How to tell if DH is closet gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm in the same boat only have no doubts about my husband's sexuality (absolutely know he is not gay).

Read the Sex Starved Wife. Helpful and informative and you are not alone.

Sex is often very prevalent in the beginning of a relationship because infatuation makes even low-desire people ready for sex. Hormones and chemicals take over and raise libido...you want to do everything you can to please and connect with your new partner. This usually lasts around 2 years. For us, we had sex every night and morning we were together those first two years. Then the next two years, at least 2x a week (we weren't living together and sometimes didn't see each other that much during the week due to week schedules, but would have sex every weekend). Starting after year 4 is when problems took over...started having sex less and less.

It's mostly lust at the beginning. Our frequency started going down when we were busy at work, trying to have a baby, buy a house, the usual. What worked for us is that we both have a very vivid fantasy life. We started getting toys, showering together, different rooms, positions, etc. into our lives and the sex took off again. I even tried leaving dirty messages on the phone so that when DH gets home and the kids are gone, it is our time to go crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your friends usually know, but wont tell you. best friend married a guy that set off all of our circles' gaydar alert. but none of us ever said anything because she seemed so happy and said they had great sex. fast forward a few years and she found out he was hooking up with guys on the side. needless to say, they divorced and she is happily remarried now. she says she just ignored the signs because she didnt want to see them, she truly was nuts about him.

I lost some friends because they didn't believe me--plus mutual male friends implored me to not tell people . BF who asked me to marry him had affair[s] with men. I came into a room and he was hugging a guy on a couch. He wrote me about meeting a new good friend . Was olde3r than me and moved for job after college. Now is married with kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here again - it's truly insane, but now marks the over one year anniversary since DH has last asked for sex.... he seems to have no sexual interest in me at all..... again this is just odd......his testosterone levels check out, hormones are okay, there is no affair (i'm pretty sure)......how on earth can someone go from normal sex drive in dating/first year of marriage to THIS?

[Anonymous]

You just know. I can't explain it but you just do.

[Anonymous]

Have you taken any action since this thread started? He still refuses to explain?

[Anonymous]

I am divorced and gay. The ex and I always had a good sex life but as time went on, I was fantasizing about men when I was with her. Finally the urges were getting to be too much and we ended the marriage. Originally I thought I was bi but my orientation was something that could not be denied any longer.

We have told nobody the reason for the divorce and to some degree still love ech other. And I am the guy that nobody would ever guess is gay so there goes any theory on gaydar.

OP, the lack of sex could be from anger, performance anxiety, or being asexual vs. gay. Obviously your marriage has major issues but assuming he is gay may not be a valid belief.

[Anonymous]

I still think my ex husband may be gay.
He's great to me so that's all that matters now. I do feel sad that he hides himself. But it's not my business.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I have taken action - tried counseling, treatment for him of his depression, talking it out, but kinda status quo at this point..... I just really think he is hiding himself....

[Anonymous]

Are you going to get a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Also consider the possibility that a husband may not be gay, just tremendously conflicted over his sexuality. It is one thing for him to be on the down low and another where he is questioning his orientation and in the confusion of trying to fullfill the role of a husband and father is totally lost.

[Anonymous]

Homosexuality is so stigmatized that a gay person may never admit to being gay and may never even engage in gay sex, but he'll never have the same drives that a straight man has.

OP, if your husband is a repressed homosexual, and you divorce him, he may begin a new life that is openly gay, or he may just become more deeply asexual. You could be freeing him to find his romantic passion, or you could be casting him out to a solitary life of self-imposed loneliness.

I think you have to make this decision on your own. How high a price are you willing to pay to accommodate your husband's sexual disengagement? He's evidently content with the status quo, so the ball is in your court.

[Anonymous]

I wonder about my husband being gay. We have sex at least once a week but a few things make me think about this. First, he has always been into working out and looking at himself in the mirror, which may indicate being vain only. But he also comments on the builds of men in sports and in movies - he will ask me if I like another man's build or if I think the other man is attractive. And when our children once in a while make fun of a stereotypical gay person, he is very quick to defend gay people and say they have a right to live the way they want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about my husband being gay. We have sex at least once a week but a few things make me think about this. First, he has always been into working out and looking at himself in the mirror, which may indicate being vain only. But he also comments on the builds of men in sports and in movies - he will ask me if I like another man's build or if I think the other man is attractive. And when our children once in a while make fun of a stereotypical gay person, he is very quick to defend gay people and say they have a right to live the way they want

Are you for real? Then every decent human being must be gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:he is very quick to defend gay people and say they have a right to live the way they want

That actually makes him less likely to be gay. Closeted or in-denial homosexuals are more likely than the average man to be homophobic.

[Anonymous]

I am 11:27. Let me elaborate. He is much quicker to defend a gay person than any other group with a grievance and will tell the kids that being gay is not a choice. It just seems that DH goes out of his way to defend their lives, yet he has no gay friends or relatives that I know of.