fingers are bruised. Let me explain: it's been building for months. We are about to make a huge move with our toddler and he's arguably been handling all the logistics plus working a FT job. I work PT and take care of our child all other times. He literally resents doing ANYTHING for her (thinks it's my job). It's been this way since she was born but it's way worse now. I had to talk him into giving her a bath tonight while i got a load of laundry started. once she was in and he sat down to wash her hair, I was walking out and he said to her "mommy is sick of being with you so I'm doing this". Before I knew what I was doing I was battering him- I don't even know what happened.
My fear is that this is something you can't recover from. And I'm scared because I don't feel guilty in the slightest.
Am I horrible?[/quote]

Yes you are. How would you feel if he began hitting you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not excusing your behavior but I can understand. I would take a few deep breaths and go back in and talk with him about what happened and what got you to that point...including his attitude toward your childs care and his comment which sent you over the edge.

If this was the husband hitting the wife you would say something totally different. At this point you would be encouraging OP to call the cops, find a safe haven for herself and her daughter, and/or ask the husband to leave the house. Domestic violence usually escalates if not checked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

I'm the PP and I agree. I was saying there's a distinction between what you describe and what people are referring to as domestic violence. And I also said it wasn't acceptable and yeah, she could be prosecuted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Yeah, this is pretty much crap. Domestic violence is the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another. OP is a criminal.

No, it's not. What you just said is laughably narrow and even most law enforcement officers would agree it's more than what you just said. And it matters to me not one bit what the gender roles are. I have worked women in this area, and I have worked with men in this area. He's no victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

I think you're out of touch with reality and have spent too much time in non-clinical work (research?) and need to get out and see people again. The police disagree with you. I think you are confusing domestic violence, which can be a one-time event, with domestic abuse which is usually a pattern of emotional or physical abuse.

As for OP, it seems as if both of you are feeling the stress of having a child. Believe me, I understand. We have twins under 1 year old and this last year has been the hardest ever on our marriage, but I think we're the stronger because it. However, you are feeling stressed and not reacting well. Your husband is feeling stressed and venting with words. You felt the stress and in addition to completely discounting the values he adds to your family, except as a source of money, you devalue what he does, treat him poorly and then physical assault him. You really need to make some sort of change because you have gone over the edge. I would recommend that you start with anger management classes because your anger and assault are overboard. You're not horrible, but you are heading that way. Right now, you can claim stress. However, if you don't address your poor anger management skills, after this warning, then you are horrible. After anger management, I would recommend marriage counseling. Since you feel no remorse for what you've done, you are on the slippery slope to becoming a spousal abuser. You definitely need at least individual sessions, but followup joint couples counseling would also be recommended. If you have the same person do this, then they can tie in progress that you make in the individual sessions into the joint sessions. Please find some sort of professional help today. You need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why were you sitting out in the car shaking after repeatedly smacking your husband in the head? Did he threaten to press charges against you?

Was this the first time? So the anger and frustration against his behavior has been building up for roughly a year? What was he doing while you were smacking him, trying to hold you off and/or yelling and calling you filthy names? Has DH ever hit you?

Once things become this nasty in a relationship it's incredibly difficult to recover the intimacy. Then again, it really doesn't sound like intimacy exists in your relationship.

To be honest, you view him as merely the main breadwinner in your family, you hate his guts, and you feel stuck, right?

Doesn't every long married person have flashes in time where they absolutely hate their spouse?

OP, how long have you been married three years or less?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

I think you're out of touch with reality and have spent too much time in non-clinical work (research?) and need to get out and see people again. The police disagree with you. I think you are confusing domestic violence, which can be a one-time event, with domestic abuse which is usually a pattern of emotional or physical abuse.

As for OP, it seems as if both of you are feeling the stress of having a child. Believe me, I understand. We have twins under 1 year old and this last year has been the hardest ever on our marriage, but I think we're the stronger because it. However, you are feeling stressed and not reacting well. Your husband is feeling stressed and venting with words. You felt the stress and in addition to completely discounting the values he adds to your family, except as a source of money, you devalue what he does, treat him poorly and then physical assault him. You really need to make some sort of change because you have gone over the edge. I would recommend that you start with anger management classes because your anger and assault are overboard. You're not horrible, but you are heading that way. Right now, you can claim stress. However, if you don't address your poor anger management skills, after this warning, then you are horrible. After anger management, I would recommend marriage counseling. Since you feel no remorse for what you've done, you are on the slippery slope to becoming a spousal abuser. You definitely need at least individual sessions, but followup joint couples counseling would also be recommended. If you have the same person do this, then they can tie in progress that you make in the individual sessions into the joint sessions. Please find some sort of professional help today. You need it.

Call it what you will, the distinction is there. Abuse, violence, whatever you want to call it, there's a difference. And the same distinction and pointing out the differences that you just made is what I made. Not all violence is the same. You said it, I said it.

[Anonymous]

My fear is that this is something you can't recover from

It was wrong, but you can probably recover from it. What you may not be able to recover from is the fact that, from your description, you and your husband seem to have a history of not getting along and resenting each other.

[Anonymous]

Dude, I am the only one worried about the little girl in the bathtub during all this? That poor child could slip or drown while her parents are fighting or the supposedly disinterested father could forget about her in there. And if he isn't the one usually taking care of her, OP left him with her to explain what happened or take out his frustration with his wife's behavior on the girl?

Lady, pull it together. There's a time and place for arguments, and it's not when your kid is in the bathtub or near a busy street or pool or somewhere you need to be watching her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you're out of touch with reality and have spent too much time in non-clinical work (research?) and need to get out and see people again. The police disagree with you. I think you are confusing domestic violence, which can be a one-time event, with domestic abuse which is usually a pattern of emotional or physical abuse.

Call it what you will, the distinction is there. Abuse, violence, whatever you want to call it, there's a difference. And the same distinction and pointing out the differences that you just made is what I made. Not all violence is the same. You said it, I said it.

Yes, but in this case, the words are important. Domestic violence is a term that is defined legally and for law enforcement purposes. If you're going to be giving this type of advice, you can't just randomly choose words. Some have more legal consequences than others.