How to tell if DH is closet gay?

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with censorship necessarily although of course Jeff is free to do what he wishes with his forum. But I do think the jokes are very offensive and inappropriate.

Just for the record, the removal of "offensive and inappropriate" material is the job of a "moderator". Please review the difference between moderation and censorship. If posters feel that their free speech is impeded by their posts being removed from this thread, they are free to start a thread dedicated to lame anti-gay jokes based on out-dated stereotypes. If someone tries to posts a serious response in that thread, I will remove it.

Hah! I dare someone to start such a thread and somebody else to post something serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here: if you really want to know something, the best thing to do is ask him directly. I am not sure why more people don't do this. It is much easier to conceal something by evasion than to lie to someone's face, and many who would do the former would not do the latter. Two points: 1. Are you sure you want to know? 2. If he isn't, he is likely to be offended, so you should be prepared to make it up to him and be able to explain why you were worried.

If a guy lives his life as a lie, what makes you think he will answer that question honestly?

[Anonymous]

OP, I had this problem with my ex husband. He was very virile, we had sex daily at first. He often performed cunnilingus on me. My clues were:
- over 5 years of marriage, sex dwindled to every 2-3 weeks. he seemed very detached during sex
- he was abusing drugs and alcohol, and it felt to me that he couldn't bear to live with himself sober
- he was often on the phone and hung up when I'd enter the room.

Eventually I caught him on the phone with a local gay dateline. He claimed he had misdialed, but I checked his phone records, and he was a regular.

To the clueless ones out there who think you should just ask, you may never know. My ex never admitted to being gay or bi. I asked him about his social orientation before we got married -my only clue at the time was junk mail he'd received from the university's LGBT association. He explained that away saying he donated blood through their drive and that's how he ended up on their list.

A good friend's husband was so conflicted, he claimed the thought of having sex with a man made him sick. It took him 10 years to admit that we was gay.

My advice: read the Other Side of the Closet, and contact SSN - the Straight Spouse Network http://www.straightspouse.org. I don't know how I could have gone through that dark time in my life without them. They have local support groups.

Also, I moved on, and built a new life with a wonderful, straight man, who loves me. Onward and upward. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a friend whose husband is probably closeted gay, or at least she is pretty sure and is trying to figure out wht to do. In his case, I think he really loves her and wanted the white picket fence--kids, house, traditional life. The outward signs were that he fit into a lot of steroetypes that on their own dont' add up to "gay" (metrosexual, into fashion, design, hangs out with gay friends a lot without her--these describe a lot of straight guys too) but its been the sense she has of a kind of remoteness in him, a sort of inner privacy/space which she senses is a big inner conflict about that makes her wonder. They have a sexual life, but not a very passionate one....anyway, she is in therapy right now exploring it and has not (yet) approached her husband about it since she needs adjust to the idea as well first and she's not sure what he'll say (he is likely in denial and having relations with men, but she's not sure). Anyway, i don't think there is one way to know for sure, but listen to your gut, maybe explore in therapy and hopefully you'll come to a sense of if/when/how to approach him about it....Of ocurse, if you suspect he is on the down low and having extra-marital relations, then I would tkae another more aggressive approach (but would advise proof first).

[Anonymous]

1249 what year was this 1989? Who still calls gay datelines?

Glad you moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: if you really want to know something, the best thing to do is ask him directly. I am not sure why more people don't do this. It is much easier to conceal something by evasion than to lie to someone's face, and many who would do the former would not do the latter. Two points: 1. Are you sure you want to know? 2. If he isn't, he is likely to be offended, so you should be prepared to make it up to him and be able to explain why you were worried.

If a guy lives his life as a lie, what makes you think he will answer that question honestly?

Because some, I think many, are able to execute a cover up, but can't look someone in the eye and credibly lie to them.

[Anonymous]

1300 do you think this husband is gay? it goes back to an earlier post i made about the fact that if the OP suspects something, friends co-workers, etc have to see the same thing too.

not sure how you ask a friend "do you think my dh is gay" but you probably want to get an idea if other people share your concern before approaching your husband

[Anonymous]

Sorry Jeff. I am pretty ashamed of not reading the whole post and being more sensitive to the full nature of OP's query. It is a topic that obviously hit a nerve with me and my responses were idiotic. Again. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1249 what year was this 1989? Who still calls gay datelines?

Glad you moved on.

No, it was in mid 2000s. It was a safe way for DC closeted gays to hook up, without being tracked (membership payed via Western Union Money Transfer)

FWIW, none of my friends would have guessed he was gay - he was Republican, politically connected, very conservatively dressed, no gay friends in the open, nothing artsy about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1249 what year was this 1989? Who still calls gay datelines?

Glad you moved on.

No, it was in mid 2000s. It was a safe way for DC closeted gays to hook up, without being tracked (membership payed via Western Union Money Transfer)

FWIW, none of my friends would have guessed he was gay - he was Republican, politically connected, very conservatively dressed, no gay friends in the open, nothing artsy about him.

oh wow ok then.

as for your last part, that kills my theory about whether other people noticed but i still think its a good first step.

id probably broach the subject with a friend in asking if they think said DH acts strange and damn near cut to the chase if they start suggesting "gay tendencies"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry Jeff. I am pretty ashamed of not reading the whole post and being more sensitive to the full nature of OP's query. It is a topic that obviously hit a nerve with me and my responses were idiotic. Again. Sorry.

Your apology would be better aimed at OP, don't you think?

[Anonymous]

We divorced. 10 years together. Sex maybe 50 times.

[Anonymous]

I was at a bar in U-street and there was a group of very well dressed men. It became clear quickly that they were gay and hitting on each other (hugging, touching, kissing). I overheard one of the guys talking to a girl in the bar about how he has an Asian wife, etc, etc. Then became clear to all of us that these men were a group of closeted gays. I really didn't think that it was possible in 2011 that someone would be that deceitful.

Does your husband have close male friends that all dress well? Do they discuss things straight men don't (style, clothes, furniture, etc)? Do you sometimes think your husband slips into a different personality around his friends?

I personally don't know how I would handle the situation. But, if you think this, true or not - you should be going to marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

I am divorcing a sex addict. OP, if you feel that something is wrong, you are probably right.

SurvivingInfidelity has a thread on this topic. I know that someone will write back and help you figure this out if you post there. It's anonymous, just like DCUM.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=185096

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. It is really hard. I asked -- impulsively - a few years ago - if he was - because he hadn't initiated sex years. He was offended. But in hindsight, he didn't deny it. Just said he felt "no emotional connection to me." Since then, sex life (or lack) is status quo - nonexistant. Blood tests normal. DH has many close male friends who aren't openly gay, but who I've never seen with a girlfriend. He is into clothing, fashion, home decor, floral arranging, but is not "flaming". Yes he has had depression and addiction issues. I wish I could ask and the answer, but I think he may not even be openly aware of his own repressed desires? THanks for the recommendations on resources. I don't know how to read this situation. Therapist said he might be asexual. I just don't buy that though....